Annie Scudder takes us from the 1960s to today, when laws against “living in sin” remain on the books in some American states.
On TrèsSugar this week, Mad Men’s Peggy Olson opens the door on a discussion of cohabitation.
“He’s using you for practice,” Peggy Olson’s Catholic mother warns this week on Mad Men. Mrs. Olson isn’t too pleased that her working-girl daughter has decided to “live in sin,” as the elder Olson describes it, with her boyfriend Abe. Modern American women with traditional parents may find the disapproval over moving in together familiar, but compared to the 1960s, society in general has become much more accepting of cohabitation.
Despite her rebellious ways, we still see Peggy adopting some of the habits of a homemaker onMad Men. Dressed in an apron, she makes a ham for Abe, his favorite. She even has a portrait of John F. Kennedy hanging in her home, just like her mom. But back then, couples who lived together weren’t necessarily on their way to marriage. In the 1960s and ’70s the minority of couples who “shacked up” saw it as a progressive statement against marriage and viewed living together an end in itself.
Today, it’s often regarded as a step toward marriage; the higher divorce rate may explain the desire to test things out first. In 2002, the National Survey of Family Growth found that 65 percent of unmarried couples who lived together in fact got married within five years. So as cohabitation becomes mainstream in America, many of those couples still see a trip down the aisle as their path toward happily ever after. They’ll just practice, often with each other, first.
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If you’re going to talk about the history of marriage please remember to mention “heart-balm” scams and how common they were before the laws were repealed.
Regardless of one’s position on living together, perhaps, before or instead of marriage, the fact is
the America has become a cohabitation nation. Years of condemnation and negative research
studies have had no effect on slowing the rate of cohabitation since most couples reject the guiltladen,
fear-mongering attempts to discourage their living arrangement.
Instead, most cohabiters fear a failed marriage even more than the criticism, so opt to live together
despite the odds. Now over 60% of all couples who marry will cohabit first and while the rate of
marriage continues to decline, the rate of cohabitation will skyrocket since 75% of high school
students believe living together is worthwhile and harmless.
Additionally, many of the latest blogs and newspaper stories like this one that is critical of
cohabiting are either using old research, in some cases going back years or the researchers are
being quoted, out of context, to substantiate the reporter’s personal bias. Regardless of the results
from the studies on cohabitation, please show me one couple who falls in love, decides to cohabit
but as a result of a study on the downside of cohabiting, cancel their plans.
Furthermore, if you consider the decades long trend… did you know that getting married increases the possibility of getting divorced to nearly 50%. However, when was the latest time you talked to someone who was planning a wedding but called it off due to the often-quoted, well known 50% failure rate of
marriage?
Like it or not, for many, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie who just got engaged are the new family role model and cohabitation has become a viable institution for over 12 million Americans. Furthermore, if you
base your anti-cohabitation opinion on concerns about children and family stability… here’s an
interesting little known fact. A child born to a cohabiting couple in Sweden is more likely to grow
to adulthood in the same stable home with the same unmarried parents than a child born to a
married couple in America.
Cohabitation does not destabilize marriages or families… people who do not understand
commitment do. The goal needs to be teaching the meaning of commitment and walking down the
aisle does NOT mean commitment. Another recent study found that among newlyweds… the ones
who DID walk down the aisle, 1 in 4 men and 1 in 5 women had an affair within two years of the
wedding. Obviously, for millions of newlyweds, the wedding did not increase their commitment.
The point here is that while many promote marriage as the “gold standard” for what ails American
families, keep in mind that ANYONE of legal age can marry. On the other hand, I think we need to
be putting more of an emphasis on building COMMITTED relationships which is something that
requires lots of hard work and emotional maturity and can happen WITHOUT marriage, as
evidenced by the Swedes.
Yes, let’s keep pushing for changes that range from city initiatives by the clergy to educate couples
before marrying, to changes in tax laws or to elimination of no-fault divorce. At the same time,
let’s work to develop a productive response to the millions of cohabiting couples who are far too
often judged, condemned and ignored by society.
I think we must “re-invent” and raise our expectations of cohabitation, and our attitudes toward
those who decide to live together. There is a commonly held myth that marriage means you will
“live happily ever-after.” However, there is no similar assumption of cohabitation other than “it
won’t last” which helps create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It’s time to take a serious and non-judgmental look at cohabiting couples of all ages and help
them strengthen and sustain their relationship whether they ever plan to marry. Let’s consider
finding a new approach to this reality.
Well, all I can say is *I* will not be cohabiting with anyone unless he puts a ring on it. I’m not going to live with a man and act as his wife unless I am his wife.
I used to go to relationships forum. Pretty often a woman would come on there and ask,” I’ve been shacking up with my bf for 5,10 years, but he won’t marry me?” All I can say is duh, of course he didn’t. You are bedding him and taking care of him already, what does he gain from marriage? Woman thinks cohabitation will lead to marriage, man does not. I knew a guy for 6 months and he proposed to me, and before then he had been living with a woman on and off for 10
Yeah all I can say is, not so much. I’ve known quite a few hetero couples who got married after co-habitating. If someone is in a relationship where both people don’t want the same thing, then it’s time to get out of the relationship. Neither side should be trying to maneuver the other into marriage (or lack there of). And that’s what it sounds like you’re saying…don’t co-habitate because then he’ll never marry you. As if you should be doing whatever you can to make sure he does marry you. Which is just…that’s a pretty dour outlook on relationships.
I’ve known quite a few hetero couples who got married after co-habitating.”
Me,too, but most of the time from what I’ve seen they often don’t.
don’t co-habitate because then he’ll never marry you.”
Which is a lot of the time true, dour or not.
As if you should be doing whatever you can to make sure he does marry you. ”
But if a woman wants to get married, why shouldnt she?
“But if a woman wants to get married, why shouldnt she?”
Presumably it’s more important to find the right person to marry, than to marry anyone. It’s backwards to try to trick/force/whatever the person you are with to marry you. If you’re with someone who isn’t in the same relationship-space as you are, then work it out…talk about it. Maybe he just needs more time. Or maybe he doesn’t want to get married at all. Then the woman needs to break it off and find someone who wants the same things in a relationship as she does.
a good man does not feel entitled to sex from a partner & a good woman would not condition a relationship of fidelity yet expect a man to deny himself any pleasures…. so is it possible for two lovers to be lovers for a lifetime? Given changes in genital health, pregnancy or refusal to take turns in a variety of intimate activities two people can give to one another without “giving in” to “one thing” “all the time” seems to me the critical decision tree of relationships…. John Edwards had a sick/dying spouse not likely interested in much sexual activity of any kind & the Senator/Presidential candidate turned to a photographer & DID NOT PRACTICE BIRTH CONTROL… producing a “bastard” child….at least according to his religious habits he violated….are there women posting here of advanced age who can honestly say they kept their spouses home satisfied in one way or another & the spouse did not turn to a 3rd party?
young people who have no children do not always equate co-habitation with “consumation” and in 13 states when couples contract for items or services with “holding out” declaring to others they are functionally married THEY ARE…. SO the labels of “wife” & “husband” can be repulsive to many couples whether they engage in intimate sexual contact or share living expenses…. as for those of us who are aging, sexual activity is not a routine matter…. people have varying libido & reasons to quit or delay frequent orgasmic attempts… menopausal women are thus infertile & may change again their appetite for male contact WHILE THIS ARTICLE SEEMS TO AVOID THE MILLIONS OF lesbian couples, gay couples, open “marriages” trio, swapping & secretive trysts hidden from spouses
Ooops accidentally sent my comment! Mods please correct!
on and off for 10 years.