Margitte Kristjansson shares some thoughts about her fat body and what it means to be the object of someone’s desire.
I’ve been wanting to write some sort of response to this one Village Voice article about fat admirers, but I keep drawing a blank. So instead of addressing that article in particular, I’d like to share some thoughts with you about my fat body and what it means to be the object of someone’s desire, in the form of a letter.
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Dear Potential Sex Partner,
Hi! My name is Margitte, and I’m fat. I am, of course, more than just a fat chick. And although my identity as ‘fat’ (a label I deliberately claim for political and personal reasons) is a crucial part of my lived experience, I am positive that the things that are most interesting about me exist at the intersections of my (multiple, mutable) identities. You should know that, too.
I don’t particularly care why or how I caught your eye. You might have a thing for blondes, or people with slightly crooked teeth, or people whose laugh sounds like a thousand dishes breaking. Or maybe it’s because you like my body. I certainly wouldn’t blame you; it’s a pretty kick-ass body.
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If, for some reason, my body represents some greater idea for you, or if you think it tells you something about me or my lifestyle or how good I am at oral sex, you may also go fuck yourself.
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If it’s my body that has attracted you to me—if it’s my fat, in particular—you’ll have to understand that I might be suspicious at first. This isn’t because I don’t think anyone could possibly desire a fat body: I’ve had lots and lots of sex, with people of all sizes, and I know that I’m pretty dang desirable. But I also know that sometimes, because women like me are taught to feel certain (negative) ways about their fat bodies, fat women are seen as ‘easy targets’. Some (idiotic, nasty, unfeeling) people believe that, because we feel shame about our bodies, we are more likely to 1) be grateful for their sexual attention and 2) have sex with them. These people are predators. If you are this person, kindly go fuck yourself.
If you are attracted to my fat body because you have a sexual preference for fat bodies, cool. But let’s talk about that for a second.
I’m not really interested in the “story” of why you think you have this preference (one man in the VV article says he likes fat women because they’re like giant boobs, while another said he realized he loved fat girls when he sat down next to one on the bus and got a boner). We all have our sexual preferences, kinks, and fetishes. I think that attempts to identify where they come from are usually rooted in ideas about deviant sexuality as wrong and bad and not okay (and yes, if you are a non-fat person who is attracted to fat people, your sexuality is considered deviant). I think these thought exercises are unproductive and usually end up just demonizing non-normative sexuality further.
But I need to know something, and it’s really important: what does my fat body mean to you?
Fat means different things to different people, but the cultural assumptions about fat people [that we are “lazy, unattractive, lacking self-esteem and willpower, [and are] socially inept and intellectually slow” (Blaine & McElroy, 2002, p. 351)] permeate our existence: and these attitudes are hard to escape. But if you, like me, think these things are totally bunk, then kudos to you! You already have a much more likely chance of me returning your interest.
HOWEVER: if, for some reason, my body represents some greater idea for you, or if you think it tells you something about me or my lifestyle or how good I am at oral sex, you may also go fuck yourself. If you like my body because you think it represents some sort of sexually exciting lack of control, some ravenous sexual hunger, I’d really like you to examine for a second where that idea comes from. Because fat people are seen as lacking self-control (a trait that is deeply valued in this society), and because most people spend the large majority of their lives judiciously attending to their bodies so that they align with said ‘controlled body’, fat bodies can sometimes be fetishized as excessive, uncontrollable. And this can be titillating for some people. (Anecdotal side note: the obsessive body builder that exclusively dates fat people? I think this is sorta what’s going on there). But I don’t want the IDEA of my body as a representation of something (like a ‘lack of control’) to be the reason you are attracted to me. If this is the case: well, you know the drill by now.
I think it’s perfectly legitimate to have a sexual preference for fat bodies. If that’s you, cool. Just don’t assume that my body means any one thing in particular. Don’t assume that my fatness predetermines anything about me, or about a potential relationship with me. DO NOT assume that you are doing me any favors by showing interest in me.
If you can do all this—and for the sake of some potentially hot, sexy funtimes, I hope you can—I won’t make any assumptions about you and your interest in my fat body.
I mean, that’s fair, right?
Sincerely,
Margitte
Photo–LauraLewis23
This post originally appeared at MargitteLeah.com
About Margitte Kristjansson
In another time, Rubens and Titian painted beautiful women, who at the time represented the ideal of the time….perhaps if we weighed them, they would be considered “fat” today….beauty is in the eye of the beholder!
Beware of Feeders !
Feeders?
Ah…is this generally expressed pathologically (i.e. almost force-feeding your partner(s))? Or are there ethical expressions of having a feeding fetish (i.e. enjoying feeding your partner(s) or cooking for your partner(s) but only if they’re actually hungry)? I’d assume the latter is most common?
I’m sure there are pathological types, but mostly this is a lifestyle fetish deal.
Thought so…so no problem then. Nothing to “watch out” for.
There still is something to “watch out” for sometimes, because some feeders will manipulate their partners into eating more than they’re comfortable with. I’ve talked to people who got into some pretty bad situations with feeders. I don’t have any real reason to believe that feeder relationships are more likely to be abusive than other relationships, though.
As Bathy says there may be cause for worry. Just like any other type of person, feeders can be manipulative. And in this case the manipulation could result in the person eating beyond comfort and of course there are the problems associatiated with such weight gain.
