Why are we told that miserable relationships are the romantic ideal? Noah Brand breaks down the assumptions underlying the cultural messages.
This article was originally published at No Seriously, What About Teh Menz?
We’re all familiar with hegemonic masculinity, the constant societal drumbeat of nonsense about what a man is supposed to be. Tall, successful, competitive, into sports, violent, et cetera ad nauseam. What I’ve been thinking about lately is how this fits into another incessant social narrative, one I’m going to call hegemonic heterosexuality, because the alternate name would be the Cult Of Shitty Relationships. I started down this train of thought when I saw a billboard for some godawful by-the-numbers romantic comedy coming out on Valentine’s Day, which makes sense because Valentine’s Day is that holiday when guys do romantic gestures for their girlfriends like taking them out to romantic comedies because men hate romantic comedies and it’s romantic to do things you hate because wait what the fuck everything in this logic chain is both wrong and horrible.
Hegemonic heterosexuality is the model for straight relationships that carries as many damaging, ridiculous, impossible assumptions and requirements as does hegemonic masculinity. Shall we list a few?
Relationships are about finding The One you’ll spend the rest of your life with. Naturally, a jealous and possessive form of monogamy is a strict requirement. It is necessary to hate all of one’s exes, because they were not The One, and one must also be jealous of all one’s partner’s exes, because they touched your property before you even got there.
There is a list of Things Women Like and a list of Things Men Like, and they have minimal overlap. To engage in correct heterosexuality one must do things on the opposite-gender list, to please one’s partner. You will not enjoy these things. Men make sacrifices like pretending to enjoy shopping or theater, because those are what women like. Women make sacrifices like pretending to enjoy sports and action movies, because those are what men like. If one’s partner likes anything on the “wrong” list, that is excitingly transgressive in that they might actually enjoy it, but ultimately it’s kind of weird and makes them not The One.
Men don’t have emotions and women don’t have a sex drive, so relationships consist of a transaction: the performance of sex acts for the performance of emotional intimacy. Men hate emotional intimacy and women hate sex, so this is a fair trade all around. There is a narrow range of “normal” sex acts that are permitted; anything outside those bounds is weird and gross, especially if there’s any hint that it might be driven by some form of female sexual desire, which is by definition perverse. Men sometimes want “extreme” or “kinky” sex acts, which a woman may perform in order to please her man, but if she is not appropriately compensated for this sacrifice, the relationship is unfair.
It goes without saying, of course, that men are primarily valuable for their worldly success and accomplishment, with some secondary value derived from conformation to a standardized concept of physical attractiveness. Women, conversely, are primarily valuable for their conformation to standardized physical attractiveness, with some secondary value derived from worldly success and accomplishment.
At all points and in all ways, the man must take the initiative. He must be the first to approach the woman and ask her out, he must be the first to propose sex, the first to propose each escalation of the relationship, and, obviously, the first to propose marriage. The woman’s role is to get the man to do each of these things in the appropriate order without ever directly asking for any of them. If she expresses a desire out loud, she loses points and may be demoted from The One status. Instead she must silently manipulate the man so that he follows these steps in the right order at the right time as though of his own initiative.
Proposal and marriage must be performed in accordance with a very strict and specific set of rituals and traditions. This constitutes a victory on the woman’s part, as men hate marriage, so his proposal means that she has won. Once married, most married couples hate each other. This is normal.
There’s a lot more weird requirements and assumptions built into this routine, but I’m sure you all recognize it by now. This is the model of straight relationships that informs every article in “men’s magazines” and “women’s magazines”, the model that informs every “battle of the sexes” joke, every half-assed romantic comedy, and for some reason every single episode of Friends I ever saw, no exceptions. Also Ally McBeal. Also… shit, throw a dart at the TV, it’ll hit an example.
One might say that this is just heteronormativity, but I think it’s different; it’s even more restrictive. It’s perfectly possible to say “There’s a million different ways for a man and a woman to love each other!” which is heteronormativity, but not hegemonic heterosexuality. The Cult Of Shitty Relationships defines “normal” down even further, into realms of pointless, purposeless unhappiness.
At its core, it’s based on two ugly stereotypes and one ugly model. The stereotypes can be distilled down to this: Men are stupid and women are crazy. Offensive as hell no matter how you slice it, ain’t it? As to the model, it’s kind of even worse: conflict. Men and women’s interests and goals are at odds with each other, so all we can do is try to come out on top.
