Congratulations, You’ve Been Friend-Zoned

Premium Membership, The Good Men Project

About Veronica Grace

Veronica Grace is a pragmatic idealist mother to two sons, one who has rudely determined he will become a teenager without her permission and the other who wouldn't notice the world ending as long as he had a book in his hands. She holds equality, honesty and compassion among her highest ideals and has found herself currently obsessed with gender roles and practical minimalism. She is always obsessed with why people do the things they do. You can find her being sassy at http://wearinsassypants.wordpress.com/ and trying to transverse the twitterverse @vsassypants

Comments

  1. I’m also now wildly in love with a guy I actually DID (I admit this) determinedly try to friend-zone (I was married when we met, so it was sort of the only acceptable thing to do). Eventually he forced me to give him a chance just by BEING AROUND when I needed someone to talk to, continuously making clear that he thought I was really fucking awesome and would be happy to sleep with me if I ever fancied it, and then I, in turn, came to realize that HE was totally fucking awesome.

    I’m not married to the other guy any more, and I’m now rather convinced that learning to be okay with the Friend Zone, and get comfortable with rejections, might actually be a great way to get into bed with someone in the long term. It’s really quite intoxicating to be with someone who adores you and is confident enough to keep thinking that he’s worth being adored even when women might seem to think otherwise.

  2. I love this story. Just another testament to show that friend zone is definitely not something that is permanent.

    I can relate to how I’ve overcome that obstacle on more than one occasion and for all those that believe that once they are in friend zone there is no hope. This article and my experience of it shows that it’s possible. Thank you for the article, I really enjoyed it.

    And to end it, The Dude Abides.

  3. I guess my theory is something makes us attracted to the person in the first place – for those of us not working on pure aesthetics, anyway. The unavailability in a romantic manner shouldn’t devalue that, or anything else about them.

    I don’t know anyone who put me or who I put in that ‘zone’ that I didn’t want to know as a person, so being a friend was still getting that. I still appreciate their presence in my life and what they have brought to it. I find it offensive the way that is written off as ‘nice guy gets hurt by bitch’ so often – if you think that way about her because you don’t share a bed – then why should she want to be even your friend anyway?

    It is that style of thinking that adds to the ‘men and women can’t be friends’ dynamic. If our only value to others is the level of sexual connection/appeal then no, we can’t. We can only be friends with those who we are also involved with romantically.

    Nice guys who get offended were obviously looking for something – and since that was their motivation for generosity, once removed they no longer offer that.

    Obviously reverse it all for women too – I’m definitely not seeing this as a male-only issue.

    How about – Congratulations – you’ve been chosen as valuable in some way to this person’s life? Just because it isn’t romantic doesn’t mean you – or they – have no place for you the human being.

    • Friendzone I think is more about being purposely put there, being led on, deceived, strung along with the hints of a relationship so the other gets attention.

  4. FlyingKal says:

    There is a societal expectation on guys/men to be a “fixer”. Some are volounteering, yes, and some are offered (and decline) payment for their services.
    But sometimes you just feel that your are being asked to help out, one time too many, that it is the only time someone ever gets in touch with you, and that you’re never offered anything in return.

    (And by “offered” i don’t mean sex…)

    • FlyingKal

      “”"”There is a societal expectation on guys/men to be a “fixer”. Some are volounteering, yes, and some are offered (and decline) payment for their services.
      But sometimes you just feel that your are being asked to help out, one time too many, that it is the only time someone ever gets in touch with you, and that you’re never offered anything in return.”"”"”
      And women are asked to baby sit,take care of the neighbors cats and water their garden when they travel to far aways lands. …..women are expected to visit the old regularity and often, send Christmas cards to everyone , and have time and patience each time somebody warms to talk and share their trouble and need some emotional support.
      Do you really think men are the only one that help others, and sometimes get used and give more than they are given back?

      Reciprocity is a good thing, but FlyingKal do not live under the illusion that women’s relations are all reciprocal while men are the ones that get used…..and exploited.
      Welcome to life , we all have to take care of ourselves and set borders . Women as well as men get exploited when they can not say “no”. This is life. Unfortunately.

      • this. thank you for saying this.
        I’ve fallen in love with a number of guys who were simply taking advantage of my empathy, willingness to help, and having a naturally nurturing character. They saw it as just friends. I saw it as offering my heart. The pain of this goes both ways, indeed.

  5. Man, it must have been tough going through life mute and paralyzed.

    I mean, that’s why you were unable to approach these guys and ask THEM out, right?

    • She says she emailed the 2nd guy a few times and he didn’t respond. I think most people would take that as an expression of disinterest. No point asking someone out (male or female) if you don’t get a vibe that they are interested or attracted to you.

      • FlyingKal says:

        I emailed him a few times but he didn’t really keep in touch.

        Personally, I think this statement opens a host of interpretations other than he didn’t (ever?) respond.

        • Veronica Grace says:

          He did e-mail me back once or twice, but he would just respond to what I had sent. For instance I once e-mailed him to ask if he knew where to get a Darwin Fish for a car and he responded with links, but no discussion or “Hey how are you doing?” kind of stuff.

          • Ok. Thanks for the clarification, Veronica.

          • Christopher says:

            Well of course he didn’t respond with more. Weren’t you married at the time? Why would he put himself through the pain of small-talk when he could just address the issue at hand and go back to pretending you don’t exist? Out of sight, out of mind.

    • Veronica Grace says:

      I am the one who made all of the first moves with my now husband and others. I am not sure where you get that I was “unable” to ask guys out. I did not ask out guys who were not interested. With my husband I was wrong about his interest. With the other guys I was not wrong and once I was an adult I never pined away silently for my male friends, they knew I was interested.

  6. Jackie Morrison says:

    Once you are friendzoned all it means is that is a person to block and delete and never talk to again

  7. I’m glad you worked your way though that and something good happened in the end. And I’m also glad that the naysaying, “The friend zone doesn’t exist!!!” crowd (that seems to materialize when guys talk about being in the friend zone) isn’t here as well.

Trackbacks

  1. […] Veronica Grace would like to tell you her own experiences with the dreaded "friend-zone". I saw an awesome poetry slam today by Dylan Garity. He talked about The Friend Zone and made me think that he was the guy version of me in high school. You see, there was a guy I wanted. Badly. For years. Badly. Did I mention badly? He wasn’t one of those totally out of reach guys, like the captain of the football team of teen movies. I didn’t want him from afar, I wanted him from up close. He would have claimed that his closest guy friend was his best friend, but I was the one he called when he was sad. I was the one he talked to for hours. He talked to me about his hard family stuff and depression and silly stuff and the girls he wanted. He talked to me about how things went when he dated those girls, or got turned down. We didn’t call it The Friend Zone back then, we called it being “just friends.”  […]

  2. […] Originally posted at The Good Men Project as Congratulations! You’ve Been Friend-Zoned. […]

Speak Your Mind