How Can I Get More Oral Sex?

A guy wonders why his girlfriend is so hesitant to give him oral, and Eli and Josie think the answer may lie with him.

Dear Sexes: How do I get my girlfriend to give me more oral sex (right now it’s quite a rarity)? It’s been so long, I forget what it feels like.

P.S. My girlfriend doesn’t like oral performed on her (no matter how willing I am), so I can’t really use that as a bargaining chip.

P.P.S. She says it’s not me. It’s that she’s self-conscious of her own odors.

♦◊♦

She Said:  There are two questions happening here, and they are actually the two questions my guy friends ask the most (usually after a few beers!).  So I’m going to really devote some time here…

As far as getting more BJs, if you’ve already asked why she doesn’t do it and all she said was something vague (as opposed to, “I have TMJ” or “I have a sensitive gag relfex“), then it’s probably about you. Sorry, sometimes the truth hurts.

I’m guessing this woman has a really sensitive nose. Just like girls have a pheromonal odor down there, so do you boys. First, you need to trim it up. Keep the hair short, but not stubbly (ouch!). Then get yourself a really good soap. Go get something for men, something strong! Dove for Men is great, and cheap. Get serious. Wash it well, the whole area, the whole block and tackle. Behind, under, between.  Scrub!  Then dry it well and keep it dry. Change out of your gym shorts and shower ASAP, then put on clean boxers—every morning and every night! Yes, two pairs a day, if you’re sleeping in them!

If it’s not about the scent, then maybe you’re doing something obnoxious like holding her head while she’s down there or thrusting. Please don’t thrust! We don’t want to be gagged.

Ultimately, you guys both have to be satisfied. A sex life without some oral isn’t going to work for everyone, so be honest and try to make her feel like you’re willing to really hear her, and not judge her or get defensive. You might also reassure her that she doesn’t have to take you to completion for it to be satisfying.

Now, on to her issues with oral. Us females often insecure about our privates because we really don’t understand them! We have these mysterious parts that are all foldy and warm. We grow up seeing penises in art and sculpture, so they seem “normal” – but the vagina is this hidden, secretive, scary place. We’re taught that our “down there” is dirty from when we’re quite small, and it’s hard to get past that bad mojo.

So ladies, the responsibility is mostly upon us to get past our hang-ups. And it’s well worth it!

Almost every guy I know LOVES the way we smell down there. I’m about to drop a bomb on you – Get ready!! When they’re done touching us, do you know what they do when they think we’re not looking? They smell their fingers! Sorry if this grosses you out, but if you think about it, it’s quite liberating. They love tasting us lightly on their breath when the sex is over. As long as you’re showering daily and don’t have an infection, those pheromones are designed by evolution to turn guys on. It’s actually quite awesome.

Guys: tell your girls how sweet they taste, how perfect they smell, how much the mere thought of her scent and taste drive you to distraction. You may wonder why “I like the way you smell” isn’t enough? Because she won’t believe you unless you’re specific.

Obviously, no one is going to smell good all the time.  So we must all be diligent about keeping ourselves clean.  And respect her when she says she thinks she’s stinky (maybe she was at the gym or wearing wool pants).

And like I said about needs, be honest. If going down on her is one of your major sexual needs (girls, these men DO exist!), you gotta be honest.

Worse comes to worse, oral is better in the shower for both sexes. Then she can know she’s clean and clean you up first, if that’s the issue. Plus, we’re less insecure about all the slobbery business that goes along with oral sex if we’re already all… umm… wet.

♦◊♦

He Said: Cleanliness is godliness. Head for the showers! Make sure you’re manicured, make sure you’re clean. Congratulations! Your chances at oral sex have just sky-rocketed.

Now, if you swear you can’t use performing oral on your girlfriend as a bargaining chip for getting some yourself (though I’m skeptical about the validity of that statement), then you best step your game up when it comes to the intercourse.

Practice some new moves, perfect some old ones. And remember, SETTING the mood can sometimes go a long away to getting women IN the mood.

So don’t be afraid of candles, oils, and other romantic props. It’s not so much about the props as it is about making the woman feeling taken care of.

If she feels like you’ve taken care of her needs, perhaps she’ll feel inspired to really “take care of you”, wink, wink! If your miniature man is still left in the lurch, head back to the shower, and rescrub, perhaps you missed a spot, wink, wink! But seriously, rescrub!!!

If you have a question for Josie and Eli, ask it here.

Originally appeared at SheSaidHeSaid.

—Photo stevendepolo/Flickr

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About She Said He Said

Eli and Josie, friends since college, realized how lucky they were to have one another—an honest friend of the opposite sex who tells it like it is. They wanted to share that with the world and so www.shesaidhesaid.me was born.

Comments

  1. Leroy Joseph says:

    From my experience, some woman love to give head and some just plain don’t like to. I have been in relationships with both types. My wife loves to please me orally so that makes me happy. If I were single, the question: does she like to give head? would be pretty high on my priority list. If the answer were ” no,” I would reconsider the relationship and perhaps move on. Life is too short to be deprived of something you really enjoy. You just need to find the right partner and they are out there.

    • So you’d sacrifice a good or potentially good relationship over fellatio???

      • “So you’d sacrifice a good or potentially good relationship over fellatio???”
        Everyone is entitled to their desires and if oral sex is high on the list, who are you to judge? Quite frankly I’d very much prefer to be with someone who likes to give and receive oral sex too, not sure if it’s a deal breaker but I do value a varied sexuality quite a lot.

        Good is defined by the people in the relationship, if your needs aren’t met then it isn’t really good. Doesn’t mean they can’t be good to someone else.

        • Whole-heartedly agree. People have different needs in a relationship. People value sex differentially and value certain sex acts differentially. It’s better to break up with someone than to be unhappy and resent them for not meeting your needs. Maybe it’s surprising to Alice because it’s not on your list of needs, but it definitely is for some people.

          • Jamie Parsons says:

            God, resenting someone for not giving you oral sex? Really? Would you hate all women for that? Maybe if it was withholding sex all the time but only oral? God, a lot of women don’t like it. It’s a very small part of life and if you are in a relationship for oral sex then I pity you. Maybe they should not bother with relationships and just stick with hookers.

            I enjoy oral as much as any man, but if I met a woman who was decent, loving, caring and devoted to virtues I value highly but didn’t give oral I wouldn’t care. For god’s sake there’s still sex isn’t there?

            • Why reduce it to something so negative? There are plenty of women that are fine with giving oral. Not cuddling can be a dealbreaker for some, not kissing, etc. Would you date someone that didn’t ever kiss you?

      • i don't believe you says:

        I would and have.

      • Why would it be considered a “good relationship” if needs weren’t being met? Is that such a hard concept to grasp?

        • Jamie Parsons says:

          If it were one need, and that need was oral sex, then yes, I would say it was a god relationship if a person was devoted to you and met every one of your needs apart from oral sex. If you dump someone because they refuse to blow you then good luck.

      • Gary Mundy says:

        I wish I had. If your partner is not willing to meet your need at least some of the time is that a partner you want to spend the rest of your life with?

        • I thought this was about relationships…I’m not gonna make a big deal if the sex isn’t that great or whatever.

          • Rick S. says:

            ??

            You’re kidding, right? In your mind, sex is irrelevant to the quality of the relationship? For what it is worth, the only people who seem to argue this are women. Why is that?

            And I feel sorry for any guy you’re involved with.

            • Nick, mostly says:

              That may be your experience, but I don’t think the attitude of sex not being important is gendered. Just as there are plenty of men in sexless relationships, there are also plenty of women in the same position of facing constant rejection. But our reactions to it just might be gendered. As Noah Brand discussed, there is a myth (that you appear to be perpetuating) that men always want sex while women are more “meh.” So if your wife is constantly rejecting you, it kinda makes sense because maybe she just doesn’t like sex. But when your husband is rejecting you, and you’ve adopted the belief that men should be up for it anytime, it makes you feel like you’re especially repugnant to be constantly turned away.

            • However many men that are rejected for sex DO feel repugnant and question whether their partner is really attracted to them, question if their partner actually loves them. The odd no here n there is acceptable and normal but regular no’s indicate a big problem usually.

        • Jamie Parsons says:

          You need oral sex as much as you need her to make sandwiches. It’s a want. It’s not like she’s withholding water from you.

          • You don’t “Need” a relationship either, but it is a desire. It may not be very important to you but it is to others.

      • You can have a good relationship without fellatio!?

      • “So you’d sacrifice a good or potentially good relationship over fellatio???”