In other words, hegemonic heterosexuality is the vast cultural conspiracy to describe all heterosexual relationships as the unending war between stupid people and crazy people. If that’s really the model of love you want to aspire to, then okay, you have that right. But don’t piss down my neck and tell me it’s raining, and don’t show me toxic relationships and tell me they’re normal.
Photo– antwerpenR/Flickr
About Noah Brand
Romantic comedies have taught men and women how to perpetuate all our contrived social codes, to the detriment of all. It’s not just the constant over-exposure of female flesh, but the mind-set of the men who don’t see why this is harmful to both genders and the global soul of humanity.
Thanks for your thoughtful article.
I don’t think that it is not the “over-exposure” of flesh that is the problem, it is the objectification, and the context that is the problem.
it is possible to respect a woman while she is naked…
Actually, the newest thing in Rom-Coms is the ‘sausage shot’. Like in that new one “The Vow”. (Iguess it helps when the male lead is a former male stripper). Iguess the Hollywood geniuses who make these films finally figured that their target audience is female so lets give them something they’ll want.
Except in my experience, male nudity is not exactly a turn-on to most women.
It is to me… and pretty much every woman I know. Though a boner is much more interesting than a flaccid penis.
Exactly, women today are not shy! They don’t hesitate to say “Where’s the beef!” Poor John Holmes was ahead of his time and died too soon.
I suspect you are in the minority.
Perhaps it’s my generation, but the ladies I know are not shy about discussing the naked male form, and we are not disgusted by it. I’m not sure why anyone would be disgusted by the male form. It’s just as erotic as the female form.
Bob-O may disagree, but it’s been my experience that women’s reluctance to admit to men being sexy or a turn-on is the result of cultural conditioning of both genders. Women used to be told (and in some circles, still are) that sexual feelings or desires are dirty, taboo, and make them “whores.” Men used to be told (and in some circles, still are) that being admired for their looks or sexual appeal isn’t manly.
I’m queer, so I tend to find naked women more attractive than naked men, on the whole. But my husband throws a wrench into the works. I can’t keep my hands off of him. I remember, as a teen, when my parents were divorcing. My mom would go on totally inappropriate diatribes about how gross she found men to be, especially my dad. I hear enough male-bashing from women of her generation (Baby Boomers – she’s 60), and pretty much the opposite reactions from my generation and our younger siblings’ (X and Y respectively) that I’m really beginning to think that younger women are going to turn the tables.
Of course, there are still some circles of Gens X and Y where finding men hot makes a woman “loose,” “slutty,” etc. The faux-MRA blogs (they’re really PUA blogs) overflowing with misogyny are good places to find that mentality. I was a regular commenter at one until last weekend, when I lost patience with the constant condemnation of women who examined the lousy, miserable script described in this blog and said “Nah, let’s do things in a happier, more productive fashion.” It seems that in some circles, slogging through a miserable relationships is fine, even preferred – so long as the traditional social order is maintained. My husband and I have been together for years, and our relationship is the exact opposite of the model described in this entry, which may explain why the women most miserable in their “mandatory” role as passive, weak victims with no sex drive, scheduled birth every 2 years, and a feigned obsession with the color pink took great pains to constantly point out how “disgusting” we are.
It’s not just how it affects men. A lot of women take these movies to heart when they’re young and put impossibly high standards on their relationships with men.
Going on what Mike said, nudity is not objectification. I think that’s a dangerous and unhealthy assumption to make. It’s the way the person is being presented that makes them an object.
Porn objectifies women because it strips them of identity, not because it shows their private parts.
“Porn objectifies women because it strips them of identity.”
Yeah but then porn objectifies men too…and that’s only true of some porn. It depends on what exactly you’re watching.
Porn always objectified men. It’s just that no one gives a crap about men. Another reason why the anti-porn argument falls pretty damned flat with me.
For whom does porn objectify men? Other men? Curious, not snark.
wet_suit,
I’m a bit confused, then why do so many men consume porn? I do notice that men esp ones who are really into porn end up feeling bad about their penises or performance. If it’s hurting them so bad, then why don’t they just stop?
Why do women consume media that objectifies them and makes them feel bad about themselves and their bodies?
Most women I know grow out of mags like that around age 21,22. Nowadays I look in one just to see the fashions
I wonder about this all the time too.
