When is the best time to tell guys I’m dating I want to save sex for marriage? Is there a good time at all?
Dear Sexes: I grew up in a pretty religious household. I consider myself pretty devout, and while I don’t necessarily feel like I need to marry someone from my church, I have made the commitment to save sex for marriage. My question is: when dating, how soon should I let a guy know about this? Too soon, and it comes off as arrogant. Too late, and I feel like I’ve been dishonest about my own intentions.
♦◊♦
She Said: First, congratulations on doing something that way too many people are incapable of doing—defining your sexuality and communicating your needs without trying to put others down. Nice work!
First, I’d say you need to suss out a guy’s moral or religious/spiritual stance early on. You don’t need to say it flat-out to get a sense of how he’ll respond, just ask him about his own upbringing, ask him about his religion, or what virtues he holds most dear. These are excellent first date questions for everyone, and you’ll get a sense from his answers whether he’ll be receptive to your virginity outlook.
I would say, however, that if you can find a way to naturally fit your commitment to save it for marriage into a first or second-date conversation, you should. Not just because you don’t want to “trick” a guy, but because you’re obviously looking for someone like-minded. Otherwise, it’s probably a deal-breaker! Why waste time with someone you know you won’t have a future with? You don’t have to agree with his sexuality or sexual choices to be his friend!
♦◊♦
He Said: Maybe you don’t have to say anything. You can just make sure to wear a chastity belt on your first dates! Seriously though, there’s nothing arrogant about being honest. Your choice to save sex for marriage is exactly that: your choice. And in that case, why wait to be honest about such an important and integral choice? If you’re afraid that you won’t get a fair shake in the dating scene by divulging this information on the first date, then I suppose you can wait until the second date (or third date at the very latest) to bring up the subject. But the sooner you talk about “it,” the sooner you’ll know if the person you’re on a date with is really a possible match (or not).
Personally, I wouldn’t be upset if I was on a date with someone who was saving themselves for marriage. I would just be pissed if I they didn’t tell me until the fourth date (or so) and four dinner bills into the game—I’m just not that rich. Though you’re saving yourself for marriage, does that mean you’re abstaining from all physical activity? Or are certain activities like kissing, touching, heavy petting, etc. allowed? If some of those things are still in bounds, then maybe you can wait an extra date before telling the person across the table from you. Regardless, the sooner you have the talk, the better—for everyone.
If you have a question for Josie and Eli, ask it here.
Originally appeared at SheSaidHeSaid.
—Photo epSos.de/Flickr
Hi there, I’m a producer for the TLC channel, and we’re currently casting for a show that deals with this very topic! People who have decided to save themselves for marriage, with an emphasis on engaged couples waiting to share their first kiss at the altar. If anyone sees this and knows someone who’d like to be involved or participate, I’d love to have a chance to talk with them! Participants will be reimbursed for their time with us, and you’ll get to share your unique story with the world! Email me personally if you have any questions or concerns!… Read more »
Why is everybody assuming she’s a virgin. There are plenty of people who have had sex who decide to save themselves for marriage.
@Sina: Saving… what?!? If someone already have had sex, then what are they “saving”? And for what reason? Regarding the original question, I agree with “the sooner, the better” stance. And the “ice cream talking” is a very good suggestion. 🙂 Since I’d never be in a relationship without sex (even if I’m a believer), such dating would be just a waste of time for both. Lastly, thinking about people abstaining from sex before marriage, I always wondered what would they do if the sexual compatibility wouldn’t work (or would be awful) once married. I mean, IMHO people should never… Read more »
Speaking as a MAN who never went all the way til the wedding night — My advice is, you should find out, if at all possible, BEFORE dating someone, if they agree with you on this. In a religious community where this standard is preached and, to a large extent, still upheld, you may be able to coast a few dates before mentioning it… BUT…. I faced seduction attempts from “Christian” women that I met in church, who by all rights “should have” believed as I did. So even with fellow churchies, it’s best to have the discussion and get… Read more »
I agree with Daddy and Aya, the sooner the better. I had a conversation about this with a friend of a friend just a few months back: You have the right to be as picky about how you decide you will be with for the rest of your life. At the same time, recognize that the pickier you are the smaller your dating pool will be and you may have to go through even more incompatible apples before you find the right one. There is nothing wrong with that, you’re better with weeding out the situations that would just be… Read more »
I have to admit, I’m having a hard time taking the diplomatic road on this one. Most ‘faiths’ are about maintaining a patriarchy. Period. Are you worried about ‘seeming’ too pious or are you convinced you can make a man work to prove himself worthy of your hand if you just don’t c**k block him too early? I’m being vulgar and unkind here because religious institutions have the exact opposite of a good track record encouraging healthy gender identities and relationships and so they raise my hackles. The ‘sex only within the bonds of marriage’ rule isn’t just a way… Read more »
I know people who aren’t religious who are saving themselves for marriage. Religion has less to do with it than with a person’s life choice. That’s what makes freedom ring! The freedom to choose what we will and will not do with our bodies.
