How to Lose a Woman…Forever

Raymond Bechard summarizes Travis McGee’s views on women into 22 rules to losing the love of your life forever.

Only a woman of pride, complexity and emotional tension is genuinely worth the act of love, and there are only two ways to get yourself one of them. Either you lie, and stain the relationship with your own sense of guile, or you accept the involvement, the emotional responsibility, the permanence she must by nature crave. I love you can be said only two ways.

Travis McGee, The Deep Blue Good-By, 1964

If you’ve never read any of John D. MacDonald’s “Travis McGee” novels, you should immediately go get yourself all 21 volumes beginning with The Deep Blue Good-by (1964) to The Lonely Silver Rain (1984). Once you start you won’t stop. And though you’ll be able to finish them all by summer’s end, don’t. Savor them.

What makes these books so special?  You’ll learn all about what it took to be a man when MacDonald started writing the books during the “Man Men” era, and how to be one 50 years later. You’ll look at life—and being a man—differently.

Who is Travis McGee? He’s a self-described “Salvage Consultant,” a kind of private detective who finds things for people, important things. Then he keeps half the value as his fee. He lives on a houseboat in Fort Lauderdale. He is a bad-ass philosopher and critic of modern day life. His observations on being a man, a human and an inhabitant of planet earth are timeless.

Along the way Travis offers insights into women that will bring your thinking to a sudden, jolting halt, turn it, and send it on its merry way in an entirely new direction. Basically, everything you’ve read about the ladies in Men’s magazines for the last half-century is a repeat of something Travis McGee already said. While all of it is valuable in some way (and should be taken with a 21st century grain of salt) the most valuable piece of advice he has remains the same. It goes something like this: Treat a woman so that she knows you believe she is the most important and interesting person you have ever met and will ever meet.

McGee’s advise on women is often harsh—to both men and women. His cynicism will cut you and leave you stinging. He’s not the kind of man to gently nudge you awake. He’s more of a slap in the face guy. Having read all 21 books multiple times, I’ve summarized Travis McGee’s view on women. In the McGee tradition of constant sarcasm and criticism, this compilation is a list of rules to break if you would like to lose a woman forever.

1. Don’t protect her.

She’s a big girl. There’s no reason to help her feel safe in the way she needs to feel safe. There are no guarantees in life so it’s not rational to expect security in relationships. (And nothing is more rational than love.) Her emotional security is paramount to her. This means she wants to rely on you to always be there for her and can count on you to be her best friend. Allow her to feel alone and abandoned, and you will experience both.

2. Don’t respect her.

Simple. Treat her like crap. If she doesn’t take it, she’ll leave and you’ll be miserable. If she does, she’ll stay and you’ll both be miserable. Treating her like the extraordinary woman she is will only increase her expectations, attitude, and hope, and courage, and affection, and love …

3. Don’t listen to her.

Every time she talks either tune her out or try to solve her problems. Do not, under any circumstances come to the realization that her feel­ings are the prob­lem she needs to com­mu­ni­cate to you. She doesn’t want you to DO anything. (After all, if she wanted your help she would ask for it. Seriously, she will.) And if you wanted her to feel closer to you than anyone else in the world you would not lis­ten to her prob­lems, but to her feel­ings. That takes paying sharp attention to her and learning how to really listen beyond her words. You would have to look at her as a person of near limitless emotional capacity. And all of that would only show her how much you truly value her. Who has that kind of time?

4. Look at her like an object.

All your life you’ve been sizing women up, judging them, taking in their physical being the same way you do with cars, boats or maybe fishing gear. Women are their words, their silence, their movement, the expressions, their work, their art, their friends, their children, their emotions, their thoughts, their hearts and their minds. They are more complex than anything else in the world. If you’re lucky, you might be smart enough to take on the challenge of understanding one someday.

5. Take her for granted.

Let her know she’s nothing special. Devalue everything she does, especially the things she does for you. If you want to make her miserable, sad, hopeless, or just lose her self-esteem make sure she knows she really doesn’t mean that much to you. You can’t be bothered with the fact that she’ll be looking for some kind of positive affirmation from you every day. And giving it to her is not something you can do once a month or week, on holidays or special occasions. She knows you appreciate her when you work at it all the time, especially those times when you don’t have to.

6. Don’t let her know she is important.

This one’s easy. If her father let her know that she is important as a person and you don’t show her the same thing, she won’t even consider a real relationship with you (because she knows you’re wrong.) However, if he didn’t teach her these things (making him was a heartless jerk) then you have to go along with him. Otherwise, if you try to prove her father wrong and treat her with the love and respect she deserves, she will fight you. She may never unbelieve her father’s lie. But if you do choose to take on the job, commit to it like a man.

7. Don’t let her know she is interesting.

Don’t show any interest in her life, her passions, her story, her friends, work, hobbies, troubles, etc. Showing her she bores you is the best way to prove to her that she will never be her best with you.

8. Cheat.

No joking around on this one. Don’t cheat. Have the courage to say no or the decency to end the relationship. Stop and think of the damage you are doing to her for the rest of her life. However, if you want to permanently kill a good section her heart then go ahead. Tell yourself whatever you want. She will never recover, especially if she stays with you.

9. Don’t commit. 

She’ll feel fine if you can’t commit to anything, large or small. Can’t make little plans because of work or your family or your friends or your other interests? No problem. She’ll make plans without you. Can’t make big plans like spending the rest of your life with her? She’ll make those plans without you as well.

10. Don’t kiss her. 

If you don’t want her, don’t touch her. And especially don’t kiss her. However, if you want to be a man, shut up and take five completely uninterrupted minutes every day to hold her and kiss her.

11. Don’t cherish and adore her.

Don’t pay any attention to the needs she’s had since she was a child. Yes she is all grown up, but there is a part of the little girl she once was still living inside her. She needs your help in telling the little girl that everything is going to be okay because she is truly loved. Yeah, she can certainly handle that on her own, or with somebody else.

12. Don’t provide for her. 

Screw Travis McGee. It’s the 21st Century and women should be able to carry their own weight. Sorry, but if you can’t provide for her financially she will never be able to completely rely on you. She needs to count on you no matter what happens. Unpredictability is her worst enemy and the world is becoming more unpredictable ever day. You must be her safe harbor, her one place to go when it all goes to hell.

13.  Don’t compliment her.

If you want her to find proof that she is attractive from someone else, don’t show her how attracted you are to her. If you want her to know how much you adore her, tell her how your attraction to her makes you feel. “Seeing your eyes make me feel like I’m really home,” is better than, “You have nice eyes.” But don’t do that. You’d have to examine all the great feelings she gives you. And who needs that much self awareness?