I advocate for women to just not read magazines that make them feel bad about themselves, but it seems that some people would rather continue doing it, continue feeling bad, and just complain about how it makes them feel.
If porn objectifies women, then everything humans do involves massive amounts of “objectification” of everyone by everyone. “Objectification” is a political invention that only ever gets used when someone wants to attack male sexuality.
Most porn objectifies everyone involved. It objectifies women as simply objects to be consumed or conquered, and it objectifies men in that all their manhood is restricted to simply the size of their member.
And I say this as a woman who watches and enjoys porn.
“If porn objectifies women, then everything humans do involves massive amounts of “objectification” of everyone by everyone. “Objectification” is a political invention that only ever gets used when someone wants to attack male sexuality.”
DING!!!! DING!!! DING!!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!
It’s nice to know that some people see the world with their eyes open, or at least not fully closed!
I would say that men generally see women as objects, and porn being an extension of that. A lot of men just see women as an accumulation of female parts, this being exacerbated but not created by porn.
I pity you. Seriously, are you able to see men as people and not as monsters? You know, most guys prefer to have sex with subjects and not objects. If we wouldn’t, humanity had died out millenia ago – my own hands are less trouble than women
Well said, my friend, I would encourage you to write a guest post on this on my blog if interested.
I have a problem with anyone saying “porn does this” or “porn does that” because 1) not all porn is created equal and 2) so much depends on the person who is actually watching the porn.
Gosh, why in the world was this comment moderated?
Possibly because of the use of the word, “porn?” I’ve noticed all sorts of comments end up in the list of those needing to be moderated. It’s an automated system…it makes mistakes.
Oh my gosh! Your article made me laugh out loud! It is really tough being a man and being a woman in today’s society. It is a wonder how we EVER get together! What a great parody on our stereotypes. Thank you so much for your perspective. It definitely gives us all something to think about. Striving for the cultural ideal means so many of us are left standing out in the cold wondering what we are doing wrong (I speak on this one from a woman’s perspective, as women tend to “blame” themselves when The One doesn’t show up the way we think he “should”). Bravo to you for sharing your perspective. I loved reading it and would really enjoy reading a follow-up article exploring other possibilities to create cultural relationship ideological change! Thank you! Jeanne
“She must silently manipulate the man so that he follows these steps in the right order at the right time…”
How true! Great essay! I flip through thick bridal fashion magazines while running on the treadmill at the gym and it makes me think how the women I know have had their weddings all planned out and worrying about chinaware and the design of wedding invitations with their guy filling the spot of the guy willing to play along…then I fast forward 15 years in my head and I see how things explode inside a real marriage when their true aims diverge…both parties get mad when the other is not following the script the other person has in his/her head…
Scripts and narratives and storytelling. It’s all down to that. Deviate from the script? You’ve gone rogue and no one knows what to do with you. I go rogue quite a bit.
It makes me happy to be single sometimes…
Exactly. Noah has described why society’s expectations of normal relationships make normal relationships crappy. “The only way to be in a relationship is to be in a mutually unsatisfying and destructive conflict.” So why be in one at all?
There are better ways to spend your time.
I’m assuming the point in this article was that we all go gay, yes? That’s how I read it. (kidding. lol).
Actually I thought this article was wonderfully written. I particularly liked the bit where you described the norms associated with hegemonic heterosexuality – it read like a cross between a textbook description of a group of primates and an early anthropology article.
What strikes me even more is not just that this system is in place, but that there are people who fervently advocate for it.
You know HeatherN,I realize that gay men and women have their own set of soceitial problems to deal with,but sometimes, I just can’t help but envy you all!
because it’s easy to understand, ask any hetero – body under the age of 30 what their script for a parter is in specific terms and you’ll get 30 minutes of “uhhh……….” ask anybody over 50 and you get a TOTALLY different answer.
most of us in generation Y agree that the scripts suck and we don’t use them, sadly this also means we have NO idea wtf to do instead? (will she think im an asshole for not paying for the first date? Is she waiting for me to ask her out or does she just not like me, cus if she did she’d be asking right now? If I “occupy Valentines day” will she think im cool for ignoring the script or just a cheep jerk she should break up with? Should I NEVER buy her flowers, or him a Tie? Does he WANT to be left alone to watch the game on his birthday or will he be insulted I didn’t want to spend time with him?)
the “waiting period” between the patriarchy of the past and the gender egalitarian world of the future is paved with a long road of sharp shards made of “is XYZ rule feminist backlash or Misogynistic”, and let me tell you, walking on it in bare feet fucking sucks!
