In the end, how much is erotic capital really worth?
In yesterday’s column critiquing Catherine Hakim’s celebration of women’s erotic capital, I shared an anecdote about a student whom I called “Allee.” Allee was a young woman who could have been one of Hakim’s disciples, and in my previous piece, I shared the story of how I challenged her in a professional, responsible, and—I hope—kind way. I didn’t respond to her flirtation, and earned her trust as a result.
But as I’ve written before, I was not always so ethical. During an indefensibly self-indulgent period early in my teaching career (in the mid-1990s), I slept with a number of my students. Most were older than traditional college age; one with whom I had an affair was three years my senior. When we first slept together, I was 29, and she was 32.
“Claire” was a returning student, coming back to college more than a dozen years after dropping out. She was very bright, but like many of those who return to college after years away from academia, anxious about her abilities. Her story was a familiar one: she’d been a clever but underachieving high school student, more interested in social activities than intellectual ones. She used her “erotic capital” with a flair that would have impressed Catherine Hakim, and had a series of older boyfriends.
Claire had gone off to a Cal State campus for one year and partied her way onto academic probation and into eventual dismissal. She had married at 20, had a baby, and stayed home with her daughter for several years. By the time she came to Pasadena City College, she had been divorced for two years, and her daughter was in fifth grade.
In her thirties, much to her surprise, Claire had discovered she loved learning; she loved books, writing, ideas. What had bored her to tears at 17, fascinated her at 32. Her passion was matched by her ability. (It is not always so.) She earned top grades on every test she took and every paper she wrote. And she was funny and lovely; she sat in the front row. Our affair started during the second semester Claire was my student, in the early spring of 1997.
♦◊♦
Claire and I were discreet. Of course, she wasn’t the only person (or, for that matter, the only student) I was dating. Neither of us wanted a serious relationship. None of her classmates knew; even as word spread across campus of my reckless and sordid indiscretions with others, no one discovered what was happening with Claire.
Claire eventually transferred to a nearby liberal arts college renowned for recruiting promising non-traditional students; I wrote her a glowing letter of recommendation. And it was when I handed her a copy of the letter of recommendation that I realized yet another damaging aspect of teacher-student affairs, and one that goes to the heart of what’s so wrong about encouraging the use of “erotic capital.”
Claire looked at the letter and smiled. Her smile faded, though, and I asked her what was wrong. I’d praised her exceptional abilities (particularly her writing skills) to the heavens; I’d meant every word I’d written. Claire said, “I wish I could believe that all of this was true.”
“Of course it’s true!” I exclaimed.
“Is it? Don’t you feel as if you have to say these things after everything that’s happened? How can I know that you mean this?”
I was horrified, and, I confess, indignant. “Christ, Claire, you earned your A in the classroom. I can’t believe you’d doubt that. I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t true.”
Claire remarked, calmly but with an edge in her voice, something to the effect that a professor who was so cavalier about sleeping with his students could hardly be self-righteous when his integrity was questioned. I could tell she wanted to believe that the words I’d written about her intellectual promise were true. I knew damn well that they were true. If I’d never come within 10 feet of her, her dazzling, witty prose, her work ethic, and her insights would have earned her the highest grade in the course. In my mind, our sexual relationship had nothing to do with her academic ability, save that her unusual ability was one of many things that had made her exceptionally attractive to me.
Claire transferred, graduated, remarried, and moved away. She ended up in law school and is now an attorney. I made amends to her in 2001. Our conversation was civil but brisk. She told me that while she had enjoyed my classes, and not been unhappy with our relationship outside of class, she was angry that our affair had made it impossible for her to turn to me as a mentor. Claire hadn’t seen me as a “younger man” (we were less than three years apart, after all), but as her professor. I had something she wanted, and what she had wanted most was intellectual validation. I gave her that, but it came wrapped up in a sexual relationship. As a result, she had had a very difficult and painful time trying to decide whether her A’s were earned, and whether my consistently laudatory feedback was truly deserved.
♦◊♦
A woman who had grown up being told she was “pretty” but “not very bright”, Claire was a late bloomer as a scholar. And by having a sexual relationship with her, I robbed her of the chance to bask in the uncompromised praise she had so indisputably earned. At her four-year school, Claire had found other mentors with whom she didn’t have affairs; she had come to trust that her talents were genuine. She hadn’t been able to get that from me. Whatever fleeting pleasure she had derived from our affair had left a lingering hurt in the form of self-doubt. And the fact that she was three years my senior in no way mitigated my responsibility for causing her that hurt.
It’s been more than 13 years since I slept with a student who was in my classes. And of all the people I hurt with my selfish, narcissistic behavior during my acting-out years, Claire was one of those the memory of whom has haunted me the longest. The amends I made to her may have been sufficient; it was the best I could offer. But she is one of those who has spurred me not only to change my life, and change it radically, but to be such a public advocate for banning “consensual” sexual relationships between profs and students. And she is one of those of whom I first thought when I read about Catherine Hakim’s thesis.
