What happens when men’s ideas about sex and intimacy are formed while watching porn?
We should not ignore the effects porn can have on a man’s self-image. I knew a man who was unconfident because his erection was “only 17cm long” (around 7″) and he could last “only up to 20 minutes.” When I asked what he thought was normal, he said in porn everyone had a foot-long penis and could keep going for an hour on end.
I asked whether it had occurred to him that if a normal woman were penetrated for an hour by a foot-long object, she would most certainly end up in the emergency room.
He was dumbfounded.
The quote above is a blog comment from Natalie, to which a Mark responded:
It is absolutely true that if men are holding women to a higher level of expectation in sexual performance, men are also holding themselves to a higher level of expectation. Yes, men are also conditioned to think that they need to have a monster-sized penis and last for several hours without ejaculating.
A lot of men find themselves competing with porn stars and coming up short. Besides huge cocks men may have to compete with idealized physiques.
On the other hand, plenty of “ugly” male stars manage to get “perfect” looking women. The “ugly” stars are hired to help Average Joe feel like he really can get that girl on screen: “If she likes sex with him she’ll looove sex with me!” But when Average Joe can’t nab Miss Perfect he may wonder what’s wrong.
Upping the ante, porn stars come every time. What if Average Joe can’t? And what if his partner, Average Jane, can’t either? And when she does, it takes more time than expected.
And, why don’t the same moves that “work” in porn work on all of his partners? And why don’t they all love threesomes, orgies, anal, facials, swallowing, bondage… In porn women are always horny and just need a man to satisfy them.
Now add on guy-talk. As WebMd put it:
When men do talk, they often puff themselves up to their peers. Less apt than women to discuss their insecurities and more inclined to exaggerate their exploits, men paint distorted pictures of their sex lives for one another.
So it seems like everyone else gets more exciting sex, more often, and with more partners.
Most people want pleasure and connectedness from sex. But then feel short-changed if their sex lives aren’t porn-worthy.
Maybe we’d be happier if we remembered what we really want.
Originally appeared at BroadBlogs.com
Photo: Flickr/miguelb
You know,I wish my straight-arrow father,who passed away a quarter-century ago this upcoming Feb.26,could return for a weekend and see this “new normal” in every aspect-ESPECIALLY RELTIONSHIPS-he and my mother enjoyed 53 years of marital bliss before his passing.Though he’d be 101-and Mother 97-were they still with me,Dad would say,”You people screwed up everything,you fix it.I going back to Heaven to join your mother and sisters Elaine and Wendy.” PORN,INDEED!!!!!!I guess it’s Ron Jeremy’s world-he’s about my age (sixty-one) or slightly older-the rest of us,unfortunately,have to live in it!!!!!!
I am more worried about men comparing themselves with the heroes of women’s erotic novels.
🙂
Porn can be Oh…Kay with me. I’m 68, now, and vaginal ejaculation is no longer an option. I’ve come only a few times in my life from oral sex, and only once without a hand assist. I have great fantasies, and use them frequently to get off, or just cuddle my wife while I do so. I don’t need to compete with porn. My cock is probably about a standard deviation above average, and I’m glad it’s not so big I bottom out or hit the cervix on a stimulated woman. (Ask a woman what that feels like.) So I… Read more »
Hank: “But I do like the odd bit of sensual, realistic porn. It’s a little like being able to mess around on your partner without the guilt.”
Why have a partner at all if you take pleasure from teh idea of messing around on them?
But I fear this is true for a lot of guys. And it’s scarey to think that guys want to mess around on their partners and consider porn a good way to do this while still being the “good guy”.
Here’s a suggestion:
Let’s just allow idiots with no critical thinking skills to continue to feel insecure. This is the kind of person who lays down on the dotted traffic lines because he saw it in a movie once. Perhaps his gullible nature will not get passed on to the next generation.
Watching porn as a way to learn about real-life sexual relationships is like watching the “Die Hard” movies to learn about a career in law enforcement. Porn, like “Die Hard,” is intended as entertainment. Whether it succeeds is a matter of personal taste (I for one thought that Die Hard 2 was pretty degrading to law enforcement officers). If you’re taking it to be more than entertainment, Yer Doin It Rong. The problem is not porn. The problem s living in a society that refuses to have serious conversations or teach serious lessons about sex. If we lived in a… Read more »
Jo, You said, “But what does it mean for a man to keep doing it if he does have someone? I’m genuinely interested in the motivation so that I can understand it, accept it and move on, rather than taking it as something lacking on my part and wondering why I am not enough.” The simple answer, at least in my experience, is that sometimes my sexual gratification isn’t about my wife. When my wife and I are intimate, it’s about the two of us and fulfilling each other’s needs. It’s about us. It’s about a shared experience. There is… Read more »
55,000 people (mostly men, but women too) give up porn (and masturbating) to see what they can achieve solely with real relationships… and give each other support on this message board: http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/
Check it out? I have kept with this for 5 months and my life has greatly improved… there are ways I did not even realize my life was affected from watching porn starting at a young age 🙂
Thank you!
