Did I Get Replaced by a Dildo?

Josie and Eli discuss why female masturbation should not make men feel replaced.

Dear Sexes: I have been happily married for 14 years, have two great kids, and have had a very satisfying sex life. My wife and I had a movie night out recently. Afterward, we decided to stop by a XXX shop to check things out. Well, we bought a small vibrator—we thought it would be fun—and also a fairly large dildo. We experimented with them and it was fun—until now my wife seems to enjoy the dildo a bit more than me! I recently caught her in the shower really getting off and I am starting to feel insecure.

♦◊♦

She Said: Here’s the thing: your flesh-and-blood penis will always be her preference—but with one catch—as long as you don’t make her feel shame for also enjoying the silicone one. Once any sort of embarrassment or shame gets put on her self-pleasure (in any form) then she may start to feel burdened by your hang-ups. Re-frame it in your mind as something like how proud you are of your super-sexy wife that she is confident enough to give herself pleasure. You gotta know, not all women can do that, lots of women feel too self-conscious to really let loose. Especially with a dildo. I bet your wife’s confidence is one of the things you most love about her.

Second, use this opportunity to “bone up” your game (sorry, bad joke!) when you’re together. Remember the things you can do that the dildo cant: kissing, eye-gazing, loving, and engaging sexy words. And remember that the dildo can’t surprise her, but you can! Try something new like a nibble to the inner thigh, a playful slap to the ass (please know before hand—and you should after 14 years—if she likes this), or stopping in the middle of sex to go down on her and make her come, and then resuming your PIV (penis-in-vagina) activities.

Also, try using that shower scenario to role-play. Tell her you wonder if she’ll play a little game with you. Ask her to get in the shower and really get herself going. Tell her that you’re going to come in and spy on her and that she’s supposed to pretend she doesn’t know. Maybe she’ll get really creative and moan your name while you watch her! After you see that, you’ll have some amazing memories to associate that dildo with.

♦◊♦

He Said: Don’t worry about the sex toys. You’re still the sex object (of her affection). You said you and your wife have a very satisfying sex life. As long as that’s still the case, don’t worry about being substituted. Your wife getting off (without you) doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you. Women masturbate too. Maybe guys (or society) talk more openly about male masturbation, but the reality is, women pleasure themselves plenty. You wouldn’t want your wife to think she wasn’t enough for you, just because she caught you rubbing one out in the middle of night, right? The same can be said in reverse.

(Sex) toys can be great. They are machines. As long as their batteries are charged, they can never say no to you. They’re immediate. They don’t need too many instructions. You’re in control of them. And when you’re finished with them, you toss them aside, until you’re ready to play again. You and your wife most likely aren’t so flippant with each other, so sometimes a sex toy is a great supplement. And besides, who doesn’t like toys?!

If you’re still worried about being overshadowed by the sex toys, then get back into bed with your wife, and the toys. See how all of you can have fun together (if you can’t beat them, join them). Maybe, in this setting, you can pick up some pointers or tips on how to adapt or vary your sex game. Be adventurous, but just as important, be observant!

After all that, if you’re still feeling slighted, you can always talk to your wife. She will probably be happy to know you care so much about keeping things magical. Also, this can really never be understated: dialogue is good! In the meantime, sleep easy. Toys are fun, but eventually they get old, and outdated, and they’re tossed aside and forgotten. There are plenty of things machines can’t replace. Keep being human! You (and your wife) will be just fine.

If you have a question for Josie and Eli, ask it here.

Originally appeared at SheSaidHeSaid.

—Photo stevendepolo/Flickr

Premium Membership, The Good Men Project

About She Said He Said

Eli and Josie, friends since college, realized how lucky they were to have one another—an honest friend of the opposite sex who tells it like it is. They wanted to share that with the world and so www.shesaidhesaid.me was born.

Comments

  1. I can imagine a guy feeling that way and I think one thing that helps with working on it is to look at why he feels this way (and without ridicule would be nice, considering the URL calls this “Female Masturbation and Fragile Male Ego”, was that the original title?).

    Simply put as men we are taught that when a woman wants sexual pleasure she should come and get it from us and that our sexual prowess is tied to our overall quality as a man and partner (this contrasted with the belief that its no big deal for a guy to jack off even if he has a partner because “men want it all the time” so he falls back to that when she’s not in the mood). So yeah its understandable to feel threatened when we see the partner pull out a toy for a monologue. However…

    1. Can a dildo go down on her leaving BOTH of her hands free to pretty much do whatever she wants?
    2. Can a dildo kiss her in the morning and cook her breakfast?
    3. Can a dildo hug her and listen when she’s had a terrible experience?
    4. Can a dildo be a parent (if there are kids or a plan for kids in the future)?.

    But if all else fails I’m with He Said. Talk it out. Don’t let it fester and become potentially relationship wrecking resentment.

    • The original title on our blog was “Shower Spy” — I don’t think either Eli or I ever referred to the male ego as fragile…. Eli and I would probably both say that the human ego is fragile though, seems to be the nature of egos! ;)

      I totally agree, by the way, about how a true partner can never be replaced.

      • I’d be willing to agree that the human ego is fragile. However its quite acceptable to shut a guy out by accusing him of having a fragile male ego. Ideally it wouldn’t be gendered but it is.

  2. As long as she doesn’t object to him using porn to get off instead of sex with her. That would make them even.

    • Absolutely, masturbation aids are fine. Men have many more visual ones, women have a much greater selection of physical ones.

  3. Kirsten (in MT) says:

    Does the husband nevre masturbate without his wife present? I would be surprised if that was the case. If he does masturbate, does he do this because he likes his hand better than being inside his wife? I’m confused as to where this idea that he’s been replaced comes from.

    Sometimes people- yes! women, too- just want to take care of business without having to negotiate or feel obligated to do something for someone else. Sometimes we just want a little ‘me’ time where we can focus solely on ourselves. This doesn’t mean that we don’t also want ‘us’ time or ‘you’ time at other times.

    And let me just toss this out there- there are some pretty awesome things you can do with a dildo AND a penis that you can’t do with just a dildo or just a penis…

  4. My wife has a 14-inch long purple dildo covered with elongated bumps that have glowing red tips.

    It changes color depending on the the LIBOR fluctuations throughout the week and can predict the future if asked a simple yes or no question.

    The dildo’s name is Petrovsky, and its label indicates it was designed in Moldova in 1513, but actually manufactured in the Republic of Tatarstan in 1993.

    Am I in fear of being replaced…….?

    What do you think?

    • yes if it is that big and that is what she likes good luck! The one thing you could do is learn how to give really good oral sex that thing cannot do that!

  5. Sounds to me like the good lady just found a way to chill out better and relieve stress to improve quality of life. Such accidental discoveries happen all the time.

    If the gent is insecure, it may be because he saw his good lady having pleasures he had not seen her having before. In which case – why was he spying and not ripping his own clothes off to join in the lesson? Learning on the job sure beats textbooks and theory! P^)

    Learning how to bring pleasure to you partner is a never ending lesson, and the gift of selflessly giving you partner pleasure beats roses and chocolates hands down!

  6. The Bad Man says:

    I’m totally okay with this and I fully encourage self-exploration and self-pleasure. Yet, I’m befuddled at the persistent double-standard applied to men.

  7. van Rooinek says:

    he saw his good lady having pleasures he had not seen her having before. In which case – why was he spying and not ripping his own clothes off to join in the lesson?

    I had the same question. Why didn’t you join in, dude? I hope nobody minds me getting graphic… but…. licking the clit and penetrating her with a sex toy at the same time, produces intense double pleasure that the toy alone (or even normal sex) could never do. And she needs your tongue for that. If you’re insecure about the *size* of the toy… best thing i can say is, better she’s with a big toy, than a big lover. And the surest way to prevent her from seeking out a big lover, is to make the toy games with you as fun as possible.