14. Ignore Adventure.

Needing security must mean she wants routine and dullness, right? Do you realize how much a woman wants adventure? Not the adventure of being with you or the ups and downs of your relationship, but the adventures—large and small—you embark on together. She wants to be safe/secure enough in you so that you are the only one she will dare travel with on the adventures she desires so deeply.

15. Don’t surprise her.

Going to the trouble to be spontaneous or romantic without her knowing proves to her that she is precious to you. She needs to see you going to a lot of trouble for her to truly know she is loved and safe. That’s a lot of work.

16. Don’t romance her.

Your first date was a long time ago. No need to act like that idiot anymore. It’s probably best to just settle into a routine and ignore her need for unique expressions of your love for her. On the other hand, if you bring her out on a “first date” once in a while, or go out of your way for her romantically, you will reset the emotional freshness of her heart and your relationship.

17. Don’t be a hero.

She may not want you to solve all her problems, but she definitely wants a champion. Who the hell even knows what that means? It’s a fine line to walk. And it’s only attempted by the truest of men with the utmost courage and conviction.

 18. Don’t take her anywhere. 

She is feeling things emotionally that you will never even come close to. Imagine all emotions—good and bad—are rocks. Someone hands two identical rocks to you and to your woman. To you it feels like a rock. To her it’s a boulder. The weight of all that, all day, every day, gets to be a burden. Weather you take her to dinner, a spa, on vacation, or just sit and watch her try on dresses, you will be her hero for taking her out from under her own personal pile of boulders.

19. Don’t change your habits.

Let pride be your guide. Never improve. You’ve gone far too long becoming just as perfect as you are. Why switch up your game now? Remember, compromise and consideration has no place in relationships … unless you want them to work. Anyway, who has strength enough to be flexible?

20. Hate apologizing. 

If you wanted to make this work, you would love apologizing. Point out your mistakes and apologize for them until she tells you to stop. But, that will only make her trust you and rely on your decency and trustworthiness as a man.

21. Don’t learn what emotional intimacy is.

Forget that emotional intimacy is the utterly close connection that will exist only when you are truly committed to and trust one another. It means you are both devoted to the well being and individual growth of the other, that you fully trust her and her you. It means knowing with absolute certainty that you are perfectly safe with each other. So, you would have to take the time to find a woman with whom you can build trust and be yourself. Worst of all it would mean not just accepting her for who she is, but celebrating who she is.

22. Don’t man up and deal with it.

You have issues. Everybody does. But you’re strong enough to handle them and not let them affect your life or your relationships. Certainly, you don’t need to deal with your past, your humiliations, shame, failures, addictions, etc. Getting help and staying strong only means you’re weak.

If none of these rules make sense then you need to meet my friend, Travis McGee. He is waiting for you on his boat, The Busted Flush, docked at slip F-18 at the Bahia Mar Marina in Fort Lauderdale.

You may also enjoy: How to Lose a Man…Forever

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Photo credit: Flickr / KirkOls

About Raymond Bechard

Raymond Bechard is an Author, Speaker and Human Rights Advocate. He has worked against injustice and for the freedom of all people for over twenty years. He often advises social justice organizations in their mission to bring hope and encouragement to the world. Among other writings he is the author of the recently published book, "The Berlin Turnpike: A True Story of Human Trafficking in America." Bechard also began Men Against Prostitution And Trafficking, the first anti-human trafficking Political Action Committee in America.


  1. Tobey Morehouse says:

    Just the part about being a slave to feelings, someone elses feelings, we should never hurt the other in our lives, and its never acceptable for the man to do so, but we are to just suck it up because we are men and woman are allowed to hurt us all they want because we hurt them…its senseless

  2. Tobey Morehouse says:

    Steve you hit the nail on the head man! I really appreciate you recognizing this, its what I have been trying to say but didn’t know how to say it. This culture and idea is absurd.

  3. Tobey Morehouse says:

    When did we get to the point in society where everything in a relationship depends on the Mann’s actions and treatment of their partner. Are we so afraid of the sentiment of being chauvinistic that everything now is up to the man do everything right, to eat the full brunt, weight, and responsibility of a relationship? The woman has no culpability in the success or failure of it….I have read many articles on this page, many of them are great well written, and insightful…but when did the world become so afraid of the backlash of woman that now they seem to have almost no responsibility for the relationship, Maybe im from a dying breed where a marriage, a relationship is 50/50. I particularly like number 22, really? Im so tired of this idea that men need to just man up, suck it up and make it work…one half this page is progressive in nature in getting to understand the emotional side of men, then turn around and say suck it up….that makes no sense. There is no reason that this shouldn’t be geared for both individuals in a relationship….the relationship is not wholly dependent on male actions and reactions, the other person is a grown individual responsible for their own actions and reactions as well, stop making it about sex.

  4. Lily-Anne says:

    I find it interesting that some of the comments are taking exception to the fact that this article is directed at men. Really? After all the endless articles telling women how to keep their man, how to change their hair, their body, their clothes, their scent, just to keep a man happy? I think this is a very well-written article and very well-said. Wish it were as well-received.

  5. Priceless. This should be given to every man. There should be one on how to lose him in all fairness.

  6. Men aren’t men anymore. They have become slaves to “feelings” and all of societies ways of trying to make you normal. Relationships have become such a drain on life that it pretty much just isn’t worth it anymore.

  7. thaiece says:

    Its sad men have no clue how women are wired we are not the same read the bible please

    • Joanna Schroeder says:

      Wait… Are you saying that the bible says women are wired differently than men?

      As in, your retort is that Eve came from Adam’s rib?

  8. Biblically speaking, man is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. As the head of the household, when he is in order, then it flows down to everyone and everything else to work together for the good of the home/family. Man is charged by God to do so, in return the wife cannot help but to fees off of your leadership which will exhi bit all of the qualties that are spoken about in this article. Just as plain and simple as that. Love her as Christ loved the church. She was not created to be over you, under you, but beside you. From your rib, under your arm to be protected. She is a helpmate.

  9. Anonymous says:

    As A Woman,These are exactly the ways to lose me!! Great Article!!! Men!! Stop making everything about you,this was an article specifically for Women and How to treat Us and yet when I read all of the comments by Men,it’s a lot of whining and “what about how we want to be treated” questions and blah blah blah….this article (if you listened which I see all of you didn’t) would help you in dealing with Women…But Nooooooooooooo you are making it ALL ABOUT YOURSELVES (as usual) SMH….you guys will never learn what it takes.

