Marcus Williams has figured it out. Sex is beautiful and communication should be open—except when there’s lust involved.
Tom Matlack’s recent article, “Is Male Lust Turning Us Inside Out”, was a thoughtful piece about male lust and how it … the way men … that it would be great if we could …
Shoot. Beats me what it was about. I mean, I’m sure it was about something, and I really did read the whole thing the first time through, but the ensuing discussion in comments was focused on the first paragraph, in which Tom described a friend as a “wonderful husband,” despite him having dropped the bomb that motherhood had “ruined” his wife’s tits. (It’s possible that wasn’t the only focus, but I stopped trying to keep up around the 150th or so comment.)
To be fair, the husband didn’t just say that his wife’s breasts were ruined—he also told Tom about sneaking porn and going to strip clubs without his wife’s knowledge because “she would freak out if she knew,” and made it sound like his only alternative would be to have an affair with a teenager. As a man, husband, and human, that part of Tom’s description did not sound very wonderful to me, because I don’t think that kind of deception is consistent with a healthy relationship. It’s the deception I have a problem with, not the porn or strip clubs.
The deception aspect of Tom’s friend got a little attention in discussion, but what really depressed me was how quick the women in the thread were to condemn the friend and dispute the “wonderful” part for the crime of no longer finding his wife’s breasts as beautiful as he once had. Over several comments and even across threads on other articles, many commenters echoed the theme that if a man wasn’t prepared to lust after his wife’s breasts—and nobody else’s—forever and ever, then he shouldn’t have married her and he damn well shouldn’t have got her pregnant. Breast fetishes are disgusting anyway and a wonderful husband would know that and transfer his lust to other body parts or, even better, the whole person. Selfish asshole. (I’m paraphrasing.)
I’m onboard with any argument that fading physical beauty is not justification for deceiving one’s spouse, much less cheating on them, but I am dumbfounded by the shock and outrage over a statement that age and/or children had a negative impact on physical beauty. I can’t believe that any of the women criticizing Mr. Wonderful would suggest that his wife’s breasts were just as amazing to look at after motherhood as before, but they seem to be saying he’s a lout for not thinking exactly that, as if there’s a magic switch husbands can toggle to cancel out the effects of gravity and breastfeeding on their visual cortex.
Absent from Tom’s description, but assumed in many of the comments, was any evidence that Mr. Wonderful was so fixated on his breast lust that he no longer found any other part of his wife attractive, physical or otherwise. There was no indication that when the breasts sagged, he ceased wanting or having any physical intimacy with his wife, but several commenters scolded him for not shifting his desires to other parts, implicitly assuming that once a breast man, only a breast man. There was no elaboration of whether Mr. Wonderful’s wife also considered her tits ruined, and perhaps out of self-consciousness, no longer let him enjoy them like he used to. There was a whole lot of missing information, some of which may have made the husband more sympathetic, and some which would confirm everyone’s worst suspicions, but what I found depressing was that among the women, this passing statement about lust from one male friend to another was reflexively judged in the worst possible light.
The subheading to Tom’s piece was, “Tom Matlack wonders what would happen if men were allowed to be open about their lust.” In my recent article, “From Librarian to Eye Candy in 20 Seconds”, and it’s follow-up, I took quite a bit of heat for being open about some lust I barely expressed as a single man, getting criticized for objectifying women and having it suggested I should learn to care about other things besides appearance first—even though I hadn’t done anything. Now I’m on the married side, to a woman I only knew through written words for almost a year before we met in person. We’ve had kids, and I still love her and lust after her, but her body, alas, shows some of the hallmark signs of age and motherhood. I can easily imagine myself saying to a friend, “Motherhood has not helped her tits.” If I go by the reaction to Mr. Wonderful, that would be enough to make me a selfish, disrespectful horndog of a man, even without the secret porn and strip clubs.
The answer to Tom’s wondering about the consequences of men being open about their lust appears to be that it will be characterized as selfish and hurtful, whether you’re single or married, and whether you keep it to yourself or do something with it. Lip service is paid to the importance of open communication and how sexuality is a beautiful thing, but the dominant message in comments is: Don’t! Don’t lust. It’s yucky. It’s shallow. If you have to lust, keep it to yourself. Lust for your wife is almost okay, but it’s not allowed to change, and don’t tell her if it does. Don’t tell your friends if it does. And whatever you do, don’t tell Tom about it, because that dude will tell everybody.
—Photo sh1mmer/Flickr
About Marcus Williams
Dear John,
Thad asked me to pass long the following message to you because his account is unaccountably blocked, apparently because he mentioned “pole-dancing” which some people here find inappropriate or unsafe.
John, yes I do. In humor, great truths are displayed. This happens to be one of them.
Little girls learn very early about beauty and attractiveness and how it’s used to judge women. They don’t learn that from porn.