When the person with whom you are getting naked is also the person evaluating your work and your intellectual ability, the potential for crippling self-doubt will always be there. There is no capital in that.
—Photo americanistadechiapas/Flickr
One more thing…(Ah jus’ can’t “hep” it….)
Was it jus’ me, or did anyone else notice that in the TWO sites Mr. Schwyzer’s Naughty-Professor-Nookie essay has shown up, these two site have chosen “young co-ed lying on the grass” pictures to run with it despite the fact that the “co-ed” in question here is three YEARS his SENIOR..?!?!?!?!?
Okay, so Mr. Schwyzer’s article isn’t quite as much about “erotic capital” as advertised, “E.C.” simply has a very small supporting role in this story. If Erotic Capital were an actor in a movie based on this story, the best the actor in question could hope for is a bit part. However, let’s work with the story we have here. Afterwards, I’ll conclude with just a couple of thoughts on erotic capital and what this concept leads me to think, separate from the story presented here. First off, “Claire” was not a naïve 20-year old free-spirited nymphet who had yet… Read more »
Hahahahaha! The first part of this is the single funniest thing I’ve read here. But I do disagree with the second. Before businesses are “productive” as businesses, they are first, cultures, and second, bureaucracies. This means that they are far from being optimally efficient. So (and I was in healthcare management for about ten years,) I’ve seen many women rewarded for personal attributes as opposed to ability. Some, like my last hospital administrator, seemed to have zero management ability, but did have an ability to seem personally pleasing to higher ups. Not all of this is erotic capital per se.… Read more »
Thank you Mr. Vandenburgh…!!! You recognized something about the Good Men Project that I feel is tragically missing; namely, humor at any level, cerebral or slapstick. (Good men LAUGH, dammit…!!!! haHaHaHa…!!!!) My second comment is also couched in a thank-you that should be from us all. As we all skip through this site and leave our sometimes dry & pithy comments & philosophies, they can easily be mistaken for some form of stone-chiseled absolute. One of the prime directives of living should be something that used to be standard parlance at the end of every new car commercial: “….your mileage… Read more »
P.S. My responsibility to my gender and its favorite discretely pursued pastime of enjoying ladies displaying their “erotic capital” at swanky parties & night clubs as well other appropriate venues, behooves me to state the following:
In no way am I discouraging pencil skirts, stilettos, or tight blouses aided & abetted by cutting edge bra technology.
Your mileage may again vary.
SEE? The last line of your comment PROVES she slammed into the “incompetence” wall SO HARD that she took EVERYBODY’S job with her…!!!!!
(Disclaimer: Amused commentary not to be taken as contradictory against my first followup post on Mr. Vandenburgh’s comments)
I think the most pertinent sentence in this essay is the one recounting Claire’s characterization as “pretty but not that bright” by presumably influential figures in her development (peers, parents, and most assuredly teachers). The young author fucked things up when he seemingly disregarded the possibility of a problematic self-concept his student might have developed regarding that weirdly dualistic formulation and its potential implications. I find the concept of erotic capital uninteresting but the troublesome binary opposition it (physical beauty in women vs athletic achievement in men) has with intellectual ability to be worthy of dissection from an antisexist and… Read more »
Dang! I need to go back to school. I have no idea what your last paragraph means. Care to dumb that down a bit for me?
I think he’s upset by the implication that intelligence is the opposite of beauty or male hunkiness. He is suggesting that it is sexist and that it is wrong because it is cartesian. I think he may also be suggesting that it splits mind and body and we shouldn’t.