    • Exactly. And here in lies the problem with us and them. They always find a way to divert the attention away from them in a weak attempt to exonerate themselves from wrong doing. They are so bitter and refuse to take an opportunity to learn and better themselves as such. Instead they want to point fingers and blame rather than just respecting what they’re told and work on it. Makes me sick really. Here is an opportunity to learn. Instead they use it as an opportunity to complain how women do it too. I’m pretty sure this author has written for the opposing sex as well. But they’re too busy trying to point fingers than learn.

    • Ms. Anonymous & Ms. Akynos, I believe you are missing some of these guys points. I apologize if both of you are Mrs. But, I will safely assumed that you indeed are Ms… I think we all know what the article is about, the title is written in bold. The point some of these men are pointing out is that it simply goes both ways. The era of the 1920’s are long gone. The stone age men are gone, as well as the housewife, no room for either in this modern world. They came out with a book for you women “Think like a man”. It’s about time for another: “Think like a woman”. I want a woman who’s gonna hold her own and be accountable for her actions. She better be just as ambitious as me, and career driven. I don’t believe for an instance that chivalry is dead, I just believe that rudeness have crept in and walk over chivalry. You see their use to be a time when a man would hold the door open for a woman and she will say thank you. Nowadays a man hold a door open for a woman she walks right through like a boss and doesn’t bat an eye, b/c nowadays once again, most are living in this generation of sense of entitlement. A lot of women are smart and know how to use the system to their advantage. So to all my fellas NEVER ever get a woman pregnant while your young or out of wedlock. DO NOT w/o a doubt get married w/o a prenup unless she’s rich or have her own money or you don’t have nothing to lose. So protect yourself, fallen for the big butt and smile days are over, and school is in MF session. I not a firm believer of things will change, I think it will only get worse from here. Marriage is a complete joke these days, trust and integrity is on the grill well done. But, hey let’s have fun: Love, Laugh, Live & enjoy life to the fullest, so I recommend get a vasectomy and go balls to the wall, invest in a lot of plastic. You will know within do time when to settle, until then just don’t settle.

  10. “You must be her safe harbor, her one place to go when it all goes to hell.”

    And if it all goes to hell for you, well, obviously you’re not a man so you deserve to lose her forever.

  11. So why do we have 15 and they have 22?
    Shoots rhe whole equality theory all to hell, doesn’t it?

  12. Tommy Johnson says:

    This is dumb.What about how to lose a man forever?
    If we do alllllll this stuff, we’re the perfect guy. What woman REALLY wants that? Let’s be honest.

  13. Al Porter says:

    I’ didn’t do any of these things and I still can’t get the crazy ex to stop harassing me. I was hoping on some tips in this article. Oh well.

  14. The reason I say reading this has me concerned about society as a whole is because I have sat here and read this whole thing and even a lot of the various comments and wow some of you are absolutely something else. First off this article should revolve around both genders not just one. If both men and women were to follow these rules.. really learned to respect and love one another your relationship would grow into something truly great. Women should also learn to follow these rules. I have known countless men who loved their wives with everything they had. Many of these same men would go around bragging about how much they loved their wife and their family only to be let down and crushed by the woman they so much loved over some of these same rules being broken. It goes both ways ladies. Don’t think I am looking at just women here because there are plenty of men too who are complete dogs.

    One thing I have to clear up right away because it is really disturbing to me is some of these comments on here saying “we carry a baby for 9 months” stuff. Please stop right now with that ignorance. To me and many other men out there you are making it sound like you are creating excuses to lift yourself up above men like you should be treated like a goddess. I do agree women should be treated like gold. Like you mean something to the one you love. But you ladies need to learn to treat men the same, you are not better than us or should you expect to be treated as such. Learn to walk in the sands of life beside one another. Not one in front of the other.

    In theory these rules as a whole sounds great. Unfortunately majority of women especially the younger lack the appreciation and the desire to have those things in their life. I have heard countless times from women talk about how they want a good man and then go straight to the polar opposite of what they were just talking about. Not all women but a very good majority do just that. Then they want to sit and complain about them knowing there are much better men out there who would be more than happy to give them a much better life but they refuse to leave. Those of you who do this should really sit down and reevaluate things. Think about your future on down the road and how that guy will treat you. Do you really believe this guy will actually change one day? Quit going for the bad boy. They will do nothing but bring you sadness and grief luring you into a dark void of hate and despair. Why put yourself through that when you can go for a man who can make you truly happy if you let him in and allowed him to do so. Many of you will never do that though because you feel like a good simple man is boring. Not trying to be negative but it is simply the truth. In a lot of ways it is a display of your own maturity as to what kind of guy you really desire. Give a good man a chance too, just because someone hurt you in your past doesn’t mean the next guy doesn’t deserve a new chance and to be treated the same as the last. This guy might be the one if you let him in. If you don’t you are only letting that loser in your past get the best of you and you may kill a spark that you may later regret. That loser is the past for a reason, something to learn from for your present and make you a better and happier person for the future.

    The phrase nice guys finish last comes true in a lot of cases. Throughout my own life going in and out of several relationships in my time I have learned a lot of things. With each failed relationship I try to gain something from them and grow to become a better person from them. It is through majority of those experiences and seeing the experiences of others that caused me to think many of these rules should in theory apply but they actually don’t apply in a lot of cases. You know, I have always tried everything I could to show I care. display my affection, give them attention, show them respect, listen to their problems and do my best to help them solve their problems. I have went above and beyond for women. Even had a exes I loved so very much that if she woke me up in the middle of the night and told me she was sad or she was hungry I would do everything to fill their needs or wants sacrificing my rest or things I desired for them doing my best to comfort or put a smile on their face because that meant everything to me. In the end I would always be betrayed, feeling unloved, unappreciated for the things I do, put down like I am always doing something wrong when I know I wasn’t. Yeah you can go on to say “well you just wasn’t meeting the right kind of women” and in a way I would agree. But I have met all kinds of various women with multiple personalities and beliefs only to meet the same general kinds of fate. I even went to date a lady who was a old friend of mine and we were very close only to have her 3 years down the road of our relationship put me down and betray me with running around with another man behind my back in the end. Don’t get me wrong though not all the women in my life did terrible things and all of that I just wanted to express that women too do awful things to men too. There are women in my life who are wonderful people and some I think more than the world of. But these very same women understand it goes both ways. The one who loves me knows I respect and love her as well. We walk together in the sands of life beside one another, not in front of one another. Find you a good man ladies who will love and respect you and do the same for him. Level minded and down to earth is the best way to be. Some of you really need to stop thinking it is all about you and learn to walk together. Give and receive, men want to be loved to and showed they are admired. You expect to be treated a certain way give the one you love that treatment as well.

