How to Lose a Guy…Forever

Raymond Bechard discusses the trend of current relationships and the top 15 reasons why they just won’t work out.


I was talking to a guy installing carpet in a friend’s home the other day. For some reason, he asked my advice on whether or not he should have a surprise birthday party for his girlfriend. “She’s hitting the big 4-0, so I don’t know if she wants to celebrate it or ignore it,” he said. That made sense, some people would rather not draw attention to birthdays ending in zeros. So I asked him a simple question, “Is she a positive person? You know, does she usually look on the bright side of things?”

His face immediately lit up as he reached for his phone. “Take a look at her face and you’ll know.” He held up the phone with the beaming photo of his girlfriend, who looked no more than 27, tops. As he showed me her picture, he said the five best words I have ever heard to describe a relationship that is working – at least from a man’s perspective, “She makes every day better.”

It doesn’t get any simpler than that. I’ve heard men talk about relationships and girlfriends, what they like and don’t like, what they want and don’t want, what drives them nuts, and even what hurts them. But, I’ve never heard it put better than those five words.

“She makes every day better.” In all honesty, that is what every man wants. If he is fortunate enough to find a lady who understands that concept and loves him enough to stand by him – as he does with her – to make every day better, then he should move heaven and earth to spend the rest of his life with her and prove himself worthy.

It’s too bad though. That kind of love doesn’t seem to be in vogue these days. Today, relationships seem to have evolved into some kind of adversarial competition where every action or inaction is tallied in an unending scorecard leading to the eventual defeat – or death – of the relationship itself. It’s no longer fashionable to look at romantic relationships as something precious, a beautiful organism that must be cherished if it is to thrive – or even survive – long term.

It’s futile to fight this powerful trend. So ladies, in order to stay current here are some guaranteed tips for losing a guy forever. By the way, these can be used by men as well, but that’s another article for another day.


#1 – Don’t learn what emotional intimacy is.

Forget what psychologist Malini Shah says, “Emotional intimacy is a feeling of close personal association and belonging. It’s a familiar connect formed through shared knowledge of each other and experience.” That would mean taking the time to find a man with whom you can build trust and be yourself. Worst of all it would mean not just accepting him for who he is, but celebrating who he is.

#2 – Don’t respect him.

Even if he deserves your respect, do not, under any circumstances show him the kind of respect you want and need. Don’t value him. Don’t listen. Don’t consider his priorities or concerns. Make sure he feels your life would be much better if he weren’t in it. On the other hand, if he truly doesn’t deserve your respect, leave him. Leave him now. And if he doesn’t respect you then he doesn’t deserve yours. Again, leave.

#3 – Don’t like him.

Sure, you love him, but do you like him? Never forget he’s probably closer to you than anyone else in his life so it’s your responsibility to make sure he doesn’t get out of line. If you want to make sure he’s unhappy and dwindling away inside, show him you don’t like him.

#4 – Complain about him.

Believe it or not (and lots of men will get mad at me for revealing this to you) most of us look to the women in our lives, or the woman closest to us, to determine how we feel about ourselves. Make sure he knows you are keeping score against him by openly expecting him to screw up. Tell all your friends what a loser he is and never, ever genuinely praise him.

#5 – Judge him.

If you want him to stop being open and honest, or if you just want him to start hiding things from you, make sure you judge him negatively every chance you get. If you can’t find anything negative that is even remotely valid, just make something up. Do anything to keep him on the defensive. Remember, every day brings new opportunities to find new faults in him.

#6 – Don’t trust him.

He’s a guy – don’t trust him – no matter how trustworthy, honest, reliable or loyal he actually proves himself to be. Of course, if he truly can’t or shouldn’t be trusted, leave the jerk. No excuses. You will never have emotional intimacy if there is no chance of mutual trust.

#7 – Blame him.

If you’re divorced, blame him. If your last boyfriend treated you badly, blame him. If you’re children aren’t behaving, blame him. Take all your anger, frustration, fears and insecurities and place them squarely on the doorstep of his life. Whatever negative feelings or experiences you are having, he should be punished for it.

Next: “Stay angry.”

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About Raymond Bechard

Raymond Bechard is an Author, Speaker and Human Rights Advocate. He has worked against injustice and for the freedom of all people for over twenty years. He often advises social justice organizations in their mission to bring hope and encouragement to the world. Among other writings he is the author of the recently published book, "The Berlin Turnpike: A True Story of Human Trafficking in America." Bechard also began Men Against Prostitution And Trafficking, the first anti-human trafficking Political Action Committee in America.


  1. Dina Strange says:

    Since it says “Speak your mind” i gotta say this. From the first 3 sentences the only thing i could think of was “cheesy”…Cheesy heading, cheesy words, cheesy everything.

  2. Where is the second part of the article?” The top 15 reasons why relationship just won’t work out>>>How to lose the girl Forever”.
    Overall, all 15 reasons written in the same manner as seven deadly sins. Lets write what was 100000 times written and make it unique:)))

    • Michael Rowe says:

      Yeah, actually, Tatiana….there are about 700,000 of those articles out there at any given point. This isn’t Cosmo, after all—maybe it’s OK, even useful, for women to read this sort of thing every once in awhile without complaining how it’s not about them for once. Just….once?