Interesting website.
And in the relationships for which they give up masturbation, what are their partners doing to work on the relationship?
Thomas, how has your life improved?
How much of an expectation is there (and how realistic is it) for men to stop watching porn when they get involved in a serious relationship? My fiance is pretty open about the fact that he watches it when I’m not around (which isn’t really that often to be honest). I’m really insecure in general so its hard for me to be objective about it. It makes me feel like our sexual relationship isn’t enough if he has to watch porn. I’d rather he didn’t but I don’t want to demand he stops watching it because a) it will cause… Read more »
“Basically I’m just wondering – can it be harmless?” Yes, depends on the man. You’ll probably notice other things in their life that will indicate if it is a problem. First you have to figure out if your partner is monogymous or polygyamous, if poly then porn may be an acceptable way to alleviate any desires of sex with others. Not all people are monogyamous 100%, it’s more of a scale between 2 sides. For me I desire love but I COULD have casual sex with multiple people at a time and so I am slightly poly, but love and… Read more »
Interesting that an article about men competing with porn stars has turned into a discussion about women competing with porn stars. An article about how porn is screwing up men’s lives has to become a discussion about how porn is bad for women. I know I’m part of the problem, because I’m making this thread even longer, but anyone else notice this?
To me it looks like it has turned into a thread about mastrubation.
Is it considered sinful to mastrubation in America? I refuse to belive it !
Are you all told to sleep with your hand on top of the duvet in bed by your parents?
Well its not that clear. (What I’m about to say is pretty much about male masturbation because that’s what I live and that’s what I know.) When it comes to masturbation there is a supposed “acceptance” of male masturbation (whereas female masturbation is straightly not allowed). But when you look at it more closely that “acceptance” depends on two things. 1. Guys are are so overcome with lust that when they are not having lots of sex with lots of women (assumptions of heterosexuality of course) they will masturbate. 2. Masturbation is kinda seen as a solace. In the vein… Read more »
@Jo: It’s impossible to give a generic answer, but here’s my history. I wasn’t all that of an avid user when I was single, once, maybe twice a week. But I stopped watching it when I got into a serious relationship. And the I returned, occassionally, after the sexual part of our relationship had broken down. AFAIK she never knew about it, neither before nor after. Can’t really give you advice on your situation, cause my relationship skills are crap. But maybe try talking to him? Not on the premise that he should stop, but to try and understand why… Read more »
I think you will find that people have different ideas about what is “avid” use of porn and what isn’t.
I have a don’t ask don’t tell policy on porn. If my BF is using it, I just don’t want to know about it. Don’t do it when I’m around. Objectively it shouldn’t bother me, but subjectively I sort of feel like, “if you want women like that, we should break up because I will never ever be able to meet that standard.” It is tough enough being a physically imperfect woman in this world without having your own partner making it clear to you (via porn watching) that he wants something else. OTOH, I realize that men get sexually… Read more »
…without having your own partner making it clear to you (via porn watching) that he wants something else. OTOH, I realize that men get sexually bored in relationships and porn is a way to take the edge off and fantasize about having sex with better looking women without actually cheating. I’ve seen many women describe feeling hurt by porn in similar language, and it makes me sad for them, but what can be so frustrating about it is that I think they (the hurt women) are usually wrong about what porn means to the men who use it. The “clear… Read more »
I don’t want to control his fantasies, I’d just rather not know about them because of my own insecurities. I wish I could be completely secure but maybe because I’m not and gave never been a beautiful woman, it’s a sore point for me. Seriously, guys have told me flat out that they wanted someone more attractive. It doesn’t mean my BF doesn’t care about me but I’d be lying to myself if I thought he believed I’m a beautiful woman. So, it hurts to know that compared to other women I fall short. I know he cares about me… Read more »
Hi Sarah Like you I am uncomfortable with my man uses hardcore porn. And I also wonder if it harmful. I only talk about the sex that is cruel and only focus on male please and i feel is degrading if he did it to me. Here is an abstract of research: it IS harmful for a small group of men. References is in Norwegian but I post them since sometimes it can be of interest. ABSTRACT: Does pornography consumption increase attitudes supporting violence or sexual aggression against women? Effects of pornography consumption remains a hotly debated issue. The views… Read more »
it’s also hazardous not to share. my wife never tells me any of hers. i’ve stopped sharing mine. our sex life is boring. friction there bleeds over into life out of the bedroom. and vice versa, friction in the kitchen ruins our bedroom vibe. i can’t say it happened exactly like that, it’s a one-sided description. but it’s always been something gnawing at me that i’m the one who’s supposed to share fantasies and want things and she’s the one who green-lights them or, more often, gives them the thumbs down. i’ve ended up making such small and boring admissions… Read more »
What if she told you that her fantasies involve having sex with 4 guys at once who all have 6-pack abs and huge dicks? You probably wouldn’t be too happy to hear about that.