    • Rob –

      I agree. I really wish the media would stop separating the sexes, because what I see and hear from men and women is exactly the same. We’ve all loved and been hurt. Men are just as guilty pining for women they can’t have. See, it’s really all the same all around…we’re humans. Stay away from the people who don’t know how to love and those who just don’t see you as a fit for them. No amount of love is going to change their mind. If in a relationship, always be respectful to each other and your life will change.

    • Allan Wesley says:

      Most of us are going to have more than one relationship before we find that one person we ultimately want to be with. In reading your reply, I get the sense that communication could have been better in your relationships and maybe that was the issue.

    • Anonymous says:

      That sounds like great ways to lose the man of your life too.

    • Comes down to ONE thing: you’re choosing the wrong women. Stop whining and playing a victim and choose better.

    • Rebecca says:

      LI’ve this article and love this coment.

    • I totally understand your point of view. However, being that the article is geared toward, How To Lose a WOMAN forever is just tips for men. I think every point raised above it critical and should be adhered to. Now, if a woman wants to take a stab at writing an article about How to Lose a Man forever, then there are some valid points to be made. But in the end; the article is on point on so many levels.

  15. Reading this really has me concerned about our society as a whole.

  16. This is great, men really need to read this.


  18. Or you can simply tell her what’s going like a grown man will..

    That’s my opinion!

  19. Just Me says:

    Woman here. Most would describe me as a strong woman who believes in equality. And I can honestly say, doing the things on this list is how my husband has been pushing me away for years. “Feminism” can hang. If a man took the advice in this article to heart with me, I can guarantee you he would have me devoted to him for life.

  20. Jennifer G. says:

    Allow a gal to feel abandoned and alone and you WILL experience both. Yes, agreed.

  21. Jennifer G. says:

    Again, must agree with article. Treat us in a way that we KNOW you believe we
    are the most important and interesting person you have ever met and ever will

  22. Excellent! If a man followed this advice, I don’t see how a woman would ever fight with him or leave him. These are behaviors of a man when he is in love with his woman. I feel if any of these behaviors are hard for him, he’s not truly in love, but rather infatuated or in lust, or just love, But to be in love is a truly rare thing & never feels hard or like work.

  23. J.G. te Molder says:

    Anyone who thinks a human being can fulfill those rules is an idiot.

    Only a properly programmed robot with a remote control that allows a woman to shift if from disposable appliance that will never fail, never break down, to giving her exactly the emotional responses she likes with a push of a button could fulfill all those needs.

    You are not a human being if you merely follow a few of them, and it requires you to devalue your own existence, your own life, as a good little meat shield for her. Don’t worry, you won’t be a hero when you die saving her life, or tore your muscles off of your bones in your efforts to “always provide for her no matter what”, for then you failed, she had to do something on her own after your failure, save her own life, or lift something herself; you will just be the broken wind-up doll that didn’t measure up.

    Also, anyone who doesn’t see the sheer hypocrisy and opposites in the last two, needs his brain examined.

    Men, if you need to do all that to get a men, forget women, you’re better off without them; they’re not worth anything but your RC control unit.

  24. I had written a better message earlier but it disappeared. In short..good list generally, takes it a bit too far but on the whole, good stuff. I think it goes both ways for men and women ofcourse. You both have to behave correctly to ensure a great relationship. Anyone who does tick off more than 10 on this list, i’d guarantee your partner will dump you and be glad to be rid of you. Oh and add in verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and manipulative deceit.. and man.. wipe that smurk off your face..your ass is in the can, you just don’t know it yet! Every mate after you will be a godsend compared to you, if you wish to act like an inconsiderate, selfish brat. So male or female, good list, act intelligently and correctly, you won’t go wrong. Act like a disrespectful fool and well.. your partner will soon be your ex, and thrilled to be with someone who’s better than you in every way.
    Best of luck everyone. Love and partnership done correctly can be the most precious thing you will ever experience. Hope you deserve it, get it and give it.

  25. When am I allowed to expect the exact same things of her?

  26. Feminism was and is very important. Like many movements it will have its own life cycle. The civil rights movement and the labor movement are both in different stages as well. We should never forget why these movements started – all three were sorely needed at a time when certain groups were denied even the most basic human rights and freedoms.
    And like most revolutions and social movements, there are factions in each (American and French Revolution included) where things got out of hand for a while. Castro knew this and nipped the “Thermidor” in the bud before it could do much damage.
    The Feminist movement has betrayed its roots and there is no one strong enough to lead it to its logical conclusion. All men are NOT created equal. Period. Men and Women are NOT equal. Period. But we all deserve equal human rights, dignity and basic human respect. Period. The only thing that bestows that right is the Constitution. Unfortunately it falls short in some places, but the spirit of the document is a good one. It is up to women to unite and push for equality in those areas that are lacking.
    Never forget that it was the progressive white men that helped push those things along. You may hate to acknowledge that, but it must be conceded. To do otherwise is to lose perhaps the most important support group you have. To do so will ensure a backlash against your granddaughters. For goodness sake, read some history books – and not the bullshit they teach you in school! This is all a big pattern that can easily be seen if one takes the time to see it. Those who do get rich, those who do not get left behind – and so do their children.
    If I have been strident in calling “bullshit” here a few times, I make no apologies for that. To protest quietly and politely these days is tantamount to silence. Don’t hate the player…

  27. I agree with some of this, but am very, VERY offended by the bit about financial security.

    And I agree 100% with Megan and Rick, by the way. Why exactly do I need constant reassurance of every possible kind from my boyfriend? That would somewhat indicate that I do not think of myself as a complete person in my own right .

    Also, we are both currently unemployed following graduating from university – I’m not about to leave him because he can’t “provide” for me. It’s a tough climate for graduates, and we’re both trying our hardest to get a job. In fact, when and if we have the money and the will to move in together, we will both “provide” for each other – not sure I like that turn of phrase either – perhaps “pooling our resources” is better?

    Also, Sirah Kahn, I’m a liiiiittle put out by your blanket generalisation of feminists – while on the one hand I do see your point – that political movements are not often primarily concerned with relationships – with feminism this is not the case (“the personal is political”, etc). In fact, surely equality and respect is a bedrock of any successful and loving relationship?

  28. You should add … He runs to mommy and tell her everything that annoys him so she can trash bash your relationships over and over again.


    After it all falls apart, you can take care of business like a man who wants to be a woman.