    If joining in just isn’t your cup of tea, at least take pleasure in watching her, and validate her: “I love seeing you have so much fun. Can I watch every time?”. The last thing on earth you should do, is raise the slightest objection or complaint. THAT could possibly bring about the result you fear most: adultery.

    • Wirblewind says:

      “As to “why don’t you join in, dude ?”
      Maybe a visual aid will help. Imagine this: you are entering the house and you hear some humping noises and his groans of approval. You go upstairs, thinking he is cheating on you or something, then you open the door and see your SO pumping the sex doll (or an artificial vagina, whatever).
      You stand in the door, shocked.
      Then you hear:
      “Don’t be so insecure ! Come, join in, let’s have a threesome !”

      • van Rooinek says:

        you are entering the house and you hear some humping noises and his groans of approval. You go upstairs, thinking he is cheating on you or something, .

        “His”? “He”? Wrong gender, dude. You seriously thought I was a woman? LOL!

        It is true, however, that most women would not dig that scenario.

        However, we men are very different. Most sane men would love to catch their wives playing alone and join in. In my case, however, it wouldn’t exactly be a surprise, as she’d probably text me… “Hurry home… I can’t wait… I’ve already started..”

      • I tried to join in but my wife does not want me to! She was using her dildo and could not orgasm with me there so I went to take a shower and when I came back she had her clothes on had already orgasmed and did not want to have intercourse with me no longer. She did give me a blow job though!

  8. He could possibly be in trouble. He didn’t mention if he falls into the “average/normal” size catagory. But if he does, the fact that she gets off with a “fairly large” dildo possibility that he’s not fullifilling her. Of course you can do all the things mentioned and just maybe she’ll keep you. Just remember, never slack off “your game” or your history.

  9. My ex fiance had several dildo’s.
    Never were any concern to me.
    Just saw them as additions to her own ideas of personal pleasure.
    Now I’d probably never use one on a woman(yes I know a limiting perspective), because the only penis I am touching is my own, but I have no issue with her going to town with silicone joe.

    As long as she does not mind my collection of Fleshlights.

    • Wow, not just limiting… selfish. BTW … a dildo is not a penis. It’s a device. Should be pretty obvious as one is attached to a human being and another is made of silicone, rubber, glass, or in the BDSM community, chrome plated stainless steel.

      • I disagree on the selfish part. Now if my statement was that I focused solely on my own pleasure without considering hers, that would be selfish.
        Refusing to handle a representation of a penis during sex is in no way selfish because there are other toys out there that I can use to pleasure her.

  10. Wirbelwind says:

    I see.
    It is wrong to question women on their use of sex toys, ’cause it’s slut shaming and you are just insecure.
    For men it is wrong to use porn, because you are thus supporting the Patriarchy, sexual abuse and whatever else. You are also neglecting your significant other.
    Double standards for the win.

    • Using a human being =/= using an inanimate object.

      • So, why do men get so much hassle about porn? Not only is it not a physical person, it’s doesn’t even involve a physical object. If this is not objectionable, porn certainly is not.

        • Julie Gillis says:

          At the risk of an argument on xmas eve :) Porn does involve physical people, albeit not in the room. Those most certainly are real women and men doing real things. Which is why I’d say most women (some women?) have issue with it. They actually are real human beings, but women fear men don’t think they are anything but objects, when they are real.
          I’d say the true equivalent would be fleshlight to dildo/vibe, porn to porn.
          Personally, I think couples should allow for all those options, discuss them, find things they all can live with.

          • “I’d say the true equivalent would be fleshlight to dildo/vibe, porn to porn.”

            How many men have interest in the fleshlight as compared to porn? Statistically zero. The reason the fleshlight and women’s sex toys is not an equivalent is because very few men have any interest in them, similar to how porn doesn’t do much for many women.

            If she feels that she must have her toys to use on her own, he certainly should be able to have his porn to use on his own.

            • Julie Gillis says:

              I don’t have any real complaint with that per se, only that it seemed to me to be more apples to apples.
              Porn to erotica
              Fleshlight to vibes.
              But either way. People should actually conversate about it, find agreements and enjoy sex.

              What a funny conversation to have on Xmas Eve, Eric!

            • It would be apples if men and women weren’t different. But, we are.

              Statiistically, men have no interest in fleshlights, and women have far less interest in porn. Thus, it’s not apples to apples. Men’s apples would be porn, women’s sex toys/tools, in terms of what they would use on their own.

              But, of course, there should be conversation.

          • “At the risk of an argument on xmas eve Porn does involve physical people, albeit not in the room. Those most certainly are real women and men doing real things.”

            What about written pornography? Or animated pornography? Or hentai?

            • Julie Gillis says:

              That does not involve real people enacting the sexual dynamic. Written and animated porn items are created by an artist/writer. Porn films involve actual physical people. And so long as the actors and performers are there willingly, paid well and kept safe from disease, I really don’t have all that much of an issue with porn.
              I prefer erotica myself but that’s because it can be as fantastical, funny or dirty as you want. Smaller budget :)

        • So Tera patrick isn’t a real person??? Unless it’s manga, there is a real person involved. And men do a whole lot more damage with the porn than women do with dildos. BUT men will always justify what they do, they feel entitled to getting sex in any way shape form they can. It’s just the nature of the beast.

          MODERATOR’S NOTE: This comment was deemed to be threatening, harassing, defamatory, sexist, racist, or contains libelous material and as such in violation of our commenting policy. This is a warning. Further comments that are in violation will be removed. See complete commenting guidelines here.

          • Whenever someone says something along the lines of “men will always justify what they do . . .”, one knows that a closed-minded and biased comment is coming.

            Neither is worse than the other. However, porn only involves pictures on a screen. Men are not physically touched sexually.

  11. There’s a HUGE difference between replacing a partner or liking the masturbation aid better than him/her–and using outside tools to enhance pleasure, experiment, or when a partner is unavailable. If my partner wants to use porn when I’ve gone to bed and he’s horny, when I’m out of town, to break up monotony, or I’m at work, he should absolutely be able to. I’m not going to like it, but it’s perfectly acceptable and natural. If, on other hand, he’s consistently choosing to masturbate instead of have sex with me, denying me sexual pleasure in favor of sitting in front of a computer touching himself, or indicating that he prefers the women on screen to me–that’s not OK, and is grounds for a serious rethinking of the relationship. This also goes if he’s obsessed with or only watches a certain type of porn that I find unacceptable: for example, child/teen porn, rape porn, or zeroing in on something that he knows makes me insecure and upset.

    I think the same goes for women. Vibrators and fantasies are great when we’re not together, to experiment, and to spice things up. They’re by no means a replacement. If I denied my partner sex so that I could masturbate (unless it was in front of him), had a large collection of giant black dildos, or indicated that my fantasies about exes and other men were superior to him–I could see him being very upset. In a perfect world, a couple can share these things and be honest, but sometimes, a don’t ask don’t tell policy is best for all of our fragile egos. It’s not always easy to balance personal pleasure with respect for our partners, but it’s necessary to do our best.

    • “This also goes if he’s obsessed with or only watches a certain type of porn that I find unacceptable: . . or zeroing in on something that he knows makes me insecure and upset.

      Since the letter writer here seems to feel “insecure and upset” by her use of these sex tools, finding her use of them without him to be “objectionable” should not his wife give up the use of her tools?

      • Julie Gillis says:

        I think they should discuss the tools, discuss why the insecurity exists and decide on some reasonable level of compromise. Or they should part ways if such a compromise is impossible.