        In a heartbeat.

        • Jamie Parsons says:

          Have fun with your hookers then. So for you, fellatio > The woman of your dreams (minus fellatio)? Wow, I love how so many here seem to respect blowjobs more than women.

          • Well, she wouldn’t be the woman of his dreams since there is no oral….Who says they aren’t respecting women? Women are not entitled to a relationship, a man who wants a partner to give head deserves to find a partner willing to do it, that is his right just as it’s her right to find a partner who will reciprocate or do whatever is on her “must do” list to be a good match. Any man failing to do that isn’t respected less, it just means they aren’t compatible.

  2. i don't believe you says:

    It’s not you. Male genital hygiene is a lot simpler than female genital hygiene so I doubt that Schweddy balls is the culprit here. Most likely your GF just ain’t into fellatio. I betcha none of her boyfriends got a lot of southern attention. Some women like giving oral, but not getting oral. Some women like getting oral, but not giving oral. Some women like both giving and receiving. And some women like neither.

  3. I concur with Leroy and I don’t believe you. It is entirely possible that she just doesn’t like oral. And if it’s a big deal for you, I don’t know if there’s anything you can do, because trying to push her will just make her feel worse and more reluctant.

    I don’t know if it helps, but I used to not like giving oral, I don’t know why. Maybe because blowjobs tend to be presented as something the woman just has to do for her guy, it’s like a chore or something. So I tended to view guys who asked for oral a lot to just be selfish. (maybe they are sometimes, I don’t know)

    For me, that changed when I received oral and discovered how awesome it was and wanted to return the favor. Obviously doesn’t work for the girlfriend in this scenario. But also, I realized that it really shouldn’t be a chore, but something that is fun for both parties involved. I started playing with myself while giving oral, which was one of the smartest things I think I’ve done sexually. I created great positive associations with giving oral (plus, my boyfriend thought it was pretty hot that I would orgasm while blowing him. Win-win!)

    So I would think the only way of being able to receive more oral form someone who doesn’t really like it, would be to help them to like it. Maybe try to get her turned on during. Even if she doesn’t like receiving oral, you can still flip her so you’re not quite 69-ing, she’s just to the side of you, and manually stimulate her. And make sexy noises so she knows what she is doing right and that you enjoy it. And be super-grateful afterwards.

    My two cents from as a woman who has both disliked and loved giving oral. :)

    • I love this answer!! so honest!!

    • i don't believe you says:

      I really don’t understand women who feel that men who love blow jobs are being selfish. What’s selfish is men who love blow jobs, but who don’t want to reciprocate with cunnilingus!
      All oral sex besides 69 is unilateral.

      • Yeah it’s not sensible. It was a view I had established before I even started doing oral or anything. I think it stems from the fact that growing up, I saw many more references to blowjobs and women not getting anything out of it. I knew about blowjobs YEARS before I heard any mention of cunnilingus (and I’m pretty sure that was just Sookie’s masturbation fantasy in True Blood haha). So it’s easy to develop a mindset in which you end up viewing men as being selfish because they talk about getting oral all the time and how important it is as opposed to talking about how much they like giving oral. It comes off as selfish.

        I got out of that mindset once I met a guy who liked giving and receiving and liked seeing me turned on when I was giving also. But if a girl never meets that kind of guy, it is easy to see guys as selfish in this regard. :/

        I’m not saying it’s logical, but maybe that helps explain where women are coming from on this. And honestly, look at how the question above is framed. Neither parties are receiving oral, but the guys focus is on how he can get more oral, with his girlfriend’s pleasure as a sidenote.

        • i don't believe you says:

          I’m still confused by your explanation.
          Of course men love blow jobs more than they love cunnilingus just as I expect the opposite to be true of women. Very few people orgasm from giving head.

          And as for the question above. The man’s comparison is his willingness to give cunnilingus, versus his girlfriend willingness to give blow jobs. It is not a comparison of his willingness to give versus receiving oral sex.

          • Not to butt in, but what I think Artemis is saying is that it seems selfish because it seemed so very one sided. If you know that men like to get blow jobs, but aren’t even aware that the equivalent exists for women (cunnilingus) then it seems selfish. It seems as though men are expecting women to do something for them without giving anything back. I’m a lesbian, and yet I also knew that blowjobs existed years before I knew about cunnilingus.

            Plus, not only is fellatio more commonly seen in the media than cunnilingus, think about how it is shown. Often (though not always) it is depicted as a way in which a man is enforcing his control over a woman. Obviously this is not what fellatio is; it’s just how it is often depicted. Add onto all of that the social pressure directed at women (and men to a lesser degree) to consider sex dirty and evil, and you have a recipe for a lot of heterosexual and bisexual women thinking fellatio is horrible without having ever experienced it.

            • YES I totally agree… The way we grow up learning about oral is very sort of “you have to do it, guys expect it, you’re gonna hate it” etc. And I had NO idea that cunnilingus existed until well after I learned about BJs.

              I told my pal Jamie Reidy (who is a writer here, go find his piece “Of Mice and Mobsters” where he talks about how he learned the word “vulva” that I read some Stephen King novel (Salem’s Lot?) and there was a scene in which a guy fell to his knees in front of a bed, put a woman’s high-heeled shoes on his shoulders, and “kissed the softness between her thighs” (or something along those lines). I thought about it for days, maybe weeks, trying to figure it out. Then, all of a sudden, I got it and I seriously almost fell off my 10 speed.

              I guess that’s why people love Stephen King.

            • i don't believe you says:

              Still lost. Did none of y’all see American Pie? The cunnilingus scene with Tara Reid is iconic. Only second to warm apple pie scene.

            • Ah well, I knew about blow jobs long before American Pie even came out. I’m not quite sure whether you’re trolling or not, though. Cuz really, I don’t know how any of us could describe it more clearly.

            • i don't believe you says:

              What you made clear is that a few of you went through puberty in an environment I don’t recognize at all. I distinctly remember learning obscene gestures for both types of oral sex around the same time. And I went to private school! I didn’t learn the term fellatio or cunnilingus till much later, but most every girl and guy I grew up with still knew about both sex acts.

            • NickMostly says:

              Did you grow up in a city, idby? I know for myself, growing up in a city meant exposure to sexuality at a much younger age than my friends who grew up in less urban environments. While I knew of the existence of such acts by age 8, we didn’t really know what they meant until probably 11 or 12. But we knew what rubbers were and what they were used for at that age as well.

              Perhaps this is what people mean when they say someone was “sheltered.” It seems like we were exposed to a lot of things at a very early age, including alcoholism, drug use, pornography, crime, and other things we weren’t mature enough to understand. Sometimes you grow up hard and fast, and you don’t appreciate that there are people who had a completely different experience than you did.

              I wouldn’t be surprised if they went through puberty in an environment you don’t recognize, particularly if your environment was anything like mine. I barely recognize that environment myself, it is so far removed from my current existence.

            • I grew up in suburbia, if that helps. Public school, but pretty well-off public school. My family was sort of religious. Don’t know if that helps.

              I think most of my information on (stereotypical) sex came from like… sitcoms and media. The only real references to sex from people my own age was gossip about girls who were blowing guys. Never heard that about guys who would try to gain points with girls by going down on them :/

            • i don't believe you says:

              Ahh. That explains it. Thank you Nick.

              I did grow up in a city…

              And Artemis In my school guys definitely went down for points, but only on girlfriends, not randoms. I fondly remember how we had this convention where If we really, really liked a girl we’d flick our tongues between our fingers as she walked away.. and all your boys would laugh. If she was walking towards up we would simply cover it with our other hand, so she couldn’t see, but everyone else could.

            • The flicking-your-tongue gesture was something I did not see until after I moved to NYC

              I also grew up in suburbia, where sex was not discussed much except as something you really weren’t supposed to talk about. In fact, when I admitted to some of my friends that I masturbated, they were shocked. They didn’t even think girls could masturbate. So yeah, I grew up in a decidedly different environment than you did. :)

            • Thanks Heather! That is a good explanation of what I was trying to say. Reactions to sex acts are formed pretty early on, it takes work to undo the damage of all that.

              And yeah, I didn’t watch raunchy sex comedies as a teenager, so no. Besides I heard about blowjobs a long long time ago. Like late middle school/early high school. Didn’t hear any mention of cunnilingus til college. Mind you, I have honestly never heard a person in real life talk about cunnilingus, though I have had many conversations on blowjobs.

