The Double Standard

If I didn’t mention your blog, don’t get your thong all up your ass…

Any blog post that includes a disclaimer has a 50-50 shot of being good.  Either it’s total crap drivel that some lunatic is spouting, or it’s well thought out and doesn’t scare  the bejesus out of you..  Come to think of it, the lunatic who would spout the drivel wouldn’t be intelligent enough to put up a disclaimer and many wouldn’t know HOW to spell disclaimer, so I guess we’re left with the obvious conclusion–this is some good shit.

I have one thing to discuss before we go into the “real” blog post.  What is a dad blogger?  Is he simply a father of a younger child who writes about the adventures of Johnny or Jane as they go through all the “firsts” in their life?  Does a dad blog have to be about play dates and poopy diapers?  To me this seems to be the stereotypical dad blog. There’s nothing wrong with those blogs.  But I don’t think there should be a stereotype.

Like it or not, there is so much more to being a dad than cute stories involving our kids.  As dads, our number one priority is absolutely our families.  I respect that and would have it no other way.  There are many kinds of dads out there–and I’m talking about more than simply, “Good or bad”.  There are cool dads and their are dorky dads.  There are geek dads and dads that think “Social media” means reading the paper on a crowded subway.  There are dads that can cook a gourmet meal and dads that don’t understand,”poke three holes in the plastic before microwaving”.

There are all different kinds of dads, so there should be many different types of dad blogs.  Several people tell me that my blog isn’t a dad blog.  I totally disagree.  It’s true that my daughter, The Drama Queen, isn’t the central character in all my blog posts, but I do write about her, her experiences growing up and what she does to drive me to hang with my good pal Jack Daniels.

There is a lot more to my life than just her.  I have (some) friends.  I have a (crappy) job.  I (as of late, very occasionally) date.  And I have everyday shit that goes on in my life.

Therefore, in this blog post, my definition of “dad blogs” would be blogs written by dads who include their children 100% of the time or only some of the time.  The key to all this is to look at things with an open mind.

Finally,let me say that this is in no way a slam of mom bloggers, of moms as a whole or of women.  This is simply my personal observation of the double standard that exists within the blogosphere when it comes to mom bloggers and dad bloggers.

Disclaimer:

This blog post is simply to point out the double standard that exists between the mom blogging community and the dad blogging community.  It is in no way a slam on the mom blogging community.  In this post I will mention several mom bloggers and their blogs.  I am not saying ANYTHING bad about these people, what they write, how they write it or the content that they write about.

There are hundreds of examples I could use on any of these points, but I’m only going to use a few.  If I didn’t mention your blog, don’t get your thong all up your ass–just leave a comment with your blog info and call me a dumbass for leaving you out.

In fact, if you read closely, you will see that I dig the shit out of what mom bloggers can do and still be socially acceptable.  I want that same acceptance to extend to dad blogs or blogs written by males in general.

I love the mom bloggers and many mom bloggers love me.  And my blog.  And shit.

NAMES:

In late November of 2009 I started thinking about doing this blog.  A bunch of my friends kept telling me I should publish these stories and for years I ignored them.  Every girl I went out with had a pseudonym.  After a few, The crazy chick” stories, my friends would get confused and ask, “Is the same crazy chick or   different one.  And thus, great characters like The Period One, The 36-year-old Virgin, Phone Sex Operator and The Blogger Hottie were born.

I was working with an editor at Skunkpost on the idea for this blog and we came up with Sex and the Single Dad.  It was catchy and, in my opinion, a great idea.  The blog went up in mid December and since then I’ve had a handful of people tell me that it’s not at all cool to have the words “Sex” and “Dad” in the blog title.  Really?  I’m pretty sure that a Sex and the Single Mom site would be a huge success.

I have no plans to change the name, but on a few occasions I’ve thought about what I would change it to.  It’d have to be catchy and have a little swagger and edge, just like me.  I’m not sure if I really have any, “swagger and edge”, but I like to think I do.  There is a “Boobs, Ballgames and Beer site.  How about a Sack, Swimming and SoCo site?  Nah.  “Sack” is just a really poor image.

Vodka Mom and Mommy Wants Vodka are two of my absolute favorites and I think it’s all the way cool that they can have those names and be accepted by the masses. But let’s be real.  Whiskey Dad or Daddy Wants Tequila would be bombarded with hate on a daily basis.  That’s the double standard at work.  The image of women drinking is classy, sexy and fun.  The image of men drinking are two truckers sitting at a bar with their major plumbers crack working in the rear and their gut resting comfortably on the bar, in front of the watered down scotch on the rocks in front of them.

