Safely, Jamie Utt writes.
I was raised in a Catholic household and Catholic community where it was preached that sex (in any form) should not exist outside of marriage and that anything relating to sex outside of Marriage should be treated with shame.
I take a very different tact. Sex is one of the most beautiful, complex, and vital aspects of human existence (and I suspect that those that preach abstinence until marriage only would agree with me). As such, we should experience as much of it as possible so long as we are responsible.
In my opinion and experience, sex is best experienced within a committed relationship where two people have agreed to be exclusive with one another and to explore their sexualities together. This doesn’t have to be within marriage. However, in my opinion, relationships should not exist solely to provide a means for sex. Relationships should be a beautiful tapestry—of which sex is one piece. And within that relationship, sex should only exist with an incredible amount of communication. The communication should be about when people are ready for different stages of sex, what people like and dislike in sex, and at the core of all this communication should be consent. Our society talks about and does consent VERY poorly (which is why we have such a high rate of sexual violence).
I very much respect my friend who runs The Consensual Project, which I encourage you to check out. I have learned the most about myself and about sex when I have committed myself to a partner and where we have communicated extensively as we explored each other and our sexuality together.
Sex, though, doesn’t always (and perhaps shouldn’t always) exist in a relationship. Masturbation, for instance, is one aspect of sex that people should experience and not be ashamed of. It is natural, and it helps you to understand your body and your likes and dislikes. That being said, porn and masturbation are often linked, and in my opinion, porn tends to be a very destructive thing. Unfortunately, porn is usually created by men for men, and as such, tends to be really sexist and gives men unhealthy understandings of sex and relationships. I really like the approach of MakeLoveNotPorn. They help people to understand that porn is not sex that we should replicate in our relationships (at least not necessarily). That being said, don’t be ashamed if you have used or do use porn. There is even Feminist Porn out there, though it can be tough to find. It is natural to want to explore porn. Just remember that it is not often a healthy depiction of sex or relationships.
Also, sex can and often does exist outside of committed relationships. I would be lying if I said that I have only explored sexuality in a committed relationship. Sex outside of committed relationships can be a great way to connect with another person on a unique level, it can be fun, and it can be another great way to come to know oneself and one’s like and dislikes. There are risks in sex outside of committed relationships (like there are risks to sex inside of committed relationships). That is why sex, both in and outside of committed relationships, should be approached with a mind to safety. It should be safe with regards to the use of birth control and Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI) prevention, but it should also be safe with regards to consent. I cannot stress enough how much consent needs to be a part of sex, particularly as people are first getting to know each other and don’t know what the other person is as comfortable with or what they like or dislike.
Growing up Catholic, I also had drilled into me that sex should only occur between a man and a woman. However, I understand sexual attraction much the same way that researcher Alfred Kinsey understands sexual attraction: It is a scale. Some people (though few) are only attracted to one gender. Most people, though, are attracted to many genders. This is OK! This is natural. (There are over 500 species in which homosexuality is found.) If part of your sexual exploration means exploring with people of different genders, that is great and nothing to be ashamed of (so long, again, as it is safe).
Lastly, I think that people should wait to experience sex for as long as possible, and as they feel comfortable. That’s why if people wait for marriage, that is totally great, and there’s not necessarily anything wrong with that. Sex, for better or for worse, comes with a lot of adult responsibilities (potential for babies and STIs and the connection between sex and one’s very complicated human emotions), and as such, people should try to experience sex once they know they are ready for those responsibilities. Also, the first time someone has sex, it is best (again) when experienced in a committed, loving relationship.
Originally appeared at Change From Within.
