How to Lose a Guy…Forever

Raymond Bechard discusses the trend of current relationships and the top 15 reasons why they just won’t work out.


I was talking to a guy installing carpet in a friend’s home the other day. For some reason, he asked my advice on whether or not he should have a surprise birthday party for his girlfriend. “She’s hitting the big 4-0, so I don’t know if she wants to celebrate it or ignore it,” he said. That made sense, some people would rather not draw attention to birthdays ending in zeros. So I asked him a simple question, “Is she a positive person? You know, does she usually look on the bright side of things?”

His face immediately lit up as he reached for his phone. “Take a look at her face and you’ll know.” He held up the phone with the beaming photo of his girlfriend, who looked no more than 27, tops. As he showed me her picture, he said the five best words I have ever heard to describe a relationship that is working – at least from a man’s perspective, “She makes every day better.”

It doesn’t get any simpler than that. I’ve heard men talk about relationships and girlfriends, what they like and don’t like, what they want and don’t want, what drives them nuts, and even what hurts them. But, I’ve never heard it put better than those five words.

“She makes every day better.” In all honesty, that is what every man wants. If he is fortunate enough to find a lady who understands that concept and loves him enough to stand by him – as he does with her – to make every day better, then he should move heaven and earth to spend the rest of his life with her and prove himself worthy.

It’s too bad though. That kind of love doesn’t seem to be in vogue these days. Today, relationships seem to have evolved into some kind of adversarial competition where every action or inaction is tallied in an unending scorecard leading to the eventual defeat – or death – of the relationship itself. It’s no longer fashionable to look at romantic relationships as something precious, a beautiful organism that must be cherished if it is to thrive – or even survive – long term.

It’s futile to fight this powerful trend. So ladies, in order to stay current here are some guaranteed tips for losing a guy forever. By the way, these can be used by men as well, but that’s another article for another day.


#1 – Don’t learn what emotional intimacy is.

Forget what psychologist Malini Shah says, “Emotional intimacy is a feeling of close personal association and belonging. It’s a familiar connect formed through shared knowledge of each other and experience.” That would mean taking the time to find a man with whom you can build trust and be yourself. Worst of all it would mean not just accepting him for who he is, but celebrating who he is.

#2 – Don’t respect him.

Even if he deserves your respect, do not, under any circumstances show him the kind of respect you want and need. Don’t value him. Don’t listen. Don’t consider his priorities or concerns. Make sure he feels your life would be much better if he weren’t in it. On the other hand, if he truly doesn’t deserve your respect, leave him. Leave him now. And if he doesn’t respect you then he doesn’t deserve yours. Again, leave.

#3 – Don’t like him.

Sure, you love him, but do you like him? Never forget he’s probably closer to you than anyone else in his life so it’s your responsibility to make sure he doesn’t get out of line. If you want to make sure he’s unhappy and dwindling away inside, show him you don’t like him.

#4 – Complain about him.

Believe it or not (and lots of men will get mad at me for revealing this to you) most of us look to the women in our lives, or the woman closest to us, to determine how we feel about ourselves. Make sure he knows you are keeping score against him by openly expecting him to screw up. Tell all your friends what a loser he is and never, ever genuinely praise him.

#5 – Judge him.

If you want him to stop being open and honest, or if you just want him to start hiding things from you, make sure you judge him negatively every chance you get. If you can’t find anything negative that is even remotely valid, just make something up. Do anything to keep him on the defensive. Remember, every day brings new opportunities to find new faults in him.

#6 – Don’t trust him.

He’s a guy – don’t trust him – no matter how trustworthy, honest, reliable or loyal he actually proves himself to be. Of course, if he truly can’t or shouldn’t be trusted, leave the jerk. No excuses. You will never have emotional intimacy if there is no chance of mutual trust.

#7 – Blame him.

If you’re divorced, blame him. If your last boyfriend treated you badly, blame him. If you’re children aren’t behaving, blame him. Take all your anger, frustration, fears and insecurities and place them squarely on the doorstep of his life. Whatever negative feelings or experiences you are having, he should be punished for it.

Next: “Stay angry.”

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About Raymond Bechard

Raymond Bechard is an Author, Speaker and Human Rights Advocate. He has worked against injustice and for the freedom of all people for over twenty years. He often advises social justice organizations in their mission to bring hope and encouragement to the world. Among other writings he is the author of the recently published book, "The Berlin Turnpike: A True Story of Human Trafficking in America." Bechard also began Men Against Prostitution And Trafficking, the first anti-human trafficking Political Action Committee in America.