I’d start laughing n wondering where they all would fit.
Sarah
Men’s fantasies are something most women can bring to life only if they wanted to….only if they were willing.
Women’s fantasies have little to do with men’s willingness to do a particular thing or act a certain way. It has to do with some innate abilities and traits that one can do little about. And that is something that scares me. That is a harsh uncomfortable truth for men.
“What if she told you that her fantasies involve having sex with 4 guys at once who all have 6-pack abs and huge dicks? You probably wouldn’t be too happy to hear about that.” Why not? My partner actually HAS told me about a fantasy very similar to that (it was 5 guys, not 6). So what? It didn’t hurt my sense of self or make me feel threatened, because I don’t feel like I have to compete with fantasy. If a lover’s fantasy upsets you, it’s not the fantasy that’s the problem. The thing that’s actually hurting you is… Read more »
If a husband tells his wife that he has sexual fantasies about their own children and/or children in general, the wife may not be out of line to get upset and concerned upon learning that.
I bet in a lot of cases this is probably the optimum compromise. There has to be a balance between sharing every single interior thought and not revealing anything about yourself. It is possible to share too much. As “a guy” points out in his message, there’s also a danger of not sharing enough. It depends on the purpose of the sharing. Saying everything you think about or every single fantasy you have just because you want to, no matter what, is probably not a good idea, especially if the only thing your partner gets from it is aggravation. Telling… Read more »
Honesty and truth have a value all their own. However, we know they do not always make a situation better. When dentist Clara Harris asked her orthodontist husband David why he was cheating on her with his receptionist, he happily and honestly explained. He even wrote a list of all the attributes of his receptionist which made her more attractive and preferable to him. I’m sure his wife was thinking about that list when she subsequently ran him over with the Mercedes.
Marcus, it’s not an equal comparison to use rom-coms vs pornography. While rom-coms are something stereotypically enjoyed by women, there are a ton of male-centric mainstream movies that also cater to men’s desires to see attractive leading ladies. But alas, we aren’t here talking about mainstream movies for men or women. There is a reason for that. We are talking about porn specifically because of its ability to give very distinctive messages about sex, men and women. Messages that are sometimes separate from our messages of mainstream hollywood. I think what hurts for a lot of women struggling with this… Read more »
While masturbation may be the only option for a guy who doesn’t have someone to have sex with, that’s not the only reason to masturbate, and it’s not just for single guys. Being married or in a steady relationship *does not* guarantee as many orgasms as a person may want, so sometimes it’s about satisfying “surplus” sexual cravings alone instead of pestering a partner who you either know or think is not interested. Sometimes it’s a way to relax, or even help to fall asleep. Sometimes it’s a quick fix when there’s not enough time or energy to engage in… Read more »
At least we’re making some progress here. Jo brought up a very valid question about porn AND mentioned masturbation. What we’re really talking about is not “why do men watch porn when they’re in a relationship” but “why do they masturbate when they’re in a relationship?” One short answer to her question is that no one can complete anyone else. No one single person can be everything you ever want/need from humanity, whether that’s friendship or sexual fantasy. There’s no need for anyone to try to be “everything he ever needs,” because that’s not only impossible but downright unhealthy. If… Read more »
If a man’s supposed to stop masturbating once he’s in a committed relationship, then I have to wonder what she thinks the watershed moment. At some point it’s okay for him to continue to masturbate and then after that point it isn’t. So, when’s the cutoff? The first time you have sex together means that from henceforth he shalt not masturbate? It was okay when he went home horny after the second date, but now that you’ve started having sex he has to stop? That seems a little arbitrary. In any event, he may not know that this is your… Read more »
The women who I know for sure own vibrators would laugh at you or even call you an idiot if you told them that once they got married or got a boyfriend they would have to throw away their vibrators. If their husbands or boyfriends felt insecure about their vibrators, those women would say that those men are clearly not mature enough or not strong enough to deal with a real woman. Or that obviously those men are threatened by female sexuality or threatened by a woman’s independence.