              Also Heather has a good point. Blowjobs are much more frequently seen as a power thing, or something a woman has to do as a favor to get something or just used forcefully/coercively. So women already don’t approach blowjobs very favorably after seeing all that negative representation. I think half of what helped me get over my blowjob hangup was that the first time I gave oral to my boyfriend, he just laid down, I initiated it, and I was totally in control. It helped to get rid of all those negative power issues and instead I felt really happy because I knew it was all my doing that was making him make happy sex noises. :)

            • I’ve only received head a few times but I’ve asked each step of the way and tried to keep the communication up to avoid problems, I basically laid back and gave her full control

              I liked putting on hand on the back of a partners head and just caressing the hair gently without forcing her head, from what I understand this can make them feel even more vulnerable right? Is it something that is going to make many women nervous even after asking if it’s fine to do?

            • I think if it’s gentle it should be fine. It can be very nice. :)

              I know sometimes being communicative during sex can be annoying and not really spontaneous, but it makes for better sex later on. Plus, I know I have difficulty speaking up if I am uncomfortable, so it is nice to know there will be someone checking in with me to make sure it’s okay.

            • Thanks! I prefer to be too open, communicate too much vs not enough. I’d hate myself if we went too far and there wasn’t good communication.

          • No way, IDBY, I know at least a few guys who would rather give than receive. For them, giving oral to a woman is the *ultimate* pleasure… All their fantasies are about it, they watch cunnilingus porn, etc.

            • i don't believe you says:

              You are hereby nicknamed Queen of the Unicorns!

              Seriously, if you told a group of a million men that for one year they could either get a BJ OR give oral, but not both, what do you think the vast majority would agree to.

              Be honest.

            • IDBY: you do realize this sort of supports the whole “men who want blowjobs are selfish” thing that you wanted to counter earlier?

              Majority doesn’t describe the whole group. There is a wide range of sexuality. So Joanna is explaining that it is not impossible for men to derive pleasure from giving oral, they do exist.

              To counter that, I would rather give oral for a year than receive. But that’s actually a little selfish, I’ve orgasmed more times giving than receiving. I think more people should be encouraged to play with themselves while giving oral: it’s hot and it’s fun for everyone!

            • I agree with Artemis wholeheartedly. Also, YES IDBY I know three men who prefer to give than receive. That doesn’t mean that they didn’t like receiving, it just means that to them, the act of cunnilingus is IT, like the greatest thing ever.

              IDBY, how many guys have you had sex with? As far as I know, you’re a het man, but it’s just a guess. Between Artemis and me, I’d say we have you beat in knowing men intimately.

              And this is just something I happen to know.

            • i don't believe you says:

              I think it’s funny that you feel you have to blow a man to know a man…. cuz you don’t. I have way more friends than you have partners.

            • NickMostly says:

              I’d say approximately zero of my male friends know of my preference to give rather than receive, nor do I know their preferences. It’s not because I’m at all reluctant to talk about sex, we just don’t really talk about which particular sex acts we each like and dislike.

            • IDBY: I don’t understand why you seem to be getting defensive about this. It is clear that you really like receiving oral. What Joanna and I are doing is trying to demonstrate that not all guys are like you. Maybe your friends are like you too. But not every guy is. We are also trying to provide some insight to men as to why maybe women may have hang-ups about performing oral, based on our own experiences. We are not trying to say, “Oh look at us, we have it worse than you.” This is not a competition.

              Experiences between genders regarding sex are very different because of the weird standards our society has in place regarding sex for men and women. It’s important to hear about the experiences of both genders. If my boyfriend seemed to have hang-ups about going down on me, I would want to better understand why that may be from other guys.

            • i don't believe you says:

              Artemis. Don’t be so insecure.

              Mentioning the majority/most doesn’t mean I’m trying to invalidate your personal experience. And while I appreciate your sharing, you didn’t give me much insight (until today and prompted by Nick) as to the origin of your hang ups. The girls I grew up around were not like you so I don’t think “gender” is the reason you were the way you were.

            • i don't believe you says:

              @Nick
              Since when does talking about sex not include talking about oral?

            • IDBY: I was trying to have an actual discussion about this, and you turned around and called me “insecure.” There was really no need for the “I think it’s funny that you feel you have to blow a man to know a man…. cuz you don’t. I have way more friends than you have partners.” comment which turned this into a competition about who knows men best. I didn’t think you were trying to invalidate my experience, I just didn’t understand why you were trying argue who knows men best.

              Also, I am not sure if the “origin” of my hang-ups is really all that significant. I don’t feel that my hang-ups are really that unique, I think they are fairly common among women (plus, if my coming from a public suburban high school is what determines my attitude to sex, then that is the majority of women anyway…). I believe it is more important to understand the process of hang-ups, to understand how the mind works so you can address potential issues. How can you fix the origin of a hang-up, outside of time travel? You didn’t seem to understand why I felt this way, which is understandable as you have not encountered women with hang-ups apparently about blowjobs. That doesn’t mean you never will, so you might as well get insight while you can.

              I was trying to have a civil discussion with you, because you were asking, and then you dismissed what I said and called me insecure. I thought you were bringing a necessary counterpoint and questions to the discussion, but you seem to have stopped that.

            • NickMostly says:

              idby – we talk about sex, but not which particular sex acts we prefer. For us that means talking about frequency, how it’s changed over time, whether or not oral is included, etc (one guy only gets a blowjob on his birthday, for example). So I wouldn’t say it doesn’t include discussion of oral, just that we don’t talk about it to the extent that one of us has said, “I really like giving/receiving oral.” If any of my friends (men or women) are really into anything, it’s not something they’ve told me.

              When discussion of particular sex acts do come up, it’s usually around something one of us isn’t into. For example, all of my friends (male and female) claim to not be into anal (although only two of them have admitted to actually trying it). I think a big part of this is that people are willing to be only so vulnerable when discussing sex with friends. Who wants to be the guy who admits to enjoying pegging unless you’ve already established that no one is going to judge you for it? That may say more about my friends than anything though.

            • i don't believe you says:

              Artemis,

              Let’s not revise history about who was making things into a competition… and who was name calling.

              Did a hacker write this?

              “IDBY, how many guys have you had sex with? As far as I know, you’re a het man, but it’s just a guess. Between Artemis and me, I’d say we have you beat in knowing men intimately. ”

              or this?

              “you seem to be getting defensive”

            • IDBY – I think the thing you are missing is that your experience and the experiences of your friends might not be the majority. In fact, from this discussion, it sounds like your experiences would fall into the minority. That’s fine, but it’s something you gotta realize before having a conversation like this. Just because the majority of people had different experiences to you, doesn’t mean that they are wrong, or weird, or lying, or whatever.

              You said “The girls I grew up around were not like you so I don’t think “gender” is the reason you were the way you were.” I would like to point out that the way gender is performed in your community could be entirely different to the way gender is performed in the mainstream. This again goes to the fact that just because you experienced discussions of sex and blowjobs in one way, doesn’t mean that’s the way most people experienced them.

            • i don't believe you says:

              Heather – I’m gonna have to correct you. I don’t think you are weird or lying or wrong, but you ARE different. Your orientation is the opposite of majority. My “profile” is way more typical than you want to believe.

            • IDBY – You misunderstand what I’m saying. My orientation is outside the majority, yes. My upbringing (with regards to sex and how it was treated in my family/culture/school/etc) is in line with the way mainstream western culture discusses sex. My sexual orientation is another matter entirely and isn’t related to how typical women are taught to view blow jobs.

              I don’t ‘want’ to believe anything about your ‘profile,’ or whatever. You just challenged women to explain why they view blow jobs the way they do. Those women responded by explaining how mainstream culture in the west depicts and discusses blow jobs, and how it fails to discuss cunnilingus.

              I don’t know much about your own experience in learning about sexual acitvities, except that you were in a city and that you and your friends discussed it quite openly. Well a lot of people live in cities, and I’m sure they had similar experiences to you. So yeah, your ‘profile’ is probably quite common. But ‘quite common’ and ‘in the majority’ are two different things. And in this discussion when I said ‘in that majority’ I am talking about how mainstream western culture deals with this topic.

            • i don't believe you says:

              Heather – I used the word typical and not “quite common” for a good reason. While many of the shared anecdotes were interesting. They are decidedly not in line with what the majority of girls and boys experience as teens. Mainstream western culture they were not.

