Stuff that pops into my mind and keeps me from falling asleep…
A couple years ago I got pulled over by the po po. Dude comes up to my window and asks, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I responded with, “Because I thought it was yellow and you thought it was red?” He considered that for a moment and said, “yeah.” I asked if he was still going to give me a ticket and he responded, “Oh yeah”. Dick.
Last night I was on Twitter and was having a 140 character conversation about the Cubs with @whyisdaddycryin and he said, “I’d love to have a 3-way while hot dog & beer-guy vendors walk around us screaming “hot dogs…Old Style“. True that my friend, true that. We need to party the next time I’m in Chi town!
The Black Eyed Peas have it right. Tonight is gonna be a good night.
Partying with Beth The Bedhead Blonde (@bedheadblonde) would be one of the raddest things in the world. She and I would totally get locked up by the fuzz! She says what she wants and has a kickin bod. How can you go wrong with classic Tweets like this: Can someone repost Kanye’s tweets- in English, please? I don’t speak pompous, delusional loser. Or this nice one: Dear Lady Who Chose the Bottom of a Very Crowded Airport Escalator to Rummage Through Your Purse: Sorry I yelled “GO BITCH!” in your ear.
I am a loyal member of the Raider Nation but I truly believe that Al Davis is way past his expiration date. I hate to say it, but the Nation will never be great until The Godfather takes the dirt nap. The dude used to be a great owner. Emphasis on the “used to be”. Please go away Al. Sooner rather than later, please.
JaMarcus Russell (A.K.A. the Codeine King) should be in the Guiness Book of World Records for both the longest and most expensive oral in history. Dude sucked for three straight seasons and got paid $36 million for it. Burn in hell asswipe. You will always be a douche.
P.S. having cups full of codeine syrup and Sprite (commonly called “sizzurp”) on the table when the police arrived makes perfect sense to me. Now I know why you played like shit those three seasons. You were probably wasted every Sunday.
P.S.S. I didn’t have previous knowledge of the word “sizzurp” before JaMarcus got arrested. I simply Google’d “JaMarcus douchebag codeine” and it popped up in a story.
Remember back in the 90’s when Damon Stoudamire played for the Jail Blazers? The police responded to a burglar alarm at his house while the team was on a road trip. They noticed the smell of cannibas and found a pound of chronic sitting on the coffee table. If someone has a pound of the good stuff sitting on the table, how much do you think dude had packed away? A pound of weed on the coffee table? Seriously?
The greatest opening sentence in a book has to be from Mindgames by Roland Lazenby. The book chronicles the life of Lakers coach Phil Jackson. The opening line? “He ate LSD for breakfast.” Nice going Zen Master. Very fung shui of you.
I’m not afraid to say that I have a total man crush on Anthony Bourdain. The dude is a straight up stud and I would party with him anytime! Maybe “man crush” is a bit strong. I wouldn’t sleep with him. Nor would I give him oral. I wouldn’t even let him blow me. It’s just not how I roll.
More Tweeting with @bedheadblonde
Her: I just saw an Ed Hardy diaper bag. For those of you who want to raise little douche baguettes.
Me: you are so damn sweet! I’m glad we have the same taste in assholes
Her: I can’t even narrow down all the reasons I adore you JR. =)
Me: P.S. Don’t narrow that list down, but please feel free to share it!!!!
Her: I wrote it on the bathroom wall at Olive Garden. ‘Cause I know you keeps it klassy!
My J-Lo shoutout: Anyone who follows her name with the phrase “From the block” is a whore. Period.
Arrested Development went off the air way too soon. I have all three seasons on DVD and I regularly watch them. That was some funny shit!
Zack and Cody are a couple of assclowns. Hannah Montana is an annoying bitch and the Wizards can stay on Waverly Place for all I care. I would, however, party with iCarly and her pal Sam. Those two chicks have some rad attitude.
My favorite nursery rhyme has to be the Andrew Dice Clay classic—Jack and Jill went up the hill, each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with $2.50.
The world needs more writers like Dick Booster.
And my final random thought? I totally need to get back on the radio!!! Anyone know a station looking for a slightly witty dude who can toss around innuendo like a mo fo? If so, let me know!!!! I think people need three hours of this shit every Mon-Fri.