10 Ways to Deal With Your Partner’s Sexual Past (Because You Have To)

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  1. I think that applies to a minority, the majority of men understand that their partners history really matter. Its not as if anyone dating doesn’t have a sexual history.

    I think that bad feeling about it is justified or at least understandable in a number of situations.

    He is trying to find a partner that he can invest in and not worry too much about being cuckolded or her taking his assets after a few years because she is not suited to monogamy.
    He experience is vastly greater than his and he is feeling inadequacy.
    He is below average size/has ed/premature ejaculation.

    Men have the same right to screen out players that women do.

  2. Feral Girl says:

    I believe that if you ask a question, you should be trully prepared for the answer. And most men are not prepared when they ask a woman about her sexual past. They expect to hear what they want to hear.

    I have a past, while i was married – my husband and I indulge in the swinger lifestyle. I experimented a lot… made a lot of my fantasies come true. Also, I explored – I always wondered if I was bisexual.. so, I tried women and discovered I wasnt! etc. etc.

    But, this is in my past. I tried, value the experience, but is not something I want to do again. And this is where the problem arrives with men, I have told few men about this – because I know, the moment I share this with them – they will feel like they arrived to the candy store. Yes! she will make my 3some fantasy come true! They think, I will now renact those things with them.

    I did not experience this reaction with all of them, but it has been 2 out of 3. The first one.. played with the idea, but I knew it was something that he would never dare to do – but he liked to fantasize about. The second one.. I had to have couple of conversations to tell him to stop talking to me about lesbian sex.. that I was not interested, finally, I had to tell him that the next time he mentioned it would be the last time he would see me.

    So no.. I dont feel comfortable telling men about my past. I have to lie. Specially at the beginning, if he is unwise enough to ask about it.

    • What you are saying to those men is that the man you were with in the past was worth it but they are not. A man does not want to be told you were willing to engage in sexual activities in someone else but when they care about you and want to take care of you, you have at the same time decided they are not as worthy as the previous men who obviously did not care for you as much or you would be with them. If you don’t see this point of how another human being would feel you are placating your own ideals and interests to just be right. I know how the new man would feel because this happened to me with my wife and blow jobs with swallowing. She did it for him and not for me. JUST WRONG!

      • Man, you are right about this one.

        • “She did it for him and not for me. JUST WRONG!”

          No, she did it for HERSELF, in an experimental phase. She didn’t try lesbian sex to please her partner, she did it out of her own curiosity. Not everything sexual a woman does, wears, or says is FOR MEN. Eeesh.

          • OK who cares who she did it for she was willing with someone else but not with the person she is suppose to love?

            I am sorry if you did things you are not keen of in your past but when I want to try those things with you and you reject me that tells me something knowing you have done them before.

            VERY TELLING!

            • Yeah, it says she tried those things and hated them, you should respect that not all people enjoy exactly everything in bed.

  3. My advice to someone who cares about the current partner having a sexual past? You probably need therapy.

    • Terence Manuel says:

      If you think it does not matter, then you are in denial. Therefore, perhaps you are the one in need of therapy.

  4. Henry Vandenburgh says:

    I can’t believe that any mature person cares about this. I do admit to being very curious about my wives’ (I’m on marriage 2) and partners’ sexual pasts, but probably out of curiosity (and admittedly a bit of stimulation.) My current wife and I have probably had over a hundred partners each, but we went through the 60s.

    • Good for you, Henry! I ask sometimes, just out of curiosity (and will occasionally get turned on). When I was newer to sex, I would get BUTTHURT when my man said he did something with a previous partner, or told me his number and it ended up to be higher than I thought. Now I realize that it has nothing to do with me and our sex life together. If we mesh, we mesh. Just because he’s had sex before, doesn’t mean that our sex lives can’t be great. Doesn’t mean that I’m doing anything wrong. If he were to go around telling me or others that I wasn’t as ‘good’ as one of his ex lovers, then yeah, there’d be a problem. But otherwise, who cares? As long as he takes our sex life seriously, communicates his desires, listens to mine, and doesn’t dwell in the past.

  5. This article really has helped me a great deal with something that has torn me apart this past year. About a year into my current relationship, I found out about how many men (my wife) had slept with before we met. I have been very obsessed about this and the jealousy has been profound. Rather than run from the jealousy and anxiety that it has created, I have have leaned into it and learned a great deal about myself. I like number 9, Make Jealousy Your Friend, because I have seen it as an enemy to be conquered and fighting it has made it persist. I love my wife dearly and it isn’t easy thinking about her with other men, a natural reaction, but she wasn’t sitting around waiting for me to come along. To punish her about what happened before me is truly unfair.

