Zach Rosenberg shares five reasons why it’s best to be open with your partner in bed.
Sex is great, but it’s so much better when you’re honest. And I’m not just talking about saying “yeah, my legs don’t bend that way.” I’m talking about real, sexual-soul-searching honest. Here’s five ways you can achieve ultimate bedroom honesty with your partner and have a little fun in the process.
Look, if we all wanted to have sex the same damn way every time, there wouldn’t be so many ways that your parts fit into your partner’s stuff. When I was in college, I did it the same way every time: warm-up oral then missionary, 40 seconds, done, go home. Yeah, I just said that.
But now that I’m married and have a wife who is my world, I don’t mind thinking outside the box, if you know what I’m sayin’. But experimentation isn’t just adopting the “any hole’s a goal” mentality. It’s about finding something fun that you and your partner can try. Maybe it won’t go right – you’ll laugh about it (maybe now, maybe later) and it’ll ultimately make you feel closer. Try toys, try those deliciously-scented lubes. You may have never tried before, but it might be fun. And if it’s not, that’s cool too – that’s why it’s an experiment. You think scientists succeed in every one of their lab experiments? Uh no. So lube up, put a rubber ring around your ding-a-ling, and start looking for alternate entry points.
I mean, if it’s cool with your other half. Gotta agree on terms before you go exploring the jungle.
2. Be Honest About Your Past.
It’s totally cool that you had some wild days whenever-ago. And it’s even cool that you are Facebook friends with the woman that deflowered you. But you’re going to want to share this stuff with your partner. Not because you can’t be trusted, but because you probably want to know if your partner’s friends with the one that deflowered them too, yeah? And if you had a not-okay experience in your past, you need to let your partner know so that they don’t accidentally bring you back there.
Or how about this – did you have a past lover that did something in bed that you really liked? Well, your current partner might be able to do it too. Airing out your past doesn’t have to be a source of jealousy. It can be a launching pad for “hey I haven’t done this in years.” It might even make your partner look at you like a superman for doing all the cool sexual stuff they’ve never experienced up until then.
3. Be Honest About Porn.
Look, your partner looking at porn isn’t about you. It’s about them having a fantasy and watching other people get filthy. And when your partner watches porn, they’re probably watching people that look nothing like you. It’s okay. It’s not because they don’t love you or aren’t attracted by you. It’s because they – just like you – are able to be attracted to many things, and when you become exclusive with someone, it doesn’t stop them from being attracted to people that don’t look like you.
So let them have their moment. Or, if you’re a real sex rockstar (and I know you are), you might find a way to integrate that into your sex life. You don’t have to go out on the street and find someone who looks like their preferred porn star or starlette. But you should talk about what types they like. Don’t go into “why” – you’ll get nowhere like that. Here’s a suggestion: find porn that satisfies both of your attractions and then dirty talk about it while you foreplay. Sometimes, all it takes is a little suggestion that it’d be hot to have that star/lette there with you to get you both in the mood. Sometimes you can arouse a partner if you know who they like with a “you like him/her? You wish you could” …well, I’ll leave something to your imagination. But by then, hopefully, you’re already off to the races.
And if you don’t like porn, be honest. You might have to surrender to letting your spouse have some alone-porn-time then, but that’s okay – remember, it’s not about you.
4. Be Honest About Your Dislikes.
This is important. The last thing you need is your partner turning you off in bed constantly by doing something that you hate. Or worse, that you’re scared of. Don’t like being love-slapped? Don’t even make it a possibility – come right on out and say you never want to do that. Don’t ever want to try a certain position because it makes you body-conscious? Make it clear.
This is especially important if you’ve ever been abused in any way, male or female. As I mentioned, you don’t want your current partner to trigger a past hurt. It’s only fair to bring it up before it happens. Sex is best when it’s stuff that you like, so make sure you take all of your dislikes off the table. And if you’ve experimented as I suggested and don’t like something you’ve done, make it clear right away. You don’t need to be getting into a routine that you’re not enjoying just because I suggested that you try something a step too far for you. And I don’t want that on my conscience.
5. Be Humbled By It All.
Look people, sex is awesome. Sex is incredible. Sex is emotional and fun and right now, while you’re reading this, there’s a ton of people banging it out in their homes, in their cars, and in weird semi-public places. Be humbled by the fact that someone is letting you, quite literally, into their body. Be humbled by the fact that, under some conditions, this process can create a human life. Have respect for it all – and I’m not saying you need to freak out over it (because that’s a total boner-killer), but just think about how powerful it is to get naked and get wild. It’s something people have been doing for thousands of years.
So remember – you’re one person in a world full of other folks celebrating this same totally hot mattress dance. And for most people, you’re not the first one that’s been with your partner and they’re not your first. Engaging in sex with someone is a gift, so treat your partner with respect. Or believe me, they’ll go find it elsewhere and leave you out of it.
There are some incredible ways that you can enhance your sex. But I think above any position or toy, honesty should be your number one bedroom trick. It’s sexy to talk about the things that turn you on or scare you. It’s hot as hell to experiment with your partner. And it’s awesome to look at your love and think “it can’t get better than this.” Honesty ain’t just the best policy, it’s a roadmap to the best sex you can have