  30. Thank you for your concern Zigy. I know my post is quite long. I was trying to be mildly entertaining while making a serious point. Apparently I have failed on both counts.
    I am hurt as the result of my impending divorce. But it would be intellectually dishonest to dismiss my perspective as merely the angry diatribe of a bitter divorced guy. I can be strident in such discussions but I make no apologies for that. My real frustration is with the blind adherence to what I see as a culture of inappropriate female worship. Any man who steps out of bounds on this topic is quickly dismissed. This is how such communities work – I get that.
    My sons and daughter are growing up with ridiculous messages about gender roles and honestly it is creeping me out. I am an atheist, and I see blind religious zeal as a bizarre and twisted phenomenon that I can neither grasp nor explain. In the same way, I see two camps in these gender discussions – the feminist camp and the male chauvinist camp – and they are equally bizarre and troublesome to me as a man and as a father. This forum seems to be an attempt to provide another perspective. At least I hope it is!
    These things cannot easily be discussed in twitter-length sound bites. I am not that good a writer! I need some room to flesh things out. Most people don’t have the time to read. So although I am wrong for trying to fit long-ish pieces into this type of forum, my hope is that at least one man out there might read what I have to say and reflect on it. And if we are all lucky, a woman or two might see past the bias and defensiveness and read with an open mind.
    Much of what I see these days in online discussions is disappointing. The only defense seems to be to attack the messenger and try to engage in either some sort of virtual psychotherapy/analysis, or just troll like attacks. Which, in this case ironically, proves my point. Zigy, this last part does not apply to you. But I suspect you know what I mean.
    Thanks for responding.

    • zigy kaluzny says:

      thanks for your public appreciation. i do hear the frustration and confusion (which we all, of both genders, experience).
      As you said this is not something that can be addressed in a public forum, so i would encourage you to find a men’s group*, where you can get support in all these areas — divorce and its fallout, men/women relationships, and all the other critical issues you raised and are, like most men, honestly struggling with. Attempting to look at — and actually SEE — what is going on alone is impossible. i know how easy it is for me to mind-f**k myself when i begin to go there; either i blame myself completely, or get angry about the ways i believe i was not appreciated. i know i cannot give myself a reality check, so i need others — intimate friends, therapist — to help me do that.
      * is a men’s organization that has helped me get clearer about a lot of these life-long questions that have finally come to the surface thru my own relationship struggles. MKP also has open men’s groups, and the NWTA (as you’ll see on the site) is an opportunity to do some profound work on your core issues when you are ready. I do work with some men on Men’s issues and would be available if you want to talk.
      No idea where you are, but I am in Boulder, CO, and if you would like to communicate directly (MODS — my offer!) you can reach me by searching by first name or else

    • The Wet One says:

      Keep up the good work Rick. You have made many valid points. Our society talks a good game on equality, but it sure as hell doesn’t follow through with equality on the ground and in behaviour.

      That’s been my observation.


      The Wet One

      • When men can get pregnant, carry a baby 9 months, and breast feed, and have an estrogen based biochemistry and physiology, including the biochemistry and neurophysiology of the brain, then we’ll have equality.

        Better: We bring our different gifts to the table, and work as loved and appreciated teammates.

        • Almost forgot: When the female on male and female on child (of both genders) is equal to the current male on female and male on child (of both genders) rape rate, then we’ll have equality.

          Males, through the ages, have always been by far the perpetrators of rape, and we’re still suffering the lag time fall out and effects of this.

          For this reason, if a husband initiates the stuff on the above list, he creates trust, and his wife will respond in kind. (In the majority of cases.)

        • Thanks for the reply Danna. I stepped away for a few weeks.

          Men and women are not equal and never will be. That is my whole point. It will be a very long time and take much evolutionary tinkering until women become as physically strong as men – and I sure hope that men are never able to have babies.

          Nature evolved us differently for myriad complex reasons. For humans to judge this and continue to deny this in our social structures – in both the abusive ways and the politically correct – is bizarre to me. 100 years ago we didn’t know better. Now we do.

          Women and men complement each other. Those relationships that work, I think are those in which both partners value the other. And most importantly, those in which neither partner allows feminists/jerks to sway their opinion against their mate for reasons that have nothing to do with the two of them.

          Many men and women see the more strident feminists gaining ground with younger women and this is rightly perceived as manipulation. Just like ethical people warn us about the dangers of vice, war, abuse, etc. and get ignored or labelled. So too will today’s men who speak out against feminism.

  31. Rick, stay single

    • Thanks Lea. I will likely do as you suggest unless I can find a true partner – both emotionally and intellectually.

      In the meantime I am trying to balance these conversations. Some will abhor my perspectives, but my story is a very real one and my feelings are also very real. I hope that gets at least some respect here, but I have long since lost faith in the abiity of others to think rationally and to be fair and decent. It seems that most posters in such blogs and forums react emotionally and without critically examining why they say what they say.

      Thanks for responding.

    • Stunned.
      Been reading and re-reading Rick’s astonishingly angry and frustrated post, working thru all the possible ways to communicate something to him that might be of value and other than “you’re just so wrong…”

      But realize that there is really nothing to say until all that anger at himself and women is addressed. I hope Lea’s suggestion is not the only solution for him.

      Rick, I hear from your long — and in my judgement — obsessive post that something(s) happened to leave you in such pain. If an important relationship that didn’t work, i get it. same here, but despite your words about women, that anger sounds more directed at yourself than at women. Sorry for the loss…

  32. (Note to mods. This is not intended to be mean-spirited. Perhaps biting and sarcastic at times. It is long, but you might get more eyeballs out of it. Give it a chance!).

    Remittance Girl – In spirit I agree with you. The problem is that when one gets to the underlying damage such sentiments can have, it doesn’t sound as cute or nice or idealistic. I would suspect that many women appreciate such a list – but they should detest it! Consider my revised list below:

    1. Don’t protect her. This should happen only rarely and goes without saying. This is like providing a recipe for gefilte fish – nice to have, but not very useful to us in this lifetime. Besides, why would a woman need constant protection unless you live in a war zone? To women – Don’t put your man in the position of constantly having to defend you unless you are a politician, writer, or activist. Men- if your woman is in constant need of protection, dump her and find someone who will not endanger herself, you and your children so much.

    2. Don’t respect her. To women- if you are with a man and he does not respect you – leave. Besides, this sort of thing is driven by family, religious, tribal, and social norms as much as anything else. So if you are feeling disrespected, I would be willing to bet you are in a society that tolerates this. Move. To the good men – we know you don’t disrespect your woman, keep up the good work. To disrespectful men – we know women are attracted to you because you are a bad boy. Do what you will, but it is time to step up and take responsibility. They keep blaming your crap on the good guys. Do the right thing. And if you disrespect me I will find you and kick your ass.