Yeah but us lesbians (and probably gay guys too) have the same problem when it comes to figuring out the relationship scripts. We’ve got heteronormative and homonormative practices to contend with…not to mention for us lesbians the lingering butch/femme dynamic. All of which stems from the hegemonic heterosexuality that Noah is describing here. The specific gender issues don’t necessarily pop up…but sometimes they do.
Figuring out who is paying for a date can be all kinds of complicated. “Should we just pay for ourselves?” “If she offers to pay for me, does it mean she thinks I can’t afford it, or is it because she’s just really interested in me?” If you’re a more masculine-looking woman then there’s this – “If I offer to pay for her, will she think I’m trying to be too butch?” And if you happen to be a bit on the femme side and you’re on a date with a butch woman…then it’s like “Oh crap if she pays for me, then does that mean she’s all into the traditional butch role? Is she going to open the car door for me too?”
The Valentine’s Day thing you mentioned, for example…that’d be a potential pit fall in a lesbian relationship too. When it comes to more long-term relationships, for example, conventional wisdom says that lesbians will experience the dreaded “lesbian bed death,” and gay men just won’t be able to be monogamous…which is tied into the stereotypes we make about men and women and their sexuality.
So it’s different, obviously…but lesbian relationships (and gay relationships) have been around long enough that there is also a script that has been written and subsequently dismantled. And we’re left flailing about a bit too…but I’d still prefer flailing about to following a depressing set of expectations. That’s why I said it’s startling to me that people not only follow it, but actively advocate for it. I mean, there are people who argue that changing anything in the hegemonic heterosexuality that Noah described here is wrong…that is what’s startling.
(As a side note: Noah I think I am going to steal the term hegemonic heterosexuality from you and use it, always.
)
I’ve spent most of my life flipping between the straight world and the gay world, and I can’t say which world is more frustrating in terms of its rules and expectations. In the gay world, I usually take on the “male” role, which means, among other things, that I’m not allowed to get hurt when my girlfriend cheats on me or acts horrid. Then, there’s the fact that, since I’m not a “gold-star” lesbian, I’ve often been relegated to dating the women who don’t like women, really – who are just using me to “practice” or bide time until the right man shows up.
In the end, I, too wound up with a man, but we’re not cuddling in hegemonic heterosexual (non)bliss. My husband is bi. There’s no one more hated by gay and straight men alike than a bi male. What we love about being in our own world – the bi/queer world – is that because everyone has awful stereotypes about us, but no one has scripts for us, we were easily able to toss all the BS out the window and do everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING) on our own terms.
Sigh, I didn’t realize the scripting had finally begun to truly set in on the LGB side, sry you all didn’t escape the bullshit
. Sadly this just enforces what I was getting at “i don’t understand why people follow the scripts”, well, because the idea of being willing to flail around and take the road less traveled by rather than settling for an “easy” but ultimately less fulfilling script is nice but frankly when people (apparently of all sexualities) are looking somebody they don’t want to loose in the eye, its very easy to think to yourself, “ill experiment on my own time, i dont want to risk loosing this person just because i wanted to be crazy and not play by the rules!”
Lets be honest, NOBODY is getting laid or pairing up as much as they’d like too and most of us feel pressure not to risk “screwing it up” when we nab somebody we can even call a regular friend with benefits. Obviously im all for script burning and throwing rocks in the glass house but to answer the question of “why people do it” I think that answer’s a simple one, because its easy and half the time it works :/
“because its easy”
lol yeah I should never underestimate human laziness.
“Not a “gold-star” lesbian”
Yeah I’ve only ever been in the gay-relationship side of things…but it is definitely true that there’s a stigma associated with bi men and any lesbian who’s had a relationship with a guy. I mean, just look at the crap Cynthia Nixon had to put up with awhile back. Heck, I even forgo mention my experimentation in high school with a couple guys until I’m sure it won’t scare a woman away.