        • “Or they should part ways if such a compromise is impossible.”

          It’s probably the same insecurity that many women have with porn. So, he may as well keep his porn and she keeps her tools, and they stay together and work through their insecurities.

          • Julie Gillis says:

            Well, yeah. If they can, that’s the best choice.

            • I don’t see why not. It’s unreasonable for either to insist on having things only their way, as regards sex or anything else. This is one of those ridiculous double standards, where men are told that they are wrong to feel insecure about her use of sex toys but also told that they’re wrong to make their wife insecure by viewing porn.

              In the end, it should be neither or both. If the answer is neither, it’s not the end of the world, because they still have each other.

  12. Nothing ever replaces a flesh and blood person when it comes to sex. Even us girls like to have a chance to get a quick one in once in a while and that is most easily done with a toy. I don’t have to think “I should have shaved my legs this afternoon” or “Does my breath smell?” when I use a toy. It’s just about me and reaching climax so I can get on with my day.

  13. Wirbelwind says:

    By the way, did you notice the shaming of the men in general here ? Female-masturbation-and-the-fragile-male-ego ?

    • I asked the same thing earlier and go no answer.

      URLs don’t write themselves out of nowhere meaning that someone had it titled that way at some point and chose to change it.

      Why?

  14. The more I think about this, I think he’s toast. The poor guy is ready, willing, and able . But she perfers the “fairly large” silicone one rather than the”smaller” flesh and blood one. You state there are things he can do that a dildo can’t. Like go to work, bring home a paycheck pay bills an so forth. You say she’ll get tired of her toy. Maybe then she goes looking for another one (maybe even larger) that’s attached to a live person this time. You say he’s being insecure by questioning this. What if the situation was reversed and he spent big money for one of those “love dolls” and perferred it to his wife. Would she be behaving “insecurely” if she got upset?

    • to bobbt:

      You are 100% right.

      And what’s up with the url? fragile male ego? more female projection AGAIN?
      we men don’t get a frigging break even on Christmas Day!!!

    • anonymouswoman says:

      No, she doesn’t ‘prefer’ the dildo. And as for paychecks and work, she can do that herself.

      She Said is 100% correct. Getting off is great, but love is far more valuable (and pleasurable, too). The writer said they’re in a loving marriage and have a great sex life. There is zero chance that a big dildo is going to cause her to leave him for some guy with a bigger unit.

      • “No, she doesn’t ‘prefer’ the dildo.”

        He was home, ready and willing but not chosen or even included. Her preference was evident.

        • anonymouswoman says:

          Did you see the part where HeSaid mentioned rubbing one out with your partner in bed beside you? Does that mean the hand is preferable, or just convenient?

          There is way too much defensiveness and hostility on this site. It’s sad.

          • Go to the porn articles. There’s 100 times more defensiveness and harsh condemnation. Literally.

            • If your partner is present, willing, and able right there in the bed with you, and you choose something else, the evidence shows his/her preference as far as sex is concerned.

            • Julie Gillis says:

              I think there are a lot of reasons women react negatively to modern porn. I say this admitting I have some of those reactions, less to the fact that it is another woman on screen but more in the industrialized meat grinder aspect of porn production.

              Also, there is not a lot of mainstream porn where couples actually smile and look happy. So much sneering!

              I believe, and this is a theory, that woman dislike porn because in porn (as with sex work/dance) the actual “sex toy” is a woman. An actual physical breathing person. This was noted by another commenter in a different thread.

              The women in porn are real people. The men in porn are real people. They are not robots. Or animation. Or words. Or toys. People are not toys. (except in a strongly militaristic corporate culture where anyone will do anything for $$ I suppose we are all toys).

              I’ll posit that many women (not all) witness men’s (not all) enjoyment of porn (pumping on a woman, coming on a woman) and see a disconnect which feels somehow painful to them. Less about the cheating/I should be enough kind of pain, but the ….hey, those are actual people who may or may not have enjoyed themselves, who may or may not be on drugs, and who may or may not be being exploited all so people can wank off.

              As a humanist this is my main issue with porn. That the people on the screen are seen as unreal to be wanked to and discarded without concern for their wellbeing (aids, drugs, pay etc). Animatrons. Also I dislike the sneering. ***

              That you Eric, could apples to apples a toy (non living, non breathing, non sentient, incapable of love, direction, support, conversation) to real life porn actors is confusing to me. I mean, the apples to apples part is how men and women use sex aids. That porn is to vibrators. But people aren’t sex aids are they? Are they? Maybe they are, and if so they should get paid even more for their trouble.

              This is one of those comments where I figure I’ll get a lot of flak for it. I’m not calling for the banning of porn or the shaming of men who use it.
              What I’d like, in a revolutionary way, is for the increased respect and honor of people who go into sex work because they are providing an amazing (potentially artistic) service. A counseling. A thing that could provide connection.

              Tony Comstock’s films are an amazing example of visual erotica. It’s some of the only visual erotica I’ve seen where I felt I had total permission from the players, that I was a piece of the experience and they wanted whoever was watching to really enjoy their story as humans, as lovers, as fuckers.

              All I’m saying is, the people that dance for men, perform sex for pay on film are actual people.

              Out of my ass theory—–Women (some) tend (tend!) to try to integrate sex as a connection vs sex as a singular act. When they do play with sex as a singular act (masturbation) they are more likely to use plastic and silicone as opposed to real people. Men (some) tend (TEND!) to allow or accept a disconnect between real women and women used as sex toys, but are less likely to be satisfied by a plastic toy. Could it be that when women want quick satisfaction they don’t want to “use” a person so they use silicone? And when men want quick satisfaction they still want more “connection” to a person and use images of real people? Hmmmmm! I surprise myself sometimes.

              (That being said, I have a few lady friends totally into porn and several male friends who hate it. Eh.)

              Discuss. I will await the potentially mean and patronizing comments lobbed my way ;)

              ***I like animated porn, erotic literature more than film. I will admit to finding images of people exciting fully aware that they didn’t pose to be wank fodder. All of us, despite what people say, are visual, and like our imaginations fully engaged.

            • Julie Gillis says:

              I also just realized after typing that I bet a lot of people will be like…sneering? I never notice the faces. Which is interesting. Maybe men and women (generally) differ in how they do or do not compartmentalize parts. Generalizing here …… For men, they might enjoy porn that was nothing but pelvises and breasts. A woman might find that totally dehumanizing and prefer to watch a film of faces kissing, hands touching parts, all while the orgasms mount.
              I’d rather see all of it I guess, with smiles and some happy expressions. :)

              So long as people could find ways of making both sets of erotica ethically and not blame each other for watching it? We might be getting somewhere.

            • Actually I notice the faces often in porn. And it seems to me that its not even sneering. To me sneering calls for acknowledgement of the person they are sneering at and in porn people’s faces seem to generic that they border on empty. As if porn makers have concluded that since porn watchers aren’t looking at faces that much why bother with having the porn stars waste time on facial expressions?

            • Julie Gillis says:

              Yeah, why waste footage on faces at all?

            • For the porn watcher the face is meaningless (unless we’re talking facials but that goes into a discussion about dominance, not the hatred/disregard of women that a lot of people associate facials with). Its about the getting off.

            • Julie Gillis says:

              I suspect, but cannot say for certain that women probably prefer to see a combination of the face and body for the getting off. For a man, you see a dick ejaculate, it’s clear there is an orgasm. For women, we enjoy seeing expressions I suspect. Huh. Have to think about this.

            • “more in the industrialized meat grinder aspect of porn production.”

