Raymond Bechard discusses the trend of current relationships and the top 15 reasons why they just won’t work out.
I was talking to a guy installing carpet in a friend’s home the other day. For some reason, he asked my advice on whether or not he should have a surprise birthday party for his girlfriend. “She’s hitting the big 4-0, so I don’t know if she wants to celebrate it or ignore it,” he said. That made sense, some people would rather not draw attention to birthdays ending in zeros. So I asked him a simple question, “Is she a positive person? You know, does she usually look on the bright side of things?”
His face immediately lit up as he reached for his phone. “Take a look at her face and you’ll know.” He held up the phone with the beaming photo of his girlfriend, who looked no more than 27, tops. As he showed me her picture, he said the five best words I have ever heard to describe a relationship that is working – at least from a man’s perspective, “She makes every day better.”
It doesn’t get any simpler than that. I’ve heard men talk about relationships and girlfriends, what they like and don’t like, what they want and don’t want, what drives them nuts, and even what hurts them. But, I’ve never heard it put better than those five words.
“She makes every day better.” In all honesty, that is what every man wants. If he is fortunate enough to find a lady who understands that concept and loves him enough to stand by him – as he does with her – to make every day better, then he should move heaven and earth to spend the rest of his life with her and prove himself worthy.
It’s too bad though. That kind of love doesn’t seem to be in vogue these days. Today, relationships seem to have evolved into some kind of adversarial competition where every action or inaction is tallied in an unending scorecard leading to the eventual defeat – or death – of the relationship itself. It’s no longer fashionable to look at romantic relationships as something precious, a beautiful organism that must be cherished if it is to thrive – or even survive – long term.
It’s futile to fight this powerful trend. So ladies, in order to stay current here are some guaranteed tips for losing a guy forever. By the way, these can be used by men as well, but that’s another article for another day.
#1 – Don’t learn what emotional intimacy is.
Forget what psychologist Malini Shah says, “Emotional intimacy is a feeling of close personal association and belonging. It’s a familiar connect formed through shared knowledge of each other and experience.” That would mean taking the time to find a man with whom you can build trust and be yourself. Worst of all it would mean not just accepting him for who he is, but celebrating who he is.
#2 – Don’t respect him.
Even if he deserves your respect, do not, under any circumstances show him the kind of respect you want and need. Don’t value him. Don’t listen. Don’t consider his priorities or concerns. Make sure he feels your life would be much better if he weren’t in it. On the other hand, if he truly doesn’t deserve your respect, leave him. Leave him now. And if he doesn’t respect you then he doesn’t deserve yours. Again, leave.
#3 – Don’t like him.
Sure, you love him, but do you like him? Never forget he’s probably closer to you than anyone else in his life so it’s your responsibility to make sure he doesn’t get out of line. If you want to make sure he’s unhappy and dwindling away inside, show him you don’t like him.
#4 – Complain about him.
Believe it or not (and lots of men will get mad at me for revealing this to you) most of us look to the women in our lives, or the woman closest to us, to determine how we feel about ourselves. Make sure he knows you are keeping score against him by openly expecting him to screw up. Tell all your friends what a loser he is and never, ever genuinely praise him.
#5 – Judge him.
If you want him to stop being open and honest, or if you just want him to start hiding things from you, make sure you judge him negatively every chance you get. If you can’t find anything negative that is even remotely valid, just make something up. Do anything to keep him on the defensive. Remember, every day brings new opportunities to find new faults in him.
#6 – Don’t trust him.
He’s a guy – don’t trust him – no matter how trustworthy, honest, reliable or loyal he actually proves himself to be. Of course, if he truly can’t or shouldn’t be trusted, leave the jerk. No excuses. You will never have emotional intimacy if there is no chance of mutual trust.
#7 – Blame him.
If you’re divorced, blame him. If your last boyfriend treated you badly, blame him. If you’re children aren’t behaving, blame him. Take all your anger, frustration, fears and insecurities and place them squarely on the doorstep of his life. Whatever negative feelings or experiences you are having, he should be punished for it.
#8 – Stay angry.
He’s a guy. He must have done something wrong. Even if you don’t know what it is, it still pisses you off. You don’t need to know exactly when or what he did whatever it is, he definitely did it. Save time and get angry now. Then, stay angry . . . because there’s no end to the ways he’s messed up with . . . something.
#9 – Don’t be reliable.
Make sure he knows that you are not there for him no matter how badly he may need you. That way he will know never to rely on you for anything. If you are the one person he wants to call when something really bad, or really good, happens don’t be available or interested.
#10 – Don’t get help.