Maybe it’s my age (I’m 25 btw)…but I’ve never really been in a relationship with someone taking on the ‘male’ or ‘female’ role. Actually…most of the lgb people I know aren’t in relationships which fit a traditional male/female dynamic. Although, maybe that’s in part because I’ve always looked for girlfriends who are neither particularly butch nor particularly femme. – so that’s why I’m more of the opinion that the lgb script is being dismantled too.
Heather, I’m thrilled to hear that. I’m a freelance contributor to a GLBT magazine, and while my “beats” are usually health and medicine, I do foray into social issues sometimes. You’re younger than my husband and I – we’re late Gen-Xers – and I truly believe that your generation and younger will be the ones to turn the tables on this script that’s persisted in our community for decades. In interviewing older (Boomer) gays and lesbians for some of my social pieces, they have said the same, that the current youth will be the catalyst for eliminating the confining scripts within the GLBT community. I look forward to it. We can learn a lot from you.
“We can learn a lot from you.”
Thanks.
I still hate teenagers, though. (lol…kidding)
What you’re saying about the generational thing I think mirrors the way in which younger generations of heterosexual couples are also the ones breaking the scripts and trying to move beyond the expected.
yea, I can attest to that for the most part (27, hetero). Thought I guess the real test will be to see how our gen ends up handeling marriage (or whatever late game option becomes the new fad), I certainly haven’t ever followed a “script” either but that probably has more to do with the fact that I simply opted out of “the game” at an early age that anything else. (read as: have yet to be in a relationship of any kind)
Hilarious.
I don’t know why the author is compelled to pick on heterosexual relationships unless this essay is a hit piece on straight relationships and a pitch for the gay marriage lobby. If gays aspire to the same exact relationship as straights then they are buying into all of this and then, even worse, by the logic of this argument they don’t even have the excuse of the dysfunctional gender roles that allegedly breeds this unhealthy competition.
I will point you in the direction of the term homonormative. Also, specifically for lesbians, look into the butch/femme culture. Pretty much…back in the 1950s there was this trend of making gay and lesbian relationships mirror images of ‘normal’ heterosexual relationships. Exactly why is a whole queer theory course in itself…but the point is that with feminism and the post-Stonewall lgbt rights movement, this fell out of fashion.
Anyway, gay men and lesbians aren’t “aspiring to the same exact relationship as straights.” The problem with that statement is that firstly, it assumes that straight relationships are somehow something worth aspiring to. Also, it assumes that straight relationships are normal and that gay and lesbian relationships don’t work outside heteronormativity (or hegemonic heterosexuality).
Two men who want to get married (or two women who want to get married), aren’t trying to create an ersatz heterosexual relationship. What they’re trying to do is get their homosexual relationship recognized by the state and given the same amount of respect and rights. Get what I’m saying?
So what is your take on the transvestite and transexual culture and their seeming adherence to hetero scripts? A lot of rad-fem critique of these groups is focused on the appropriation of these scripts – Janice Raymond – as a ruse/fake attempt to blend into some essential component that is void of scripts, and simply exists in some wonderful form devoid of structure. And as you mentioned: top/bottom/versatile/butch/fem categories among the gay community are quite common and in use.
I’m thinking, actually I believe, that these stated postmodern theories are missing some very key components, and that jargon like heteronormative sexuality is more placebo than medicine.
Well first, as someone who exists outside the heteronormative, I can tell you that it is a real thing. I don’t know your personal story…but generally when someone effortlessly adheres to a particular norm it is more difficult to see it. That’s just the way it works. It’s why anthropologists have an easier time studying a different culture than one they belong to.
Also, as for the prevalence of top/bottom/butch/fem categories…they are not nearly as much in use as they used to be. Plus, they exist along with a whole crap-load of other categories – bears, cubs, leather-daddies, bulldykes, lipstick lesbians, queens, kings, etc. As in, a lipstick lesbian might be a top or a bottom…etc. More importantly, you are more and more often finding that even people who might fit into a specific category aren’t having a relationship with their “traditional” match – i.e. two butches in a relationship together.
Now as for trans issues…well I do not want to speak for anyone considering I’m not trans myself. However, here’s my own personal take on it. A transman, for example, is a man. He just doesn’t have a body that matches his gender. The expression of that gender is what is culturally informed. If we lived in a culture in which men wore skirts and women did not wear skirts….would transmen be more likely to wear skirts? I dunno, maybe.