  3. Jennifer G. says:

    Some of these articles are so good, makes me wish that they were printed, bound into a book and taught to girls and guys. Find the man who wants to make your every day better and do the same for him.

    There is one thing I would add: If you are a couple, a team, protect it. If he is accused of something, you stand by him, saying nothing. He is your partner in the great dance and unless and until it is proven beyond any doubt that he has done a wrong, be at his side. And never, ever feel as though you must explain this to anyone. You two are one. Or would be, if you cherish, love and respect him.

  4. Alexander says:

    Does this Article comes in Chinese?

  5. Judging by the comments left by the women I think we can safely say that #11 is in full effect.

  6. I love how the first 2 comments were the absolute prime example of what this guy is talking about LOL way to go girls, walked right into that one.

  7. This show men women do not respect each other. I was reading the one just written for women and I see the same animosity from the men…

  8. Rachel L says:

    This is a good article but I wish it were written in positives. 1) Learn what emotional intimacy is. 2) Respect him. Etc.
    As a journalist, I felt this was needlessly confusing. Especially because the beginning was so positive and the message was on point.

    • Michael Rowe says:

      “Confusing?” Really> What was confusing about it? “If you do this, you’ll lose him.” Was that unfairly complicated language, to you suppose…?

    • I agree to the comment above saying the article should have been written in positive. I have up reading halfway through because it just became a chore to read. Utter nonsense! There was even a part where the author wrote ‘you’re’ where it should in fact be ‘your’ (that’s where I gave up).

    • Forrest Akin says:


  9. I really like this short and simple article. It is nice to see something positive for men on the internet. After going through some different kinds of relationships myself, I can really agree with the things that you have listed. They are definitely major issues that can utterly ruin, beyond repair, any relationship.
    Some women to understand and accept that men are human as well and nobody can, nor should try to, live up to unreasonable standards. After all if a guy does this he can be called emotionally abusive. What about a girl who does these things?
    I believe that although there are differences between the sexes, that it has become an excuse to say that “women are made that way” or “that’s just how guys are.”
    To me it seems,more often than not, that maybe one or both partners should grow up and act more maturely.

    • I agree that stereotypes keep people stuck. NO one would like to be treated like the above. If we tried to treat each other, simply as we “want” to be treated, it would be a lot simpler and kinder. :)

  10. So basically just stay in the kitchen and keep our mouths shut? Right.

    • Uhm… How did you come to the conclusion that THAT was what the article said? In fact, I think you need to read it again. This is not about not speaking your mind or not saying anything, it was about not doing it just to do it. And if you choose to display your doubts or express your feelings in the manner described, not only will you loose your partner, but you’ll definitely make sure that they don’t listen to anything you’re trying to tell them and that you don’t motivate them to change anything. You need to respect yourself, your partner and your relationship enough to talk about these things in a respectful and serious manner, instead of in a hostile, defensive way. You wouldn’t listen to anyone in a constructive way if they expressed themselves that way, so why would you think that it is okay for you to behave like that yourself?

      People need to grow up and take their relationships seriously enough to behave lake adults instead of teenagers.

      – Ditte

  11. I needed to hear this! Thanks for a great post!

  12. Finally an article in the opposite perspective – not about guys always being the ones that fuck up and what they need to do to make it all right.

  13. It’s a nice article :)
    I actually got confused for a min 😛

  14. Mat Bodhi Bryan says:

    Wow… have you been following my love life around? STALKER… I am getting a restraining order.

    Seriously though… I would have to say that many of these caused the end of my marriage and the 3 relationships that I have had since my divorce 7 years ago. Which is one reason I am choosing to remain single… or nothing serious.
    I am not missing out on anything spectacular…

  15. Its an interesting list…..I especially liked the opening about genuinely “enjoying” one another. Although I think that sometimes articles are a slice of an individuals learned experiences and perspectives…as are most things. I haven’t experienced much of the above because I don’t like or value the thought of a partner being a thing or project, to me.
    That said, all of the above are worth thinking about in any relationship, including parent/child.

  16. This writer doesnt have a pure love life…

  17. Sometimes you love and the love dont back..The worst life is when youre love is unilateral and that your wife think that heR love is real but dont exist in true..She give nothing to her husband, no sex, no attention, but think that the love must be like that, without love’s proufs..Theres some men who lives very sad life and dont wanna sex with other girls cuse they love her wife, but the day where they realised that they have a fuckin bad life and that they lose about 10years of there life to wait for refind a true starting love, they’re seeing too that they cant leave without her…im in this situation and keep alone on a false relationship with an unilateral love without sex since about 3month..And have to maried in few month..Saadi the sad frenchboy..

  18. Michelle says:

    I enjoyed this article. It is good to remember that, even though society tells us men are unfeeling sex machines, they want to be loved, comforted, and cared for. Men have the right to need, and it’s good to see a reminder.


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