You’ve been through a lot, a lot of pain, a lot that isn’t fair, a lot of horrible stuff that has wounded you. Sometimes you feel broken. Whatever you do, don’t try to effectively heal your wounds in any way. Don’t go to therapy. Don’t apply what you’ve learned in self-help books. Don’t explore faith our spirituality. Don’t ever look back at the injustices done to you or the wrong choices you’ve made and deal with them. Do whatever you can to simply mask the pain or push it down.
#11 – Don’t take responsibility.
Never apologize. Never ever admit that something you have done may have hurt him. Just live as though you are incapable of hurting him, no matter how badly you do. Don’t forget, this relationship is about you and healing your pain. His is irrelevant.
#12 – Don’t take him seriously.
You are the only one who has a right to emotions, troubles, challenges, and heartache. If he exhibits any of these it just means he is weak. You don’t have time to deal with your problems and his. He’s there for you, after all. Not the other way around.
#13 – Don’t support him.
Leave him alone, isolated, and adrift. He’s a man and should be able to handle whatever comes his way by himself. You don’t have time for a man who needs your help. If he needs support, an ally, an advocate, or you as a true friend – maybe even his best friend – then he’s not worth it.
#14 – Don’t forgive him.
Okay, he will eventually screw up for real. We all do. When he does make a mistake use it to validate all the terrible things you’ve been thinking and saying about him. Forgiving him will only teach him that he can just get away with it again. Instead, identify him by his mistakes. And being constantly told what a terrible man he is will certainly make him a better one.
#15 – Don’t learn anything.
After the relationship ends – and if you follow these guidelines, it will – don’t take away anything from it. Simply lay the blame openly on him and move forward into your next relationship by doing exactly the same thing.
However, if you are not someone who follows the latest trends then just do the opposite of all this. Find a man who wants to make your every day better and do the same for him.
You might also like: How to Lose a Woman…Forever
Photo — Shutterstock
About Raymond Bechard
Every single thing on this list would work equally well for both a man or a women in a relationship, but since that is “an article for another day!” I will refrain from asking WHY?
This could have been a great article on the types of things that make strong relationships but instead its a passive aggressive list of what I can only imagine are personal relationship letdowns of the author. I normally don’t read these types of things as “personal” to the author but there seems to be no way not to do it. The general unsupported statements about the value of “That kind of love” and the totally unnecessary gendering of the “advice” makes the article very difficult to read. Also- this quote:
“Today, relationships seem to have evolved into some kind of adversarial competition where every action or inaction is tallied in an unending scorecard leading to the eventual defeat”
Based on the many people I know in and out of relationships I think this much more cliche that reality. Much lower quality than the articles and content that I regularly enjoy from this site.
This article is powerful and insightful and REAL!! It makes me proud as a woman that there are still real men out there that understand and teach other men (and women) what it truly takes for a relationship to survive and succeed long term! Ridiculous to read your take on it.
@KT – Looks like the article hit a little bit too close to home for your comfort.
A lot of truth here. This business of staying angry and not forgiving can be a deal breaker, especially if you know there are other ladies out there that would be only too happy to displace her. No sense in living like that if you don’t have to.
Honestly, why couldn’t this list just be “How to Lose a Mate Forever”? Dudes are just as likely to engage in these types of relationship-sabotaging behaviors as ladies are.
You sound kind of bitter about relationships with women. Maybe you need a break. Wow
Please stop projecting. women (and men) are not without their flaws. Calling out a list of trends, especially prevalent in our current age of entitlement, does not make one automatically bitter about relationships. the fact you (and others) can so quickly go there says far more about yourselves.
My experience is that women tend to do some of these things more than men. Like the complaining about them constantly. If I’m with my guy friends much of the time they will discuss their girlfriends (if the relationship is going ok) as friends and/or partners. It’s simply conversational. Once in awhile if there is a bump in the road maybe seeking advice but I’ve never seen anything like women complaining to each other about their mates… holy wow.
Some of these other items if a man did them to a woman it would quickly be called abuse. When women do it to men it’s just how we are. That’s not ok.
But in my experience I see these issues much more with how women treat men then how men treat women. Or maybe I’m just hanging out with exceptional males.
Well if they’re so exceptional, why do they stay with women who treat them like crap?
When I was younger I used to have a lot of friends, of both genders, who spent a lot of time being unhappy about their SO. Nowadays most of my friends, both male and female, are in good relationships or marriages. Hopefully maturity leads people to learn to pick better mates.
Never said they stayed. It wasn’t until it go bad that I would hear a negative word about who these men chose to stay with and at that point he relationship was on its way out and typically ended shortly there after.
Reality is women do treat men poorly in some cases as evidenced by this list. I’ve watched women do it first hand and it’s socially acceptable. It”s socially acceptable to dehumanize your male partner. It’s social acceptable to abuse them emotionally and sometimes even physically. The minute men do the exact same things to women it’s abusive and sick. But when women do it they make TV shows and movies about it and laugh about it. Or say the man must have done something to deserve it.