  1. I have to say that I read both this and the accompanying article and found them helpful. What I really appreciate was the recommendation of the Travis McGee books. I bought the first one last night and have absolutely devoured it. I’ll be reading a lot more of the series this summer.

  2. Michelle says:

    I enjoyed this article. It is good to remember that, even though society tells us men are unfeeling sex machines, they want to be loved, comforted, and cared for. Men have the right to need, and it’s good to see a reminder.

  3. Sometimes you love and the love dont back..The worst life is when youre love is unilateral and that your wife think that heR love is real but dont exist in true..She give nothing to her husband, no sex, no attention, but think that the love must be like that, without love’s proufs..Theres some men who lives very sad life and dont wanna sex with other girls cuse they love her wife, but the day where they realised that they have a fuckin bad life and that they lose about 10years of there life to wait for refind a true starting love, they’re seeing too that they cant leave without her…im in this situation and keep alone on a false relationship with an unilateral love without sex since about 3month..And have to maried in few month..Saadi the sad frenchboy..

  4. This writer doesnt have a pure love life…

  5. Its an interesting list…..I especially liked the opening about genuinely “enjoying” one another. Although I think that sometimes articles are a slice of an individuals learned experiences and perspectives…as are most things. I haven’t experienced much of the above because I don’t like or value the thought of a partner being a thing or project, to me.
    That said, all of the above are worth thinking about in any relationship, including parent/child.

  6. Mat Bodhi Bryan says:

    Wow… have you been following my love life around? STALKER… I am getting a restraining order.

    Seriously though… I would have to say that many of these caused the end of my marriage and the 3 relationships that I have had since my divorce 7 years ago. Which is one reason I am choosing to remain single… or nothing serious.
    I am not missing out on anything spectacular…

  7. It’s a nice article 🙂
    I actually got confused for a min 😛

  8. Finally an article in the opposite perspective – not about guys always being the ones that fuck up and what they need to do to make it all right.

  9. I needed to hear this! Thanks for a great post!

  10. So basically just stay in the kitchen and keep our mouths shut? Right.

    • Uhm… How did you come to the conclusion that THAT was what the article said? In fact, I think you need to read it again. This is not about not speaking your mind or not saying anything, it was about not doing it just to do it. And if you choose to display your doubts or express your feelings in the manner described, not only will you loose your partner, but you’ll definitely make sure that they don’t listen to anything you’re trying to tell them and that you don’t motivate them to change anything. You need to respect yourself, your partner and your relationship enough to talk about these things in a respectful and serious manner, instead of in a hostile, defensive way. You wouldn’t listen to anyone in a constructive way if they expressed themselves that way, so why would you think that it is okay for you to behave like that yourself?

      People need to grow up and take their relationships seriously enough to behave lake adults instead of teenagers.

      – Ditte

  11. I really like this short and simple article. It is nice to see something positive for men on the internet. After going through some different kinds of relationships myself, I can really agree with the things that you have listed. They are definitely major issues that can utterly ruin, beyond repair, any relationship.
    Some women to understand and accept that men are human as well and nobody can, nor should try to, live up to unreasonable standards. After all if a guy does this he can be called emotionally abusive. What about a girl who does these things?
    I believe that although there are differences between the sexes, that it has become an excuse to say that “women are made that way” or “that’s just how guys are.”
    To me it seems,more often than not, that maybe one or both partners should grow up and act more maturely.

    • I agree that stereotypes keep people stuck. NO one would like to be treated like the above. If we tried to treat each other, simply as we “want” to be treated, it would be a lot simpler and kinder. 🙂

  12. Rachel L says:

    This is a good article but I wish it were written in positives. 1) Learn what emotional intimacy is. 2) Respect him. Etc.
    As a journalist, I felt this was needlessly confusing. Especially because the beginning was so positive and the message was on point.

    • Michael Rowe says:

      “Confusing?” Really> What was confusing about it? “If you do this, you’ll lose him.” Was that unfairly complicated language, to you suppose…?

    • I agree to the comment above saying the article should have been written in positive. I have up reading halfway through because it just became a chore to read. Utter nonsense! There was even a part where the author wrote ‘you’re’ where it should in fact be ‘your’ (that’s where I gave up).