              A large % of porn available on the Internet is produced by the participants.  Lots of it are regular people filming or photo ing themselves or other amateurs not a company. 

              “Also, there is not a lot of mainstream porn where couples actually smile and look happy. So much sneering!”

              Again, lots of it is regular people not actors.  Not that I’m an expert but I don’t personally like it but hate anything that’s manufactured.  So, I know there are lots of it that’s not.

              “I believe, and this is a theory, that woman dislike porn because in porn (as with sex work/dance) the actual “sex toy” is a woman.”

              It’s a picture or video.  Of people who apparently  volunteered to be photoed, who want to be seen.  Also, at least it’s not just a sex part, like only a physical representation of a penis without a body.  Speaking of objectification.  That’s got to be the ultimate.

              “As a humanist this is my main issue with porn. That the people on the screen are seen as unreal”

              No, they are real – at least many of them.  They are at least more than a body part or sex machine.  

              “But people aren’t sex aids are they? Are they? Maybe they are, and if so they should get paid even more for their trouble.”

              I don’t follow your question..

              “Could it be that when women want quick satisfaction they don’t want to “use” a person so they use silicone? And when men want quick satisfaction they still want more “connection” to a person and use images of real people? Hmmmmm! I surprise myself sometimes.”

              It’s not that complicated.  Men really enjoy looking at women. A lot.  That’s all there is to it.

          • R

      • Anonymouswoman, please read the article again. Writer claimed he was present in the house when she decided to “take matters into her own hands” in the shower with the “fairly large” dildo(the way he reffers to it as “fairly large” leads me to believe that he’s not). He was NOT invited to join in this “celebration”. Hey , maybe if he begs her, she’ll let him shove the dildo in and uot . Gee, won’t that be fun for him.

        • Face it, she’s a SIZE QUEEN. Maybe she knew when she married the poor slob, maybe she didn’t. Either awy, there’s nothing he can do about it. ( there is really no way for a guy to “get bigger”). No matter what he tries, eventually, he toast.

        • anonymouswoman says:

          I read it well the first time, thanks. Just read it again, and it says no such thing. You are projecting.

          As for no way to get bigger, google jelqing and stretching. These aren’t new concepts. Women get liposuction and boob jobs to please men… they do kegels and get vaginoplasty… is it really so hard for you to imagine that at least *some* men might at least think about doing something to please women? (Obviously you haven’t thought of this, but that doesn’t mean these practices don’t exist.)

          More to the point, stop reading into the very brief letter in order to vent your spleen about not being well-endowed. Men care about penis size FAR more than women do.

          • Already did. The best results(gathered from truely independant results, not fron some sites “sponsered “from “male enhancement” companies). There is a spanish test of a device that yeilded a maxium increase of almost 1 ” after 6weeks (20% of alltested) Believe me, if anyone ever comes up with a way to make guys bigger, his fortune would drarf Bill Gates and Warren Buffet COMBINED.

        • Julie Gillis says:

          What I don’t understand about both sexes here, is why it’s so hard to understand that every individual has the right to their own sex life. He can (or should be able to) go wank when he wants to wank. So should she. She shouldn’t complain about a fleshlight or porn, he shouldn’t complain about a dildo.
          If either of the are that worried about it, they should talk about all of it. Maybe she can wield the dildo in a way that he cannot (given angles and such), maybe she gets off over a long period of penetration and he comes too fast for that. Not too fast for him per se, but for her orgasm. Maybe she should find out what toys he likes.
          We’ve created a system in which two people are now supposed to never ever ever want anything other than their one partner to totally and completely always every time fulfill them. We know that doesn’t happen for men, why should it happen for women?

          • anonymouswoman says:

            Certainly not because of any such mythological thing as a fragile male ego.

          • Jullie Gillis, you strike me as a fair minded person. So tell me, if in fact she suggested the side trip to the “sex shop”, and if in fact she picked out the “fairly large size dildo”. And if in fact she was “getting off” in the shower with the “fairly large” dildo without offering her husband a chance to join in. What would you sumise from these events?

            • Julie Gillis says:

              I would surmise that she wanted the experience of a bigger penis. If she bought an anal plug I would surmise she wanted the experience of an anal plug. I would also surmise she wanted some personal control over how she experienced those things. As in, she will know the minute the dildo or plug begins to hurt and can stop it. She will know the second the angle of the dildo is wrong and can immediately change it without causing the partner any issue from getting that direction or feedback.

              Maybe, and we don’t know this from the letter, if the husband felt that the experimenting would be a one time thing together. Maybe they had fun but she had ideas she was afraid to share with him and wanted to explore alone.

              Or perhaps she wants to have a selfish 5 minute moment with herself. Much like he might want a moment with himself.

              If he’s watching porn, let’s say, and the women all have bigger breasts or long legs or different color hair/skin, taller, shorter than her, I would surmise he enjoys images of bigger breasts etc etc etc.

              I would ask the man, if I had the opportunity to do so, do you wank off in the shower ever? Do you, if you are up later than your wife, ever masturbate to porn when she is in the house? Do all the images of the porn you watch appear identical to your wife’s face and body?

              If he does, I don’t see what’s harmful about her masturbating, except it perhaps challenges the idea that women don’t like sex. And that the man feels that he is entitled to a personal sex life which might include images quite different than his wife, but she is not.

              I don’t think it is wrong for him to feel insecure, not at all. American western sexuality is fraught with guilt, shame, and very very weird expectations that no one will ever want another person (but also that men are dogs and women don’t like sex), and so forth. So feeling insecure about his wife exploring her own personal sexuality….I can see that. But I think the place that I differ from some of the commenters is that, couldn’t they use this situation as a springboard to discuss ways for both of them to get more pleasure from each other?

              To dig into what they like and dislike?

              Like, if she’s shamed him for porn, she should apologize. She should listen to him while he explains why he likes it. Maybe they both could deal with insecurities.

              Finally, a number of people have noted that it’s happening WHILE HE IS IN THE HOUSE. This seems to be an important point. We don’t know he’s always willing. We don’t know if he’s good in bed period! We don’t know if she’s been very unsatisfied, or if he prefers 2 hour or longer marathon sessions and she sometimes likes just getting off. Or vice versa. None of that info is in the piece. Would he be ok with her masturbation habits if he was out of the house? If he didn’t have to know? DADT?

              What I am picking up on is this idea that there is a disconnect in intimacy (emotional). He’s there, for her. She’s not connecting to him. I think that’s causing the insecurity more than the dick size.

              And again, they should talk about it.

            • I agree with these statements especially:

              “Like, if she’s shamed him for porn, she should apologize. She should listen to him while he explains why he likes it. Maybe they both could deal with insecurities.”

              “They should talk about it.”

              I wonder if many porn hating women, some of which consider it tantamount to cheating would be able to be talked out of their objections to it?

              Perhaps those are the same ones who would never consider using toys. If they are like the wife in the letter, they being outright hypocritical.

            • Julie Gillis says:

              Did the wife in the letter say he couldn’t use porn? There was a lot missing for me there.

            • No. Just pointing out the glaring double standard. There’ve been countless posts here about why partnered men should not view to porn. But, little objection from those same dissenters about partnered women masturbating bt having intercourse using sex toys.

              There is no way to unhypocritocally condemn the former while supporting the latter.

            • Julie Gillis says:

              Well, the only place I can see condemning the former is out of a theoretical place- Do you support using human beings as sex toys. Do you even consider them as human beings, do men feel entitled to wank to images of real women (but that they can compartmentalize into not quite human) etc etc.
              Are the films you watch ethical.
              For me I see a similarity in say….eating meat. I like meat. I like steak and chicken and pork. And I feel intensely grossed out by the corporate industrialized model of meat production. The animals are real. They feel pain and I’m not certain I could say they were placed on this earth for my pleasure.
              That being said, I like eating meat so I do my best to buy free range and organic an CSA produced meat.
              But a lot of people don’t give a shit. They just want the mcnugget right? And they are bought in to a culture where meat is not real, it’s not a cow with nerves and babies etc, its just a product.