About Jamie Utt
This article is well written and I don’t think Jamie says one thing I would disagree with. Should the occasion occur that I actually ever do have sex again, I would love for it to be within the context of a healthy committed relationship. However, here is the problem I have with that idea (and the article): I don’t know any MEN—that’s correct, not one—who hold this view of sex. In fact, it feels like quite the opposite. Look at Jackie’s article a few days ago as an example (BTW, women would love sex AND a sandwich too buddy). For people like me who are 30– to –40 something, divorced and have a kid or two, it is bewildering out here. I don’t know what rules apply any longer or what sex and intimacy mean to men. So here are the issues that I would like to have seen addressed:
1. There is still very much a double standard for women when it comes to sex. I grew-up Catholic as well and I was able to let go of much of the dogma around “wait until your married,” but men still view women who have sex too quickly as easy. All of the men I have spoken with admitted they would never consider a woman for a serious relationship if they perceived her as “giving it up” too quickly (I do a good deal of qualitative research for a living on relational issues). The irony is these guys are still trying to “get it” as quickly as possible. Men have told me that they are calculating from the first moment they meet a woman if they will get sex, how long it is going to take, and basically just never stop thinking about getting sex until it happens or they get “walking papers.” Several men have told me, literally, “It is a numbers game. If you approach enough women, you are bound to get lucky.” Yet, they want women to set the pace and guard our vaginas. The messages are very mixed. I don’t fully understand to be honest.
2. When I say people are moving quickly out here sexually, I am not joking. Seriously. People are hooking up all of the time (especially when alcohol is involved), have established friends with benefits relationships, and/or are having extra-marital affairs, etc. I did a few of the popular dating sites and guys weren’t even waiting until the first date to get sexual—they wanted to sext, send pictures…you name it, they were asking for it. If that didn’t occur and we actually made it to a first date, they were looking for sex then too. The pressure is pretty darn intense. I started feeling like I was being rude by not screwing these guys right away—is that insane or what?
3. So, you might be thinking, ok, well, if I want something more meaningful, that is my choice and I just don’t have sex, right? But I get hit on all of the time (and I don’t want to be rude –just kidding, kind of) and more importantly, I’m horny! So not only am I dealing with a) if I have sex too quickly this guy might think I’m a total slut and not want to see me anymore or he might only want to see more for sex; b) if I hold out too long I might die from a mysterious lack–O’–orgasm syndrome I’ve heard about and besides, I’m an adult, self-actualized woman for God’s sake—why operate by out-dated stereotypes of sexually promiscuous women? I was a Women’s Studies minor–I can screw whenever I darn well feel like it; c) what if there is a chance the nuns were correct and I might just in fact go to hell for this; d) he seems great and it seems like the right time, but what if I’m wrong—how do I know he is interested in me for more than just sex? e) what if I like it and want to do it all of the time, but he doesn’t—or what if I like him and he doesn’t call or want to see me again after we do this? But, I also have to fight against my own normal bodily urges to be touched and all of the rest of it that is so f’ing great when it’s right…and is pretty darn crappy when it’s not.
So, take these points along with the other “risks” Jamie identified and I’m curious, is there anyone who can tell me when it is worth the risk? In the meantime, I’ve decided to pretty much close up shop—take a sabbatical from dating and having to even think about making decisions about sex. It has been several months now and I must admit life is much less complicated, but I am incredibly thankful for free internet porn.
Boy, do I hear you! I don’t have any answers. My personal rule is that I will never have immediate casual sex with a guy if I think I might want to see him again. I feel it’s better to wait a little bit rather than risk sleeping with him too soon and be permanently allocated to the “casual slut/bootie call” category in his mind. I realize not every guy views women that way, but you don’t know what kind of a guy he is until it’s too late. Unfortunately, it seems like a lot of guys do expect immediate sex and will never call again if you express any reluctance to sleep with them. On the other hand, if you do sleep with them, they lose all respect for you. Sadly, I love sex and it is hard for me to say no if I like a guy, honestly. If I could have sex without worrying about being labelled a slut by him or others, I’d have a lot more sex. But I’ve learned that I really don’t enjoy casual hookups that much because of the emotional hangover that results from feeling disrespected afterwards. I gave up in dating for quite awhile, like you. I finally found someone when I was 42. We dated for 3 months before having sex, if you can believe it! We both wanted to take it slow. You have to look past the flashy guys and the players, and try to find the good guys – they are out there, but harder to spot.
I realize not all women feel the way I do, and there are plenty of women out there who have casual sex all the time and don’t worry about the slut label. Also I know there are happy couples who had sex on the first date. I’m only speaking for myself and my own experiences. I tend to get emotionally attached to guys I have sex with, so hookups don’t do much for me, I’ve learned.