From what I’ve seen in my friends who are transmen and transwomen, a lot of the emphasis on adhering to hetero scripts is about passing as cis-gendered. One of my friends, for example, grew a beard…not because he wanted a beard, but because it made him look more masculine. Again, I’m not trying to speak for anyone.
My background is fairly typical – very much hetero, with a little bisexual experience. My biggest sexual outlet by count is still masturbation. I think that’s pretty cookie cutter. My ideal would be towards greater ability for individual self expression, through scripts of their choice. I get the sense we’re putting too much effort into trying to fix scripts instead of just supporting choices. Trying to fix something like masculinity, even if we had the exact tools to do so, and is indeed in need of fixing, is beyond our mental capacities. We’re simply not that smart. Trying to fix femininity would be even harder.
I beg to differ on the top/bottom shrinkage. It’s hyper prevalent in sexuality, when people are given an anonymous outlet to choose as freely as can be managed – check Craiglists, any city, M4M, for example.
I had a colleague, a few years back, that was going through transition from male to female. The biggest changes we saw was in our acceptance of her. She really did not change too much.
I think we agree but differ wildly on execution.
“I get the sense we’re putting too much effort into trying to fix scripts instead of just supporting choices.”
Yeah I don’t think this article was about fixing the problems in hegemonic heterosexuality…but rather to say that what most people think is a ‘normal’ heterosexual relationship actually is quite toxic and so let’s not do that any more.
And Craiglist…or frankly any dating site isn’t going to give you an accurate depiction of relationships. Those types of places pretty much require you to put yourself into categories. That’s kind of the point. On the gay men side of things, I can only speak to what I’ve talked about/noticed…seeing as I’m never actually in the bedroom with them…but as for the lesbian side of things…it’s not nearly as prevalent nor as strict as it used to be. Even the definition of butch (and femme) is shifting and opening up. I’m not saying you don’t get proper butch women out there…cuz obviously you do…but it’s not nearly the strict dynamic it used to be.
We socialize with a lot of bisexual transwomen, and have both dated them too. My personal observation has been that many transwomen emphasize femininity out of a desire to pass as fully female. While society’s made progress, transgender people still face a ton of discrimination in employment, housing, and family court, to name just a few areas, and for many women, passing – and thus, playing up femininity – is a matter of survival. Every woman I’ve met who was born male says she felt like a woman from an early age, and the hormones, surgery, clothing, and makeup are medical necessities to make her physical gender align with the gender she feels she is inside.
I don’t know any transmen, but because testosterone is a virilizing hormone, it’s much easier for men to pass, even early on in their transition, than it is for women who are taking female hormones to counteract the effects of the testosterone their bodies produce.
Finally, transvestites, or cross-dressers, are a separate category and should not be lumped in with people who are seeking, in the process of, or who have completed gender transition. I don’t know much about the psychology of cross-dressers, but many of them live the majority of their lives displaying a gender presentation that matches their chromosomal sex. So the lawyer who wears his wife’s lingerie in private is very often going to be indistinguishable from the other guys in his firm – men’s suit, short haircut, facial hair, and all – on any given day.
“Finally, transvestites, or cross-dressers, are a separate category and should not be lumped in with people who are seeking, in the process of, or who have completed gender transition.”
Very good point.
So what is your take on the transvestite and transexual culture and their seeming adherence to hetero scripts? A lot of rad-fem critique of these groups is focused on the appropriation of these scripts – Janice Raymond – as a ruse/fake attempt to blend into some essential component that is void of scripts, and simply exists in some wonderful form devoid of structure.
i often smile when i read male tv profiles or comments saying how ‘womanly’ the ‘women’s clothing’ makes them feel – cos i know most of it was first worn by men. Our masculine warrior ancestors and our descendents, must be roaring with laughter at how people of today view these clothes
sometimes im tempted to post the dress of european women before 1800, or to show them the portrait of an 18th C male tv – just to see the response of my fellow dressers. actually i can guess the response, silence and then theyll pretend they didnt read it.
i often wonder how many tv’s would be so eager to wear the clothing and makeup of say, european women from the 1400s. from the leg revealing photos on the profiles, i suspect strongly not many at all.
if one reads descriptions of molly houses from the 1700s, male tv’s were in contemporary women’s clothing(effectively a long drab gown), high voiced, performing contemporary femininity. i can tell you most male tv’s hate long drab gowns
the same appetite for skintight clothing, revealing clothing, light fabrics that is revealed to me in male tv profiles would have 500yrs ago driven alot of these same tv’s to perform masculinity. as skintight clothing, revealing clothing, light fabrics was masculinity 500yrs ago, not femininity as it is today.