Hey Jo, just wanted to address your comments. I think it’s pretty realistic for men to stop watching porn if in or not in a serious relationship. The availability of sexual material has made it seem like we can’t live without the visual someone else created of masturbation fodder. For generations men did survive, I think happily, without easy access to pornography. It seems that today, a large chunk of men have grown unhealthy dependent on porn. The fact that you are insecure about porn doesn’t mean that you are also not objective about it. Not any less so than… Read more »
When men do talk, they often puff themselves up to their peers. Less apt than women to discuss their insecurities and more inclined to exaggerate their exploits, men paint distorted pictures of their sex lives for one another.
Because like anyone men know that discussing those insecurities is a sure fire way to have them used against them.
Great article and I’m pretty sure the article I wrote this afternoon is the female side of this story.
Do you have a link? I’d like to read it.
From your article “Women are usually the ones who are the main caretaker of the kids, the main homemaker, the main support system for their family. Sex is shoved aside when the laundry piles up, the kids are going crazy, the weight of the world seems to be resting on their shoulders. Eventually sex gets buried under the mounds of laundry, it gets hidden among the toys that are covering every inch of the house, it gets forgotten about under the 50lbs of stress that we all carry around with us. What I want women and mothers to see and… Read more »
The problem with porn being used to learn about sex isn’t the porn itself, but the fact that porn is filling a void it shouldn’t fill – namely real positive life-affirming honest sex education.
Yes. I guess its an odd balancing act of wanting to have sex with real partners but not meeting anyone, not having sex but succumbing to the pressures of “if you aren’t having sex you aren’t a man”, and having physical desires and no one to share them with. There is no magic bullet that will ensure that no guy will ever go without having sex so in lieu of that they reach for substitutes to meet their desires with until they do meet someone. I’m of the mind that you can’t take a 40 year old man with a… Read more »
This is the point that is conveniently brushed under the carpet by the anti-porn brigade.
“At least partly because there’s a good chance that he became a porn addict because he wasn’t meeting partners.”
Why do you expect the anti-porn brigade to consider that very likely possibility. Why do you expect them to empathize with the male perspective?
Danny, I can agree there is a good chance a man becamse a porn addict because he wasn’t meetng partners. But then what about all the men in relationships where women are filling up internet forums and asking professions why her man is looking at porn and not paying attention to her?
The average age that most men begin viewing porn is around 9-12. That’s a lot of formative years me nare spending with material before they’ve even had sex themselves or even know anything about women.
Someone did interviews with women who had been raped to see if there were instances where porn had inspired the assault. Sometimes the two were related. It sounds like the example you give of the Swedish woman is another example of that. Also, I read a book called Pornified, by Pamela Paul which looked at men’s experiences with porn. That book has some answers to your questions. Yes, some men seem to think that watching porn will make them better lovers. They can be right, but are often wrong. Some men were able to stop doing porn after years of… Read more »
“Part of the problem with porn is that it teaches men how to do sex (and not always well) but it doesn’t tell them about how to have relationships.” It’s not supposed to. I’m not goign to jack off to a guide on how to have a relationship, not to mention thinking of them depresses me since I am single. That’s what romance media is for but even then that medium is also rich in fakeness. Relationships are left up to the people to learn sadly, schools don’t even teach a basic way to have a relationship when I was… Read more »
Hi Georgia You raise important questions. I also wonder if they can stop this habit once it is formed over so many years. And I am not talking about clinical addiction. Can a person ( often male) use porn daily from he is 11 years old and then stop when he has a relationship? Does he have any idea what it takes to succeed in a relationship with a person in real life,sexually and emotionally? Does he think watching porn will make him a great lover? Some time ago a woman in Sweden was raped the way it happens on… Read more »
“Can a person ( often male) use porn daily from he is 11 years old and then stop when he has a relationship?” The time I’ve been with a woman, I’ve had zero desire for porn. “Does he have any idea what it takes to succeed in a relationship with a person in real life,sexually and emotionally?” Yes “Does he think watching porn will make him a great lover?” Not really, watching amateur couples having sex has given me a few tips but everyone is different and it comes down to what works. It’s given me ideas of what I… Read more »