The names are only a small part of the double standard that I see.  A lot of the double standards come with my next section…

REVIEWS/CONTENT:

Listen to what a mom (OK.  A MILF) says when she gets a peek at a 17-year old in prime shape.  “Mmmmmhhhmmmmm.  I could go for a piece of that!!!”   If a woman said that in a blog, no one would think twice.  In fact she’d probably get a couple dozen, You go girl, comments.  What would happen if a dad said, “Damn.  Check out that hot 16 year old!!!” I’ll tell you what would happen,  Chris Hanson would be on your doorstep with a camera crew and a mobile booking station around the corner.  I’m NOT saying it’s cool to be checking out or commenting on minors.  It’s just to point out a double standard.

Maybe that’s an extreme example, but sex plays a HUGE part in this double standard.  Search out and scan blogs from some of your favorite mom bloggers.  Chances are very good that you will find a link to their sex toy reviews or even have their reviews right on their blog.  Those reviews are completely accepted and in many cases it’s a “women empowered” thing.  I get that.  It’s totally cool.  Revisit my disclaimer–I’m not opposed to this content,  I just wish dads have the same right,

What do you think would happen to a dad blogger who put links to his “Review of the new Jenna Jameson DVD” or had a post titled, “Five nasty things you can do to really get her off”?  It would be labeled as pornography, There would be a virtual “ripping off of the balls” rally and he would have every blog troll hitting his site.

Mom’s can toss the word “Vagina” in their posts at will and many review the art of vajazzling.  What would happen to a guy who often use the word “penis” is his posts?  Or worse yet, “my penis”.  Dude would have so many haters you would think he was a Boston Celtic or Denver Bronco.

LANGUAGE:

Dads who swear are crude, crass, filthy or vulgar.  Mothers who swear are liberated, modern, progressive or just have a potty mouth.  I’ve dropped an F bomb or two on my blog and I won’t apologize for that.  Hell, from time to time I even make up bad words.  Most of the time I take old classics and give them the J.R. twist, but I’ve been known to simply invent a new one for use in a particular situation.

In the past if I’ve sworn in a post I’ve received comments saying that the whole idea was good, but I could have written it without the profanity.  “Profanity”?  Seriously?  One of my favorite movie quotes of all time is Eddie Murphy from Beverly Hills Cop:


Sergeant Taggart: We’re more likely to believe an important local businessman than a foul-mouthed jerk from out of town.
Axel Foley: Foul-mouthed?
[Taggart nods]
Axel Foley: Fuck you, man.

One of my absolute favorite mom bloggers swears a lot.  But it’s put in there for emphasis and meaning.  And it’s funny.  Really funny.  Hell, in her latest post she swears 8 times in a three sentence paragraph!  That takes mad skills and I’m giving mad props to Mommy Wants Vodka.

“That said, I’ll allow a couple more days to win a years worth of motherfucking ice cream for motherfucking charity. Who gives a fucking shit if you’re fucking polite about it and fucking shit? We can be charitable without being all vanilla. And shit.”

Aunt Becky

I have absolutely nothing against this paragraph and in fact I think its some damn fine writing.  Jamie over at Single Mom Survives knows a swear word or two and uses them in almost every blog post from time to time.  I’m not saying that mom and dad blogs should be vulgar and crass, but I do believe that every blogger–no matter whether they have dude junk, chick junk or *shudder* both sets of junk–should be able to say things using the language they choose.  Basically; if it’s cool for mom blogs, it should be cool for dad blogs as well.

CONCLUSION:

I’m not saying that dad bloggers are getting the shaft right now.  I think the large majority of dad bloggers hope to never get the shaft.  A few do.  If you do, that’s cool.  It’s not MY thing.  That’s all I’m saying.  But I digress.

Mom blogs are celebrated for their “pushing the boundaries” and “thinking outside the box” while dad blogs are looked down upon, ridiculed and chastised when we try to be guys.  I’m not asking for world peace or a slice with sausage and hot peppers from Zetti’s on Maple.  All I’m asking is that dad blogs be placed on a level playing field with mom blogs.  That way everyone can be judged for their talent and their content without the sex of the blogger coming into play.

In case you haven’t figured out the whole point to this post, it’s simple.  Perception.  I have zero complaints with the names, content or language of mom blogs.  What I do have a problem with is the fact that people perceive them to be different from us.  There should be no, “yours” or “mine”.  It should be “our genre” and in my world there would be no “mom blogs” or “dad blogs”.  There would only be “good blogs” and “bad blogs”.