    3. Don’t listen to her. Goes without saying. However, I believe that this applies more to women. Women will listen, but they tend to apply their own meaning to things. A man will say “I don’t want to hang out with you tonight because I am tired” and she will hear something like “I don’t like hanging out with you when I am tired” and it becomes a life sentence. Be careful how you define “listening”. I would offer this. To men and women – make a conscious effort every day to understand your partner. Actively listen, paraphrase back what you hear, and seek clarification.

    4. Look at her like an object. WRONG! Of course men will look at women like objects. Some things are programmed by genetics and evolution. Deal with it. However, we should not TREAT her like an object. Men want affection too. We have been trained to let this go because women suck at giving it. The old stereotypes need to die the miserable death they have coming to them. To women – we stare at you because you dressed to get our attention, so don’t be so surprised when we do look. Your call on the wardrobe choices, so deal with the consequences. To men- don’t whistle at women or demean them. Walk up and say hi and try to woo them. That is the way nature intended it. In the meantime look all you want but don’t be a jerk about it in front of your current girlfriend. If she complains about you looking and you are being discreet, she is an insecure egomaniacal little girl and will make your life a living hell. LEAVE HER NOW! You have been warned!

    5. Take her for granted. Everyone does this, so it is not fair for either partner to ask. I am calling BS on this one. Instead I would offer – TRY not to take each other for granted. Just as much a female transgression as a male problem.

    6. & 7 – Don’t let her know she is important/interesting. We are in a committed relationship. We spend every day and night together – holidays, vacations, weekends. If you don’t get it that you are important to us and if you are such a narcissist that you need that much constant reassuring, we have clearly chosen the wrong woman. Your man should leave you post haste and you might want to talk to someone about that ego problem. To women – really? To men – if you need to reassure your woman constantly, she is pathologically insecure and will betray you the minute you let up on the adulation. You have been warned.

    8. Cheat. Fair enough. I have a lot to say about how this one rule has unraveled western civilization. The divorce rate, crimes of passion, spousal abuse – I could go on. All of this because of the obsession over cheating. This needs to change. It will actually, but it won’t be pretty. Humans don’t change or fight back until the pain level is very high.

    9. Don’t commit. Bullsh!t. The pressure to commit may be the number one reason for divorce. Men all know this. It is the women who seem to not get it. To women- do you really want to “land” your man through emotional manipulation and coercion? To men- if your woman pressures you into this (and no woman will EVER admit to doing this), she will never trust you. She will always see you as a sap who was so easily coerced into getting married. She will always fret over this and will daily imagine what that sexy secretary at work can coerce you into if you are so easy to manipulate. You have been warned.

    10. Don’t kiss her. This goes both ways. Why is it aimed at men?

    11. Don’t cherish and adore her. Adore? Really? Wow. I realized just now that God is indeed a woman. This is a disgusting suggestion.

    12. Don’t provide for her. Provide what? This is one of the sharpest double-edged swords in modern history. All men know what I mean without even explaining it. To Women – get a clue. To Men – watch your ass on this one!

    13. Don’t compliment her. See # 6 and 7.

    14. Ignore Adventure. Ok. I am with you on this one.

    15. Don’t surprise her. Ha! You must be kidding. To men- get a surprise wrong just once. JUST ONCE. And see how easy this is to obey over time. Good luck! To women – please provide us with the eight volume tome on the rules of engagement for surprises. We need this in writing please.

    16. Don’t romance her. Screw you! Romance me you jerk! Virtually every romantic piece of art – almost every single painting, sculpture, song, poem or cheesy act of chivalry has been invented and produced by men. This is one of the truly big ass hairy lies of all time. To men – keep up the good work. To women – if your man doesn’t romance you, he is likely an Alpha male and let’s be honest here; you are not with him because he is romantic. Stop complaining at ALL men because you chose a specific subset of non-romantic man. Have your fun, but stop complaining to the good men for the failures of the bad ones. The bad ones don’t give a crap and the good guys are weary of your schizoid behavior. I am calling big BS on this one. If I hear this one more time I will cry on the inside.

    17. Don’t be a hero. To say this is akin to spitting in the face (or on the grave) of every man who has ever died defending freedom, a woman’s honor or saving someone from a burning building. The gender balance is so asymmetrical on this one I can barely believe you have the temerity to post this. You should hang your head in shame Mr. Bechard – in shame.

    18. Don’t take her anywhere. Ok. Deal! Where would you like to go (snicker, snicker) honey?

    19. Don’t change your habits. Wow. Another slap in the face. In other words, in this generic list to all men, you are saying that you must change. Sight unseen you are wrong and broken and must change from the get-go. Men – Q: You know who changes his habits constantly in the vain hope of pleasing his women? A: YOU do. Q: You know who does NOT change his habits? A: Men with real power. Q: You know who women flock to like moths to a flame? A: You do the math. Women – how does it make you feel to see this in writing. You should be ashamed of yourself for agreeing with this.

    20. Hate apologizing. F-you. All kidding aside, this one may be more offensive than #17.Women owe men an apology for this list and for the long historical list of Machiavellian scheming, lying, cheating and manipulation that has broken some of the best good decent men out there throughout time because they did their best to “man up” and deal with your crap. Not only do they deserve an apology, but they deserve a lifetime of recompense. An apology doesn’t quite cut it- you must make amends. Work that first out and then come back to us and talk of apologies. Remember the sexual revolution? You won ladies. Now it is your turn

    21. Don’t learn what emotional intimacy is. We already know all about this. This “relationship” has two players in it. If you shut us out more than a few times, you will lose our trust ladies. Period. And once lost, you must earn that trust back if that is even possible. If you EVER ONCE lay there like a log while we try to make love with you, you can say goodbye to intimacy. This is such a creepy and weird behavior that it is indescribable. Do this once and you have just made yourself an object. Who then, is to blame for the whole objectification of women? Generally women are not held accountable for their actions, so they will never admit this. To women – cover your ears for a minute. To men – if your woman withholds sex, intimacy, affection, caring concern, or comfort without a damn good reason (her period, illness, bad day at work, something else not your fault) then ditch her now. Otherwise you will live a soulless life of no intimacy from her. She will use this as a weapon against you and will then go on websites complaining about how you don’t give her any intimacy You have been warned.

    22. Don’t man up and deal with it. Ok, say this to my face tough guy. If by “Man up” you mean “put up with her emotional tyranny and abuse every day without pushing back or complaint, otherwise you are something less than a man” then #22 may be the one rule that it at the root of all of our gender problems. I ask you to reflect deeply and critically on this one. To men – if you feel under constant bombardment from your woman and you feel like lashing out, don’t. You are still a man whether you like sports or not, whether you can fight or not, or whether you put up with emotional abuse from a woman or not. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Stay strong but lay down the law if she pulls this crap even once and be prepared to walk out the door. Your children will suffer and you will doom your boys to a lifetime of emotional hell if you let her get away with this. Read the quote from Burt Reynolds elsewhere on this site for an idea of how such things from our childhood play out with tough guys.

