Kenny Bodanis asks: does it make any sense to call something porn if it’s a picture, but erotica when it’s words?
Previously Published on FatherDaddy
There was a lot of playground chuckling at the elementary school yesterday. As the children poured out the side door, there was a twitter of girly chatter in hushed tones, punctuated by knee slaps and honest belly laughs. Youthful exuberance swirled around whispers of bonding among the population. Oh yeah, the kids were there, too.
My wife was lent a copy of E.L. James’ “Fifty Shades of Grey”. The best-selling novel had already made its round of many of the moms at the school who delight in sharing its hidden erotic secrets.
The book is described on Amazon.com in the following terms:
When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms.
Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires.
Erotic, amusing, and deeply moving, the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever.
The book is advertised as the first of a trilogy. It will entertain women, and elementary school moms, for semesters to come.
From the age of about ten (grade 4), I remember peeking at black market copies of Penthouse and Playboy discovered in crannies under the beds of my friends’ older brothers or in shadowy corners of their dads’ closets under a pile of old cardigans. We hid and gawked at naked breasts and pubic hair as spies would at Cold War documents. It was a delightful sin.
As we grew older it became incumbent upon us to cease breaking into closets and trespassing under siblings’ beds, and to begin moving the contraband ourselves. Paper/rock/scissors, double-dares, cash bonuses; one did what was necessary to not be elected to stand in front of the cashier dodging responsibility by insisting this copy of Playboy was ‘for a friend‘.
Print in junior high eventually led to film later on. Earning minimum wage working the late shift at our local video store on Saturday and opening hours on Sunday made it possible to sneak adult movies home at midnight. We all just sat and stared. Nothing more. The dialogue was not worthy of analysis:
“Hello, ma’am. I’ve got your pizza.”
“I didn’t order a pizza.”
“Maybe your husband did?”
“My husband’s not home.”
“Well, what to we do with this hot, steamy pie, then?”
Insert soft disco backbeat here.
The concerns about pornography have become more serious with the advent of the internet. In many cases attraction has lead to addiction; real human affection has been replaced by solitude and virtual realities. Relationships which were unsteady at best are pushed off the plank by waves of easy-access adult entertainment. These circumstances, however, are the exception, not the rule.
Sex therapists and marriage counsellors agree there is a place for adult entertainment and playthings in any healthy relationship. When two adults consent, the emotional risk is low and the benefits can be great.
Many men in healthy relationships – loving fathers, doting husbands, responsible contributors to society, guys who hold seniors’ hands as they cross the street and guide lost children to their parents in the park – also enjoy pornography.
Due to stigmata and prejudice, however, a husband caught with an adult magazine stored behind his fishing pole in the basement is shunned; a father who admits to enjoying adult films is vilified. Yet, several hundred pages of female-centric erotic fiction (the first of a trilogy!) is an instant best seller, and is making the rounds of housewives across America.
If your husband is responsible, loving, and a positive contributor to your relationship and family, and one day you discover February’s Playboy next to a stack of drill bits, relax. He’s still the guy you brought home to your parents. Why didn’t he tell you about it? Because human conditioning has been teaching him since the first grade to keep such things under mattresses. Why did he buy it in the first place? It’s entertainment, a distraction; it provides a little bit of escapism and release – much like Anastasia Steele’s fantasy man in Fifty Shades of Grey.
As for me, last night in bed as my wife fingered past the opening flap of this erotic work, I simply let her know if one day she needs to pretend I’m somebody else for half an hour, I’m right here.
Then I rolled over and went to sleep. I’ll bet Christian Grey would never have done that.
Photo—Young couple reading from Shutterstock
The difference between erotica literature and pornography is the people aspect.. Yes there still is the male and female gaze but pornography requires real live people to do real things in front of a camera. While erotica is only a book. Fifty Shades is a poorly written book (I think the only reason it became popular was because the author said she was a fan of Twilight).
If you are an adult, it shouldn’t matter if something is “porn” or “erotic.” What should matter is if you enjoy the pictures, video, literature, whatever, and whether you are truly exploring your sexuality and if you have a significant other, are allowing them to explore theirs without shame or guilt. I have a vagina and I watch more porn than the men I’ve been with. I don’t care if they watch porn and they love that I do. There is this stereotype that women aren’t as sexual as men or don’t like porn but that isn’t true at all,… Read more »
With THIS kind of point of view, you should be on a speaking tour!! You go!
I heard a wise person say “If it turns women on, it’s erotica. If it turns men on, it’s pornography”
Oy, complex topic! Mentally, men and women are stimulated in different ways… this is obvious to anyone! Men react more to visual stimuli, women require… more(not to say women aren’t visual either, I’m generalizing, as always). I’ve teased women for reading their “romance novels” at work. At the same time, I freely admitted that the scenes are explicit & “hott”, often more explicit than most porn I’ve seen. I haven’t found a great many people who were uncomfortable talking about pornography. I think most people will admit that in an open communication relationship, it can be a healthy addition to… Read more »
I’ve noticed this too, it’s sad. The shame n guilt to hide our habits with porn but erotica n romance novels get glorified? It’s all just material for fantasy. I’ve seen those who tell of older couples having the man look at women younger than he is in porn, yet do they also realize the romance novels n erotica also feature men on the cover having a body type that is very hard to achieve, who are young, fit, handsome, and the fantasy content can make that man extremely rare? Why is it I hear porn called out as bad… Read more »
you know i dont think this is a gendered thing, i think the division is a function of the fact that porn simply carries some burdens and liabilities that erotica does not. Essentially people can find themselves involuntarily exposed to porn, whereas erotica you actually have to invest in reading the thing to become offended. Also porn requires actual people usually paid for real sex acts which invites critics to question consent and balance of power; no such problem with fictional characters and imagined sex acts.
Seems pretty embarrassing that men still need to apologize for our tastes in these matters.
People shouldn’t have to hide their porn from their partner. At the same time, people, women especially, should also be able to explore their “tastes” without getting slut shamed.
I agree with the first part. I have to ask: why women especially?
I have yet to hear of a women being slammed for her erotic reading & viewing. But, I’ve come across HUNDREDS of men who, from their teenage years on, hide their playboys and porn films lest they get shamed adn asked “Aren’t I enough?” or “How could you??”
Thank you for your comments.
While I understand the differentiation between paintings/literature vs Playboy imagery; most of the women I know who have read Shades of Grey would NOT be comfortable with their husbands subscribing to erotic literature for their own enjoyment.
I think this is where the double standard exists.
You know, this is something I had genuinely never thought of. That women’s erotic fiction is perfectly acceptable, no matter what the fantasy, but men’s pornography is controversial and borderline misogyny. The difference being in imagery vs literature. And maybe this is the underlying root of the conundrum: Focusing in on the physical and ignoring the verbal. -The reason men’s sexual attraction is considered unacceptable for being more appearance-dependent, while women’s sexual attraction can be just as superficial, but is more accepted. -The reason people will see a depression as a social problem, but violence as little more than personal… Read more »
I’ve long thought this. The verbal/intellectual ranks higher culturally. Great literature/fiction/pulp fiction/magazines/smut. Nude sculpture/painting/art photos/porn down the line. I know this is true for me-the more complex a form, the more areas of a brain/emotional system it stimulates and challenges, the more I like it. The images, plain and simple (violence or sexual) do less for me without a context. This may be more true for women then men, that context and “story” matter in erotica, but I’d say culturally there are rankings from High to Low Brow. Erotica is usually not considered high brow literature, though. Romance Novels certainly… Read more »