    • Forrest Akin says:


  13. This show men women do not respect each other. I was reading the one just written for women and I see the same animosity from the men…

  14. I love how the first 2 comments were the absolute prime example of what this guy is talking about LOL way to go girls, walked right into that one.

  15. Judging by the comments left by the women I think we can safely say that #11 is in full effect.

  16. Alexander says:

    Does this Article comes in Chinese?

  17. Jennifer G. says:

    Some of these articles are so good, makes me wish that they were printed, bound into a book and taught to girls and guys. Find the man who wants to make your every day better and do the same for him.

    There is one thing I would add: If you are a couple, a team, protect it. If he is accused of something, you stand by him, saying nothing. He is your partner in the great dance and unless and until it is proven beyond any doubt that he has done a wrong, be at his side. And never, ever feel as though you must explain this to anyone. You two are one. Or would be, if you cherish, love and respect him.

  18. Where is the second part of the article?” The top 15 reasons why relationship just won’t work out>>>How to lose the girl Forever”.
    Overall, all 15 reasons written in the same manner as seven deadly sins. Lets write what was 100000 times written and make it unique:)))

    • Michael Rowe says:

      Yeah, actually, Tatiana….there are about 700,000 of those articles out there at any given point. This isn’t Cosmo, after all—maybe it’s OK, even useful, for women to read this sort of thing every once in awhile without complaining how it’s not about them for once. Just….once?

  19. Dina Strange says:

    Since it says “Speak your mind” i gotta say this. From the first 3 sentences the only thing i could think of was “cheesy”…Cheesy heading, cheesy words, cheesy everything.

  20. I’m happy to say I do not follow the current trend. But in order for all these positive behaviors to work, and to have a cherished relationship that lasts, a woman needs a man who also makes her feel the same way. That makes her life better & happier. That appreciates her & makes effort to nurture the relationship. Too often women put all the work in nurturing a relationship & then end up feeling unloved & unimportant & then leave.

  21. This is usually not very apparent but one of the biggest flaws in male/female relationship dynamics is that the male is expected to continually be acting on a ‘higher plane’ than the female. He must constantly be aware of what he says, how he phrases things & how he handles responses to his partner i.e. instead of a natural angry reaction he should be trying to turn a potentially negative situation into a positive one.
    On the other hand….him seeking emotional support in times of vulnerability or displays of fragility usually result in her resenting him for it over time (not necessarily on purpose).
    The majority of females want a man who is a secure ‘rock’, who is there to provide emotional support & help her deal with her insecurities. Though generally females will subconsciously & gradually lose attraction to a male if he seeks in return one of the prominent things she EXPECTS from him.

  22. jeremy man says:

    Great read. i sent this to my gf, coz I think a lot of it applies to our relationship. Good idea or bad? 😀

  23. Surprised that “Not Fucking/Making Love” is not on this list. Most guys are very physical and visual, and not having that element in a relationship is a serious threat. If you find that you are never in the mood or not physically attracted to him, you both need to have “the talk”.

  24. I have done all these things except #9 and his worthless ass still won’t leave me. Im running out of ways to make him miserable with me. I need him to want to leave me like he has done to so many other women before, i really dont know what else to do now 🙁

    • Faye, you could consult a witch doctor and cast a spell, you could have him read this article and tell him to specifically read the comments section down to Oct 5 at 9:53 pm, or you could put your big girl panties on and talk to him like an adult – and let him know the relationship is not working for you and you need to break things off.

      Unless you’re speaking in the confusing double-negative rhetoric of the article?? In which case, does that mean you really want to stay, or that the only one you HAVE done is #9? I’m so confused.

      • Could be she’s legitimately afraid of what he might do if she breaks up with him, like I was with my last guy.

  25. I enjoyed the list and the author’s attempt to present a common topic in a new way (The double-negative). Although the double-negative was a little tricky to follow smoothly at times. But I think the advice is sound and good and I like when I get advice that is targeted to me as a woman about men. While the list could apply either way, I enjoy it’s special attention to give advice to women about men.

  26. It’s a good article but, having been in relationships with men and women, I don’t really see anything in there that’s actually gender specific. Everyone wants love, trust, respect and support.

    • Jimcracky says:

      You obviously missed this line so I’ll reprint it here:
      “By the way, these can be used by men as well, but that’s another article for another day.”

  27. The passive-aggressive voice used in this article shows horrible communication skills, and makes any good points within the article difficult to read through to.