    • I have the same problem you have, I have been married long enough it should not bother me but it does when I get stressed. the worst part that bothers me he was 15 and she was 16 from what she told me he forced himself on her, my wife was the first person I ever had sex with I was 19 going on 20 she was 17. I even cheated on her once before are marriage thought that would help it has not mad her mad when she found out. Before we were married I was looking fro reasons to stay togehter thats when she became pregnant. I still lover but not the way I should what makes thing’s worse she has several health problems which makes are marriage little more tough.

    • Man, i feel the same way you do. And this jealousy has destroyed relationships of mine before. I am not married luckily. But what i do now, is ask the proper questions right at the beggining, so that if i can’t take the answers, i finish it. I rather ask the questions at the beggining, because if i don’t ask anything and we get married, who knows… Maybe 5 years into the marriage we take a couple of wines, she tells me things i don’t want to know, and then it will be much worse.

  6. These are all of the usual arguments people bring when it comes to this subject. But none of them ever helped me, or any of my friends, in dealing with this issue. The only thing that ever helped me was a guide I bought over at http://www.SheWasASlut.com — the author was the first I’ve ever seen that gave a complete overview of this subject and gave me the tools to make the right decision.

  7. The Wet One says:

    Really?

    Some fools actually think that whomever they’re with has no sexual history? Are you for real? Who are these people?

    Do they think the sun rises in the north too?

    That is hardcore weird thinking…

    Unless you’re in junior high, your partner has a history.

    Get real!

    The Wet One

    • Mr Supertypo says:

      @the wet one, I agree, for me it sound rather strange that someone is so naive to really belive that she never had a sexual past. Personally I feel perfectly confortable to know that my gf had a sexual past, and even more confortable, when we can talk about it. Actually for me is a enjoyment, because so I can better understand what she likes and it is easier to meet half way through.
      The virgin hype? not for me. I want a woman who has tryed things, who know stuff, because I know I do. Imagine all the fun we can have together rather than just get upset when something of the past is mentioned.
      No, I only look after women who has a active sex drive, and actually in my opinion they can be even more loyal than the ones who never dared to try anything (I know, we all have our personal story, and not everybody had the same chances) because, she wont get curious since she already tryed. But a person who has been in chastity for most of its life? hmm as soon they discover the enjoyment of sex, there is a good chance they want more. In my experience. But the experience is mine, and not universal.

      When I speak to my female friends, who are single, I always advice them to use their single time to discover things. Go out, have fun, learn yourself to know better. When you know yourself, it would be much easier to find a good guy/girl. Trust me :-)

      • Maybe you can say all this because you have a sexual past of your own, to boast about as well.
        What if you never got to experiment? What if you never had opportunities to have your fun, gain experience etc. Would your thoughts be same as now?

        • You took the words out my mouth. Let’s see if he’ll mouth off the same braggadoccio if he never got any action due to unfortunate incidents in his life. It’s one thing to get constructive opinions, but to get condescending comments from those who have had many? Well, that’s a whole new and different ball game. Thanks a lot for the help, anyway.

    • Great comment, The Wet One. Nowadays, even if you have no partners, you still have a sexual past. Umm…p0rn? I’m in my 20s, and going for virgins seems silly since I know they’ve spent the last 10-15 years just watching stuff and masturbating anyways, regardless of if they’ve had physical partners.

  8. Every website dealing with this issue shows the exact same pattern. The ladies tend to get a bit defensive but avoid answering WHY it is a common problem for men to deal with. They already know the answer but, it makes a better-sounding case to blame whoever asks the question. Truth is, women average WAY more sexual partners than men ever will. Why? Because they can. This is why so many men see female promiscuity as “cheap”. Girls, if you spent 2 years of your life doing things in other mens beds you wouldn’t do with someone who treats you with respect or could potentially care for you long term, why blame them for not wanting to take you serious? Would YOU feel okay knowing your hubby used to knock over prostitutes like dominoes and performed circus acts in bed with dozens of easy women just to savor the secret and picked you for retirement?
    No.

    I’m not going to be told by anyone who subconsciously picks men over their income or what kind of car they drive that I shouldn’t be allowed to choose based on my own priorities just because you think it’s okay to lie and advise others to.

    My advise to other men who grew up treating women like we were taught…. if you don’t want to get engaged to a promiscuous girl, then you have EVERY RIGHT to ask. If they start playing the gender card about how “men can do it but we can’t”, then don’t even bother waiting for the number. Just walk away and leave her the dinner tab for an extra bonus.