In the men’s rights world this is one of my biggest pet peeves. And it’s not a “people” problem this is a woman problem because when men do this stuff they are demonized. Women aren’t.
Never said that women don’t treat men poorly, and I agree there’s often a double standard when a woman treats a man poorly vs. the other way (depending what the behavior is). My point was that I don’t see much difference in the number of men vs. women who sabotage their relationships in the ways the article describes, and that the article applies to relationships in general and not just men or women.
“Hopefully maturity leads people to learn to pick better mates.”
This is where it all starts. In my observation, this where women have it all wrong. Until they reach their 30s/40s, many women opt to chase after the wrong men. You see so many women throwing themselves after these players….
Yes, this is true. It doesn’t apply only to women, though. Many young men also choose to marry women who are more suited to casual hookups than marriage. Let’s face it, most young people don’t really know what they want and are easily swayed by sexual attraction.
Probably just not a great idea to get married until at least one’s late 20s, preferably early 30s, or even later if you don’t plan to have kids.
Uuuhhh it’s called the GoodMENProject –
I think the points go both ways but seriously you are missing the forest for the trees when you fixate on this being a list for men as opposed to reading a list of solid insights into how to destry a relationship.
No, I read it as that and I agree – it’s a very solid list of insights into how relationships get destroyed. I’m not really complaining other than I think it’s something EVERYone should read, so I was a little bummed that it was gender specific. That’s all.
@LF June 15, 2012 at 7:16 pm.
Uhh.. At the beginning of the article the author mentioned it was applicable to either men or women. And is this the “Good Women Project”? I hope not! So why do you blame the author for giving a male-oriented article?
Instead of bickering and trying to be politically correct/promoting the power struggle between men and women, why not learn from the good parts of the write-up and toss the rest? Also you may have all the relationship knowledge and experience in the world but your condescending statement-
“But, really, how sad that anyone needs to be told this stuff” is contradicted by your earlier statement-
“I’m not really complaining other than I think it’s something EVERYone should read”.
Then again some women and men are known for contradicting themselves yet still claiming their argument is logical and correct. I know a lot of people who could have used this advice at an earlier stage of their relationships to either change their wrong attitude or bail out including my humble self.
Happy Fathers Day!
Whoa… tough room here.
When I said it was sad that anyone needs to be told this stuff, I was NOT being sarcastic and certainly didn’t intend it to be condescending – I was sincere. So my statements were not contradictory – I think it’s something EVERYone should read because obviously many people don’t know this stuff, which I do think is sad (not “sad” in the sense of “a bunch of pathetic losers” or however it was interpreted, but literally, sad, as in it makes me feel badly that so many people are not taught this early in their lives, it could have saved them a lot of pain).
And I certainly didn’t intend to “promote the power struggle between men and women.” I’m not trying to bicker or be politically correct – I simply thought that most of the advice in the article could apply to everyone. It’s a very minor complaint really.
THANK YOU Greg!! was just about to write that, glad I keept going down the list. some people here TOTALLY missing the fantastic point of the article!!
Yeah I agree these would all apply equally to either gender. But, really, how sad that anyone needs to be told this stuff.
Typo in item #10… “faith our spirituality” should be ” faith or spirituality”
I think for most of the people that are frequent readers, number 10 and 11 are the most realistic ones to watch out for. I’ve personally had some issues with those, but never with the other ones. However, there are a lot of women out there dealing with ‘staying angry’ and ‘judging’, etc., that I’ve personally seen and been baffled by.
this also applies to kids. Treating your child this way also leads you to lose your child.
But then, the people who do this kind of thing tend not to understand that.
People who act this way were treated this way by their parents, or saw their parents treat other people this way. That’s how they were taught to treat people you love. It takes a lot of work to learn actual skills instead of just repeating patterns.
Very true, Diana. I can vouch for that personally in my own life.
Out of everything on the list, number 11 really rang true the most. My last GF did a lot of shit I didn’t like but her complete unwillingness to take responsibility for her actions pissed me off more than anything else. It still pisses me off.
At first I tried to adapt by just saying this is an apology-free relationship on both sides. But that in itself creates a kind of separation that is extremely detrimental to a relationship. You go from not apologising to not talking. You start to expect the worst to cushion the blow of receiving the worst and never getting an apology for it.
You recognise the cowardice and selfishness of it and it makes you begin to actually dislike them for it. Most importantly, the issues that generated the need for the apology never really go away because they were never resolved. So they fester and sour the relationship.
Believe me ladies, pay heed to this list.