    • “difficult to read through to?” Your lack of communication and grammar skills, while simultaneously criticizing the author’s, invalidates your comment and makes your opinion irrelevant.

      • No, she’s right. The whole thing reads like a double negative. I had to keep reminding myself that the article was trying to be sarcastic. Can’t win um all.

        • She IS right, and unfortunately it switches from advice intended sarcastically (don’t trust him) to advice intended sincerely (If you don;t trust him, leave him) – it’s disruptive to the flow of the article.

          Also, as is often the case with articles like this, these pretty much apply to everyone, not just men. I read this and thought, “I wish my ex-boyfriend had read this!”

          • Jimcracky says:

            So here’s a nice tongue in cheek article about how to improve relationships by not being disrespectful, inconsiderate or generally obnoxious. Now, you’ve elected to critique the article’s grammar. Do you perceive the irony of that at all? I thought not. Pity.

  28. Oh come on. Where is the glaringly obvious one that is every man’s #1?

    #1 – Don’t shag him when he wants, how he wants, how often he wants.

    You could probably screw up the other 15 completely, but get this one right and keep your man.

    • Not true. I had a girlfriend who used to do that. We often used to have sex to cover up and ignore our real problems. Finally I broke up with her, due to some of the reasons explained in the article.

    • I hope you’re being sarcastic.

      • Hi Katlin

        He probably is honest. An honest man that think he knows what he needs.
        Lots of men think sex is the most important thing in a relationship.

  29. I thought the list was most helpful and informative. Thank you. What it all boils down to is respect y and consideration along with affection and love. Respect being the #1 priority on my list. Without respect you have nothing.

  30. unknwnusr says:

    I currently have a distant one-way one-side sexual semi-friendship with a woman who exhibits 10 of these 15… She has a 4 year old lil girl which I adore…. Admitingly the relationship began on a sexual basis only but het babie father tragically passed away in a motorcycle accident… Thinking she would break it off with me I figured his passing would be the end of us but she began to invite me to be around her more & her family; which confused me for a short time because it was just a sexual thing but time took its toll & now that I do want to be with her, plus shes the only woman I want to be intimate with; she began doing 10 of the above 15 to me… I still try & do “manly tasks” for her like Goghanging her timing belt on her breaking down car when she needs… I used to at least get calls for no reasons just for her to say hi but once I started to want her too it seems shes run away….

    But thats just my problem in the least…

    What id loke to take away from this posting most is the phrase of the carpet installer:
    “She makes every day better.”

    Ladies we men often find women who we know could make us feel this way but then for some reason many women do several of the above 15 acts & basically it right on as titled “How to loose a man; forever”…

    And to be honest; in my current dealing with the woman I want to be with who “just wants to be single & have sex with only me” isnt really having sex with me at all anymore either along with treating with 10 of the above listed traits; gone forever is soon what I will be from her… And sure shes cute & I want to be WIth her but lets face it she has a vagina & truth be told its by far easier for women to “date & choose” than for men…

  31. Can’t deny, my girlfriend is guilty of every single one of these items at some point in our relationship… Hammer, nail, head. Hooo boy.

  32. mightypog says:

    Surprised it didn’t say on the list somewhere “don’t have sex with him.” I’m not being facetious here. I have been in relationships twice with men who experienced this from previous partners. (I also have a girlfriend whose husband isn’t intimate with her. Just as bad, but this article is about what hurts men, so…) It’s about the most cruel thing I think you can do to a partner, is cut them off of physical intimacy. It’s such a personal rejection. And it seems it happens kind of a lot.

  33. While the list did somehow read inside out (as if you were actually making a list of 15 things TO DO to keep a relationship strong) you covered a broad range of issues that I see in practice with clients everyday.

    All of these things track back to a rather sad relationship with Life in general. Joyful creation of a life worth living tends to lead to relationships of a similar nature. Get happy.

  34. Having experienced most of these items… This was quite an emotional piece. Kudos to you for being able to express exactly how people become Jaded.

  35. This should be said for all relationships. Work, friends, people at the bar. We have lost our sense of decency and respect, mostly from our own fears.