    • Why is it ‘retirement’? You can’t go through an experimental phase and still continue to experiment with your partner? If you want your wife to do something, ask respectfully. Whether or not she’ll do it likely has very little to do with whether or not she did it in the past. Even if she did something in the past that she didn’t enjoy, she’s likely to try it with you—you could be better or she could be more relaxed.

      • Aya

        Women are not affected by this ‘dynamic’ so you will never be able to empathize with men in this situation.

        For the umpteenth time, most men dont get to go thru the ‘experimental phase’ you talk about. It doesnt matter whether you disagree with this reality.. It doesnt matter if you know 3 ordinary looking guys who had more than 10 partners in their college days.

        Kyle is right, the average woman has way more sexual partners and experience than the average male. The funny thing is this is despite the risks that women face – regarding rape, slut-shaming (or whatever remains of it), pregnancy and STD’s – there are way more male college age virgins than female and given the risks, one would logically assume the situation to be reverse. Anyways.

        I’ve only had 2 gf’s in my 28 yr life, with whom I shared some awkward sexual moments. I dont want to settle down with a woman who has ridden the carousel. Dont get me wrong. There is nothing immoral about a woman having 100 partners. I have no disrespect for a woman with a promiscuous past. I would just never emotionally invest in such a woman. I just want to marry a woman with a similar level of sexual history. I only want someone who is my equal in that respect. Why is that wrong?

        I also agree with Kyle’s use of the word RETIREMENT. Infact I answered your question on the other thread regarding this, as well… Womens options for casual sex / flings are much much greater in both, number and quality. An average woman might easily be able to have casual sex and flings with dozens of relatively attractive, charming, popular and successful men, BUT for marriage, she will most likely end up with someone who is her EQUAL. Someone who does’nt measure up to the men she had casual sex and flings with, someone who never got to have his fun, let alone with women way more attractive than the one he is marrying. Please dont pretend to be naive and ask “why would she marry you if she didnt find you attractive” Its not rocket science.

    • nanners86 says:

      So what if the situation is reversed Kyle?

      What if I’m the one who has only ever had 2 partners (both of them husbands, yes I’m on 2nd marriage) and I find out months after being married to #2 that he’s done all sorts of sordid things with over 60 women, 4 of which were prostitutes (while he was “on a break” from a long-term, sexless relationship…the break conveniently coincided with the trip to the Caribbean where the prostitutes were)?? He told me about his past voluntarily, I had no idea it was coming. The prostitute thing I had a hunch about when he kept making comments about various things. I was finally like, okay do you need to tell me something? You keep insinuating things… And sure enough.

      Not only has all this not made him better at sex, he’s outright boring in bed. I, not having ever tried anything with anybody ever (since ex-husband was a porn freak, also didn’t find that out til 1.5 yrs into that marriage. I think I detect a pattern here, ugh.) expressed my eagerness to try new things and was slapped in the face with the cold, hard fish of truth: “Sex is boring, no matter how many times you do it, it’s always going to get boring.” Always excuses. Always getting rejected, and I was the initiator over 90% of the time. I tried increasing BJ’s, suggesting new things, buying lingerie, dragging him to a sex shop…

      I’ve given up. He has no sex drive now. I have no promiscuous tendencies, surprising since I have a very high sex drive, but I have SO MUCH RESENTMENT. I still love him, but the sex part of this relationship has died and I’m over it. Why can he do all those things with them (a mix of f***-buddies, friends with benefits and one-night-stands with only 3 dating relationships to show for all of that) and then nothing with me? For 2 years I’ve tried to get over his past, and I was succeeding but with his callous attitude I’ve involuntarily reverted to resentment mode.

      Aside from a minor hiccup (a false glimmer of hope) we’ve been sexless for 3 months. Before that it was 2. It just keeps getting longer and more unbearable. And if I’d known about his past before we tied the knot, I would have thought twice. Not to say I wouldn’t have married him at all, but I certainly would have given it more thought. I feel betrayed.

      • Nanners, sorry to hear about all of this. It sounds like you don’t deserve any of it. And if it’s really how you feel like, just let him go. Nobody deserves to feel like that. You should be happy with your husband, not feeling miserable. Cheers.

      • Mr Supertypo says:

        @Nanner, maybe he is going through some kind of depression? did you talk to him to take a visit to the doctor?

      • Nanners86

        There is nothing about having 60 partners, FWB’s, flings, one night stands that you, being a woman, couldn’t do in your past if only YOU wanted.