              My feelings around porn most consumers of porn see the women and men involved as just products to be used. And that’s mostly my issue with it.
              That and the sneering, covered elsewhere.
              I don’t want to ban porn. I don’t want to stop men and women from enjoying it. I’d enjoy it more and if the frame around porn was more humanist is all.
              I can see why women have a disconnect between porn and toys.
              I’ve posed that point a few times. Eric can you see that point? I don’t care if you disagree, I’m just wondering if you can see the difference I’m discussing.
              Porn is filled with actual people. Toys are not living beings. Women, it seems, find that to be a distinction that men may not see. Women then experience a disconnect that their men can consume something without a thought for the participants involved.
              I don’t know if that’s true for most women, but I suspect it is.
              I think more porn producers creating ethical happy porn (like free range happy chickens) would help women reconnect.
              It still has problems from a “use another person for your own needs” issue just like that chicken is being killed for my pleasure, but it’s a step.

            • “Do you support using human beings as sex toys?” No.

              Do you support sexual objectification of males? That is precisely what phallic sex toys are/do.

              “Are the films you watch ethical.”

              What is ethical is subjective. Regardless, I don’t make it a practice to view porn. However, if I did, it would be regular people who choose to be seen, not actors.

              “My feelings around porn most consumers of porn see the women and men involved as just products to be used.”

              Then be sure to avoid all entertainment because that can be said of virtually all entertainment. The participants are willing to allow that for whatever money or other satisfaction they feel they will get.

              “Do you even consider them as human beings”

              Just as human as movie and TV actors, and the countless others who try to get their 15 minutes of fame on Youtube and elsewhere.

              “do men feel entitled to wank to images of real women (but that they can compartmentalize into not quite human) etc etc.”

              I can’t answer for others, but again, it’s no different than movies, TV, and other videos.

              Regarding meat production, I watched “Food, Inc.” and agree with you on that. However, animals have no choice, most adults involved in the media do.

              “My feelings around porn most consumers of porn see the women and men involved as just products to be used.”
              1) No one can say for sure what other people think.
              2) The same can be said for all entertainment.

              ““Eric can you see that point? I don’t care if you disagree, I’m just wondering if you can see the difference I’m discussing.”

              Yes, I can see it but don’t find it valid. In addition to the above, women seldom enjoy it, and some are even repulsed. So it’s easy to find fault with something you don’t like anyway.

              From reading arguments here, many married/partnered women have expressed not wanting to be compared to women who may be younger and have physical qualities that they lack. They strongly object to their husbands getting sexual enjoyment/satisfaction from someone other than themselves. That is the main argument I have heard.

              I have also heard the complaint of objectification, which I do understand – which is why I find it very hypocritical to promote or defend phallic sex toys, which is IMO the ultimate in objectification. It’s very revealing to me that those who complain of objectification never complain about phallic toy objectification, perhaps because they enjoy that variety of objectification. People often stand firm on principle, except when it affects something they enjoy.

              “Porn is filled with actual people.”

              As are all movies, TV shows, and videos.

              “Toys are not living beings.” No, but they do objectify human beings.

            • Julie Gillis says:

              Eric, believe me when I say I find this fascinating. Toys are objectifying males? I really had never heard anyone say this before. Not men, not women of either gay or straight variety.

              Will you tell me why a phallic object is the ultimate in objectification to you? I’m serious, I really want to know. Not arguing.

            • ‘Toys are objectifying males?”

              Do you understand the term “objectifying” It means to reduce a human to an object essentially.

              “Will you tell me why a phallic object is the ultimate in objectification to you?”

              A phallic sex toy reduces males to nothing more than a penis, nothing more. Not even an human body. Objectification is a major objection of feminists (accusing men of it frequently) except when they like it.

              I am not arguing for or against. Just pointing out the glaring inconsistency.

            • Julie Gillis says:

              Mostly they should talk. She may hold a view that since porn involves real people it’s harder for her to deal with. If he could find porn that was somehow proveable to be ethical etc and less exploitative (like organic chicken!) maybe she’d find a way “in” to understanding his desires. I mean, I still have a hard time seeing them as apples to apples (though I understand your point, I do).

            • This thread has devolved into a whole new direction. Everyone is saying this guy is “spanking the monkey” to porn. This is not mentioned anywhere in this article. What IS mentioned is that he thought his sex life was “great”. Maybe the Wife didn’t think so (It’s not like it would be the first time in the history of the world that happened!). Either way, people usually go to the “sex shop” when they feel they need to “spice things up”. Look, if he’s not doing it right and not”pushing the right buttons”, they can work on it. If however, she needs”bigger” to get off, other than manually working the “fairly large” toy in and out, there’s not much else he can do. Hey, maybe if he does a good enough job of it, she’ll give him “sloppy seconds”!

            • Actually ,if she’s into “fairly large”, she might like watching porn (they have lots of “fairly large” guys there0.

            • Just as he might object to a toy that is larger than him or one that vibrates, since he can’t, and since they objectify the male sex organ to the most extreme degree and are used to physically have intercourse with his wife.

              He may feel that if she can decide whether he views porn or not, or gets to define what he can or cannot view, certainly he should be able to dictate whether she uses toys or not, and if so, which ones she’s permitted to use. Like one that is significantly smaller than him and does not vibrate, used only in his presence.

            • Julie Gillis says:

              “Just as he might object to a toy that is larger than him or one that vibrates, since he can’t, and since they objectify the male sex organ to the most extreme degree and are used to physically have intercourse with his wife. ” Who objectifies the male sex organ? Porn? Or women? Do you mean the dildo is having intercourse with his wife? The dildo is a static non conscious piece of silicone. She’s having intercourse with herself.

              “He may feel that if she can decide whether he views porn or not, or gets to define what he can or cannot view, certainly he should be able to dictate whether she uses toys or not, and if so, which ones she’s permitted to use. Like one that is significantly smaller than him and does not vibrate, used only in his presence.”

              That would be a funny negotiation of insecurities. “You can have the small dildo” “You can watch the small tittied porn” “The dildo needs to be pink, like a girl!” “The women need to be shorter than me!”

              At a certain point, I think they’d be so turned off by toys, porn and each other they’d want to jump in a lake.

              Do you believe a couple can have a conversation where they hear each others insecurities, respect them and find ways to honor them while pushing each other just a little bit? To be, as Dan Savage says, Good, Giving and Game with each other to try to expand the actual security both feel?

              The penis size thing is interesting to me. The vagina, for the most part, can accept really big things. Dildos, fists, and yes, babies. I mean a baby can fit through there, is there ever a cock big enough? Perhaps this is the nightmare insecurity yeah?

              And for many women (not all of course), the penis in and out business is nice but isn’t want usually causes orgasm. Depending on a woman’s anatomy, a smaller penis might provide MORE stimulation than a larger one. Or a wider one might provide the “kick” she needs rather than a narrow one.

              Or she might like a variety of sensations. Just as he might. Maybe he prefers oral. My ultimate point is, that both people need to get over themselves a little and actually talk. And listen. And unpack some of their baggage so they both can have better sex.

            • “Just as he might object to a toy that is larger than him or one that vibrates, since he can’t, and since they objectify the male sex organ to the most extreme degree and are used to physically have intercourse with his wife. ”

              “Who objectifies the male sex organ?”