  36. This list describes my mother.. a little too perfectly…. now I feel angry after reading that.

  37. Yeah I have to agree with the others who found #10 and #11 to be a big problem _with_ _women_. There’s something deeply cathartic about admitting fault in enabling us to move on with our lives and relationships. It’s a matter of learning from past experiences rather than dragging our baggage into the next relationship and poisoning that one as well. I have always found women very reluctant to admit fault even when the facts are crystal clear that they’ve been behaving badly. Is it for fear of being guilt-tripped, or something else? This problem has been particularly evident with very accomplished women who consider themselves feminists but then are angry/disappointed in themselves when they cannot live up to the ideal of the strong (ney, invincible) feminist archetype and despise themselves whenever they show weakness.

    Last year I dated a woman for about six weeks who had a long-distance engagement blow-up in her face three years before. She had dated for about a year after that, but then nobody for over a year and a half until me. You would figure that would be more than enough time to recover, but nope, because she didn’t accept any responsibility she just transferred her anger onto other men: her boss, her male friends, and after about a month of affection, me. It’s interesting and sad how someone with such a high IQ could have such a low emotional quotient (EQ) and stay bitter for such an extended length of time.

    I do feel that popular culture expects men to apologize when they screw-up and women are more likely to be given a pass. This bias is pretty self-evident in romantic comedies and the like, which are after all marketed at women. Also because we tend to portray women as victims females tend to receive unconditional, uncritical support from their female friends whenever they have relationship problems which is polyannaish. Men, on the other hand, aren’t as good at unconditional empathy and are definitely more like to give their friends tough love when they screw-up.

    • The Blurpo says:

      romantic comedies and porn have one thing in common (actually more than one, but I chose to focus on one portion), both show, with few exceptions a screwed version of reality. One emotive and the other sexual. Girls/women get expectation from romance/erotica they will never get (or rarely) and the same for boys and men.

      Both romance novels and porn/erotica are fiction not reality. Trying to turn fiction in reality only hurts yourself and the people around you.

      • Soullite says:

        What do you actually mean by this?

        Yes – porn isn’t real life. But that doesn’t mean men should just accept a terrible sex life, or just ‘make do’ if they aren’t satisfied. People should settle for something less than a 10 (particularly if they aren’t), but they shouldn’t settle for something less than being happy (at least most of the time).

      • Soullite says:

        LoL. Apparently, you can’t even post a comment here suggesting that maybe Sex is important to men, and they shouldn’t settle for something less than a happy sex-life.

        This site does love to shame men for their sexuality, doesn’t it?

  38. Out of everything on the list, number 11 really rang true the most. My last GF did a lot of shit I didn’t like but her complete unwillingness to take responsibility for her actions pissed me off more than anything else. It still pisses me off.

    At first I tried to adapt by just saying this is an apology-free relationship on both sides. But that in itself creates a kind of separation that is extremely detrimental to a relationship. You go from not apologising to not talking. You start to expect the worst to cushion the blow of receiving the worst and never getting an apology for it.

    You recognise the cowardice and selfishness of it and it makes you begin to actually dislike them for it. Most importantly, the issues that generated the need for the apology never really go away because they were never resolved. So they fester and sour the relationship.

    Believe me ladies, pay heed to this list.

  39. this also applies to kids. Treating your child this way also leads you to lose your child.

    But then, the people who do this kind of thing tend not to understand that.

    • People who act this way were treated this way by their parents, or saw their parents treat other people this way. That’s how they were taught to treat people you love. It takes a lot of work to learn actual skills instead of just repeating patterns.

    • Very true, Diana. I can vouch for that personally in my own life.

  40. I think for most of the people that are frequent readers, number 10 and 11 are the most realistic ones to watch out for. I’ve personally had some issues with those, but never with the other ones. However, there are a lot of women out there dealing with ‘staying angry’ and ‘judging’, etc., that I’ve personally seen and been baffled by.

  41. Typo in item #10… “faith our spirituality” should be ” faith or spirituality”

  42. Yeah I agree these would all apply equally to either gender. But, really, how sad that anyone needs to be told this stuff.

  43. Uuuhhh it’s called the GoodMENProject –

    I think the points go both ways but seriously you are missing the forest for the trees when you fixate on this being a list for men as opposed to reading a list of solid insights into how to destry a relationship.

    • No, I read it as that and I agree – it’s a very solid list of insights into how relationships get destroyed. I’m not really complaining other than I think it’s something EVERYone should read, so I was a little bummed that it was gender specific. That’s all.

      • @LF June 15, 2012 at 7:16 pm.