        I am not belittling your situation. I’m only saying atleast you can console yourself by knowing that having a wild and promiscuous past was something you simply opted not to have, rather than being something beyond your abilities. Atleast you can walk away and do all the things your husbands did or still does. Men in your situation cant do either.

        Btw, you must have married a very attractive guy. Not many men have so many opportunities.

    • My girlfriend has had many partners many of which i know and even used to be friends with. I asked about her pAst when we first started dating. I then asked her not to tell me about it anymore. When she drinks it all comes out though. She has explained in detail what she has done and with who.she not only explained it to me but also all my friends and people i work with. I see these men from her past on a reagular basis and i cant seem to get over it. I think about it everyday and because i know them and she has explained it so well that i picture it. I love her very much and we have a child together. The last thing i could or would want to do is leave but im going out of my mind. If someone could please help me with this!!!! I dont wish to be attacked for this. I just want help…….

  9. I appreciate all the comments here. But I have to agree with another poster–if you suffer with this–have an overactive imagination, to the point where you’re playing scenes in your head, none of this helps.
    I’m willing to accept this is a disorder and not rational–but that’s the problem with these posts–rational arguments don’t matter–they don’t help.
    This is a form of OCD for many like me. When I get a question or worry in my head it’s like pressure that builds and builds until you feel like you’re going to pop.
    I talk myself into “this will be the last question”–but it never is and hasn’t been since i was in college.
    I have been in therapy, taken medication–nothing has ever helped long term.

    I go through periods where i’m free of it but then it creeps back.

    So, rationally, I know this is mean, unfair, hurtful and ultimately destructive. But it’s agony
    .
    I wish to God I knew the root so I could work on it.

    It’s easy to say–what an asshole, get real, you’re deluded, grow up–but if you look at it as a disease or disorder, do you have any real ideas on how to help?
    Ironically, I want to put this to bed

    • Wow…thank you. You put it EXACTLY right. No one understands why the old “it’s all in the past, he’s with you now” doesn’t work, and it makes me so upset. If the “rational thought” and “steps to get over jealousy” actually worked, I wouldn’t still have an issue with jealousy and sure as hell wouldnt be on this website!
      Maybe those things work for some people, but I am Obsessive. We’re talking to the point where I spin into a week-(sadly)month long psychotic depression just from hearing a detail of his sexual history, or him saying so&so is “fuckin hot”… It not only makes me resent him/ignore him/lose sexual interest, but I am also devaluing myself in the process. I FEEL like it is a sickness, my level of jealousy makes me unable to eat or sleep and all I want is peace. I know that it stems from my low self esteem, & I’m honestly so embarrassed by how hurt i am that he’s been with others. I take it personally! I just want to be normal, be able to be “accepting” of it and move on…but I cannot. I’m young, 21, I don’t want this disorder plaguing me for the rest of my life. I too go through periods where it’s better, but it Always comes back.. makes me feel like shit..this isn’t a maturity thing, this is a deep rooted problem that I have yet to find a solution for. It’s wearing me out…I’d almost rather be alone than have to do deal with this in a relationship..

  10. Jennifer J. says:

    My husband and I were close friends for two years during college before we started dating. I knew about most of his dating history because I was there to witness it. He was the first person I told when I lost my virginity with my then-boyfriend. When we finally realized that we wanted to be with each other as more than just friends, we already knew a lot of intimate details. Since then, we’ve had an agreement that if you want to know something, you ask. If you don’t like the answer, we can talk about why, but the underlying truth is that we chose each other, and what came before is just history.
    Having these things out in the open can help to lessen their power. Because he’s revealed to me what he did and felt with Girlfriend X, he no longer has secrets with Girlfriend X, he has secrets with me. And we can both learn from our own and each other’s past experiences.

  11. I think its totally understandable if a man wants to settle down with a woman with a similar sexual history.

    If a guy has only had 2 gf’s, there is nothing wrong if he wants a woman who hasnt had more than 2 bf’s. Its not hypocrisy. It says nothing about lack of respect for promiscuous women. Its just his preference and a valid one given he only wants an EQUAL.

  12. Providing Clues says:

    @Painful and Nanners86 (Little late but want to chime in)
    You are very much right. I have the same issue. No therapy or counseling will help. I know nothing can be done. I know that these are irrational and destructive emotions. You are only destroying yourself and your partner. You also do not want this, deal with it and move on. If you found a love of your life, it becomes not just your issue but both of you. You need to accept his or her sexual past, but your partner also need to accept that you have these emotions and help you cope with this. This comes up even after you thought you moved past the issue. Otherwise, your relationship will be miserable and will have resentment. This may be a life long commitment. (Gosh, I hope not.)

