Finding the Balance in Dating

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About Mark D White

Mark D. White is a professor in the Department of Political Science, Economics, and Philosophy at the College of Staten Island/CUNY, where he teaches courses in economics, philosophy, and law. He has written and edited a number of scholarly and popular books, and blogs at Psychology Today, Economics and Ethics, and The Comics Professor.


  1. Be yourself.

    The best advice is sometimes the most obvious.

  2. Bay Area Guy says:

    Be yourself.

    Too bad that never works. Believe me, I WISHED that it worked.

    But if that were the case, you wouldn’t have PUA’s, dating advice articles, etc.

    • But that doesn’t prove your point. At best, you prove that some guys don’t find success in being themselves, and so turn to The Game. I know that being yourself works, because it works for me.

      • well said, justin. the men that i find attractive have found what they like about themselves and then express that with sincerity and enthusiasm. it is so great to be around them!

        lucy :)

      • I know that being yourself works, because it works for me.


        • (On the other hand, Bay Area Guy said “that never works” [emphasis added], so the fact that it works for you does disprove that. It still doesn’t prove that it works for everybody, though.)

    • Being yourself can be very damaging advice depending on who you are. If you engage in dysfunctional habits, or are living an emotionally or physically unhealthy lifestyle, being yourself will get you no where. The popular definition of insanity is behaving the same, but expecting different results. Here is a resource if you find yourself looking for one.

  3. Dating should be effortless and attraction should be natural.
    Nature must have created us attractive to the opposite sex (sorry for being hetero-normative) so we shouldnt have to render ourselves attractive to them. In principle I agree when people say the best thing is to ‘be yourself”

    Unfortunately, for the cast majority of men, ‘being themselves’ would mean they wont get more than 2-3 opportunities in their whole lifetime. So they need to do something above and beyond just ‘being themselves’

    For women its different though. By just being herself, a woman can be desired by 100′s of men just the way she is, where she is, what she is.

    • Keith, there are two ways a person can be sexist. The first is by treating the opposite sex as subhuman. “They exist to serve our gender and our gender deserves all of the power without consequence or responsibility.” The other way is by revering the opposite gender. “They are so great that they are worthy of worship. There is something wrong with my gender, but their gender is perfect.” You are in the second camp, Keith, and I think that is why you believe men are inept at dating.

      Both of these camps treat women as something other than human with human flaws. It’s everyone’s responsibility to make themselves attractive to their mates, regardless of what their gender is, if they expect to have a balanced relationship. You need to hold women just as accountable as men. They are people so treat them like people.

      • @Piers: Both of these camps treat women as something other than human with human flaws.

        Actually, one thing that is often missed is that both of these camps treat both women and men as something other than human with human flaws.

    • Tom Tribble says:

      Guys, I just don’t think you know how to love your woman. I wish I could teach you how to touch your lady so that she loves the touch. Then procede to love her body . She will understand and love your tenderness. Then a man must be a man … and touch her, gently, then proceed to command.
      A woman wants to have a man who commands.


  4. I too would say just be yourself however most south asian men I have come across seem to feel a bit threatened when they come across women who are outspoken and unconventional. No matter how educated, well traveled or worldly they might be they find it very hard to sometimes accept that women too might have strong opinions about certain things therefore a lot of my female friends tend to downplay themselves and not portray who they really are for fear of rejection; sad but true.

  5. Mark Thomas says:

    Why didn’t you publish my comment? I don’t mind uf you want to edit it, but my view was a perfectly sound one!

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