She began making sweet love to Little Debbie…
Tuesday was my second day at the new job. It’s not my first choice for employment, but it’s a job and I’m happy to have it. I have to work late two nights a week, but I have weekends off, so it does have some great benefits and so far, looks like it may have some potential.
My workday began at 8 AM and I was assigned some chick to sit with for the morning. The supervisor who was doing our training wasn’t coming in until lunchtime and I was supposed to “shadow” her.
I grabbed a chair and sat down next to her cubicle. She looked at me and said, “I’m diabetic, so I have to eat at my desk. You’re not allowed to.” Whatever. She doesn’t sign my paychecks, so she doesn’t tell me what I can and can’t do.
She then proceeded to open her bag and whip out three of those big ass taquito looking things from 7-11. She also had a SoBe drink of some kind. She probably figured because it was low calorie it would offset the three sticks of crap she was inhaling. If so, she was wrong.
She made love to the first one as she was explaining how to turn on a computer and get to the log-in screen. I scooted back so I would avoid having food spilled on me. This chick was a vigorous eater.
She barely came up for air before she started gnawing on the second one. I was trying to ask her questions, but eventually stopped. I couldn’t understand what she was saying. She either had her mouth full or was on the phone. Occasionally she multi-tasked and did both at once. It was classy.
She took a 10 or 15 minute break before the third one and as she finished licking the crumbs off her lips, she announced she was showing me where the fridge is. I told her I knew where it was, but she insisted I follow her. “What the hell,” I thought.
She grabbed a 24 oz bottle of Pepsi Max off the top shelf and made sure she told me the right half of the top shelf is where she keeps her stuff. I’m not going to bother remembering what she told me. Chances are she considers the whole damn thing her property.
We returned to her cubicle and she opened her purse and whipped out a ziploc bag with seven or eight cookies. She somehow avoided eating them right away and about three minutes later, a co-worker walked by and put a Little Debbie snack on her desk. the Diabetic Chick pounced on it like a fumble in the Super Bowl.
She began making sweet love to Little Debbie, so I excused myself to the restroom for a moment. As I urinated, I texted The Muse to tell her about this. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I do know I used the phrase, “Holy shit. How about she mixes in a carrot once in a while?” She quickly responded, “Diabetic my ass. You don’t eat all that stuff if you’re diabetic.”
She was right. Another few months of this and I’m gonna be dodging one of those rascal scooters at work. I returned from the bathroom to find Little Debbie taken care of and only one cookie left. In just over two hours she ate more than I ate the entire previous day. Holy shit!
The owner bought pizza and wings for the whole office–around 25 people. I was first in line, though I didn’t necessarily intend to be first. All I wanted was to jump in line in front of her. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t fighting with four people over the last three slices and 2 wings.
After lunch it was a short training session, then back out for more shadowing. They put us with new people and I was shown who my new buddy was. I introduced myself and he said I probably should find someone new, because he was sick and didn’t really care about what he was doing today. Lovely. I asked if he had a cold and he replied, with a very straight face, “Malaria.” Fuck it’s gonna be a long afternoon…
Don’t forget to check out the good stuff over at J.R.’s Journey
I couldn’t stop laughing as I read this…
Is it possible that this chick is the Chair Guy’s girlfriend?
Wow! You are working with some stellar people 🙂 Good luck!
Did she offer some form of proof to her employer as being diabetic? If not, perhaps you could come up with some malady and tell the boss so you too can eat at your desk.
I think you should start checking for hidden cameras. You must be on some surprise cable reality show. Seriously! Wait a minute…maybe you need to plant your own hidden cameras and turn your job into a web series. “The (Real) Office”. It could happen. It would at least add an element of fun into the days, no?
JR, are you working at a halfway house for the mentally unbalanced? I mean, my wife’s old boss was a Crazy Bitch (capitalization intended) who grounded her from the phone for 2 months, but your new co-workers make her look like Mary Poppins.
Kelly….that was yesterday. Today there was a woman who forgot to wear her bra and who had her high beams on. Then there is a girl (barely 5 ft) who says she would “cut a bitch for calling her a cougar”. This same woman says she has been stabbed in the eye with a steak knife. Fuckin eh….
Ashly–it’s a small office and if I do find the nice one, I will let you know….
Sweet baby J, what the hell are you working at?! That woman sounds scary. Watch yourself…she might eat YOU next!
Something tells me you’re going to get wicked blog stories out of your new co-workers, if nothing else. How can a diabetic chick eat all of that and be okay? Doesn’t sound right to me. Though, the way you described her eating habits had me cringing and chuckling at the same time. I love how you detail things, man.
Glad you’re rocking it at a new job, even if it isn’t ideal or what you want. Sounds like a decent gig anyway. Hopefully you have some actual decent co-workers to go along with the ones who seem obnoxious. 🙂
what was the weight of this person? and how in the hell did she fit into a cubical?
as I was reading this I said out loud to no one – diabetic my ass.
you can’t eat that crap if you are a diabetic!!
She must have weighted 300lbs!! Holy crow.
well this is a great job for writing JR.
Margaret and Rowing Chic–my guess is that the first number in her weight is a 3. If not, I guarantee the first two numbers are 29.
I know its not your ideal job choice, but I am looking forward to other blogs posts full of hilarity. 😉
People should never use disease and illness as an excuse for such disgusting behavior. (You and I both know how I feel about that stuff already)
I wish she was reading this. She should know how nasty she looks in the eyes of others.
Plus that thing about the rascal and the “making sweet love to little debbie” had me giggle so much, I choked!
Good job, sugar! Keep em coming!
If that lady was diabetic she’d be in a sugar coma by now… holy COW! And malaria? What is with these people?
Good luck on the new job.
Holy Crap! And I thought I ate like shit at work!! I mean come on I can eat a half of package of Oreos, a half bag of chips, and wash it down with a 2 liter of Mountain Dew. This lady made me feel sick just reading everything she ate.
And this was strictly between 8 AM and about 10:15 AM. She ate more in at lunch and in the afternoon.
P.S. Don’t ever apologize for the Dew.
At least the job gives you good fodder for your blog, oh and health insurance!