The opening week of the NFL finishes as it should, with the Raiders traveling to Mile High to play the Denver F’ing Broncos. The only way it could be better is if they were playing in Oaktown where the Black Hole would be all up in the face of everyone with that stupid horse on their helmet.
Speaking of that stupid helmet, is anyone actually supposed to be scared of them when they wear orange and blue? I mean, seriously, outside of former linebacker (and big time drug abuser) Bill Romanowski, is there anyone who strikes fear into the hearts of opposing players? Shit no.
And let’s talk about their fans for a moment. Look at the hardcore Raiders fans and how they attire themselves, then look at the Broncos fans. The only weird one they have is that old dude in the barrel. And I heard he died. If so, rest in peace, bro. You were a weird son of a bitch, but I was sad when I heard you kicked the bucket.
I wonder if they buried him in a casket or if they just stuffed him all the way into the barrel and sealed the ends up. Any Broncos fans have the answer to that? I’d be interested to know.
If you have no clue what I’m talking about–if you don’t know the history of the Raiders and the Broncos, I ask you to spend 1:26 and let Samuel L. Jackson (who is on my VIP list for my funeral/memorial service) explain it to you.
See what I mean? We hate them and they hate us. We’re good and they’re evil. They’re our bitches. Or at least, they’re supposed to be. Ever since that senile geezer Al Davis let Mike Shanahan go to Denver, we’ve more or less been their bitch. I can’t begin to tell you how much ass that sucks. More than a lot, that’s for sure.
And here’s my thing with Tebow. I think we can all agree that dude has always been a self-righteous tool, right? Then the tool wins the Heisman and he’s the poster boy for milk and everything else that’s pure and holy. Then he does a Super Bowl commercial with his mom for Focus on the Family and shows the world what a douchebag he is. He hasn’t even been drafted in the NFL and he’s trying to command the attention of the entire world on their biggest stage? What a cock.
Then he somehow gets drafted early (that was probably what he got paid in return for that lame commercial.) And he’s riding the bench. Still. Because he sucks. Ha ha Tebow. And don’t be pissed at God, because he kept his end of the bargain. He put you on the team. Your job was to stay there.
If T-bag does lose his NFL gig, he can always write a book. Then he can film a shitty infomercial to pimp the book. The camera could pan to a figure sitting on a stool. “Hi. I’m Tim Tebow. I played for the Denver Broncos. Well, I didn’t really play. I pretty much just wore a uniform and headphones. And I held a clipboard. Basically, I was someone elses bitch. [uncomfortable pause] But I wrote a book; Tim Tebow, Morality Blows And So Do I. It can be yours right now for only $19.95.”
Then Tebow could tell the take of how he went from pious asswipe to NFL bust to coming out of the closet on Focus On The Family. All of these outrageous statements are true, except of course for the whole gay thing. That was just the ramblings of my imagination and is not an actual confirmed fact. Although it could be true. But I’m not sure.
Dude was supposed to be the next Elway and shit, but he’s pretty much a clipboard holder making a million plus, per. It’s OK, Timmy. In a couple of years you’ll be a memory. You’ll be, “That dude from Florida. You know who I mean. The one who thought he was hot shit, but when he got to the NFL everyone found out he was just plain shit.” As I said on the radio (more than once), “I can’t wait for the day Tim Tebow gets busted in the back seat of a VW with a transvestite hooker.” I honestly think it will happen someday. Hopefully soon.
As much as I want the Raiders to win tonight, the reality is they won’t. They suck pretty bad. Our QB is Jason Campbell, a dude who got booted from the Redskins because he was shitty, which of course means Al Davis had to over-pay for him. We have Jacoby Ford and Darrius Heyward-Bey at wide receiver, but they’re not elite-type receivers. Not yet anyway. And it takes elite-type receivers to catch Jason Campbell passes.
Our offensive lines is crappy which negates a lot of the talent coming from D-Mac (Darren McFadden) and Michael Bush in the backfield. We lost our only good defensive player to the Eagles and our kicker rufied himself on purpose. I swear to God we look like some crappy school’s frosh-soph team. We suck so fuckin bad.
Today I’m asking a favor of all of you. It’s simple and can take as little as five seconds. Pray. Pray for the Raiders. Pray for the Broncos to all get severe food poisoning. But only for a couple of days. Pray for whatever you want as long as at the end of the game, the Raiders win. The only way we’re gonna win tonight is with the help of the Lord. God bless you.
P.S. If you’ve got a couple of minutes and you want to know how I REALLY feel about Tim Tebow, LISTEN to a segment from a May 7, 2010 radio show where I go off on him. Please forgive the audio quality as I was not in studio and was calling the station from a cell phone.