    Here is my story. I am married a wonderful wife. I will not trade her with anyone else. She is also the first and the only person I ever made love to. I had a few GFs in the past but always restrained from becoming intimate. Some of these relationships were as long as 4 years. My wife had multiple partners in the past. I knew she was not a virgin when we met. I fell in love with her and thought that my love was strong enough to overcome my reservation. After we got engaged, we ended up making love and decided to share sexual history. I was hurt and she realized she hurted me deeply. She tried very hard to amend this after that. There were times she deeply hurted me after that unknowingly. She thought she lost me once because she realized how deeply she hurted me about her past. I told her that I will not leave because how much she meant to me and willing to try to move on from this. It took me long time to bury this issue. It probably took about 5 years. I never brought this up during arguments and fights ever. After 5 years, I thought I moved on. I have not even thought about this for a long, long time. We got married and have 2 wonderful kids. I am happily married and proud that she pick me as her husband. She is a kind, loving lady who I would still marry her.

    About a week ago, I was having a casual conversation with a friend of mine. This really had nothing to do with my wife’s sexual history. Something triggered in my memory that brought the emotions. It brought everything back AFTER 18 YEARS! Some of the vivid details of conversations my wife and I had and how she hurted me so badly. I am dismayed and disappointed in myself that I still feel this way. This blindsided me and unprepared because I thought I was over this. It least I was somewhat prepared after engagement. It was an agony and started to have irrational thoughts such as ” Why did she not save herself me me?”, “I need to cheat on her to make myself feel better”, or ” would I have been better off if I had sexual experiences in the past?” I had to discuss this with my wife. Without it, this was going to end up quite badly. I knew this was going to hurt her deeply and it did. It blindsided her as well. She know there is nothing she can do to fix this but is supporting me go through with this. I know now that I did not come to terms with this even after all these years. It was just suppressed and ready to come out at a smallest trigger. I will need to accept this and move on. I just do not want to lose what my wife and I have built for 20 years. I am thankful that I have a caring wife who loves me so much that she is willing to help me with this even though this will be difficult for both of us.

    For all of you who is dealing with this, make sure you are open with your partners. Share your feelings so that they can understand why and how it make you feel. Without that your relationship or marriages will break apart or worse, your resentment will grow so deeply that you end up having miserable relationships that will only get worse. (Sorry for the long post)

  13. I completely disagree, I know where you come from because my girlfriend did the exact same thing. She had had Intercourse with multiple people at the same time and separately and tried bisexual intercourse in her past but instead of being out right when I asked her, she lied to me several times. her friends, and messages on various online social media contradicted her and revealed many thing in which I believed to be non-existent. It then led me to distrust her. I would have understood if she had told me foremost, but by deceiving me she broke my trust and it made/makes me question her intentions to this very day. If she lied to me once, she could very well lie to me again. I think the best thing to do in any relationship is to be completely honest If they don’t accept you for who you are the they aren’t worth being with, but if you don’t accept yourself or trust the other person enough to reveal who you are, then how are they supposed to? — If the person is really jealous about it then he isn’t the right man and you should continue looking, but if you don’t reveal the “real you” then you will never know if he is the right man.

  14. Speaking_Softly says:

    This is complete BS (sorry about that). What you can do about is to be more selective in choosing your spouse. If she deceived you, well that’s a clear message that should take you back to square one. If, however, you believe “ignorance is bliss” – welcome to fool’s paradise.

  15. greasemonkey83 says:

    The reason I came here was try to get input about what to do about my girlfriend of 2 years. She asked about if I had nay bad dating experiences and so I yes and we talked about bad dates that we had. She told me about how she dated a guy in 50 and she was mid 20′s at the time. But they never had any sexual relations it was short lived when she found out how old he really was she left him. And then another story about her friend form school and they dated for bit then she broke it it off with him and so forth with a few other guys before me.
    We were hanging out at a friend of her’s birthday party and they began to tell about how she and the 50 year old got in trouble for having sex in park, he was also married and she knew about it. And the guy that was just a friend who she briefly dated she in fact a 3 way with this other girl at the party. Then another story about how she was sleeping with a coworker’s husband and the coworker asked her to help figure who he was cheating with.
    When I confronted her about her lies she said they don’t count. I remembered how she said I better never lie to her or she would leave me.
    I think I’m not only jealous but mad at all the lies. I was honest about my sexual past but I had to hear it form her friends no less who laughed at when they realized that she never told me.

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