              Phallic shaped sex toys.

              “ Do you mean the dildo is having intercourse with his wife? The dildo is a static non conscious piece of silicone. She’s having intercourse with herself”

              – using a penis object.

              That is a huge difference. With porn, he is not having sex with a virtual woman.

              “At a certain point, I think they’d be so turned off by toys, porn and each other they’d want to jump in a lake.”
              So, they can either compromise or just focus instead on each other.

              “Do you believe a couple can have a conversation where they hear each others insecurities, respect them and find ways to honor them while pushing each other just a little bit?”

              Sure.

              “The penis size thing is interesting to me. . . .Perhaps this is the nightmare insecurity yeah?”

              I’ve noticed a lot of women who object to their husbands, for example, expressing a preference for larger or perkier breasts – in a recent article. So, why is that objectionable but her wanting a larger penis should not be?

              “And for many women (not all of course), the penis in and out business is nice but isn’t want usually causes orgasm. Depending on a woman’s anatomy, a smaller penis might provide MORE stimulation than a larger one. Or a wider one might provide the “kick” she needs rather than a narrow one.”

              Either way, it’s a different one than the one attached to her husband. Are most wives/partners okay with that?

              “both people need to get over themselves a little and actually talk. And listen. And unpack some of their baggage so they both can have better sex.”

              I don’t disagree. Also, they should focus primarily on their partner’s pleasure not their own.

            • Julie Gillis says:

              “Using a penis object. ”

              That has no ability to live in the real world. He’s literally jealous of an inanimate object.

              With porn, as I stated, he may not be actually having sex with a real woman, but a real woman is involved.

              “So, why is that objectionable but her wanting a larger penis should not be?”

              It isn’t objectionable to me that a man would like a variety of breast sizes. I don’t think people should take variety so personally.

            • “That has no ability to live in the real world. He’s literally jealous of an inanimate object.”

              The sexual penetration is real. The orgasms it gives her are real.

              “With porn, as I stated, he may not be actually having sex with a real woman, but a real woman is involved.’

              No more real than any video or movie. Do you consider TV to be “real?” If a man likes to look at a newscaster, should his wife/partner consider that just as real as a coworker?

              “It isn’t objectionable to me that a man would like a variety of breast sizes. I don’t think people should take variety so personally.”

              Then, let him view the variety he wants, if she gets the variety she wants. Men don’t object nearly as much as women do but there are no fewer reasons to object. All I’m saying.

            • Julie Gillis says:

              And that’s all I’m saying too, Eric. How can you not see that? When it comes to letting people have their variety and communicate about it in a marriage I am your side here.

              I think the penetration part is what’s getting me here Eric, if she puts her own fingers in her vagina is that somehow replacing him? If she uses a cuke? What if she uses the vibe? Is that somehow more or less acceptable? If he uses his hand to masturbate is that replacing her? I don’t think so.

              I think that’s masturbation and humans of all stripes have done it since time began. Hell, there are ultrasounds of babies in the womb doing it.

              People like masturbating. People like sex. I think he’s all het up over very little. Likely she’s been masturbating without toys for the entirety of their marriage and I bet he has too. We have no info on their porn usage, so my bottom line for them is fair’s fair, talk about it and relax a little.

            • “And that’s all I’m saying too, Eric. How can you not see that?”

              Julie, so you and I are cool. We often disagree but in an agreeable way. I think the difference is that you have written extensively about why porn is objectionable whereas toys are not. My point is that neither is any more objectively objectionable than the other, considering that people who choose to have themselves photo’d or video’d are making a personal choice.

              “I think the penetration part is what’s getting me here Eric, if she puts her own fingers in her vagina is that somehow replacing him? If she uses a cuke? What if she uses the vibe? Is that somehow more or less acceptable? If he uses his hand to masturbate is that replacing her? I don’t think so.”

              A phallic toy is simulating her being penetrated by someone else. If she wanted to be penetrated only by him, she could do that, right? The same is true of him using his imagination vs a picture of video. If he only wanted to see her, he could do that – unless their respective partners are unwilling to do something they want, done the way the want. If that’s the case, they need to talk. If they are not capable, that’s also where they need to talk, albeit that’s a harder conversation.

              Her: “Honey, you’re too little down there. So, I need this.” Or, him: “honey, you’ve gotten too fat and your boobs have sagged, so I need to see someone that looks like this.”

              “People like masturbating. People like sex. I think he’s all het up over very little. Likely she’s been masturbating without toys for the entirety of their marriage and I bet he has too.”

              So, they could continue if they chose, but some want more. Fine. But it should be fair. It shouldn’t be her getting her way only (toys) while condemning and forbidding him (porn) from having his too, or vice-versa (for that matter).

            • Julie Gillis says:

              “So, they could continue if they chose, but some want more. Fine. But it should be fair. It shouldn’t be her getting her way only (toys) while condemning and forbidding him (porn) from having his too, or vice-versa (for that matter).”

              Both/and. In agreement with you. What’s funny for me is the dildo is my least favorite sex toy ever.

          • Julie, again, if men liked toys they’d be buying them. She’d be finding them stashed all over the place. Very few heterosexual men have any interest whatsoever. Your suggestion is not invalid, though. So, that’s no solution. She may truly want a different sexual experience than he’s capable of. And he might want a different sexual/visual experience than he’s capable of. That’s kind of a tough thing to face and a dilemma.

            They should each be willing to allow the other to have what they want, or both be willing to sacrifice for their partner’s comfort and security. They would still have each other.

            • Fixing typos:

              So, that’s no solution. Your suggestion is not invalid, though. She may truly want a different sexual experience than she’s capable of.

            • Really fixing typos:

              So, that’s no solution. Your suggestion is not invalid, though. She may truly want a different sexual experience than he’s capable of. And he may want a different visual / sexual experience than she’s capable of.

            • Julie Gillis says:

              Oh I’m not in disagreement with you Eric. I think that it’s pretty common for people to want different sexual experiences than their partner is capable of. And the choice point is either discuss and allow within the limits each set, or sacrifice that novelty for the security complete monogamy (even foregoing those masturbation moments).

              Some men do buy sex toys. I have a friend who works for Fleshlights and I’m going to (for my own curiosity not to score points here;) see what I can find out about their stats. It would be pretty interesting to see the breakdown of who is purchasing what. I know anal plugs (sorry Eric) are a pretty popular purchase (and I suppose it might be more gay men than straight). I do know a lot of straight men who have tried them. I am aware however, I have outlier friends. Still, some research is in order.

              It would be the idea, I think in my fantasy world, for the couple to have a box or chest where they could keep their toys, erotica, films, lubes etc for either to use, or for both. Seems like any couple focused on a long term partnership would be able to talk about pleasure, mutual or otherwise.

            • Oh and speaking of sex toys I believe that the shame/demonization/etc.. around male masturbation exists around toys too. From my own experience and observation it goes like this.

              1. Woman buying a dildo is just someone that’s being sexually free (I know there’s more than that to it now but bear in mind I didn’t grow up as a girl/woman).

              2. Man buying a Fleshlight/pocketpussy is (again) a loser that is terrible at finding women to have sex with, a horndog that wants it so much he has to fuck toys to get off, etc… But personally I think Fleshlights are overrated….

              When it comes to sexual satisfaction male sexuality is pretty much limited to having sex with wome and that’s it. Anything else is cause for shame, ridicule, harassment, and anything else. Which also contributes to homophobia against gay men and the erasure of bisexual men.

            • Julie Gillis says:

              Those are excellent points. I suppose I knew that? But I guess I’m around so many gay/queer/alternative folks that I don’t really believe it. But I do believe you. Thanks for sharing that info with me.