        Uhh.. At the beginning of the article the author mentioned it was applicable to either men or women. And is this the “Good Women Project”? I hope not! So why do you blame the author for giving a male-oriented article?

        Instead of bickering and trying to be politically correct/promoting the power struggle between men and women, why not learn from the good parts of the write-up and toss the rest? Also you may have all the relationship knowledge and experience in the world but your condescending statement-
        “But, really, how sad that anyone needs to be told this stuff” is contradicted by your earlier statement-
        “I’m not really complaining other than I think it’s something EVERYone should read”.

        Then again some women and men are known for contradicting themselves yet still claiming their argument is logical and correct. I know a lot of people who could have used this advice at an earlier stage of their relationships to either change their wrong attitude or bail out including my humble self.

        Happy Fathers Day!

        • Whoa… tough room here. 🙂

          When I said it was sad that anyone needs to be told this stuff, I was NOT being sarcastic and certainly didn’t intend it to be condescending – I was sincere. So my statements were not contradictory – I think it’s something EVERYone should read because obviously many people don’t know this stuff, which I do think is sad (not “sad” in the sense of “a bunch of pathetic losers” or however it was interpreted, but literally, sad, as in it makes me feel badly that so many people are not taught this early in their lives, it could have saved them a lot of pain).

          And I certainly didn’t intend to “promote the power struggle between men and women.” I’m not trying to bicker or be politically correct – I simply thought that most of the advice in the article could apply to everyone. It’s a very minor complaint really.

        • @tony

          not sure what article you read, but the one being discussed is called “how to lose a guy…” and the list of “how to”s starts with “So ladies, in order to stay current here are some guaranteed tips for losing a guy forever.” It’s sexist and heterosexist. All the gas lighting you can trot out will not change that.

          • The article can be gender flipped, which the author does pretty much say.
            “So ladies, in order to stay current here are some guaranteed tips for losing a guy forever. By the way, these can be used by men as well, but that’s another article for another day.”

            He’s using examples from male friends about women, so this article is about how to lose a guy. Where is the sexism?

    • THANK YOU Greg!! was just about to write that, glad I keept going down the list. some people here TOTALLY missing the fantastic point of the article!!

    • Michael Rowe says:

      Thank you, Greg.

  44. My experience is that women tend to do some of these things more than men. Like the complaining about them constantly. If I’m with my guy friends much of the time they will discuss their girlfriends (if the relationship is going ok) as friends and/or partners. It’s simply conversational. Once in awhile if there is a bump in the road maybe seeking advice but I’ve never seen anything like women complaining to each other about their mates… holy wow.

    Some of these other items if a man did them to a woman it would quickly be called abuse. When women do it to men it’s just how we are. That’s not ok.

    But in my experience I see these issues much more with how women treat men then how men treat women. Or maybe I’m just hanging out with exceptional males.

    • Well if they’re so exceptional, why do they stay with women who treat them like crap? 😀

      When I was younger I used to have a lot of friends, of both genders, who spent a lot of time being unhappy about their SO. Nowadays most of my friends, both male and female, are in good relationships or marriages. Hopefully maturity leads people to learn to pick better mates.

      • Never said they stayed. It wasn’t until it go bad that I would hear a negative word about who these men chose to stay with and at that point he relationship was on its way out and typically ended shortly there after.

        Reality is women do treat men poorly in some cases as evidenced by this list. I’ve watched women do it first hand and it’s socially acceptable. It”s socially acceptable to dehumanize your male partner. It’s social acceptable to abuse them emotionally and sometimes even physically. The minute men do the exact same things to women it’s abusive and sick. But when women do it they make TV shows and movies about it and laugh about it. Or say the man must have done something to deserve it.

        In the men’s rights world this is one of my biggest pet peeves. And it’s not a “people” problem this is a woman problem because when men do this stuff they are demonized. Women aren’t.

        • Never said that women don’t treat men poorly, and I agree there’s often a double standard when a woman treats a man poorly vs. the other way (depending what the behavior is). My point was that I don’t see much difference in the number of men vs. women who sabotage their relationships in the ways the article describes, and that the article applies to relationships in general and not just men or women.

      • Terence Manuel says:

        “Hopefully maturity leads people to learn to pick better mates.”

        This is where it all starts. In my observation, this where women have it all wrong. Until they reach their 30s/40s, many women opt to chase after the wrong men. You see so many women throwing themselves after these players….