            • IDBY – Well until one of us busts out with some statistics, or some sort of proof beyond our own anecdotal evidence, we’re not going to get anywhere. I do not have any academic research on hand about how blowjobs are discussed in mainstream western culture. So I guess we’re at a bit of a stopping point. But that’s okay. :)

            • IDBY: I didn’t mean to offend you, I just didn’t understand why your tone had changed when you seemed previously interested in conversation. Which is why I said, “I don’t understand why you seem to be getting defensive about this” not like “You seem to be getting defensive.” Then you turned around and COMMANDED me to not be insecure. I didn’t intend for you to interpret my post in that way, I know tone may not always come across, but there was a reason I said, “I don’t understand” and “You seem.”

              You are trying to argue that you are the average and the people you know are the average (or majority, what have you). That is probably true. However, my original point was in agreement with your original statement that the girlfriend in question probably just doesn’t like giving oral. I gave my opinion as to why that may be, she may have hang-ups, possibly the same that I do, as women tend to receive the same messages from mass media regarding sex. Your further discussion on how those experiences were not the same for you neither counters nor supports my original point, it is another topic. You do not address other possible means of hang-ups concerning oral, or any other reason why a woman may not want to give oral, only that you have not experienced this hang-up concerning oral sex.

              Basically, you are probably right, your experiences are probably the average for a man in mainstream western culture, this is untestable without any sort of statistics, which I believe none of us have. That’s not what we are discussing however. You wanted to understand hang-ups and we explained them to you, then you argued that we were the minority, and unusual. You have not suggested any other source of hang-ups or any other reasons why women may be reluctant to perform oral sex.

            • @Atremis: Good point in bringing it back around to what the actual topic is. Hang-ups surrounding oral sex. :)

            • NickMostly says:

              Am I in that group? ‘Cause I definitely prefer giving to receiving.

            • I went through a period of a few years where receiving oral didn’t really do it for me. It didn’t feel bad, but it didn’t really feel nearly as good as PIV either. In other periods in my life, it’s been the opposite.

              There are different kinds of sexual turn-ons. There are men who enjoy cunnilingus not because it gives them an orgasm, because it doesn’t, but because giving a woman one is extremely exciting to them. Or because the whole scenario is something that turns them on. I’m not sure how else you could explain the fact that cunnilingus shows up in porn so often. (Well, the porn versions of cunnilingus anyway. It’s hard to do it well without blocking the camera’s zoom-in.)

            • Joanna Schroeder says:

              That’s what I’ve been saying about the guys I know. They say the exact same thing. They’re just SO into giving, it just really turns them on. And receiving is great for them, but when it comes down to it, they really just want to get to the PIV once all is said and done.

            • I’ve gotta say that, while I greatly enjoy getting oral from my lady, I absolutely LOVE giving it. For starters, I’ve been told that I’m great at it, which is a great ego boost in and of itself. And, I’ll be honest, I just really enjoy the act by itself. Nothing sexier than a woman having an orgasm.

              That being said, I don’t know if I could stay in a relationship where the woman didn’t like a little southern play every now and then. I’m not saying every single time, but giving and receiving are both really enjoyable for me, so if they were cut out of the equation completely it would be difficult.

            • “Nothing sexier than a woman having an orgasm.”

              I will only speak for myself in saying yes indeed. There are clearly millions who think the same way. (Of course, orgasms arrive in many shapes and sizes. It’s most sexy when it’s noticeable….)

              I’ve tried to make a related observation about hetero male-centered porn before, but it did not seem to get any traction in discussion. I’m guessing the single most common element in the most common porn is not male violence nor degrading acts nor even a transparent story line. The most common element in porn is a woman having an orgasm. This does not necessarily mean porn is empowering to women or all about women’s pleasure. I don’t mean this to rehabilitate porn’s image in any way.

              But, there is clearly something in porn’s appeal that is based on men being excited by women having an orgasm. I suspect when many men fantasize without porn or erotica, the female orgasm shows up in those fantasies, too.

    • NickMostly says:

      I wish that had worked for my last partner. She didn’t like oral (giving or receiving) nor did she like touching (me touching her, her touching me, or her touching herself) whereas I really find giving oral to be a huge turn-on for me. I simply chalked it up to her only being comfortable with PiV and I wasn’t prepared to play the role of shrink to find out why when my inquiries otherwise went unanswered.

  4. How about throat cancer??? That would be a good reason not to give a man oral…

    • How about cervical cancer??? That would be a good reason not to let a man put his penis into your vagina…

      Pretty lame, right? The reasoning is the same, though. The link between fellatio and throat cancer is believed to be due to HPV (Human Pappiloma Virus), which is the same virus implicated in cervical cancer. Rather than being strong arguments against specific types of sex, I’d say it’s cause for improving sex education, safe sex practices, and making HPV vaccinations standard for *both* sexes.

      Here’s an excerpt from an article at Jezebel about a recent study:

      The [New York] Times reports on a new study of throat cancer patients from 1984 to 2004. Researchers tested patients’ tumors for the presence of HPV — they found it in 16% of patients from the eighties, and 72% of those diagnosed after 2000. Overall, researchers say the incidence of HPV-related throat cancer has grown from 0.8 cases in every 100,000 people in 1988 to 2.6 cases per 100,000 in 2004. That’s still pretty rare, but it’s a significant jump — and if the growth continues, HPV could be causing more throat cancer than cervical cancer by 2020. No one knows why, but HPV-related throat cancer is much more common in men.

      So blowjob-related throat cancer appears to be on the rise, but it’s still lower than intercourse-related cervical cancer, *and* men seem to be getting it more than women. Beats me whether that’s because men are giving more blowjobs than anyone realizes, or they’re just more susceptible when exposed to HPV, but either way, throat cancer seems like a pretty lousy reason for women to be avoiding blowjobs. (And there is such a thing as safe oral sex, though I’m guessing few people do it that way.)

      • Alexander says:

        It’s not just a man who gives fellatio that increases his susceptibility to throat cancer, cunnilingus does too.

        • It’s a higher risk givin oral mean because they are injecting cells into the woman

          • Higher risk because they are injecting cells?!? I’d say both are quite risky, giving oral just after brushing teeth can increase the risk I believe due to small tears in the gums. A man doesn’t always have to “inject” his cells.

          • Injecting? I think you’re mixing medical lingo with a figure of speech. Unless a guy ejaculates into a syringe and then injects it into her bloodstream, there’s no injection going on. (When you brush your teeth, it’s not “injecting” toothpaste into your body, whether or not you end up swallowing any.) When bodily fluids are coming into contact with exposed tissues or mucous membranes, that’s just as true for vaginal secretions and mouth/throat as it is for semen and mouth/throat.

      • I find your mention of safe oral sex to be interesting. Actually, I would think it might actually help make a woman feel more inclined to give a blow job. I assume (though I don’t know) that a lot of the hang-ups about blowjobs are to do with a man finishing in your mouth. Seems to me a condom could solve that problem really well.

        • I do wonder if that’s a hang up. I haven’t encountered a woman who felt that way. For me, I was just like, “Well, where else is it going to go?”

          However, I think you would be hard pressed to find a guy willing to receive oral with a condom, I think that’s one of the pros of oral.

          • Ah, that is something I did not consider, that a man would prefer to receive oral without a condom. But then I suppose that only makes sense. Most women I know prefer oral without a dental dam.

            • @ Alexander – You’re correct that either kind of oral increases the risk of HPV exposure with a corresponding increased risk of throat cancer, but I was responding to a comment specifically warning against fellatio on that basis. I do wonder (no citations or anything) whether the risk is really the same for both kinds of oral, or more elevated for fellatio since there would seem to be a greater quantity of bodily fluid ingested and therefore coming into contact with the whole throat. I’m not saying cunnilingus poses no risk, but my armchair hypothesis is that it would be lower than fellatio.

              @ Heather and Artemis – That’s why I guess few people do it that way, meaning oral with a condom. It’s a sensation thing, possibly a taste thing (I wouldn’t expect unflavored latex to be pleasant to fellate), and an education thing, meaning people don’t really consider that very risky, so it’s an activity they’re more likely to engage in without barrier protection.

              I don’t know what’s commonplace or normal in today’s dating scene, but I’d heard of dental dams and knew what they were for and why they were a good idea protection-wise even back in my early 20s if not earlier (I’m 42 now), but I’ve honestly never seen one and wouldn’t have known where to get one when I might need it.