Does anyone have a guitar so we can all gather like hippies and sing Kumbaya?  That would be pretty fuckin sweet!

J.R.

P.S.  If you’re a mom blogger, dad blogger or someone who just has an opinion, please comment!  If you feel so inclined, could you RT this, post the link on your Facebook page.  blog, car, wherever you can.  I want to get 100 comments on this puppy!

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About J.R. Reed

J.R is a full-time single dad attempting to raise a 14-year-old daughter without providing too many stories to relay to her future therapist. He is also the creator of the popular blog, Sex and the SIngle Dad. A former radio talk show host and color commentator, he’s also an off-the-hook cook, a bit of an argyle-loving dork and has a word in Urban Dictionary. J.R. has a serious guacamole addiction and a torta dealer named Danny.

Comments

  1. Goddammit! Fuck you, JR. You didn’t mention me. I’d say my thong is all up in my ass but, really? That’s just a little redundant, isn’t it?

    Personally, I hate the “mommy blogger” label. I’m a blogger. I’m a mom. I’m not one of those scrapbooking, casserole-baking, sew-nametags-in-my-kids’-clothes, welcome-home-honey-did-you-have-a-nice-day-at-work kind of moms, which is what I think of when I hear the phrase “mommy blogger.” But that’s probably only because I don’t have a honey coming home to me.

    You know I fuckin’ love ya, man. Double standards suck. And to hell with the poopy diapers. I paid those dues.

    Screw Kumbaya, man. Let’s grab some booze, some lube and have a massive orgy, huh? Preferably with hot 18 year-old men who can actually last more than 30 seconds. I’ll bring the toys.

    • sexandthesingledad says:

      I’m so sorry for leaving you out. What the hell was I thinking. As always, I dig you shit and all that you stand for. I’m totally down for the booze, lube and orgy. Who’s invited???

  2. The Rowing Chic says:

    um, I guess this blog world double standard is pay back for men slaving us in the office at .40 less than what you men made for the same amount of work…….just saying……

  3. I’m with the rowing chick. All I hear is whaaa whaaaa whaaaa by the opressed men. Also, what happens if you get 100 comments? Does a magical dad blog fairy come blow you? How about we all shut the fuck up and just write like we don’t give a shit what any one else thinks? Hmmmmm?

    PS. Piper, thong up the ass redundant. Fuck, that was funny.

  4. A. I think it’s funny and ironic that you want to be classified under the term Dad Blog and I want to get classified away from the the term Mommy Blog. Yes, I right a blog and am a mom, but my blog is about my life, not just about my motherhood. I am more than a mom, even though I love being a mom.

    B. I say write your blog, your way. You can’t write honestly if you are caring what someone else thinks about your writing or style (easier said than done). Use your words, your thoughts and your choice of page name. It’s yours. You will find your audience and there is limitless amounts of room in the blogosphere for every interest and taste preference.

    C. I agree that bloggers no matter their genital status are bloggers and should be judged solely on our content and our ability to consistently write something our readership enjoys reading. We all have our niche readership who come to read because they enjoy our honest voice. If your honest voice includes profanity, use it at will. Your readers comes here to hear from you.

    D. Personally, I am not a fan of gratuitous profanity and vulgarity in a ‘mommy’ or ‘daddy’ blog, nor do I write it, just because it’s not me. That is not to say that there aren’t some instances when it’s usage is necessary or enhances a writers’ thoughts.

    The most important part of writing in and format is that the author be true to his/her own voice and never care what someone else will think about it. Only then, can we be successful writers. Keep being you.

    • sexandthesingledad says:

      I’m not saying that I’m waiting for someone to put a magical “dad Blog” label on my site, because I honestly don’t care. My point was just that there is a double standard and that a lot of the “mom bloggers” don’t blog exclusively about motherhood.

      How about this? Forget the terms mom blog and dad blog and just go with women and men. Society finds the content that I mentioned (sex toy reviews, etc…) acceptable if a woman does them, but men doing them are considered creepy by many.

      I’[m definitely going to keep doing my thing and I’m glad you are too! More than anything else I figured I would point out some things I’ve noticed and see what other people have to say about it…

  5. You know I love your blog. Love the name and I love the fact I can come over here and say HOLY FUCKING SHIT DUDE THIS POST TOTALLY FUCKING ROCKED MY ASSHOLE!!! As far as women slaving in the office for less than men make, the women I work with make double to triple what I do a week working 40 hours while I work 55-60. So they can fuck off about poor women’s working conditions. Just saying, not a personal attack, just an observation.