I don’t agree with the approach, but I can explain it to you. Basically these guys you’re encountering are like adolescents. They want to push boundaries, but if you as a teacher or parent (or other adult in their lives) let them have their way, they lose all respect for you. They don’t want to be treated like adults. They want to be treated like children, so they can do whatever they want and leave it up to someone else to be the “bad cop” and tell them to stay in line. Same deal with boundaries for sex. Why should the woman in a het relationship be the gatekeeper? Because the man in the het relationship doesn’t want that responsibility.
In terms of the double standard, it comes from this whole madonna-whore complex many het men have regarding women. They think there are two types of women—easy girls and good girls. The easy girls these men still want to sleep with and have fun with. And then they want the good girl to marry and take home to their parents. Classic have your cake and eat it too.
It’s a bit hypocritical lamenting the notion that many men have a madonna-whore complex while at the same time pushing the notion that men are immature children.
Quite often I’ve noticed among heterosexuals is that if one has a specific notion of how the opposite sex are then one tend to end up with partners who adheres to that notion. Hence it would be smart to not consider men to be simple immature creatures/brutes or women to be either whore or madonna.
How is that hypocritical? The two go hand in hand, actually. Men who have a madonna-whore complex are, in fact, acting like immature children. Men who don’t have it, aren’t. Or do you consider it mature to have a madonna-whore complex? Please explain this supposed “hypocrisy.”
Perhaps I read you too harshly, but I read you to say that most men are immature and hence most men have a whore-madonna complex. If one believes that most men are immature one will tend to interpret most mens actions/words accordingly. Hypocritical is probably not the right word for this though, and I can’t think of a word which does.
We do agree that having a whore-madonna complex is a bad thing.
Generally (as in not specific for you A.Y.Siu) I’ve also noticed that the whore-madonna complex is not a misconception only held by men. Even many who complain about men’s madonna-whore complex falls into the same traps themselves. Many of the arguments of some anti-porn/anti-sex works feminists falls straight into a whore-madonna paradigm. For instance the argument that there is no “happy hooker” falls squarely within a whore-madonna frameset.
Why should the woman in a het relationship be the gatekeeper? Because the man in the het relationship doesn’t want that responsibility.
Is it that they don’t want it or that the way gender roles play out men are taught that such responsibility is impossible for them to have because of the whole “slaves to sexual lust” thing?
But there is some truth to what you say (I mean look at how women are capable of doing the exact same thing, pushing boundaries to see how deeply they can dig their heels into a guy’s back when the walk all over him).
Your analysis of what motivates men could be very accurate in the aggregate. I’m quite similar to these men you are describing, so I can’t contradict you there.
But, I wonder about the women that these men are having casual sex with. Some of those women are hoping for a more long-term relationship with those men, but are all women like that? There are clearly some women who are hooking up with men without the goal of a long-term relationship. It takes two to have a friends-with-benefits relationship.
I’m guessing you’re mostly talking about single men here. The guys who are interested in a long-term exclusive relationship are much more likely to be out of the dating pool, so of course the sample is going to have a disproportionate number of men who don’t want those things. Those looking for casual sex will “circulate” through the marketplace much more than the domesticated men do.
@Stacey – I can only speak for myself, as the guy that is me. But: ever since a difficult relationship in highschool, I’ve always understood that sex felt truly empty (very physically fun, but empty) without connection with the person I was with. My current fiancee slept with as many people as I did, before we got together. But one thing that troubled me for a long time was that she had slept with a guy (that she didn’t much care about) for about a month when she was very depressed. I understand why it happened, and it’s not a problem anymore, but the reason why it upset me wasn’t that I thought she was a “slut” or that I had some sort of whore/madonna complex. It was just that I really *needed* to know that sex meant as much to her as it does to me. Or else, when we were together, I’d be giving myself, and she’d be just, you know, having fun. Which I couldn’t do. Just my own story, but I do want to argue a bit against the idea that men who object to a large number of sexual affairs in women’s pasts are always doing this because of sexist double-standards. Sometimes they definitely are, no doubt, but in other cases they may be trying to find someone who feels just like they do (i.e. joyous, intimate, happy, exclusive, loving, tender and committed) when making love. Just my two cents.