            • Julie, the market is all the research you need.  Do a search on and count the number of individual product choices for hetero men vs women at at several sites.  I would wager it’s 50 or 100 to 1 or greater.  Product choice is a reflection of market interest.

              Also, if men had as much interest in toys as porn, I suspect that women would have similar objections.  

            • Julie Gillis says:

              And as such, that’s too bad, in my opinion.

          • We’ve created a system in which two people are now supposed to never ever ever want anything other than their one partner to totally and completely always every time fulfill them. We know that doesn’t happen for men, why should it happen for women?
            Considering how badly men are demonized over the fact that a lot of us don’t live to that standard it does’t surprise me one bit that women are treated the same for also not living up to it.

            • Julie Gillis says:

              Do you mean men are demonized about sexuality ability? Or are you speaking of general marital dissatisfaction? I’d say both sides of the equation have found many opportunities to demonize or hurt each other. Marrying up for money, leaving a man feeling bereft. Marrying down for age and perky bodies, leaving a woman feeling worthless.
              I’m not speaking of marital dissatisfaction, I’m speaking of men and women having the right to their own masturbation habits. Like, I’m saying men have the right to their own private sexy time with themselves even within a marriage. With visuals even. Shouldn’t that be a good thing? I’m confused at your comment, would you clarify?

            • When you said:
              We’ve created a system in which two people are now supposed to never ever ever want anything other than their one partner to totally and completely always every time fulfill them. We know that doesn’t happen for men, why should it happen for women?
              I took that to mean you were saying that we know that men don’t abide by the system of only ever wanting anyone other than their one partner to completely always everytime fullfill them. I was saying that despite knowing men don’t abide by that system male sexuality is attacked regularly (all men are dogs, men only think with their dicks, etc….) and based on that it doesn’t surprise me that female sexuality is attacked as well.

              Like, I’m saying men have the right to their own private sexy time with themselves even within a marriage. With visuals even.
              I’m questioning if men really have such “rights”. Sex is a gendered things as in men are supposed to want it all the time but when we express a frequency that gets anywhere near “all the time” we’re told we’re “thinking with out dicks”, we’re called “dogs”, etc…. But if we don’t express it frequently enough our manhood is questioned (I’ll cover that below in a bit). In short a double bind. (Now you could be saying that men should have such freedom and with that I’ll agree, and for women too. I just don’t think, as it stands now, men really enjoy such “rights”.

              I was trying to say that given that both men and women are both currently trapped in double binds over sex it doesn’t surprise me women are harassed/attacked/stigmatized/etc… over masturbation as well.

              Now about the questioning of manhood and masturbation. Now that I’ve started to actually think a bit more deeply on manhood I’m now questioning just how okay people are with male masturbation and talk of male masturbation. Notice that the talk of it is mostly in terms of men masturbating because “they just want it all the time so bady”, “he masturbates because he’s such a loser that he can’t find a woman to have sex with”, “lol he’s whacking off”, etc… Usually its something to laugh about, demonize sexual desire (which if you get down to it isn’t too far from slut shaming), or shame over lack of sexual success with women. Bearing that in mind it seems like people really aren’t okay with the idea of male masturbation. It sounds more like they are writing it off as a joke, something to be ashamed of, or proof of lack of control. I did a post on this a while back at my blog called (I may be mistaken and I can’t pull it up at work) “Are people really okay with male masturbation?”.
              A common analogy to women along this line is the claim that women are allowed to cry. Are women “allowed” to do that or it is demanded of them as verification of women being weak creatures (to the point that women who don’t cry on a regular basis have thier womanhood questioned)?

            • Julie Gillis says:

              Thank you for answering, Danny. That helps clarify.
              As for them being rights. No, I suppose they are not rights with a capitol R. Not protected rights. We should each have such freedoms, that’s a better way of putting it.
              You should have the freedom to express and experience pleasure with yourself as you wish (within legal limits). Masturbation (in my opinion) isn’t something a loser does, or a dog, it’s something people do, all of us (well, unless we don’t like it or are asexual or have committed not to do it).

              I think you are right on with your idea that demonizing male masturbation is like slut shaming.

              Interesting about women and crying. We are allowed, but yes I’ve seen women demonized who weren’t “emotional.” We are expected to be more emotional in that way. It’s partly cultural and I do think there are some biological/hormonal bases in place. I have a friend who transitioned from female to male. With T the sex drive increased exponentially, as did the aggression and the ability to cry literally dried up. He was shocked at the power of hormones. I’ve experienced similar stories from M to F transwomen. Crying at nothing!

              We create cultural stories to justify some physical traits. And when a woman or man, for whatever reason, step outside the confines of the story, we demonize them.

  15. Julie:
    I suspect, but cannot say for certain that women probably prefer to see a combination of the face and body for the getting off. For a man, you see a dick ejaculate, it’s clear there is an orgasm. For women, we enjoy seeing expressions I suspect. Huh. Have to think about this.
    Actually ejaculation doesn’t neccesarily equal orgasm but the the belief that they are is so damned ingrained that a lot of people (even guys themselves) are just discovering the difference.

    But I think you do have a point about the difference on getting off. When women in porn orgasm there’s usually a pan out so that you can see and hear her. For men its usually a closeup of the ejaculation and you hear some groaning.

    I dare say that the ejaculation/orgasm/pleasure assiciation with men has persisted so long at least partly due to the fact that ejaculation is an immediately noticeable and ready indicator. Zoom in on the glans of a penis and mute the sound and you still have immediate evidence. Zoom in on the clitoris and mute the sound….

    • Julie Gillis says:

      Right, why women can “fake” orgasm when they need/want to. And, in a porn flick is the truth of a woman’s orgasm important? Probably not. Not unless its lesbian porn and even then I bet the actors fake it for Kabuki stylized effect.

      • When it comes to the faking even said woman is faking there is still a need or a sign of “okay she got off”. Because even though it may be fake there still needs to be something that shows that the guy is “doing his job” by bringing her to orgasm.

        And I get the feeling that if it wasn’t for semen being an immediate indicator you’d see guys in porn doing similar faking.

  16. Julie:
    Well, the only place I can see condemning the former is out of a theoretical place- Do you support using human beings as sex toys. Do you even consider them as human beings, do men feel entitled to wank to images of real women (but that they can compartmentalize into not quite human) etc etc.
    Are the films you watch ethical.

    That’s not condemnation, that’s questioning the ethics of porn which I have no problem with. Condemnation is declaring that the mere existence of porn harms women, that any men that watch it harbor an ill will towards women, and/or men liking the way women look in porn is confirmation that women outside of porn (sometimes called real women) just aren’t good enough. Earlier this year there were several posts about porn around here and those things came up pretty often. That’s a problem.

    Porn is filled with actual people. Toys are not living beings. Women, it seems, find that to be a distinction that men may not see. Women then experience a disconnect that their men can consume something without a thought for the participants involved.
    Actually I think that men do see that distinction and that distinction may be why a lot of men prefer watching people have sex versus using toys (and recall what I said about men and sex toys above). And the rationale behind that distinction is not always the sinister “he gets off on degrading women therefore his outlook on the entire female gender is suspect” thought that a lot of people like to reach for.

    It still has problems from a “use another person for your own needs” issue just like that chicken is being killed for my pleasure, but it’s a step.
    I wonder if the “use another person for your own needs” is an issue with porn simply because sex is involved (and I also wonder if some of that concern is for “using another person…” or “using a woman….”). Under the presumption that the porn in question is being done under the condition that its consensual and all parties involved are safe I don’t see the “use another person for you own needs” issue being a problem. Now of course there’s porn out there that doesn’t operate under this condition and that is certainly a problem. However when talking about porn its almost like people are pushing the idea that porn that is safe and consensual either doesn’t exist or is rare gem.