    I don’t mind being labeled a dad blogger because 99% of my content is about being a dad. I have another blog for non parenting related stuff. From social media, to working class pride, I keep the two subjects separate. As for swearing, I don’t on my blog just out of respect for family that reads it and doesn’t quite agree to saying “holy fuck my kid just took the biggest shit and now the whole house smells like a meconium covered ass nugget” … but I digress.

    Great post JR!

  6. I can totally see your point but I have only been doing this for a couple of months and am still wading around.

    I have put the moniker of SAHD on my blog but totally intend to write about the whole kit and kaboodle., including when I do finally venture back into the dating world.

    As far as the double standard, maybe over time we can even things out. Daddy blogs are new to the scene in most cases and I think we need to wait and see with a lot of this stuff.

    And I agree that we all should just be ourselves. I swear in real life and swear on my blog. The biggest compliment I have ever got was 2 friends that told me my writing was just like I am in real life. And let me know when and where on the orgy.

  7. I say fuck it write what you want. I do.

  8. I’ve actually gotten a huge amount of shit for the name “Mommy Wants Vodka” and I’d change it to something more profane in a moment if I could. People know me as “Mommy Wants Vodka” so I’ll keep it.

    But I’ve gotten a ton of shit for the name. That lady who got hammered and drove her family to a hideous death? Might as well have been me. I got called out on a ton of media outlets for it. It wasn’t as awesome as it sounds.

    I agree that the double standard exists. I’m just not sure it’s as hard out there for a dad blogger as it seems. Women love male bloggers. There are a lot more ladies out there than men. And we all feel confined by what we can and cannot discuss.

  9. I’m not sure where the Hell I fit. I’ve got the Monkey but my posts aren’t always about our misadventures. Sometimes I write about the Bio, but mostly it’s about my shit. And really isn’t that why we blog anyway? To exercise the Demons? Okay, maybe it’s just me. I don’t think that you have to write about nothing but being a Dad and how it applies to your life daily, don’t Dad’s do shit besides kick it with their kids? I’m rambling.

    Sweet post. *fist bump*

  10. I’m with Green-eyed Brat. Write with your own voice and what you want. Who cares what anyone else thinks.

  11. I am not aware of any double standard or at least I don’t notice. I don’t care what they call me. Most bloggers don’t last long enough to make a real mark anyway. .

  12. The Rowing Chic says:

    Yo Daddy— when was the last time YOUR FEMALE boss came to YOUR condo and jacked off on your personal bedding?? MY MALE boss did so Feb 11, 2007. SO dont EVEN go there about working conditions….

  13. You’re touching on something that is a society thing vs. a mom/dad blogger thing. Nobody likes to be pigeon holed. This is the internet though… you can say pretty much whatever you want. If you want to talk about sex toys or porn, its perfectly acceptable online. Whether or not that puts you at odds with whatever community you identify yourself with is a different story.

    That’s the other great thing about the internet… you can be part of a community pretty much just by saying you are. Hell… you can say you’re a mom blogger with a few tricks of perception and no-one would say a thing. So talk about whatever you want to talk about and call yourself a Dad Blogger. There is NOTHING that anyone can do about it.

    Welcome to the internet…. oh, watch out for Rule 34… that’s an important one.

  14. Hang on a minute while I pull my panties up outta my ass…..ok there. Anywho, you are so right. It is a total double standard! I say let the f-bombs fall where they may & let’s tip a shot of whatever you’re drinking to blogging equality, my friend! :-)

  15. There might be a bit of a double standard, as you suggest, especially when it comes to dads talking about booze and chicks. I suspect that’s because when women talk about pounding cosmos and ogling man-children, most people assume they are joking boldly from the safety of their blog personae; whereas with men, they assume that we really would guzzle a bottle of Night Train and molest the babysitter given the opportunity. I hate to be a gender betrayer, but historically as a group, we have kind of earned that reputation. If I were single (and especially if I wanted to write about dating), I might bristle at the “double standard,” but it doesn’t bug me now. I would no sooner decry this inequity than complain about not being allowed to use the N-word as a white dude. But that’s just me. And I am a total fucking pussy.

  16. Yo Daddy— when was the last time YOUR FEMALE boss came to YOUR condo and jacked off on your personal bedding?? MY MALE boss did so Feb 11, 2007. SO dont EVEN go there about working conditions….

    Why was he at your home and what did you do about it?

