Will I listen or endure the pain?
—
Oh, Matt.
You won’t be able to see each other for at least six months, but more likely a year. And you’re not even 100% sure she’s 100% into you
I know—she’s a catch. She’s kind and generous and creative and intelligent and beautiful. And, more importantly, you seem like you’d be compatible. Emotionally, sexually, in what kind of life you want.
What if there aren’t any more like her? Your logic says there must be. But your emotions aren’t letting you accept that.
You’re scared to let her go because that might be a mistake.
Even though it would allow you to move on. Even though it would help you get back to your life. Even though it would bring you peace.
You said you didn’t want any kind of relationship at the moment. You said it would only be a distraction. You said you weren’t prepared to give the time to a relationship and so it would be unfair to you and to her.
And yet … here you are. More distracted than you have been in months.
Because you chose to start speaking to her. And you chose to start getting to know her. And you chose to open yourself up to her.
You could’ve kept emotional distance. You could’ve seen her only as a friend. You could’ve just stopped talking to her.
But you didn’t. And now you’re here. Confused and upset and annoyed with yourself.
Judging yourself. Is that helping by the way? Judging yourself? Is that working for you?
Don’t answer that.
My advice to you is to learn from this.
Learn from the pain you’re putting yourself through. Learn how to keep emotional distance from someone who lives 10,000 miles away and who you won’t be able to see for at least 365 days. Learn, finally, how to actually fucking listen to yourself.
It’s even got to the stage where you’re feeling retroactive jealousy about her past lovers. That’s embarrassing to admit, and to write down, but sometimes the truth is. How can it have possibly got to that stage?
You’re in charge of whether or not this happens again. Completely and totally. 100%.
This isn’t the first time this has happened. This isn’t the first time you’ve felt this pain. This isn’t the first time you’ve constantly judged yourself for being in a situation that you put yourself in.
Will it be the last time?
◊♦◊
Photo: Getty Images
Reminds me a little of this:
http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2011/09/oneitis/all/1/
I can relate…