              Rationally, I know the benefits and support safe sex and all that, but in a moment where making out has progressed to having that opportunity, it would seem impolite to the point of losing the opportunity to either whip out a dental dam or ask if she had one (or we could find somewhere to get one) so I could avoid my mouth coming into direct contact with her genitals. I *want* that contact and the full sensory experience that comes with it. It would be safer with a barrier, sure, but so would using a dental dam for a regular mouth-to-mouth kiss to guard against cold sores (herpes).

              I guess it’s a risk tolerance thing, so if the risk is really larger than people realize, the education has to change. (I’m not convinced the throat cancer risk qualifies, since the numbers I saw put it at low single digits per one hundred thousand people.) It’s like, I wear my seatbelt all the time without coercion, because I’m thoroughly convinced of the safety benefits, even for short drives. If I have to roll my car from the garage to the driveway, though, I’ll leave the belt off, and knowing that “seatbelts save lives!” doesn’t alter my risk tolerance while I move the car a few feet. Barriers during oral, but especially during cunnilingus, feel to me like seatbelts in the driveway. Data could convince me I’ve been wrong, but back when it mattered, it was a risk I could tolerate.

            • tsk tsk tsk…Are you going to make me get out the pictures of people with herpes and genital warts used to scare teenagers into abstinence? Cuz I will…just watch me. ;)

            • If those pictures come from a controlled study where subjects engaged in oral sex – and only oral sex – either with or without barriers, and the barrier-free group showed a statistically significant rate of the barrier-free group contracting herpes and genitial warts (a.k.a. HPV), then it might be enough for me to reconsider my rejection of dental dams (if I was back in the dating scene).

              Without that or at least some kind of deeper analysis to suggest a clear link, it would just look like some gross pictures of diseases I’d assume people probably contracted through sex other than oral. (To continue my seatbelt analogy, it would be like showing me pictures of gruesome car wrecks on roads and highways to try to get me to alter my driveway behavior.) The links for STDs and vaginal/anal link are so clear that it’s an acceptable inconvenience (though still too much for some to accept) to use a condom to mitigate the risk, despite the clear sensory disadvantages. For oral, that link is less clear, or if it is to the scientists, they have yet to persuade a skeptical population of people having sex that it’s worth resorting to barrier methods. If the argument is strong for dental dams during cunnilingus because of herpes – isn’t it just as strong or stronger for using them for regular kissing?

              Since dental dams are foreign to my own experience, I’d be curious to hear from anyone who has actually used them – male or female. How did you (or whoever suggested it) bring up using it? How did the person who didn’t suggest it first react? Was it still so satisfying that you’d keep a supply handy? Would you kiss that same partner on the mouth, and if so, why?

            • (I guess that hypothetical study wouldn’t have to be restricted to *only* oral sex, but it would have to control for other variables to isolate the importance of oral to the overall infection rate.)

            • Um, right…I was very much making a joke about the outdated way of teaching sex-ed involved trying to scare teenagers into not having sex. I actually agree with what you have said about oral sex and protection.

            • Sorry, Heather, my irony detector was on the fritz, even when your winkie should have made it obvious to me. My bad. :)

            • No worries.

            • Gary Mundy says:

              “more elevated for fellatio since there would seem to be a greater quantity of bodily fluid ingested and therefore coming into contact with the whole throat.”

              I wonder if this is actually the case. I have only gone down on 3 women but in my experience they all produce a lot more fluid than I do. Given that the quantity of fluid greatly increases after the first 35 to 45 min of cunnilingus. The amount of fluid and the position do affect the amount that gets swallowed.
              Gary

            • Good point. It makes sense that the exposure could be similar or even greater with woman who naturally produces a lot of lube during an extended cunnilingus session, especially if comparing to fellatio generally, and not just the cases where the fellator swallows. I’m not sure how this would work into overall trends, but I’m guessing it’s a life mystery I’ll have to live with.

            • ‘Where else is it going to go?’

              Anywhere else. I would aim it for a little lower. I’m not having spunk on my face or in my mouth. I would throw up and thats not sexy

          • I’ve had girlfriends who wanted me to finish in their mouth, but who would then run to the nearest sink spit and rinse. I know this is an ego thing, completely, but that always made me feel slightly dirty – like, am I that disgusting? My favourite responses to the situation are either swallowing (obviously) or, equally as good is the option to catch it in something (tissue, towel, shoe box, whatever). This saves both participants any awkwardness, embarrassment, or issues of low-self-worth, while still being a practical and discrete solution that doesn’t detract from the sensuality of the situation. just saying :)

  5. I can’t but think about porn here (no, not like THAT!)… in porn there’s a huge focus on blowjobs, right to the final shot (ahem). Yes, there is certainly some porn where women receive oral too, but when I look at it I kind of find it unnerving.

    Why? Well, the woman’s labia is all trimmed, proper, clean, free of in-grown hairs, stubble, fuzz, and what have you. I’m just not always like that. Sure, maybe the first couple days after waxing, but then it’s just not so trim and proper. It makes me feel awkward because I know I don’t have a ‘porn-looking’ vagina, and in my mind, I guess I just assume that that’s what men are expecting when I drop my drawers.

    That said, I do like to give and receive. However, I must admit to being far more partial to giving when the BF is all cleaned up and non-smelly in the man parts region. He’s pretty good at keeping the tickle-tackle tidy, so I can’t really complain. And hey, I really liked the idea in the article about oral sex in the shower – that’s a pretty comfortable scenario!

    • i don't believe you says:

      …And we don’t have 12 inch porn looking cocks, yet still love fellatio. Just sayin’

      • Alexander says:

        Men are taught to love their junk, women are taught to shame theirs. That is the fundamental difference; we may not have 12 inch porn cock, but it’s still our cock and we’re taught to be proud of it.

        • This seems to be 100% true. We were absolutely NOT taught that.

          • NickMostly says:

            Nah, only about 60% true. Women aren’t taught to love their genitals (unless you grew up with a second-waver and received a copy of Our Bodies Ourselves for your eleventh birthday) but men aren’t taught to love our genitals either. If you don’t have at least seven inches it’s best you not let anyone know that. And what defines disgusting more than the sight of some guy’s hairy scrotum freed of its undergarments? It’s practically an internet meme.

            • Alexander says:

              I’m not saying we’re taught to love our genitalia in a healthy way, I feel like men are raised more to be arrogant about their junk. While it’s true that our culture is bent on shaming men who don’t have seemingly massive members, the real problem with that is how we define manhood, or manliness. You aren’t “more of a man” because you have “more” penis than me, although it almost feels inherent to think so.

              The other major difference is social norms. While we’ve liberal’d up in terms of expectations, we still see men as wanting, needing and deserving of pleasure and woman as beings that aren’t. While this isn’t obviously always the case and consciously many people know better, I feel it’s still lingering in the background of what we consider to be normal.

        • i don't believe you says:

          Actually we’re taught to love our junk ONLY if its a certain size.
          So as I said before a 12 inch porn cock should give men pause equivalent to Robyn’s vagina concern.

        • Actually men are taught to be insecure of their junk unless it’s a certain size, ALWAYS get’s hard when you need to…erectile dysfunction is a sign of being less of a man it seems in some bits of culture. A penis is seen as powerful and I hate that women find shame over their vulvas because they are so beautiful and most men I’ve heard talking about a vulva find it to be very beautiful + sexy. Most women I hear talking about their vulvas tend to hate it which really pisses me off and makes me sad, but I guess part of the blame is on puritan censorship and how porn had to select vulvas without the inner labia too visible in magazines for certain ratings.

          Google Labiaplasty + Hungry Beast – It’s a documentary show that goes into labiaplasty and why some women don’t like they vulvas.

    • Generally the consensus is hair around the vulva is probably better to be removed or short so someone can lick without getting hair caught in their mouth (hair above is fine). But it varies on who you are with, some people like bare, some people like lots of hair down there. Keeping the area clean is a good idea but you have to discuss it with your partner and work out what you’re willing to do and they also to work out what they will do for you in regards to grooming.

      Part of the reason porn has a lot of hairless vulva (either fully or around the vulva itself with landing patch n what not) is because many men find the look of the vulva itself extremely sexy which people should remember, don’t be disgusted by your vulvas ladies, they’re beautiful!