(Note what the women are wearing and how their faces look, note the tight tunics and the silk partihose tights the men are wearing)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Andrea_Mantegna_-_The_Court_of_Mantua.JPG
have 500yrs ago driven alot of these same tv’s to perform masculinity.
ill correct my quote above to this, “have 500yrs ago driven alot of these same tv’s to wear the ubermasculine dress of the times.”
i believe these tv’s ive spoken about, whether masculine through to feminine men, would have been wearing the masculine clothing, and not the feminine clothing of 500yrs ago
if one reads descriptions of molly houses from the 1700s, male tv’s were in contemporary women’s clothing(effectively a long drab gown), high voiced, performing contemporary femininity. i can tell you most male tv’s hate long drab gowns
i forgot to add, in the crossdressing and tv communities. modern male clothing is called ‘drab wear’… that should give you some insight into the thinking of a good number of crossdressers and tv’s
THANK YOU for this article!! Every time I was forced to watch “Everybody Loves Raymond” or “King of Queens” I wanted to smash the TV.
Thank you so much.jsebastian!! I just finished seeing “As in Happy” at the Ruhbarb festival in Toronto, then I read this article… then this appeared on my facebook feed. http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151399072015385&set=a.10150221166050385.436914.606485384&type=1&theater. I’m so confussed. but i think its great that human beings and relationships fall so neatly into tight little categories. Follow this sicking patriarchy, this suffocating ideal of how we must live and love together. Only then will we find the one and finally be happy. Funny how happiness is always just out of arms reach.
Noah
Great topic! I am single and often say that I prefer to be alone and happy than hitched and miserable. I have this terrible fear that if I fall in love, my partner and I will become inimate enemies. I almost thought it were as if nature intended for love to be miserable. I am slowly starting to realize relationships are what you make it.
Having bartended many weddings and seen the true nature of women on that day, I can tell you thats its no mystery that she has planned that day out a million times in her head, and the guy is most of the time secondary to the entire debacle. If you watch the way the the young girls react to the events transpiring, the boys play and run and goof off, the girls are transfixed by the “princess” in her attire and all of the fuss, entitlement, and acting out it brings onb (this is MY DAY). And dont forget the one thing I hear at almost every wedding Ive ever worked at “did you train him yet?’ and this is said to the bride, usually right in front of the groom and his family…seriously!!
One the one hand, I agree with you. On the other hand, if men were offered the opportunity to have a single day of pure, responsibility-free, totally self-centered adulation and indulgence and downright worship, who wouldn’t snatch it up and play it for all it’s worth?
A dirty little secret of humanity is that everyone would like to be treated like royalty, even though nobody wants to be a serf.
I think guys already have that day, it’s called a bachelor party.
“Bachelor parties in the US often entail the mass consumption of alcohol, hiring a stripper and general rowdiness toward which the bride might not have a positive reaction (especially since the bride is typically not among the invitees). Increasingly, bachelor parties have come to symbolize the last time when the groom is free of the influence of his new wife.”
Yeah, but then there’s the “Bachelorette Parties” which are starting to eclispe( or already have) the Bachelor parties in their debauchery
One nice thing about currently having no friends, and historically having few close female friends, is that I’ve managed to escape the weddings of everyone I know. As a woman, American culture is designed to train me from an early age to hold “the wedding” up as the most prestigious of life’s symbols, but I see “the wedding” as an overpriced annoyance involving entirely too many crimes of fashion, music, food, and manners.
When we got engaged, I tried to make myself care about “the wedding.” I bought one bridal magazine and was too bored to even finish it. We got hitched at City Hall, and I’ve been dodging weddings ever since.
If what I’ve read online is to be believed, I’m not the only woman who doesn’t like and doesn’t want to bother with a big princess party, but social rules and gender roles prevent many women from saying “No thanks.” My husband and I are as far from traditional – and heterosexual – as you get, and while being an outlaw isn’t easy, it’s also kinda nice that no one expected us to “follow the rules.” When I told my dad I wasn’t having a wedding, his response was, “Thank you!”