Yeah I have to agree with the others who found #10 and #11 to be a big problem _with_ _women_. There’s something deeply cathartic about admitting fault in enabling us to move on with our lives and relationships. It’s a matter of learning from past experiences rather than dragging our baggage into the next relationship and poisoning that one as well. I have always found women very reluctant to admit fault even when the facts are crystal clear that they’ve been behaving badly. Is it for fear of being guilt-tripped, or something else? This problem has been particularly evident with very accomplished women who consider themselves feminists but then are angry/disappointed in themselves when they cannot live up to the ideal of the strong (ney, invincible) feminist archetype and despise themselves whenever they show weakness.
Last year I dated a woman for about six weeks who had a long-distance engagement blow-up in her face three years before. She had dated for about a year after that, but then nobody for over a year and a half until me. You would figure that would be more than enough time to recover, but nope, because she didn’t accept any responsibility she just transferred her anger onto other men: her boss, her male friends, and after about a month of affection, me. It’s interesting and sad how someone with such a high IQ could have such a low emotional quotient (EQ) and stay bitter for such an extended length of time.
I do feel that popular culture expects men to apologize when they screw-up and women are more likely to be given a pass. This bias is pretty self-evident in romantic comedies and the like, which are after all marketed at women. Also because we tend to portray women as victims females tend to receive unconditional, uncritical support from their female friends whenever they have relationship problems which is polyannaish. Men, on the other hand, aren’t as good at unconditional empathy and are definitely more like to give their friends tough love when they screw-up.
romantic comedies and porn have one thing in common (actually more than one, but I chose to focus on one portion), both show, with few exceptions a screwed version of reality. One emotive and the other sexual. Girls/women get expectation from romance/erotica they will never get (or rarely) and the same for boys and men.
Both romance novels and porn/erotica are fiction not reality. Trying to turn fiction in reality only hurts yourself and the people around you.
What do you actually mean by this?
Yes – porn isn’t real life. But that doesn’t mean men should just accept a terrible sex life, or just ‘make do’ if they aren’t satisfied. People should settle for something less than a 10 (particularly if they aren’t), but they shouldn’t settle for something less than being happy (at least most of the time).
LoL. Apparently, you can’t even post a comment here suggesting that maybe Sex is important to men, and they shouldn’t settle for something less than a happy sex-life.
This site does love to shame men for their sexuality, doesn’t it?
Nope, just hadn’t been online to approve pending posts. Don’t assume malice where there is none.
This list describes my mother.. a little too perfectly…. now I feel angry after reading that.
This should be said for all relationships. Work, friends, people at the bar. We have lost our sense of decency and respect, mostly from our own fears.
Having experienced most of these items… This was quite an emotional piece. Kudos to you for being able to express exactly how people become Jaded.
While the list did somehow read inside out (as if you were actually making a list of 15 things TO DO to keep a relationship strong) you covered a broad range of issues that I see in practice with clients everyday.
All of these things track back to a rather sad relationship with Life in general. Joyful creation of a life worth living tends to lead to relationships of a similar nature. Get happy.
Surprised it didn’t say on the list somewhere “don’t have sex with him.” I’m not being facetious here. I have been in relationships twice with men who experienced this from previous partners. (I also have a girlfriend whose husband isn’t intimate with her. Just as bad, but this article is about what hurts men, so…) It’s about the most cruel thing I think you can do to a partner, is cut them off of physical intimacy. It’s such a personal rejection. And it seems it happens kind of a lot.
Can’t deny, my girlfriend is guilty of every single one of these items at some point in our relationship… Hammer, nail, head. Hooo boy.
I currently have a distant one-way one-side sexual semi-friendship with a woman who exhibits 10 of these 15… She has a 4 year old lil girl which I adore…. Admitingly the relationship began on a sexual basis only but het babie father tragically passed away in a motorcycle accident… Thinking she would break it off with me I figured his passing would be the end of us but she began to invite me to be around her more & her family; which confused me for a short time because it was just a sexual thing but time took its toll & now that I do want to be with her, plus shes the only woman I want to be intimate with; she began doing 10 of the above 15 to me… I still try & do “manly tasks” for her like Goghanging her timing belt on her breaking down car when she needs… I used to at least get calls for no reasons just for her to say hi but once I started to want her too it seems shes run away….
But thats just my problem in the least…
What id loke to take away from this posting most is the phrase of the carpet installer:
“She makes every day better.”
Ladies we men often find women who we know could make us feel this way but then for some reason many women do several of the above 15 acts & basically it right on as titled “How to loose a man; forever”…
And to be honest; in my current dealing with the woman I want to be with who “just wants to be single & have sex with only me” isnt really having sex with me at all anymore either along with treating with 10 of the above listed traits; gone forever is soon what I will be from her… And sure shes cute & I want to be WIth her but lets face it she has a vagina & truth be told its by far easier for women to “date & choose” than for men…