  6. Hmmmm….. I can’t really relate to NOT wanting to go down, because I tend to be very oral. But something that makes the difference, at least to me, is if the man wants to finish that way. If that is the case, it’s frustrating (not to mention the whole mouth full of goo, spit or swallow, etc.) and then its over. When he ceases to be aroused, he’s done. so if you want your girlfriend to go down on you, make it PART of sex, but not the whole deal. Speaking of porn (and I have not seen much), that’s the deal in the movies, right, the whole “money shot” which is she goes down until you come? well, that leaves her orgasm-less, not a nice place to be :( Also, it’s hard to say that this could be a dealbreaker, but let’s be honest, everyone has them and its best to know. Yes, cleanliness is part of it, but the poster who said that some like it some dont is dead on. i feel way better about a guy going down on me if I know it is his “thing” and he’s not doing something he thinks is yuckky just because I would like it. (like my last BF) How do you fix that? maybe you just don’t. Love means acceptance, right? And there are other qualities somebody could have that make up for not being oral. I guess :) – Catnip

    • i don't believe you says:

      Lol. Where does the idea that a great blow job to completion makes for bad sex? Ever heard of cunnilingus? How about manual stimulation? “Taking turns” is the some of the most awesomest sex that I can think of!

      • honestly, taking turns doesn’t always work. Sometimes giving oral turns me on, but I still need to be manually stimulating myself at the same time to keep myself aroused. If nothing is going on for me at all, then I’m not going to be even interested in taking my turn next. Which is okay, sometimes. I have given oral when I haven’t been interested in sex. But if that were all the time, I don’t think I would like giving oral.

        I agree with Alexa, incorporating oral into foreplay as opposed to just on its own is a good way to make oral enjoyable for everyone. (plus, blowjobs can go on FOREVER if they’re for completion. Can get quite boring even if you’re totally into it t the beginning.)

        • i don't believe you says:

          I think the idea of fellatio PRIMARILY as foreplay is an absurd standard. I can’t imagine not routinely getting fellatio to completion or giving cunnilingus to completion.

          Those are some of the best orgasms!

          • Idk, I’ve only been with my bf so I only have our experiences to compare. Both of us tend to prefer it as foreplay. Personally, I just don’t orgasm through receiving oral (only happened to me once, ever), and it felt no different from any other orgasm. And I know my bf tends to prefer sex to blowjobs. (sometimes he’s in the mood for them, but it’s really not all that common, it’s normally a part of foreplay).

            I think you’re just demonstrating the variability of sexuality. Some guys really love blowjobs (you), some guys like them sometimes, or as a part of foreplay (or even during sex, to really mix it up), some guys could take it or leave it.

            So honestly, you may think it is an absurd standard, but oral primarily as foreplay certainly isn’t an absurd standard for this couple.

    • The porn I watch has both sides using oral as foreplay. As for the money shot, some people seem to like having it in their mouth, some don’t, some like doing the money shot and some don’t. It can be quite nice n sexy when your partner allows you to ejaculate into their mouth and enjoys it but not as some stupid domination idea. But ONLY if both like it and everyone should ALWAYS warn before they’re about to ejaculate, anyone who does so without telling their partner needs a swift kick to the rear.

      • NickMostly says:

        Speaking of domination, I’m old enough (or was sexually aware at an early enough age – your pick) to remember when “doggy style” was considered degrading to women. It seems to be something of a permanent fixture of our culture: some acts will always be considered inherently “degrading” or “dominating” regardless of the willingness and attitudes of the participants involved. And when those acts have become normalized (apparently oral was more scandalous in the 60’s and 70’s) there will be something else to take their place.

        • i don't believe you says:

          Fascinating!

        • It saddens me that doggy style is dominating, I view sex acts simply from the mechanics point of view (which could be good or bad) and various styles simply allow for different angles, pressures and sensations. I have no desire to dominate a woman though I do like doggy style, blowjobs, etc. I just hope people can spot the difference between someone who wants to dominate and someone that simply likes variety.

          • I don’t know, dom/sub stuff can be fun, especially if you play that up. I don’t think people view doggy-style now as a dominating move, but I believe it is more conducive to being dominating. Some sex acts are about mechanics, but some are definitely about dom/sub things, which can be a huge turn-on, as long as both people like those things.

            I wouldn’t worry about being seen as dominating or some such. Unless you are behaving very aggressively, I don’t think that would come across. Plus, checking in afterwards, especially with new partners, helps diffuse that. If your reactions are focused on how good everything felt, then it would be immediately clear that you’re not all that interested in dominating stuff, just things that feel good.

            I think most women now view different positions for the same reasons you describe.

  7. I recommend having a conversation with her, with you approaching from the standpoint of curiosity more than judgment or dissatisfaction. Don’t have the conversation during foreplay or when one of you is naked. Talk about it when you’re both clothed and sitting down and in private. (No loud, snide comments during a wedding reception – don’t make my mistake….)

    Ask her if she could explain a little more how she thinks about fellatio, because you want to understand better, and because you want to see if there are practical things that you could do to make the experience better for her. Be sure to let her know how much you enjoy oral sex, especially how much you enjoy it with her. Do NOT bring up other women or your experiences with other women. Mention how much you enjoyed it with her in the past, and you have been noticing (from your perspective) that you don’t experience it as much as you used to with her, and you’re wondering if something has happened.

    I wonder if you both could do something transitional, for lack of a better word. Jumping right into a 69 seems a little abrupt. Perhaps hand jobs as a way to work up to blow jobs?

  8. Take a shower together and go from there…!

  9. Jeanette Ruiz says:

    Lets be real. A good relationship is not a good one without fellatio or cunninglingus. Oral sex is an intimate and selfless act. I learned this the hard way. I loved receiving but not giving. (I have a hard time swallowing vitamins ok. Plus I simply thought penises looked funny and was afraid of choking). I learned to give and enjoy oral when I discovered that my boyfriend only had loads of BJ porn on his computer. Pure BJ porn with no other sexual acts. Poor guy really wanted BJs but never spoke up for fear of sounding like an a-hole. He explained that it wasn’t about him wanting me to knell at his feet but about feeling wanted and accepted. When he went down on me he stayed for hours, until I would beg for him to stop. At times he wouldn’t even want sex afterwards. The way he loved to give oral and please me made me feel like a goddess. Why shouldn’t I do the same for him?

    • This raises a good point. Many women feel very vulnerable during fellatio, much more vulnerable than a man feels during cunnilingus. In this way the two oral activities are not quite interchangeable. For some women it feels like a very subservient, submissive, dehumanizing position to be in. For some women, fellatio seems like some sort of male power thing. The way some sexual dynamics are for some men, that’s probably true, but I think for most men it’s not about making a woman subordinate, it just feels good. If there’s kneeling involved, it’s usually a byproduct of where things line up physiologically. If you’d prefer your head was higher than his, have him lie down. If you don’t want to kneel at his feet, make him lie helplessly on his back.

      What a lot of women don’t realize is that both partners are in a vulnerable position during fellatio. The oral partner has more control over the activities than the penile partner, and is basically running the show in a lot of cases. You have a throat that can gag, but he has a penis that can be bitten off. The one with the penis is not necessarily the active, dominant partner just because his physical pleasure is central at that moment. I think if this guy’s partner felt more in control of the situation she might be more willing.

      • I think you should have written the answer to this question instead of the people who did. This was a very thoughtful and well-written response, and largely true!

      • Thank you That Guy! This is completely and totally true!

        I know it can sound totally crazy to guys, but this is exactly how I felt for a long time, without even being able to articulate it.

        Letting the woman take control is probably the best option to let her know it’s not a power thing, it’s just a feeling good thing. I highly suggest laying down with her on top so she’s in control of how deep and how fast things go.

      • I do agree, That Guy, in general. But there are a bunch of guys who hold a woman’s head and thrust, which is really horrific.

        I think men do feel vulnerable giving oral to a woman. They want to do it right, they want to please and they often feel very vulnerable in that way. I know a ton of guys who have admitted to me that they wish and hope they are good at it, and they worry about boring a woman or doing it wrong.

        • Very true about the grabbers and thrusters. You have to be considerate if you want someone to do that to you a second time. That’s not just being a good person, it’s how you increase the chance of getting more of what you like. I suspect for the grown men who do that without pre-arranging it with their partners, this thoughtlessness is just the tip of the iceberg. These are probably the guys who try spontaneous spanking and hair grabbing like they see in their favorite porn movies.

          Men often do feel vulnerable during cunnilingus, you’re right, but as you mentioned it tends to be the vulnerability of wondering how good he is at it. It feels daunting to a lot of men because the whole activity seems to require incredibly fine precision, not too much pressure, not too little, and the chance that she doesn’t like what you do at all is just a totally immobilizing, depressing possibility. But, it’s generally not feeling submissive or powerless or afraid my partner’s going to gag me, like the way some women feel. I’m guessing there are women worried about how good they are at fellatio, but I doubt that’s the main hang-up.