Well, it sort of means something, even if it the meaning doesn’t reflect reality. Something about someone else’s body could mean something to me. It could represent something in my mind, and that’s the meaning that I give it to myself. It’s impossible to say that it doesn’t mean what I think it means, because the meaning I give has meaning in and of itself. If it means that to me, then it means that to me.
If the lesson is “don’t make assumptions” or “don’t jump to conclusions about me based on what you see,” then I totally agree. This sounds like the good advice from the bumper sticker: “Don’t believe everything you think.”
I can also see how it’s a little insulting for someone to feel the need to explain WHY he’s attracted to you, as if he has to justify something that is “normally” inexplicable. That sounds like a pretty patronizing thing for someone to do to you. He would never feel the need to explain why he’s attracted to women instead of men, or why he’s attracted to women shaped like Playboy playmates. So, why explain his attraction to you, unless he thinks it’s somehow abnormal?
what does my fat body mean to you?
I find this question appalling. Why should your body mean anything. You are setting up a non win when you become so base in the relationship as to focus solely on the body. Physical attraction is a huge part of a relationship and is necessary but to say “Why does my beauty have meaning” is awful.
I am 6’10″ I love big girls. Not because I think they are easy. not because I think they are this or that. But for the simple fact that I find them beautiful. It’s that simple, there is not some great vacuous depth to it. Most men I know who also like big girls feel the same way.
Just accept that some will find you beautiful. And while there will be the occasional deranged fetishist this does not represent the majority but a very small mentally unhealthy minority.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Well to be fair she seems to be going after specifically the people who do think her fat has some sort of meaning beyond your “its just what I find attractive”.
Its just like anything that can be fetishized. Sometimes its just what they are into. Sometimes they think they are somehow “better” for it.
“Sometimes they think they are somehow “better” for it.”
I’ve noticed this. I’ve seen guys who are attracted to women who pride themselves on being attracted to something other than the typical blonde haired, big-boobed, thin, cheerleader type. As if they’re above other men, smarter for figuring out that if they don’t go for what they think other men want, they’ll score more easily, or doing women some grand favor.
Yeah I’ve seen this on other topics as well. Women that think that attraction to “damaged” guys makes them some sort of humanitarian.
Yeah, I think we should try not to read to much into type preferences, either as the first person holder of the preference, or their partner/potential partner, or a third party observer. Sometimes there are unhealthy or self-defeating individuals, but unless their issues are causing problems in our lives directly, I don’t know what good it is to worry about it.
It comes down to individuals. I’ll admit, it’s a part of the maturation process. For a while in my teens I was fixated on the black girls at my school. Then I was more interested in the Mediterranean/Middle Eastern type. Was any of this rational? No. In my early twenties, I realized that I preferred big women. Then I rediscovered Latinas. Northern Europeans. South Asians – but as I got older, I definitely knew that I cared just as much about what was under the hood, so to speak. Can I carry on a conversation with this person? Similar interests? Lifestyle choices? Could I be happy with a simpatico person who wasn’t up to my physical ideal? (very likely, yes)
I used to look askance at a white friend who tirelessly pursued Asian girls and basically idealized them. But you know what? He’s happily married to an Asian gal and doing what he wants. If he’s happy, great.
Sometimes I’ll run into a fat woman who exudes a certain quality – physical strength, athletic prowess, sultry sexuality, authority, learning, humor, whatever – it’s kind a of a “she has this great quality, and she happens to be fat”, rather than “she’s fat, therefore she’s maternal or loose or vulnerable or whatever”. I think that’s how grown up people look at it.
There is really no way we men can win. Die if you do, die if you dont.
Women dont like to accept that most men are more forgiving to women on looks than the other way round, when it comes to casual sex relationships. I have seen fat women having no problems attracting tall, fit looking guys for sex. Infact it is fat guys who are seen as sexually undesirable by women. Men are attracted to a VARIETY of female body types. The female body is intrinsically attractive to us. Most men realize this late (in their late 20′s) because they are bombarded with images of airbrushed models as teenagers. Its only the teenagers who talk in terms of ‘fapability / rapeability”
But to say that men are, in reality, forgiving to women on looks would put men in a positive light. It has to be rationalized some way by the kind of people who write these articles. And that rationalization is “Men would fuck anything that moves” Like I said..its die if you do, die if you dont.
The lady who wrote this article is pissed off why getting sex is so easy for her.
Here is her thought process…
“I mean, I grew up hearing that I am worthless, and no man will look my way. I was told that every man, no matter what he looks like, wants nothing less than magazine cover material. SO why the hell Am I getting men left and right ? “
Feeders? I never heard that slogan before. I just realized that my twins sisters husband could be labeled a feeder. When they first married all he wanted to do was eat and tempt her to eat, she put on a lot of weight. I personally can’t stand him! There is something about him that troubles me but I can’t put my finger on it. At first appearance he seems like a nice guy, but I can’t shake the feeling that something is not quite right with him and being around him sets off my anger buttons. I try really hard to like him but I end up pissed off after being around him for any long period of time. I dont get it, anyone have any ideas? Now she is on weight watchers and has lost almost all her weight again. I think it is something about control?
Also, my thoughts on this article. If she makes herself available most men will take the offer. It’s like why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free.