If they can somehow find a way to get to 23, they could have their own NHL team.
DATELINE: WEDNESDAY 3:12 P.M.
I left the house to pick up Drama Queen from school and take her to tae kwon do at 4 P.M. I turned the radio on in my car and tuned into Shredd and Ragan to hear what they had to say. These guys are generally funny as hell and I’m often informed and entertained. Today was no exception.
Apparently the train wreck that is the Duggar family rolled into Niagara Falls last Friday and it caused quite a stir. If you don’t know who these people are, they’re the sex addicts who have 19 kids and a TV show on TLC. Yeah. You read that right. Nineteen kids.
Jim Bob (does that name surprise you?) and his wife Michelle are conservative Christians who live in ( drum roll please) Arkansas. Some couples have hobbies like scrabble or tennis–these two apparently like to screw each other. When God said, “Be fruitful and multiply,” he meant everyone should chip in, he didn’t mean you two have to shoulder the responsibility by yourselves.
I’m gonna go ahead and ask the obvious question: What the hell does this chick’s crotch look like? I mean, once you’ve spit out 19 kids, is there any expectation of elasticity? For some reason I picture (and for the record, I’m trying to get this picture out of my head) something that resembles a bowling ball return at the the local alley. If I turned on the TV and found out this chick dropped a 12 pound kid out her cooch as she was grocery shopping, I would not be surprised. Not at all.
That being said, how the hell does this guy still get her knocked up? I can’t imagine there’s any friction left. I was talking with The Muse about the Duggars and she called Michelle, “Zipper Pussy”. I think that means she needs a zipper for hers, but I’m not entirely sure.
The other obvious question is how do these two find the time or privacy to get busy with each other? These two need to watch the opening scene of Monty Pythons Meaning of Life. A couple more kids and Jim Bob’s gonna have to sell a few for scientific experiments. The movie very clearly points out that as a Christian he is allowed to wear a condom. It’s one of the perks of not being Catholic.
These two also came up with the brilliant idea of giving all their offspring names that begin with the letter “J”. As stupid as that sounds on the surface, it sounds even more idiotic when you find out that child #6 is named Jinger.
Hey Jim Bob, I’m not sure how they do shit down in Arkansas, but in the rest of America we spell it Ginger. If you don’t believe me, flip on Gilligan’s Island. Speaking of Gilligan’s Island, do you think the Professor was tapping Ginger? I kind of wonder about that. I can picture him getting jiggy with both Mary Ann and Ginger. He may look all proper, but I bet the Professor was a smooth pimp daddy. Back to the Duggar’s.
In case you’re wondering who the hell these people are, here is a list of the kids from oldest to youngest. I don’t know for sure, but I’m guessing that if it doesn’t say “C-section” next to the name, that the kid popped out old school.
1 | Joshua James “Josh” | March 3, 1988 (age 23) | |
2 | Jana Marie | January 12, 1990 (age 21) | Birth via C-section |
3 | John-David | ||
4 | Jill Michelle | May 17, 1991 (age 20) | |
5 | Jessa Lauren | November 4, 1992 (age 18) | |
6 | Jinger Nicole | December 21, 1993 (age 17) | |
7 | Joseph Garrett | January 20, 1995 (age 16) | |
8 | Josiah Matthew | August 28, 1996 (age 14) | |
9 | Joy-Anna | October 28, 1997 (age 13) | |
10 | Jedidiah Robert | December 30, 1998 (age 12) | |
11 | Jeremiah Robert | ||
12 | Jason Michael | April 21, 2000 (age 11) | |
13 | James Andrew | July 7, 2001 (age 9) | |
14 | Justin Samuel | November 15, 2002 (age 8) | |
15 | Jackson Levi | May 23, 2004 (age 7) | Birth via C-section, featured in a Discovery Health special |
16 | Johannah Faith | October 11, 2005 (age 5) | Birth featured in a Discovery Health special |
17 | Jennifer Danielle | August 2, 2007 (age 3) | Birth featured in a Discovery Health special |
18 | Jordyn-Grace Makiya | December 18, 2008 (2 years 5 months) | Birth via C-section |
19 | Josie Brooklyn | December 10, 2009 (1 year 5 months) | Birth via emergency C-section, featured in a TLC special |
*List courtesy of Wikipedia
As I said at the beginning, this clan made their way to Niagara Falls last week and apparently it was a memorable trip. Niagara Falls itself is a beautiful, amazing sight and I’m happy that I’ve had the opportunity to view it from both the American and Canadian sides. It’s less than 30 minutes from where I currently live and last year I went and watched the Canada Day fireworks from the American side. It was beautiful and very cool.
The city of Niagara Falls is a completely different story. To say it’s a shithole would be an understatement. Apparently it used to be a nice place to live, but not anymore. Niagara County tourism officials were orgasmic with the exposure the TV show (which will air next season) will bring to the city. If that’s the case, I’m guessing they banned the crew from filming anywhere other than the actual falls itself.
There were throngs of fans losers following the family around, asking for autographs and wanting pictures with the family. Shredd and Ragan had audio of a woman from Cheektowaga (a mere three minute drive from my house) who recited the kids names in order from oldest to youngest. That chick has way too much time on her hands.
Word on the street is that the main attraction on this trip was baby Josie. What’s so special about this one? She was born weighing 22 ounces. Mom went in for gallstones, only to find out she was dropping #19 three months early. According to the reports I’ve read, it’s also the first time Josie has been out in the general public.
The audio from this adventure is awesome. Jim Bob said that Niagara Falls is the most beautiful city they have ever seen. I was shocked at that statement, until I later found out they were from Arkansas. I guess sexing up the Mrs. on a regular basis doesn’t leave much time for traveling outside their home state.
The bottom line is that these people are a train wreck. Normally that would mean that I would have that shit DVR’d, but for some reason I have no interest in seeing it. If they can somehow find a way to get to 23, they could have their own NHL team. Now that I would watch.
P.S. One thing I do wonder about is if Michelle has any contact with that Kate Plus Eight chick. If so, I bet she calls Kate a rookie. “Eight kids? Pffffft. Not even in double digits…”
Don’t forget to check out the Fleshlight giveaway. You have until Monday night to win one of three. If anyone deserves one of these things it’s Jim Bob!
Why must they always be from the south? Why can’t people like this be from Manhattan or Conneticut?
Ok – please do not hold this against me – I am from Arkansas and the other people in the state think they are weird also!
You want to know how they have time for sex – because the older children have to take care of the younger ones – she doesn’t have to do crap – I have watched the show once and she is way out in left field! The only good thing I have to say about it – is at least they are not on welfare!!!
Ha! At least you had the nerve to wonder out loud what her hoo ha looks like!
Roxanne–I want to know, but I don’t want to know. Ya know?
You’ve outdone yourself. Still LMAO over here! Hey, do you think they’re friends with OctoMom?
Haha! I loved this one. They really are a trainwreck but I am scare to death of being so outnumbered by children, so I can’t watch.
‘zipper pussy’ is just a derogatory term meaning if you are gonna keep havin so many kids, you may as well just stick a zipper down there to make it easier for the docs to get the kids out.
I think you should send Jim Bob a fleshlight for Fathers Day. That would be awesome!