        • Yes, this is true. It doesn’t apply only to women, though. Many young men also choose to marry women who are more suited to casual hookups than marriage. Let’s face it, most young people don’t really know what they want and are easily swayed by sexual attraction.

          Probably just not a great idea to get married until at least one’s late 20s, preferably early 30s, or even later if you don’t plan to have kids.

  45. You sound kind of bitter about relationships with women. Maybe you need a break. Wow

    • Mark Neil says:

      Please stop projecting. women (and men) are not without their flaws. Calling out a list of trends, especially prevalent in our current age of entitlement, does not make one automatically bitter about relationships. the fact you (and others) can so quickly go there says far more about yourselves.

  46. Honestly, why couldn’t this list just be “How to Lose a Mate Forever”? Dudes are just as likely to engage in these types of relationship-sabotaging behaviors as ladies are.

  47. Eric M. says:

    A lot of truth here. This business of staying angry and not forgiving can be a deal breaker, especially if you know there are other ladies out there that would be only too happy to displace her. No sense in living like that if you don’t have to.

  48. LA Gay Guy says:

    @KT – Looks like the article hit a little bit too close to home for your comfort.

  49. Every single thing on this list would work equally well for both a man or a women in a relationship, but since that is “an article for another day!” I will refrain from asking WHY?

    This could have been a great article on the types of things that make strong relationships but instead its a passive aggressive list of what I can only imagine are personal relationship letdowns of the author. I normally don’t read these types of things as “personal” to the author but there seems to be no way not to do it. The general unsupported statements about the value of “That kind of love” and the totally unnecessary gendering of the “advice” makes the article very difficult to read. Also- this quote:

    “Today, relationships seem to have evolved into some kind of adversarial competition where every action or inaction is tallied in an unending scorecard leading to the eventual defeat”

    Based on the many people I know in and out of relationships I think this much more cliche that reality. Much lower quality than the articles and content that I regularly enjoy from this site.

    • This article is powerful and insightful and REAL!! It makes me proud as a woman that there are still real men out there that understand and teach other men (and women) what it truly takes for a relationship to survive and succeed long term! Ridiculous to read your take on it.

    • HM, I agree with you wholeheartedly.

    • I completely agree with KT. Seems very passive aggressive and victim oriented. And could easily be a list for both sexes. But “it’s your job to keep him in line?”. The hell it is. It’s my job to keep my children in line. Not my partner who should be a grown man with his own internal compass. Women can show respect, support, appreciation, etc but in a healthy way and not in any sort of coddling or ego stroking way that becomes parental and kills passion.

      • darcampb says:

        Yes! I agree completely. I really don’t understand why its a woman’s job to play mommy to a GROWN ASS ADULT PERSON. Most of us were raised with morals and have an internal compass that guides us in terms of right and wrong. It is not another person’s job to school us in this. I repeatedly hear that it is a woman’s job to discipline or train the man, keep him in line, show him how to treat you, force /trick him to respect you, etc . That is not my concept of a healthy functional relationship model. I am looking for an equal partnership where we uplift and support each other, not a one-sided mother/child relationship.

    • @KT – I agree completely. There is nothing gender specific in this list and to gear such “advice” to women who already do most of the emotional management in relationships is BS: as if heterosexual males are all over being responsible, respectful, reliable while women are lagging behind. We’re supposed to do all of this in good faith and unilaterally while doing far more than our fair share of mundane housework and earning lower wage than our bepenised coworkers, and – according to other “advice to women” articles – be totally cheerful and “non-judgemental” when the man who loves you jacks off to porn and “relaxes” a strip clubs with his mates on a regular basis.

      This article missed the opportunity to be quite a decent piece on how to engage with a partner, no matter what your gender pairing, but it’s choice to tell women how to “do better” for our men reduces it to just more sexist trash.

      • Wow, bitter much?

        • Seriously. Enough finger pointing, people. The author was just taking on an oft-written subject, in an interesting new way. I didn’t see it as passive-aggressive. It’s also not the best format for ladies to start complaining of all the emotional work we women do in relationships. Kudos to anybody reading who simply wants to love more effectively, in a way your partner understands it.

    • Michael Rowe says:

      Actually, KT, is IS a great article, not “could be.” This will doubtless come as a surprise to you, and to some of the other women on this thread, but you actually might have something to learn about relationships, and….guess what? It’s NOT ALWAYS ALL ABOUT YOU after all! Who’d have ever guessed?


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