Hugo, it sounds like you abused your position plain and simple. Your experience with Claire is not an argument for or against the use of erotic capital. You said: “When the person with whom you are getting naked is also the person evaluating your work and your intellectual ability, the potential for crippling self-doubt will always be there. There is no capital in that.” I have to correct you here. First, Claire was not “crippled” by self-doubt. She may have doubted the authenticity of your praise, but she didn’t sound crippled by the situation & I am comfortable guessing that… Read more »
I have to agree with you on thus, sadly. Did Hugh try so hard to be a mentor to students who weren’t attractive, who he didn’t want to sleep with? Did he shower extra attention on brilliant students who were fat or plain? I doubt it. Every class I’ve been in, every job I’ve had, I’ve seen men falling all over themselves to “help” the attractive young women. The women may be too naive to see what’s happening, or they may use it to their advantage by being flirty. Usually no sex is involved. Just flirting in return for extra… Read more »
Flirting and the use of sexual tension works because men can’t seem to resist it. We’ve been taught to believe we can’t resist it and to value sexual attention from women to the point of risking nearly anything and everything for it. Saying erotic capital has no value is absurd. I agree. It certainly has value. I also agree that it should not have that value but devaluing it is going to take a hell of a lot more than just saying it really isn’t worth that much. Second, you don’t have to actually sleep with a man to get… Read more »
Sometimes it is a no win situation because friendliness and being warm and interested in someone, and seeking positive attention from them, is also flirtatious even if it’s not intended to be overtly sexual. Some women act flirtatiously (or in a way that comes across as flirtatious) somewhat unconsciously. I know women who are very “flirty” with everyone — men, other women, customers, coworkers, even strangers. Generally these are women with a social, outgoing personalities who want others to like them and they’ve learned that flirty behavior works, They tend to be very likable so their behavior is reinforced. Others… Read more »
May I first respond to this statement by Miss Ultra (now there’s ya some literary erotic capital right THERE) “Flirting and the use of sexual tension works because men can’t seem to resist it.” This makes me speculate that you missed your calling as either a successful dominatrix or next in line when Selina Kyle retires from being Catwoman. (Said In Jest…The eyes of the thought police are upon us….all-l-l-l the live-long d-a-a-a-a-ay) First, there are quite a few men that do their damnedest NOT to be SO entranced by mere T & A that vital decision making processes are… Read more »
1. There is female sex tourism. Greece, the Carribean, Africa.
2. Every situation is unique. But, if she couldn’t accept Hugo’s letter, there was something nutty going on with her. Maybe Hugo too.
3. As usual, the commenters are reifying the idea of power. Maybe this’ll blow over someday.
1. There is a lot less female sex tourism than male sex tourism. However, any sex tourism is bad and it’s a shame that women are going down this road now. That’s not liberation, just rich women joining in oppressing people. 2. I think it makes a lot of sense that she couldn’t believe his letter of praise once he’d slept with her. Human beings are influenced by their feelings. Sometimes people do things as a quid pro quo. The woman involved may have believed that if she didn’t have sex with him, he would have graded her badly. That’s… Read more »
I am an older male professor who doesn’t have relationships with students. I don’t have much power in my estimation. I do think current efforts to control the micro-cluture of human interaction are a bad idea. If you want to do something about exploitation, look at Wall Street or the Republicans.
Along with the issue of trusting one’s teacher, there is the question of power and consent. There is an inherent power dynamic in the relationship between a teacher and a student. That means there will always be some question whether or not the student could fully consent to a romantic relationship. Was she fully free to say no or to end the relationship without negative academic consequences? I don’t think Hugo set out to exploit his position. In fact, I’m guessing he tried very hard to minimize this power difference. I also get the sense that the student was a… Read more »
I think this gets at the heart of why professors shouldn’t sleep with their students. It’s hard not to be mad at you for what you did, but at least you had the strength to change.
I would add that you can’t really ever be sure that your opinion of her was not influenced by your attraction to her and the sex.
The other damage is to the woman in your class who was just as smart and creative, but less attractive.
Hugo, I have to call you out here. This young woman did not trade her sexual capital for anything. You abused your position and essentially victimized her. Her sexual capital has nothing to do with it. Your unethical an immoral behavior hurt her. Period. You didn’t rob “Claire” of her of “the chance to bask in the uncompromised praise she had so indisputably earned.” You simply robbed her of the belief that what came out of your mouth could be the unadulterated truth. I’m absolutely sure there were other professors who wrote recommendations (or maybe she was sleeping with ALL… Read more »
Hugo. What on earth are you talking about? This isn’t the erotic capital that the original author was talking about. From the article here: http://www.prospectmagazine.co.uk/2010/03/have-you-got-erotic-capital/ I quote the following: “World Health Organisation research shows that humans see sexual activity as essential to quality of life—but men still rank sex as more important than women. Indeed, rocketing global demand for sexual activity of all kinds (including commercial sex, autoeroticism and erotic entertainments) has been far more pronounced among men than women. Sex tourism is essentially a male hobby, while erotic magazines for women often fail.” And “Men are two to ten… Read more »
All profits in the sex trade go to women? Hello? Pimps don’t make money? Strip club owners? Porn companies? Organized crime? Human traffickers?
Yes there are some women who make a ton of money but I don’t think that the sex trade is, overall, run by women for the financial benefit of women.
Undoubtedly. Just like any other industry.
No, I think the sex trade is something where young women and young men are exploited more than in other businesses. There’s a lot of slavery involved around the world. The job hazards are huge – STDs, torture, and death.
In light of Hugo’s past acceptance of the theory of privilege, this argument seems highly dubious. On the one hand, it’s argued that erotic capital is not actually a form of capital because spending it will create self-doubt: Was my work worth an A, or is this just a result of sleeping with him? Yet, on the other hand, the very idea of privilege suggests that people with traditionally defined capital (better known as money), must constantly question whether or not their privileges are earned: Would I have gotten into Harvard if I was born poor? So which is it?… Read more »