    To women –You are ruining the last of the good men. Thanks to the interwebs, the young men of today are learning how to be man up and be players and pick up artists… and damn if it isn’t working for them! They are tired of being mistreated by their women. Young men trust you. They trusted their mothers. Then they run into the worst among you who abuse that trust. So they learn how to “man up” from assbag men who would have you back in the kitchen in a burka making them a sammich. And it was YOU who asked them to man up.

    You shall reap what you sow – don’t blame this one on us.

    You have been warned.

  33. I don’t think this article is drivel. I think it’s incredibly hard to keep this kind of a standard with anyone over time. And it deserves an almost identical list about for men. This list isn’t sexist, it just needs to be acknowledged that there is nothing on here that isn’t applicable to how to lose a man you love. People have balked at the ‘provide for her’, but couples go through financial highs and lows, independently. And at some point, whether you are a male or a female, you better be prepared to share when your partner hits the rocks. Yes, this is an idealistic list, but it’s nothing that a decent human being should not hope from another if they care for each other.

  34. This is among the worst drivel I have read in a long time. Romantic? Yes. Noble? Yes. Fun to imagine. Sure. Realistic? Ha!

    These are overly simplistic and dangerous unless you are an older man looking for entertainment or inspiration. Young men should absolutely not be polluted by this filth! First of all, women are either our equals or they are not. Second of all, we can make generalizations or we cannot. Too many women use rules like these as set of get out of jail free cards all the time.

    What if the listening, as one commenter willingly admits, is verbal abuse? If a man responds in kind, he too is now verbally abusive. If he strikes out physically (as he might justfiably do if it were a man in his face), he is physically abusive. Otherwise he should “suck it up” (#22) and “listen” (#3).

    To even THINK about pointing out such ludicrous double standards opens me up to being judged as something akin to a racist. To those women and beta males who would cast such aspersions I say to you “see rules 3, 19, 20 and 22”

    Men, how did we get here?

  35. If husbands / male life mates initiated these things, then his wife / female life mate, would respond in kind, and flow them all back to him. End result: Total mutuality, where the back and forth flows so seamlessly, the couple themselves can no longer tell who’s initiating, and who’s responding, and visa versa.

    When she is forced to initiate too much (because he’s left a vacuum), then she’s in the mommy role, not the girlfriend and lover role. Who can maintain the hot hornies for her de fact son? No one. (Or very few.)

    That’s why the marriage ends.

    And so, this is an excellent list.

    • Bullshit. Women do NOT respond in kind! This is the whole point of the list – women should be treated differently and like children. That so many fail to see how wrong this is, is surprising to me.

      Sure, women and men are different. And neither gender is better. AND we should respect, love and nurture one another. There are problems in the world and the blame can be laid equally at the feet of both men and women.

      Remember that every single man has been born of a mother. Perhaps the most important influence in a man’s life is his mother first and second the father. “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world”

      Don’t buy into this, please. Use your intellect, reason and critical thinking skills. If you cannot do this, then you have proven that women are truly the weaker sex.

      • Rick, a strong indicator of a bad husband, is his inordinately strong tie to his mother, who treats her son like her de facto husband, because her own husband is so crappy (or she doesn’t have one). This is one of the ways the cycles of dysfunction are passed onto the next generation.

        However, our culture says if a man treats his mother well, then that’s an indicator he’ll be a good husband. That works, but only up to a certain point. Too much of a good thing, becomes bad.

        When the son has the inevitable issues with his wife, he runs back to his mommy for comfort, and she gives it to him. His mother takes the emotional wife role, and he’s run away from his real wife, who he’s put into the mommy role.

        It comes down to whether or not a man can grow up and out of his own immaturity and self-centeredness, in order to initiate the great stuff on the list above. What wife wouldn’t have the hot hornies for a husband who initiates that stuff for her?

        Because of their testosterone based biochemistry and physiology, including the biochemistry and neurophysiology of the brain, men are designed to initiate. Due to estrogen basis, women are designed to respond. This is in the context of the male/female bonded by sex and especially by shared children relationship. Women initiate just fine in the workplace, academia, and as mothers, just fine.

        Again, in time, a wife/lover will respond to whatever her husband feeds her. If it’s the good stuff she’ll give it back, and even initiate. If it’s selfishness, then that’s what she’ll give back. Marriage ends.

        And, marriage ends if she has to be in the mommy role, and initiate too much on net. No one wants to be married to a grown up baby.

        • Oh – we will never be completely equal because only women get pregnant, carry the baby for 9 months, and breast feed. This puts women at a disadvantage in the workplace and even physically.

          An illustration of women’s increased vulnerability during pregnancy: Pregnancy is a textbook time for immature and abusive men to escalate emotional abuse into physical abuse. They do this because they know she is much less able to defend herself, and much less willing to leave him, during pregnancy. They have her, where they want her.

          As neanderthal as that sounds in this day and age, it remains very true, unfortunately.

          And so, if husbands were to initiate the things on the above list, most wives would respond in kind, and a life long love affair, in a happy intact family, ensues. (Kids are much, much happier in tact families, unless they’re subjected to witnessing domestic abuse. Btw, neglect is a type of passive aggressive abuse.)

          • The idea that dv increases against women during pregnancy has been debunked. Additionally it has been proven that women initiate dv as often as men do (and this is not defensive combat but unprovoked attacks).

            Responding to your post further up about mothers and sons and men beung mature–men do not have a monopoly on maturity. There are just as many immature women as men. There are just as many failed relationships due to failings of women as men

    • Miescha says:


  36. #12. Provide for her. Really? Is this 2012 or 1962? My last girlfriend made about as much as I did (about 6-fig), moved in with me, paid me nothing, rented her house out and made that income, and oh by the way her 20-something son also moved in. Was I supposed to provide for both of them indefinitely? How about partnership in a relationship as in equality?

    • Lil Bit says:

      so you asked her to pay her portion of the bills while living together and she refused??

    • “Was I supposed to provide for both of them indefinitely? How about partnership in a relationship as in equality?”
      Your frustrated question prompts me to ask the same as Lil Bit: did you speak up and have a discussion about this, or just allow yourself to fume about it? Partnership involves communication.

  37. Maybe if my husband had read this list we would still be together. By my calculations he is guilty of at least 13 of the points on this list.