I agree. If I ever got married, it would be super chill. Like a day at the beach in a super comfy dress that I can wear again. I never was interested in weddings. My parents wanted me to have a Quinceanera and I refused. They decided to throw me a surpise one anyways and forced me into a fluffy dress. I look so mad in all the pictures. I don’t really understand what all the fuss of stressing over stupid occasions are all about!
I am a fan of “The Wedding”, mostly because I want to wear a pretty dress. However, I see no point in marrying someone just to marry them. I also see no point in forcing someone into doing a Big Day if they will be miserable. What I hope for is to find a guy who will be semi interested in participating in a day that I basically hope will consist of me wearing a lovely dress, eating lots of yummy food, and hanging out with friends and family. It’s possible to want a wedding and still be chill about it, is what I’m trying to say. Besides, weddings are just for show, really. I would rather have a solid relationship
Well you’d think…but then my sister decided against the big wedding because she really wasn’t all that into it anyway. They got married in Hawaii because that’s where her husband wanted to get married. It was beautiful but low-key, and it was about the two of them together and their relationship (as opposed to being about one or the other of them). It was quite lovely.
I know there are still plenty of bridezilla weddings out there (there’s a reality show to prove it). But wanted to say that there are also plenty of women out there who view a wedding as being about the couple instead of her.
To clarify, her husband hadn’t really wanted a big wedding either…it was her husband’s parents who wanted that.
My oldest daughter decided to get married on a cruise. She invited everyone along and insisted on NO wedding gifts. She said that” by buying your cruise ticket and joining us on this special occasion, your giving us the greatest present we could hope for”. I don’t think, as a father of the bride, I could have experienced a more peaceful and wonderful time!
I take it no pirates tried to commandeer the ship and take the non-existing gift bounty?
They would have been pissed!
Heather,
I thought you would apprecite this. My lesbian friends decided to get married but our state doesn’t allow it. So their families and all of us friends have decided to throw them an unofficial back yard wedding in celebration of their love. It will be in April. This is the only wedding I have ever been excited about!
+1
Sort of long, but related to codifying relationships:
http://stilldrinking.org/observations-of-a-straight-white-male-with-no-interesting-fetishes
Animals are sexual. We are supposed to be. It feels good and generates new life. As a Mother and Grandmother I know that sexuality and sensuousness are there from the beginning. Nursing couples that is a mother and baby are sexual We don’t want to know that because we have a problem with adult child victim relationships in our social order today. In tribal society children were “sexual” or engaged in sexual play until adolescence and then they would very often become focused on the opposite sex for the purpose of procreation and then in later life men and men and women and women were often sensual or sexual together. I believe it is the imposition of required “choice” That is to say we have to choose and most often we have to choose het sex because we all want to fit in but really we would be sexual with whoever we liked without shame and marriage. Marriage is not about love or romance but rather a contract with the state. Without the state ordered false binding people would just be together when they wanted with whom they wanted and with however many people they wanted.
pink and blue we start babies out forcing them into colours that “represent: social expectations of gender and any child even moving outside of those very strict parameters is immediately frowned upon and called names like tomboy and ostracized and shamed. That is why kids don’t think they had a choice because they just liked pink and dolls or climbing trees.
I see this because I know people who are called Bi. They are the most shamed people. Because they can’t or won’t choose. It is not considered that they really feel that way bit rather that they are just into the sex. I believe we are all bi or just sexual and if we were not constrained we would be sexual with whom ever we liked and wanted to be with. We might organize our lives very different ly if there were five parents kicking around who all loved and cherished each other and whom were also intimate with each other. Why is polygamy always 1 guy and many women? Why won’t transsexuals dress like women really dress? In sweats and no makeup and just like guys a lot? Why are male new casters always dressed in a shirt and tie and female ones are always showing thier boobs?
And of course from a patriarchy and hierarchy of gender. The are no races or genders. We simply are sexual beings.
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I don’t believe hegemonic masculinity exists, I think it relies on misandrist feminist perceptions of ‘patriarchy’.
So the premise of the article is something I challenge.
I will find some links by me on this or maybe ask if I can write a response.
QRS,
Please message me any links you have, I am very interested in your analysis.
Great article! I’ve always detested rom-coms, chick lit and women’s magazines. I’ve never been a stereotypical girly-girl — I’m too nerdy and I hate shopping. Female-oriented media always makes me feel like a bit of a freak.