Josie and Eli discuss why female masturbation should not make men feel replaced.
Dear Sexes: I have been happily married for 14 years, have two great kids, and have had a very satisfying sex life. My wife and I had a movie night out recently. Afterward, we decided to stop by a XXX shop to check things out. Well, we bought a small vibrator—we thought it would be fun—and also a fairly large dildo. We experimented with them and it was fun—until now my wife seems to enjoy the dildo a bit more than me! I recently caught her in the shower really getting off and I am starting to feel insecure.
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She Said: Here’s the thing: your flesh-and-blood penis will always be her preference—but with one catch—as long as you don’t make her feel shame for also enjoying the silicone one. Once any sort of embarrassment or shame gets put on her self-pleasure (in any form) then she may start to feel burdened by your hang-ups. Re-frame it in your mind as something like how proud you are of your super-sexy wife that she is confident enough to give herself pleasure. You gotta know, not all women can do that, lots of women feel too self-conscious to really let loose. Especially with a dildo. I bet your wife’s confidence is one of the things you most love about her.
Second, use this opportunity to “bone up” your game (sorry, bad joke!) when you’re together. Remember the things you can do that the dildo cant: kissing, eye-gazing, loving, and engaging sexy words. And remember that the dildo can’t surprise her, but you can! Try something new like a nibble to the inner thigh, a playful slap to the ass (please know before hand—and you should after 14 years—if she likes this), or stopping in the middle of sex to go down on her and make her come, and then resuming your PIV (penis-in-vagina) activities.
Also, try using that shower scenario to role-play. Tell her you wonder if she’ll play a little game with you. Ask her to get in the shower and really get herself going. Tell her that you’re going to come in and spy on her and that she’s supposed to pretend she doesn’t know. Maybe she’ll get really creative and moan your name while you watch her! After you see that, you’ll have some amazing memories to associate that dildo with.
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He Said: Don’t worry about the sex toys. You’re still the sex object (of her affection). You said you and your wife have a very satisfying sex life. As long as that’s still the case, don’t worry about being substituted. Your wife getting off (without you) doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you. Women masturbate too. Maybe guys (or society) talk more openly about male masturbation, but the reality is, women pleasure themselves plenty. You wouldn’t want your wife to think she wasn’t enough for you, just because she caught you rubbing one out in the middle of night, right? The same can be said in reverse.
(Sex) toys can be great. They are machines. As long as their batteries are charged, they can never say no to you. They’re immediate. They don’t need too many instructions. You’re in control of them. And when you’re finished with them, you toss them aside, until you’re ready to play again. You and your wife most likely aren’t so flippant with each other, so sometimes a sex toy is a great supplement. And besides, who doesn’t like toys?!
If you’re still worried about being overshadowed by the sex toys, then get back into bed with your wife, and the toys. See how all of you can have fun together (if you can’t beat them, join them). Maybe, in this setting, you can pick up some pointers or tips on how to adapt or vary your sex game. Be adventurous, but just as important, be observant!
After all that, if you’re still feeling slighted, you can always talk to your wife. She will probably be happy to know you care so much about keeping things magical. Also, this can really never be understated: dialogue is good! In the meantime, sleep easy. Toys are fun, but eventually they get old, and outdated, and they’re tossed aside and forgotten. There are plenty of things machines can’t replace. Keep being human! You (and your wife) will be just fine.
If you have a question for Josie and Eli, ask it here.
Originally appeared at SheSaidHeSaid.
—Photo stevendepolo/Flickr
About She Said He Said
Here is the problem as I see it.
If husband is only getting sex once a week from wife, while wife is getting off on her vibrator 2-3 other times a week, it’s a problem!
If you could get off during sex (oral or intercourse) before, but now can’t after using vibrator, it’s a problem.
Bottom line, if you are in a committed relationship and having more sex with a toy than your partner, you have issues you may not even realize.
You can rationalize it however you want, but that scenario exists a lot. No wonder so many men stray. If I’m only getting it once a week because she is “too tired” or “not in the mood” but still getting off with her vibrator, I’m gone. End of story. Wake up and quit rationalizing