  38. CosmicDestroyer says:

    24. Be in a bad dream she had.

    • This is hilarious.
      One night a woke up from a nightmare involving my boyfriend cheating on me, and in a tired, grumpy haze, I successfully shoved him right off the bed.

    • Haha, YES!
      It’s kind of ridiculous to think that breaking any of these rules will ensure the destruction of a relationship. Real relationships with real people are organic processes that are unique to the personal histories and social context of people involved. For example, I find romantic stuff (candle-lit dinners, rose bouquets, etc.) to be a nuisance and hate being surprised but enjoy adventures and trading insults with a guy – and there’s probably some other woman out there who feels the completely opposite way.

  39. 23. LOSE YOUR JOB.

  40. Soullite says:

    In all honesty, some of these ‘rules’ are pure BS. If you actually act this way towards women, no small group of women will assume that because you treat her this way(show her this much attention, go out of your way to please her, bend to her will to often) that you must have a lower value than she does.

    Human psychology is difficult. Making someone happy is far different from giving them what they want. You have to make them feel safe in a situation, and make them think that they’ve gotten the proper value. If you take these suggestions too far (and with some, listen to them at all), a woman will assume that she didn’t get proper value, just as if you don’t take them far enough, she’ll think that she isn’t being properly valued.

    • Yup. Nice guy tokens like nickels in a quarter meter don’t work with women. That’s what this list is. Nice guy tokens. You wanna have women avoid sleeping with you and itching to view you as a door mat. Follow this advice.

      • truth hurts says:

        you are meeting the wrong women

      • Skeggjold says:

        Only if you treat this behavior as “tokens.” Currency you use to get sex. People can sense that, and they aren’t interested. If you are genuinely interested in another person as a person, which may or may not include sexual interest, and treat them the way this list suggests you will build a strong relationship. You have to mean it.

  41. Yeah McGee made Spenser look like a Boston Sissy.
    There is one point you’re missing that likens women to his Rolls Royce pickup truck.
    Something his grandfather told him about trucks and women.
    I hate you I’m going to have to go to the used book store now.

  42. #3: Don’t listen to her

    I figured out that the best way to get through to my very distracted and busy husband was to text him (it gets his attention right away and he responds immediately!)….otherwise, he ignores e-mail (hundreds unread in his mailbox), written notes, or even face-to-face communication (if he feels like he is being confronted, he just slips out of the room in mid-sentence…[steam coming out of my ears!])….

    #18: Don’t take her anywhere

    I hated when my husband would ignore us and just walk out and hang out at the bar or house of his alcoholic friend (I think the English call them “Chavs”)….he would always be out with them (his friend and his then wife…they are divorced now) while I fumed silently at home…..Fast forward several years later, I order tickets for events/shows and schedule time with our friends/relatives….and I am slowly letting some of that past anger and resentment out the smokestack….I think sometimes some women tend to play “The Good Wife” and suffer in silence (it seems unfeminine to complain and cause a ruckus when the men just want to go out and get drunk), instead of calling out bad behavior (stuff that is damaging to trust in a marriage) and just saying what they need (for fear that this would be regarded as “selfish”)…

    • Miescha says:

      I feel the same as you. I don’t get listened to, so now I text in order to get feelings out without getting talked over or interrupted. I end up doing everything with the kids alone. We never go anywhere alone unless it’s our anniversary. The bar is where he prefers to be with his new “friends”. I was silent at first but he’s an angry drunk. I would pretend to be asleep so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. There’s so much on this list that I can relate to. I never ask for much. Dont need constant compliments just respect and love. Funny my little 5 year old son opens doors for me, lets all ladies in first and compliments me on my worst day. Making sure I teach him right.

  43. This is all either basically common sense for any relationship or sexist. I am downright offended by this one: “She is feeling things emotionally that you will never even come close to. Imagine all emotions—good and bad—are rocks. Someone hands two identical rocks to you and to your woman. To you it feels like a rock. To her it’s a boulder.” Are you kidding? My boyfriend is the most emotional person I know–in a good way. I admit that he’s not “typical” for this, but to make the assumption every emotion that I feel I feel more intensely than he does is absurd. Plus, there are some emotions that I rarely feel myself but that every man I know seems to grapple with daily, such as shame and regrets. Maybe that’s just a coincidence, but either way, your statement is absurd.

    • Sirah Kahn says:

      Sorry, Megan, but you sound a bit, well, emotional.

      • Hahaha fair enough. But when we get in a fight, he cries before I do.

        • Sirah Kanh says:

          Yikes. Okay, that may be a whole different thing going on there. Either that or you really know how to fight. You go girl!

          • Wow. Apparently the author is the only one who assumes I have to be more emotional than him. Is not possible that he just has feelings more intensely than I do sometimes?

        • This is a man you are talking about, right?

    • Actually, if you remove the gender- and hetero-specificity, I think it leaves you with very good relationship advice. If you hand two rocks to two people in a relationship- gay, straight, whatever- it is perfectly possible that, at some moment in time, to one of the partners (the man or the woman or the genderqueer person, it really doesn’t matter) the roc will feel like a rock and to the other-one it will feel like a boulder; depending on their personality, what’s going on in their lives at the moment etc. etc.; and that’s when they’ll need the partner’s full support and strenght. Some months or years down the line, in the same relationship, the situation could be reversed.

      Of course, I can see how it could be taken as “women are emotional, so men should be strong” and I can also see why this would be problematic, but I don’t think you have to take it this way. I took it in the way explained above.

  44. PursuitAce says:

    This seems like the complete list, although I don’t see how feminists wouldn’t see this as white knightery at its finest. It confirms to me that I can’t meet the standard for a “good man”. I’ll just settle for a man who still likes himself at the end of the day. That’s something I can live with.

    • Sirah Kahn says:

      Really, who cares what the feminists say? Are they the arbiters of great relationships?

    • Skeggjold says:

      This feminist thinks it’s a great list, and that there are plenty of things women in romantic relationships with men can do to keep those relationships strong and healthy. My husband manages to be my champion and protector without putting me behind him. He respects my strengths and I respect his. Pretty cheesy to try and use feminism as an excuse to behave badly.


  1. […] culled goodmenproject TweetPin It Filed in: News, Relationship & Family […]

  2. […] with permission from ”How to Lose a Woman Forever” on The Good Men […]

  3. […] the interwebz, reading all the famous, top-grossing lists on there: How to Lose a Girl in 10 Days, How to Lose a Woman…Forever, How to Lose a Guy…Forever  10 Ways to Get a Woman to Leave Your Apartment, etc. I thought […]

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