      • i don't believe you says:

        Great explanation, but where does this phobia of the kneeling blow job come from? In high school most of the sex play involved horizontal/and or cramped positioning. Back seats, closets, under the bleachers etc. I could see if “face humping” was the norm among teens, but it’s not.

        • “Where does this phobia of the kneeling blow job come from?”

          That Guy actually explained this pretty well. Sex is not just physiology, a vast majority of it is psychological. If not, no one would ever do dom/sub stuff. The kneeling blow job may be a physiological preference, but it definitely has power undertones. A kneeling position is one of submission (this is non-sexual too, it has to do with being lower than the person who has more power, hence bowing to monarchs and such). Women already tend to get the message that they should be submissive and receptive in a sexual relationship, as opposed to dominant, or assertive, so this just solidifies that idea. If a woman is not comfortable with being submissive, then she probably won’t prefer the kneeling blowjob.

          Plus, there’s the fact that it’s easier for the guy to just grab a woman’s head and start thrusting, which is just… Incredibly unpleasant. If you’re a submissive type, then yay! You’re probably turned on. But if not, then you just end up feeling like a sex doll, it really is dehumanizing.

          • There is at least a common idea that a BJ suggests a kneeling woman – there are jokes and comments out there about a “slutty” woman who should wear kneepads or a man who should put on kneepads if he’s going to ask his male boss for a raise. There’s a certain connection that pop culture makes between being submissive and giving head. I don’t think it’s fair or very accurate to see oral sex that way for most men, and frankly it’s hurting men’s chances of getting any, so can we please knock off that garbage? In most cases, if kneeling doesn’t feel acceptable to you, just know that it’s an unfortunate byproduct of where the mouth is located on the human body. If the belly-button was a mouth, believe me, we would have no interest in you kneeling. We would be happy to have fellatio face to face.

      • Jamie Parsons says:

        Ok well that might work, if a loving partner would ever consider her lover’s penis as vulnerable to being bitten off. Really? Oral should be a loving act or a sexual act. Don’t make it that ridiculous excuse for ‘empowerment’. Someone’s girlfriend has their penis in their mouth, do you think any guy would put it their if there was even a tiny chance of her biting it off?

  10. wellokaythen says:

    It sounds like she is doing it less than she used to. So, this is not about what women like or don’t like or how common or rare this is. The question is specific to her and to their relationship. If the frequency has declined from his point of view, what explains this decline? (If the frequency of going down is going down, so to speak) If she has always hated it, does she hate it more than she used to? Did she tolerate it before but now doesn’t?

    This is one more of those cases where no one on this site can tell you better than she can tell you herself.

    • “This is one more of those cases where no one on this site can tell you better than she can tell you herself.”

      Completely right. All we are doing is providing possible theories. Communication will get you further in a relationship than a sex advice column.

  11. my experience says:

    I can tell you that putting a lot of pressure on your partner to perform oral certainly isn’t going to help your case. If I just started seeing someone and they asked if I was going to give oral I would be pretty turned off.
    When giving oral a woman is putting herself in a far more vulnerable position than during intercourse. Many men, in their excitement, push down, thrust or even put their hands uncomfortably close to their partners neck.
    Performing oral well involves carefully timing when you inhale and exhale and being cautious not to trigger your gag reflex. It is more complicated than you might imagine. Anxiety about breathing and not hurting your partner or any other possible outcome certainly comes up. In many ways oral sex requires a very particular kind of trust. Before you seek that out better make sure you have laid the ground work.

    Oh, and one time when your partner passes gas is more than enough to turn one off of oral for life.

    • Gary Mundy says:

      “Oh, and one time when your partner passes gas is more than enough to turn one off of oral for life.”

      I am sorry but what?
      Maybe I am old but after a fair number of years experience if she doesn’t on occasionally accidentally (getting very embarrassed I hope) let some gas slip out she is not relaxed and if she isn’t truly relaxed she is not getting the full climax experience. My opinion only.

      Question. If a little gas upsets you that much what do you suggest if she ejaculates. Run from the room screaming?

  12. Alexander says:

    I know for myself, nothing makes me happier than making my girlfriend orgasm through cunnilingus. I do it as often as she’ll let me – multiple times a day, if possible – and I’m really proud of being able to do that for her. I also know I’m a rarity in this; A woman may really enjoy getting a guy off from fellatio, but she’s inherently as likely to take pride in it the same way I do as any guy, the only real difference is social norms. Women are expected to go down on a man thanks to film, porn, tv, music, etc but are not biologically predisposed to wanting to as much as a guy is wanting to for his lady.

    And the fact that the man asking initially about how to get more oral looks at cunnilingus as a “bargaining chip” says a lot about the values he holds about sex. It’s commodification of sexual acts, and I wouldn’t want to give to someone who looks at it like that anyway.

  13. This is such a tough one, and I think we’re all seeing it by the responses. You should be communicative with your girlfriend more about it, tell her that it’s something that’s you’d like. As long as you’re not a dick about it, it’s a perfectly fine thing to say. I’d bet she’ll be receptive at least. But otherwise, if you want to find a girl who loves to give blowjobs then find a girl who loves to give blowjobs, there’s many of them out there.

    I’m also a guy who also used to want to get more bjs from his gf. But once I got them I found I actually enjoy sex a lot more. I still appreciate one every once in a while though.

  14. Leroy Joseph says:

    I think the point I was trying to make above, was if something is important to you, you have a right to decide whether that is a deal breaker for you or not. For some people, if their partner cheats on them once and they find out, it’s over. That is their choice. For me, if a woman doesn’t like oral sex, it is not just that I am not getting something that I really enjoy, and to be honest I love performing cunnilingus even more than getting fellatio as there is nothing more rewarding than really pleasing your lover. When a woman doesn’t like giving or receiving oral sex, it throws up other warning bells such as maybe she is really uptight or inhibited about sex, maybe she was sexually abused as a child, maybe she is just frigid. The bottom line for me is I prefer to be with women who really like all kinds of sex. In fact, I like women who are a little wild in the sack. That is my choice.

    I was engaged to a woman once and every few months like clockwork, she would go out, have a few drinks and then sleep with another man, sometimes more than one at the same time. She was always remorseful and always truthful to me about it. I choose to stay with her even though I knew she would never be sexually exclusive with me. I did this because I loved her dearly and I knew I had a choice to accept her for who she was or I could leave. It was my choice. I never slept with anyone else all the time we were together. Why? Simply because I didn’t want to have sex with anyone but her. Again, that was my choice. We finally broke up a few years later, not because I wanted to but because she did. I recently learned that she had been sexually abused and raped by 3 of her uncles starting at the age of 5. And a few years after we split up, she had a complete mental breakdown and was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Last May, I flew 1000 miles to spend a week with her and our 27 year old daughter at a hospice where my ex was dying of cancer. It had been almost 30 years since we had split up, but I still loved her dearly and she died a few days after I had to go home to California. Yeah, she had sex with other men when we were together. I didn’t particularly like it at the time, but I accepted it because I loved her and chose to stay with her. Now knowing her past abuse and mental illness, was she really in control of her actions? Probably not. But I wouldn’t trade a second of the years I spent with her for anything. Monogamy doesn’t mean people are happy or even love each other.

    So to reiterate to Alice, if I start a new relationship and the woman doesn’t like giving head or me eating her, it is my choice whether I want to continue the relationship or not. And over the years, it has been my experience that the best relationships I’ve ever had were with women who loved to give and receive oral sex and the shittiest relationships were with the ones who didn’t like it. I don’t necessarily believe in coincidences.

    So She Said He Said, as Artemas suggested you might be able with some finesse and patience make a convert out of your GF and change her mind like Artemas did, but then again, she might never like oral sex. What you decide to do about it is your choice and your business. Good luck!

    • Joanna Schroeder says:

      Wow, Leroy. What a moving story.

      I’ve noticed your comments lately and they are all exceptional. Thanks so much for your thoughts and your words. You’re adding a lot to our community.

      • Leroy Joseph says:

        Thanks, Joanna. As I get older I have learned to just tell it like it is when it comes to how I feel about things. There will always be someone who agrees with my POV and someone that doesn’t, but that is what makes these kinds of discussions interesting. At 57, I have had quite a few experiences in my life including 3 marriages. #3 has turned out to be the lucky number and my wife and I have an incredible relationship. We can talk to each other about everything including our past experiences and deepest most secret fantasies. It seems to make us closer the more honest and open we become with each other. She is 50 and I think she is the sexiest most beautiful woman on the planet. We have managed to nearly eliminate jealousy and possessiveness from our lives which is a much better than living in constant fear that your spouse might cheat on you. I guess we are moving more towards the compersion model in our relationship. Right now, we are pretty content with each other, but if my wife met someone and wanted to pursue a sexual experience with that person, it would be with my blessing. The #1 rule in our relationship is complete honesty with each other.