1. There is still very much a double standard for women when it comes to sex. I grew-up Catholic as well and I was able to let go of much of the dogma around “wait until your married,” but men still view women who have sex too quickly as easy. All of the men I have spoken with admitted they would never consider a woman for a serious relationship if they perceived her as “giving it up” too quickly (I do a good deal of qualitative research for a living on relational issues). The irony is these guys are still trying to “get it” as quickly as possible. Men have told me that they are calculating from the first moment they meet a woman if they will get sex, how long it is going to take, and basically just never stop thinking about getting sex until it happens or they get “walking papers.” Several men have told me, literally, “It is a numbers game. If you approach enough women, you are bound to get lucky.” Yet, they want women to set the pace and guard our vaginas. The messages are very mixed. I don’t fully understand to be honest.
Its the result of men being fed the message that we must amass as much sexual experience as possible before finding “the one”. For men sexual experience is still regarded as a major part of being a man (and the equation says that the more partners one has the more experiece one has thus making him more of a “real man”).
Well in order for men to gain this sexual experience it has to come from somewhere right? And in the pursit of racking up this experience the women they have sex with are regarded more like training exercises for “the one”.
Mind you I’m saying this from the angle of a guy whose sexual history consists of one instance of performing oral sex on a woman. You’d be surprised how oddly people react at the idea that a guy can make it past the age of 18 without having sex.
Wow Danny, I have to say, I thought I was the only person past 18 with only one sexual experience which involved the exact same thing as you! It’s like we’re brothers! Well you’ve proven to me that you’re good enough to give without demanding to receive, which is something cool in my book.
Also to original comment. Don’t make generalizations, End. of. story. Everything you said I can apply to women too. All I’m looking for is commitment, and that’s what I won’t get. I’ve given up on hookups because I’m not attractive enough. So you know, be happy to have options, and keep on trying. Don’t give up because some people you meet aren’t what you hope for. It’s unfair to ask men to shoulder the burden because you haven’t found anybody or aren’t willing to look hard enough. I don’t blame all women for my lack of anything.
Seriously? This whole thing again. This is a “where are all the good guys” argument rehashed. It’s generalizing, callous, and oversimplified.
An interesting piece and there isn’t much for me to disagree with here. I do think that sex education needs to be a part of all middle and high school student’s lives and messages like this, that sex is good and healthy, but takes responsibility are key. Thanks for linking the Consensual Project. That’s great stuff.
This well thought out
Thanks for the great post Jamie!
Plots of data using the Kinsey scale tend to be highly skewed. The majority of the data points cluster around exclusively hetero or nearly so. Just because there is a continuum doesnt mean that the data are equally distributed across it. I agree that the continuum exists but to conclude that few people are exclusively heterosexual (or nearly so) is a serious misinterpretation of the data.
Synopses of many studies available here:
http://www.iub.edu/~kinsey/resources/bib-homoprev.html
I imply no value judgement on people who exist on any point on the scale.
What I love about this discussion is the way that it points to the need for men to be having more conversations with men about what sex can, does, and should look like. In reading Stacey and Jill’s comments, it is evident that men need to be holding each other more accountable to a more positive, uplifting, and feminist form of sexuality.
When I wrote this piece, it was originally a letter to a high school student who had asked me about my views on sex. He came from a conservative, religious community that taught him that sex should only exist within the context of marriage. I hoped to show him that there are many other contexts in which sex can exist healthily.
” it is evident that men need to be holding each other more accountable to a more positive, uplifting, and feminist form of sexuality.”
Evident to whom? The last thing men need to do is to embrace a feminist form of anything.
excellent! agreed all around.
@Beren–Interesting point, and I completely understand it and the fear that comes with facing a large number of past partners, whether you’re a man or a woman–that it can have little to do with sexism or a complex and more to do with your own insecurities. I understand needing to know that sex is special between you two. Have you considered that just because sex was not special for her with that guy, it doesn’t mean that it’s not special with you? While there are certainly people all along the spectrum of taking sex seriously and not, for a lot, it’s not that static or simple. It changes throughout life and with different people. I think a lot of people don’t take that into account. For example, I’ve had sex that was just for fun and that’s it. Yet, with the right person, it really is special, and unlike anything else. My own partner has had his share of ‘unspecial’ sex, but he tells (and shows) me every day just how incredible and special it is with me. Congratulations to you and your fiancee. Best of luck!
The greater number of sex partners, the greater the risk of certain cancers.