There’s no way around it—the person you’re dating probably had sex with someone else before he or she had sex with you.
Maybe a lot of people. Maybe in wild, kinky ways that you thought only happened in the most secret clubs in Bangkok. Maybe they lived in Bangkok. In any case, if you want to be involved with this person, it’s your responsibility to get over it.
No one’s going to say that it’s easy to deal with your partner’s sexual past, especially if it’s more colorful than your own. If you’re finding it difficult to get past the jealousy, you’re not alone. The Frisky recently published a piece about a boyfriend who made his girlfriend feel ashamed of her sexual history. The Gloss had a post in which a variety of women explored whether or not they could be with a man who had slept with a prostitute. Though not everyone experiences debilitating rage when they think of a partner’s past, it would be safe to say that jealousy is something that most people have to deal with at one point or another.
The good news is, you can. We may be hard-wired to rid the world of sexual competitors, but it is an impulse that can be controlled and even used to our advantage in relationships. Here are a few things to keep in mind.
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1. The fact that they’re telling you about it at all says something
STDs aside, your partner’s sexual past is really their business. If they’re telling you about it, it’s probably because they care enough about you to be upfront. Remember that. They’re being honest, which gives you license to be honest about your feelings about it. Just try to be aware of when you’re sharing your feelings and when you’re irrationally blaming your partner for hurting you with their past behavior.
2. Experience = better sex
Dating someone who’s had lots of sex could mean they’re better at sex. Consider yourself lucky that someone else got the brunt of their awkward phase.
3. There’s nothing they can do about it now
What would you actually have your partner do about their sexual past? Go back in time and erase it? First of all, changing the past could do irreparable damage to the space/time continuum. Second, it’s impossible. If you need time to deal with it, take it. But make sure you’re not punishing someone for that happened before you met and can’t be undone.
4. They didn’t know you when it happened
Whoever else they had sex with, however many of them there were, IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
5. They may have gotten it out of their system
Just because someone has a promiscuous past doesn’t necessarily mean you have to worry about their insatiable sexual appetite. They may have been sowing their wild oats. And now they’re all “sown” up. You don’t have to worry so much about them leaving you at 45 to go on a motorcycle tour of the nation’s brothels. Or seducing the pool boy, depending.
6. It’s how they treat you now that’s important, right?
Right. If everything else about them works for you, that’s what matters. Of course, if they’re not treating you how you think you deserve to be treated, that might be what you’re really upset about.
7. Their past has made them who they are
That sincere confidence? That may have come in part by having their attractiveness confirmed in the past. It may have also come from getting screwed over and healing. Remember that, if you like this person, it’s every experience they’ve ever had that made them into the person you like.
8. Remember, this is your issue
While your partner should be as sensitive as he can to your insecurities (we’re all human), he shouldn’t be made to feel guilty. Your jealousy is your own responsibility. Maybe you need to take a break and go have sex with a bunch of people. Maybe you just need to talk to a friend. But do something. Don’t just stew.
9. Jealousy can be your friend
Just because you’re jealous doesn’t mean you’re a psycho. Jealousy can be kind of hot. Feeling like someone wants you all to themselves can be a huge turn-on. Go ahead and tell the person you’re dating all about how you feel. Don’t whine, don’t apologize. You want to murder everyone she’s ever had sex with? Own that feeling. Just don’t actually do it.
10. Be the best they ever had
The best sex is not necessarily the kinkiest sex. It’s not necessarily with a “perfect 10.” The best sex is with the person who understands you the best. It’s with the person who is the most turned on by you. Pay attention, stay open, and rock that person’s world. You’ll be amazed at how little the past matters when you’re both having the best sex of your lives.
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Reposted from howaboutwe.com.
—Photo mini true/Flickr
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Vocalyze
I think that applies to a minority, the majority of men understand that their partners history really matter. Its not as if anyone dating doesn’t have a sexual history.
I think that bad feeling about it is justified or at least understandable in a number of situations.
He is trying to find a partner that he can invest in and not worry too much about being cuckolded or her taking his assets after a few years because she is not suited to monogamy.
He experience is vastly greater than his and he is feeling inadequacy.
He is below average size/has ed/premature ejaculation.
Men have the same right to screen out players that women do.
EDIT
the majority of men understand that their partners history DOESN’T really matter.
I believe that if you ask a question, you should be trully prepared for the answer. And most men are not prepared when they ask a woman about her sexual past. They expect to hear what they want to hear.
I have a past, while i was married – my husband and I indulge in the swinger lifestyle. I experimented a lot… made a lot of my fantasies come true. Also, I explored – I always wondered if I was bisexual.. so, I tried women and discovered I wasnt! etc. etc.
But, this is in my past. I tried, value the experience, but is not something I want to do again. And this is where the problem arrives with men, I have told few men about this – because I know, the moment I share this with them – they will feel like they arrived to the candy store. Yes! she will make my 3some fantasy come true! They think, I will now renact those things with them.
I did not experience this reaction with all of them, but it has been 2 out of 3. The first one.. played with the idea, but I knew it was something that he would never dare to do – but he liked to fantasize about. The second one.. I had to have couple of conversations to tell him to stop talking to me about lesbian sex.. that I was not interested, finally, I had to tell him that the next time he mentioned it would be the last time he would see me.
So no.. I dont feel comfortable telling men about my past. I have to lie. Specially at the beginning, if he is unwise enough to ask about it.
My advice to someone who cares about the current partner having a sexual past? You probably need therapy.
I can’t believe that any mature person cares about this. I do admit to being very curious about my wives’ (I’m on marriage 2) and partners’ sexual pasts, but probably out of curiosity (and admittedly a bit of stimulation.) My current wife and I have probably had over a hundred partners each, but we went through the 60s.
This article really has helped me a great deal with something that has torn me apart this past year. About a year into my current relationship, I found out about how many men (my wife) had slept with before we met. I have been very obsessed about this and the jealousy has been profound. Rather than run from the jealousy and anxiety that it has created, I have have leaned into it and learned a great deal about myself. I like number 9, Make Jealousy Your Friend, because I have seen it as an enemy to be conquered and fighting it has made it persist. I love my wife dearly and it isn’t easy thinking about her with other men, a natural reaction, but she wasn’t sitting around waiting for me to come along. To punish her about what happened before me is truly unfair.
I have the same problem you have, I have been married long enough it should not bother me but it does when I get stressed. the worst part that bothers me he was 15 and she was 16 from what she told me he forced himself on her, my wife was the first person I ever had sex with I was 19 going on 20 she was 17. I even cheated on her once before are marriage thought that would help it has not mad her mad when she found out. Before we were married I was looking fro reasons to stay togehter thats when she became pregnant. I still lover but not the way I should what makes thing’s worse she has several health problems which makes are marriage little more tough.
These are all of the usual arguments people bring when it comes to this subject. But none of them ever helped me, or any of my friends, in dealing with this issue. The only thing that ever helped me was a guide I bought over at http://www.SheWasASlut.com — the author was the first I’ve ever seen that gave a complete overview of this subject and gave me the tools to make the right decision.