  17. Julie:
    Eric, believe me when I say I find this fascinating. Toys are objectifying males? I really had never heard anyone say this before. Not men, not women of either gay or straight variety.

    Surely you’ve heard of women saying that vibrating pussies, dolls, and other sex toys are objectifying women on the grounds that they redue women to recepticles for men to do their business in (and I really think they mean it that way in order to stimulate people into conjuring the idea of going to the bathroom)? Perhaps not but I have. Well if by that logic reducing a woman to a hole is objectifying then reducing a man to a pole is objectifying as well right?

  18. How about women give up dildos when men give up porn (as if that will ever happen)??? Men have a plethora of female substitutes, so why do they get mad when women get something that is remotely a male substitute???

    I think we should be honest with ourselves. Sometimes the porn/dildo/or whatever IS MORE FUN than being with a flesh and blood partner because there is so much more fantasy involved.

    • Alice,

      I agree that the double standard needs to go.  That is the point that I have made here repeatedly.

      If men can view porn, women can use toys – and if women can use toys, men can view porn.  Either both or neither should be permitted. 

      It shouldn’t be that me are demonized for porn while women are supported and congratulated for their use of toys – OR vice-versa.

  19. So if you’re girlfriend stops having sex with you and just uses her vibrator that is fine because a guy might jerk off every couple of weeks? Maybe I misread the article but I would get the hell out and find a girl who actually wanted a living, breathing, partner.

  20. i made the mistake of buying my wife a vibrator in 1987 this is 2012 and that vibrator gets more sex than i do by a very large margini get more excuses why she dont want sex with than a dictionary has words she say cant you wait till the weekend i will gine you some the weekend never comes but she will be vibrating the hell out the clit and by some fluke i do get the chance to get some after months of jumping through hoops like a circus clown i hear hury up jump on i will give a quicki and im not small or too big and know how to lick it to orgasm and if i have not been replaced by a vibator then what the hell would you call it

    • Eric M. says:

      Yet, they are glorified in articles here and elsewhere, whereas men who similarly enjoy porn are scorned and castigated. Again, if the roles were reversed and men enjoyed toys while women enjoyed porn, the criticism would be just the opposite as it is.

      • Dude, men do enjoy toys and women do enjoy porn. And there are plenty of articles shaming women for enjoying toys and telling men that porn is all good.

        • Eric M. says:

          There are a dozen or so articles right here that shame boys and men for porn, just as this one does, but none (zero, zilch, zip) that “shame women for enjoying toys.”

          • Well this is a men’s magazine, so articles just about women and sex toys would be outside the mission of the magazine. However, you can see all sorts of articles that shame women for enjoying sex at all. Heck, our culture is very anti-women-enjoying-sex. So no, not about toys specifically…but rather about sex in general.

            • Eric M. says:

              “articles just about women and sex toys would be outside the mission of the magazine.”

              That’s obviously not true; in fact since THIS very article IS about “women and sex toys.” No need to even search.

              Articles on “women and sex toys” are obviously not “outside the mission of the magazine.” Evidence is this article, another called, “Is Her Vibrator Sending You Bad Vibes?”, and another called, “Am I Not Enough for Her?”, all of which attempt to shame men for not being positive about women’s use and enjoyment of sex toys.

              Then, there was a series of four articles exclusively about women’s sexuality and enjoying sex toy use called, “Searching for a Unified Theory of Orgasm.” There is a large body of evidence that articles on women’s sexuality and sex toy use are part of the mission of this magazine.

              Feel free to review those (or any other) articles and find a single instance where women were shamed. I can certainly find dozens where men have been shamed.

        • Oh there are men that enjoy sex toys but there is a stigma attached to men using sex toys that is not quite the same as that attached to women using sex toys.

          http://dannyscorneroftheuniverse.blogspot.com/2009/12/men-and-sex-toys-revisited.html

          • Eric M. says:

            True. But, if you’ve ever browsed an online store (as well all have), there are at a minimum, 50-100 models for women to 1 for heterosexual men (i.e. fopr penile sex). That is an indication of the sales figures women vs. men. An additional indication is that most of them stack rank their top sellers. In those rankings, toys for hetero men seldom if ever appear anywhere near the top.

          • Yeah I’m well aware. It goes back to the idiotic association of anal penetration and homosexuality, and the stigma associated with homosexuality. And on top of that the idea that being penetrated is feminine, and thus by being penetrated a man is losing his masculinity.

            • What you say here only covers stigma of sex in regard to homosexuality. But its a lot more than that Heather.

              As I say in the post even if a guy is straight and using a Fleshlight there is stigma of, “He’s a loser that can’t find a woman to have sex with so he’s using a toy.”

              The guy using a dildo will have his manhood challenged via homophobia. The guy using the pocket pussy will have his manhood challenged via virgin shaming (not that he has to be a virgin to be shamed this way but that the overall implication is that he can’t find a woman to have sex with, which is how virgins are often shamed).

            • Yeah, that too…but that’s not male-only. Women who use sex toys have a similar problem of being presumed to be “too horny” and then the exact opposite assumption that they must be “slutty.” But so that aspect of it cuts both ways. The homophobic aspect is something that I think only affects men.

            • Women who use sex toys have a similar problem of being presumed to be “too horny”….
              But I don’t think the “too horny” you speak of, while true, is quite the same. Mind you I’m not a woman but it seems the “too horny” shaming you speak of with women and sex toys is more of a “she’s so horny that she can’t get enough dick”. On the other hand that guy with the sex toy is shamed because “he can’t find ANY pussy”.

              And also bear mind that my goal in that post was to talk about how men are shamed over sex toys, not over which ways are worse or if there is an equivalent shaming of women.

            • Ah that’s a difference in what we’re talking about. I’m not referring to your article. I’m just talking about in general.

              And yeah that difference that you’re explaining is there…but that’s part of the whole slut shaming for women, versus virgin shaming for men.

            • I dig. I must have read the reply chain wrong and thought you were responding to that old post of mine.

  21. Here is the problem as I see it.

    If husband is only getting sex once a week from wife, while wife is getting off on her vibrator 2-3 other times a week, it’s a problem!

    If you could get off during sex (oral or intercourse) before, but now can’t after using vibrator, it’s a problem.

    Bottom line, if you are in a committed relationship and having more sex with a toy than your partner, you have issues you may not even realize.

    You can rationalize it however you want, but that scenario exists a lot. No wonder so many men stray. If I’m only getting it once a week because she is “too tired” or “not in the mood” but still getting off with her vibrator, I’m gone. End of story. Wake up and quit rationalizing

  22. Lets hear a pro on this, Linda De Villers taken from a website.
    Linda De Villers
    Clinical Psychologist in Private Practice, Graduate School of Education and Psychology, Pepperdine University, Malibu, California. Linda De Villers in an International speaker who has taught extensively and led numerous professional workshops on sexuality and Sex Therapy.

    You like your vibrator better:
    Reaching for your Rabbit more often than your honey bunny? This is( more common) than some might think, De Villers says. A vibrator is simpler and more accessible than a cooperating penis. While there’s nothing wrong with incorporating sex toys into your love life, becoming reliant on a vibrator—or even preferring it over your partner—can be a serious problem.

    Sex Rx: If you really are addicted to your vibrator at the expense of your relationship with your partner, talk to a therapist to gain some insight about your relationship, De Villers recommends. If the vibrator gives you more satisfaction than sex with your partner, talk about trying some new moves or even using the vibrator together.

Speak Your Mind