  17. Speaking as a woman in a predominantly patriarchal society, the double standards have worked in your favor for far longer than they haven’t.

    Speaking as a “mommy blogger,” what double standard? Seems fine to me :)

    Speaking as a writer and as a human, inequality in all its forms blows. Being able to say what you want in the manner you want to is a fundamental right. A right that is even more evident in the amorphous, line blurring world of the internet. Of course, concurrent with that right is everyone else’s right to comment on it. Especially with the option of anonymity available here that we do not have in real life. (I’ve seen some things in comments on the web that I’m pretty sure people would never say to someone’s face.)

    • sexandthesingledad says:

      I agree with your comment that as a woman double standards have worked in favor of men more than they have women. However your comment, “Seems fine to me” is a bit odd. Do you seriously believe that a blog named Whiskey Dad or Daddy Wants Bourbon would get the same acceptance as Vodka Mom or Mommy Wants Vodka? When a woman blogger writes about the latest sex toy, it’s all “you go girl”. If I were to review porn or the latest sex toy I found online, I would be called a perv and might even be considered a “bad influence” or “unfit parent” for my 13-year-old daughter.

      Remember that I am in no way slamming what women can get away with. I just wish that as a society the same types of things can be accepted of men. I know that I have the right and the freedom to say whatever I want to, but there is a reality that I have to face as a father. Once she’s grown and out of the house it will probably be a different story.

      I already get the occasional comment from people who think it’s odd or inappropriate for a man to be raising his teenage daughter by himself. I know people are dicks, but it still sucks ass.

  18. Whoa! Okay there are a lot of issues at play here. I’m going to echo what Beta Dad said about the existence of the double standard but only to a limited extent. I think when we’re talking about the subject of sex it becomes a little more pronounced. The key in all of this, though, is in gaining credibility with others in the niche. I’ve seen a lot of people–moms & dads–jump in and try to be shocking or controversial in an attempt to gain notoriety; however, their act was so contrived, everyone ignored them. I’ve also seen others start off this way, and they were readily accepted.

    The difference between the two came down to the authenticity of their voice, and that’s what readers responded to. it’s just like in real life. We can tell the fakes from the reals. Once you have that credibility firmly established I think you can pretty much write about anything (within reason of course), using the words that best represent you. I always point to B Hockey Jesus as a decent example of a dad who can blog this way. The guy writes about so pretty heavy shit too.

    And Dude, I thought we agreed my thong issues would remain a secret. That’s just great. Everyone’s going to think that not only does Superman sport underwear on the outside of his costume, but he also wears a thong underneath.

  19. Oi! Good stuff here, gets my juices flowing… all this talk of being single, and sex and panties shoved up into dark places.

    In terms of the double standard, you definitely have an up-hill battle since you’re rolling as a single dad, with a life, and a drive to find the right pair of ass-eaten panties. It’s real, and it’s you, and it’s good, and it’s dangerous.

    Anything online is flammable, it can go up in flames in seconds and the writer’s sitting there with a “holy shit what just happend” look while every power-suited asshole gathers around to stone you and point and blame, etc. And yet it’s real simple to just throw something online…

    I think your big challenge is the fact that you’re trying to create something valuable, not just some piss-pot of a site for linkbait and advertisements… you’re creating a crew, people who your message is really healing for cuz it’s in their own style, in your style.

    If you were just looking for traffic and links you’d love the controversy that comes with the double standard, but you’d be creating something shitty, as Mr. Kent mentioned about the folks looking for notoriety…

    But that’s not you, and this is the cultural setting, and you’re an active part of re-shaping this whole story. And i think you’re doing a great job of it. So, tally-fucking ho!

  20. I think all this talk of blogs by bloggers is a little silly, frankly. I doubt porn stars sit around naked and talk about sex all the time. They do coke and talk about sports and fast cars. No offense, but all these posts about blogs and gender are getting redundant.

  21. You SIR! Have become my new best friend. I started this little blogging thing just a few months ago and am buying what you are selling.

    I say do what you do and let the haters, hate!

  22. That was just a little humor coming from the side that the double standard is in favor of this time.

    • sexandthesingledad says:

      That’s OK. My reply was trying to stir the pot a bit and get some reaction from people. It didn’t really work so well, huh?

      • sexandthesingledad says:

        Dude–thanks a lot. I checked out your stuff and it’s all the way cool. I’m gonna add you to the blogroll as soon as I’m done with this bullshit meeting I have to go to…

  23. What you have is really funny. Reading the thread made my day. Good luck to your blog!

  24. its really so funny. Nice blog.

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