        • Joanna Schroeder says:

          Awesome.

          Hey, I shot you an email earlier, but in case you didn’t get it, would you email me at joanna @ goodmenproject.com ?

          Thanks, Leroy!

  15. Wow Leroy that was an awesome post.

  16. 90 comments, and I’m still not sure that even one of them actually answered the question for this guy.

    First off, from the email it appears that the girl has given oral sometime in the past, so that means she’s not completely opposed to it. The first thing the OP should do is ask the girlfriend what was different during the times she was willing to give oral versus the times she wasn’t. Then he needs to shut up and LISTEN! Chances are the girl won’t give the full answer in her words, but the subtext will probably reveal a lot. My guess is the answer will fall into one of two camps: 1) OP did something in the past that turned his girlfriend off to the idea of oral sex or 2) girlfriend just isn’t as excited about OP as she used to be, and the lack of oral sex is a subconscious way of projecting that lack of excitement.

    If the problem is number 2, then he just needs to be a better boyfriend. How he’d go about doing that is well beyond the scope of this article.

    If the problem is number 1, then he needs to go back to square one. Cleanliness is important, but not worth the 800+ words the authors wasted on the response. Two words: “Shower daily.” That will cover it 90% of the time. If she’s hyper-sensitive to smells, then just shower before sex.

    Beyond cleanliness, oral sex is mostly a matter of the girl being comfortable with a guy’s penis being somewhere in or on her body other than her vagina. Ask her to touch your penis, to hold it, then to massage it. Then teach her how to give a proper handjob. Trim the area around your penis and encourage her to kiss you on your chest, your stomach, and in your genital area. Have her kiss your penis, then work her way up to a full bj by only taking the tip of it into her mouth at first before moving her way up to taking on the whole thing. Some women will prefer to start with a flaccid penis first before working up to a raging hard-on.

    All of this should be done over several sex sessions. If I were starting here, I would expect it to be a full month to six weeks before I was receiving regular blowjobs again.

    Some key points: 1) It really helps if you’re in decent shape. A woman will still love you if you’re fat, hairy, and out of shape… but she’ll be more hesitant to go down on you. 2) If the woman objects at any point, simply stop what you’re doing, address her concerns, and come back to it another time. The key is to be persistent, but not pushy or needy. 3) Only talk about sex when she’s fully satisfied sexually, and focus only on one concern at a time. Long drawn-out discussions about sex are immensely counter-productive.

    Or you could just skip all this and focus on becoming really good at pleasuring her. If you can make your woman orgasm unlike she ever has before, then you can literally stick your dick in her face and say, “Suck it,” and she’ll comply. The GMPers will object, but I’m guessing the OP isn’t interested in political discussions, he probably just wants to know what works.

    • Joanna Schroeder says:

      That was quite an answer, DD!! Awesome. Eli and I may need to call you in to be our sex advisor for SSHS ;)

      I must say that although we did both talk a lot about cleanliness, Eli especially gave some attention to the things you’re mentioning here.

      My favorite part of your post, however, is the idea of her slowly re-introducing the idea of the BJ with less pressure to “complete” the BJ or do it “fully”. We answered a question like that in another post from our blog called Banana Gagger (nice title, huh).

      http://www.shesaidhesaid.me/post/11826486158/banana-gagger

      Someday I may email you and ask your permission to quote you in a future SSHS!

    • I like this post. :) Yay communication! Also: “If you can make your woman orgasm unlike she ever has before, then you can literally stick your dick in her face and say, “Suck it,” and she’ll comply.” This made me laugh. It really is true though. Though I don’t know how I would react to such an approach… yeah, actually that would probably work for me. Not all the time, but it is true that having a giving partner makes a person really enthusiastic about any kind of sex.

  17. wellokaythen says:

    I’ll give you the standard SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy) answer, whether I believe it or not. The easiest cliché answer is that she may not feel as close to you as she used to, because she’s not feeling the intimacy that she had earlier in the relationship. So, sex with you is a little harder for her to get into the mood for when the emotional connection seems to be lacking, and oral sex for her seems distant or mechanical or vulnerable for her, at a time when what she most needs is something more emotionally intimate. When she feels more intimate, more emotionally supported, she will probably feel more open to sex in general and oral sex in particular.

    I’m surprised no one brought up the standard “more intimacy!” response.

  18. I wish that I’d gotten into this conversation earlier. I’m sure most of the asker’s questions have been answered by now, but it seems like a good place to talk about oral sex in general. Most importantly–BE A GOOD RECEIVER. A few anecdotes and advice from a female perspective (both personal and as heard from guys):

    One of the first times I ever gave a blow job, my boyfriend did the grab my head and thrust into my throat thing (mentioned above). Since we’d just eaten, I threw up all over his dick. He wasn’t trying to be an asshole or degrade me. It was probably simply something that he’d seen in porn–but it was scary and humiliating at first. Had he not been such a good and understanding guy, I might have have ended up finding oral sex terrifying for a long time. It wasn’t selfish that he wanted a blow job. It wasn’t even selfish that he grabbed my head and thrust so hard–just somewhat ignorant. He cleaned himself up, apologized, gave me a big hug, and assured me that we were good. More and better blow jobs for him. Positive feedback and moaning is also great if you want more good oral sex. Just as it was said above that many men love seeing a woman orgasm, many women get really turned on by knowing that a guy is actually enjoying himself.

    I can’t relate to the male hygiene thing too much, because when I’m with a guy I like or love, I really enjoy the tastes and smells of his nether regions, even (or especially) if he’s had a long day without showering. I can see how that’s a thing for many women, though. It’s definitely better to err on the side of caution, especially early on in a relationship.

    One thing that I’m surprised wasn’t mentioned earlier is lasting too long. I had a very good friend in college tell me a story abut how he’d brought gorgeous blonde on whom he had a crush for a long time home. She started giving him oral. He’d been drinking that night and had been watching too much porn recently (I’m not blaming porn–these were his words). An hour later, he simply couldn’t cum. They had an awkward and annoyed goodbye. I saw her at a party later and she looked nervous and avoided him. He also complained that she stopped answering his calls. It’s a silly reason to avoid a relationship,but the idea of having to take 2 hours out of your days to give blow jobs or feeling like you’re not sexy enough to make your own boyfriend cum–not appealing. I once dated a guy who had previously bragged about how long he could last. He made an effort to prove it…every time. Oral sex is sexy. We all agree on this one. Yet, after a long while, it starts to hurt and become uncomfortable. Sure, when a guy finishes in a minute, I feel a little jipped out of the enjoyment, but after an hour or so…I probably just want a glass of water, a cough drop, and a nap.

    Don’t try to prove anything when you’re receiving oral. She’s trying to make you feel good. Let her. If you naturally tend to take a very long time to finish, keep up the positive reinforcment and be ok with changing things up a bit–whether it’s a change of position, some PIV, self-stimulation, or touching her.

    Additionally: Be respectful. Don’t spread stories (good or bad) to the wrong people. I once had a rumor come back to me that I gave great head. Guess what I didn’t do for a little while? Have a good sense of humor too, since oral sex isn’t always going to be the perfect fantasy you imagine. If she has to pick a pubic hair out of her teeth or burps while you’re cuming (I’m using these specific examples because they’ve happened to me), the best thing to do is acknowledge it and laugh a little. Don’t mention how your ex or that girl in porn gives oral. If you’re trying to neg a 19-year-old into a one night stand–sure, that’s fine. Just keep in mind that there’s such a thing as a fragile female ego too, and if you’re looking to continue receiving oral in a long term relationship, be a good guy about it. Cheers to good head.

  19. Jamie Parsons says:

    Communicate with HER. Don’t go asking random people on the internet. Communication and trust are the most important aspects of your relationship. Ask her about it and get her to think and if it really discomforts her, as in to the point of tears, then maybe you should consider respecting her needs and boundaries instead of pushing your wants on her, especially if she is the woman of your dreams in every other way.

  20. Howdy! I know this is kind of off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I could find a captcha plugin for my
    comment form? I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having problems finding one?
    Thanks a lot!

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