The Onion is being hyperbolic but its point is essentially valid.
Hi Ana/Thad,
Hopefully Thad is not blocked but had a posting problem. I have both disagreed with him (vehemently) and agreed with him. But, most times I think he has something insightful to say.
If Thad has been blocked for something so minor, that is a big problem. A large part of why I post here is that this is the least moderated space where people of all different leanings can post.
In any event, I wasn’t sure if Thad knew the onion was a joke site. The article is interesting.
I think it is so funny how women don’t just admit that we love to see attractive men and see them naked. We don’t say that to you b/c we know it would destroy our husbands especially if their bodies were “ruined” as many are (I mean, really- how many men go on to take care of themselves in a marriage). Our culture needs to shift to more gender equality- Women have sex on the brain constantly too. How disappointing is it to watch a movie and see a naked woman- but for a man- we see his chest and that’s it.
The real thing to learn here is not “men are men and looking at boobs is in their DNA, deal with it”- The real issue should be- both sexes find qualities and parts attractive on each other-. We look b/c we have eyes- but when you gawk, say something about the part, disrespect a part- then that is just wrong. I do think our culture sends the wrong messages out when more and more research is coming out that says men really do want meaningful relationships and they have a high capacity (if not higher than a woman) to love. It’s very true- Men can look, learn, and love a woman and know right away if she’s the one. If only the “good” men could be heard. They so often have to deal with horrible portrayals of men in our media, dumb jerks and jocks in high school, and frat boys in college. If we could all just be viewed as humans…
I tend to agree with this part of your post, “when you gawk, say something about the part, disrespect a part- then that is just wrong.”
The idea that lust is so important that it requires constant attention and affirmation that it’s a good and positive thing is disturbing to me.
The idea that the titillation one gets from input to one’s visual cortex somehow outweighs the importance of considering your partner’s humanity – their individuality – their feelings. This disturbs me even more.
No, there is no magic switch that men can use to change their ‘loved’ ones’ bodies back to the teenage model they find so easy to lust for. Perhaps an alternative could be at least considered. Perhaps an attempt at focusing on women more as people than sexy body parts or caricatures of sex objects (e.g. ‘sexy’ librarians).
Sigh.
Very nicely said, my dear. We DO, as women, think about sex quite often….I agree with everything you said. “Roger, coy that!”
After scanning through the hundreds of comments (and finally giving up on reading most of them as my eyes crossed and steam began to escape from my skull), I’m left with just a few things to say:
As a child, I was taunted by classmates about my body size. Was I overweight? Hell no. I just didn’t fit in with their “views” of the way things should be. (obviously these views were taught/absorbed at home).
In High School, I was an early bloomer and thought to be a slut because I had massive tits at a very young age. I remained a virgin until right before college. I was also teased about full lips, hips, and all the rest of my curves… everything which made me a “woman” if you will.
Did it make me dress in potato sack clothes though? Hell no.
I learned very quickly that the BEST response to someone taunting you is to ACT AS IF IT DOESN’T PHASE YOU. OWN yourself, own your body, and treat it with respect. Failure to respect and be confident in yourself will absolutely result in anyone else in your life doing so.
I’ve given birth three times. I’m getting older and yes, things are not the way they were when I was 18. But it’s still my body and I live here. I love where I live, treat it well, and don’t hesitate to be confident about it. Perfection shouldn’t be defined by anyone but yourself. Because quite frankly, if you’re waiting for someone else declare you perfect? You’ll be waiting forever, especially if you haven’t done it first. Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman has in her arsenal. USE IT.
Men love breasts b/c they see them EVERYWHERE. I mean you cannot watch a movie, see a show, hell- see an ad that doesn’t use breasts to sell. That’s fine- it doesn’t shake my confidence. What bothers me- I love cock- yep- so how come I and the other women who love male anatomy don’t get to see that in movies, ads, shows???? Perhaps men are better with covering up and letting things be a mystery and unfortunately there will always be a woman who shows everything- I hate that shit-. But it is time to see more male physiques in our culture- and I’m not talking just their rear ends
P.S. many cultures around the world don’t look at breasts in a sexual way- they are looked at as nourishment for offspring. It’s unfortunate how the American culture is. I promise though- if my sons have the right to see female sexuality and nudity and (oftentimes, these two are not presented in a good way), by golly, I’ll be the mom that shows my daughter millions of naked men pictures. If we are going to be like that in our culture, best make if on both sides
If you equality is your aim, I’m sure that many men would have no argument in women baring their chests as often as men bare theirs.
Men’s chests are on display far, far, far more often than women’s in the movies and elsewhere in our society. Hence, women get to see male nude chests way more often than men get to see women’s.
Daddies- ya’ll best be hitting the gym, too b/c ya’lls bodies are “ruined” too. Doesn’t feel good, does it? :/ I hate how our culture has become. People have become so indispensable.