“Speaking solely as a guy who used to date, I’d like to know that information up front. Right at the beginning.” I feel somewhat bad about it, but I agree. I guess it sounds a little selfish, but I would also like to get the information as soon as possible even though I understand that it’s a very uncomfortable and difficult topic for a person to bring up. I would feel cheated if I found that out after a month of dating and anticipating to get physical. It’s really a no win situation for the non virgin. I wouldn’t want… Read more »
Speaking solely as a guy who used to date, I’d like to know that information up front. Right at the beginning. Mainly because if your religious beliefs are that strong we wouldn’t be a good match. Especially since there’s no way I would leave something as important as sexual compatibility out of the equation prior to uttering a vow that entails all of eternity.
And if we’re talking online dating here, I’d say make that known before the first date. It may result in fewer dates but the dates you do have will probably have a higher likelihood of success.
I would have to agree with DorkDad’s comments. Being a fellow virgin-because-of-religion myself, I can identify with the person asking the question (although my own personal journey with this topic has taken me in a slightly different direction). Anyone in this position will feel a great deal of anxiety bringing up this subject with a non-religious type (or, at least a person who does not feel the same way about per-marital sex), especially if you feel a strong connection with the person you’re about to break the news to. Truth is, it’s a tricky situation. To echo DorkDad, you may… Read more »
I don’t see any reason to save that information to play at a strategic point in the game like a trump-card. Let the relationship take its course. Some relationships won’t evolve into the “physical” until weeks into it. Some won’t get there ever. Some are lucky to make it through dinner. The point being, get to know the person you’re with on an intellectual/personality level FIRST. You may find that you can’t stand sitting across from the table from your date. If that’s the case, no need to bring the subject up at all. You may find that the person… Read more »
“My former roommate said she couldn’t date an atheist because she couldn’t stand the thought of being with someone who doesn’t believe that there’s the possibility of an afterlife”
You should have told her that atheism concerns gods not about afterlife. Buddhism is a religion with afterlife while you can remain an atheist. Though I will say Buddhism has a lot of sects and is not a unified religion.
As ‘she’ said, props to the asker for making it clear it was her choice, being mindful of potential partners’ sexual desires, and not shaming people who do not agree. Eric and Marcus–great points! Not having those discussions can be detrimental, and a huge waste of time. It would be best to find someone within your church or another church with similar values. Apart from the Seinfeld episode where Elaine gets pissed off that her religious boyfriend thinks she’s going to hell, I know a lot of people who cannot date someone who isn’t of a similar faith as theirs.… Read more »
The issue you must deal with is a microcosm of the many issues you should consider. These issues go beyond whether you have sex prior ot marriage or not. IMO, people save themselves a lot of grief and significantly decrease their odds of getting divorced if they seek out someone who shares their moral values, which in this case would make your abstinence a non-issue. But, what happens if you do get married? How will your different views affect your marriage? For instance, will he feel pornography is okay as long as it doesn’t interfere (in his opinion) with your… Read more »
Great points, Eric. It’s too bad how often people don’t have these talks.
Eric M., I think someone has hacked your password and written a comment I agree with! (J/k. I’ve agreed with you before on occasion.) It seems to me that the real question isn’t when to divulge a commitment to remain a virgin until marriage, but when to divulge that your faith is that strong and important, because as Eric M. points out, that will affect many other important judgments as well. If that faith is evident up front, I would expect that you’d attract guys who share it and support your pledge to save yourself, or at least guys who… Read more »
Right. Many marriages fail because of conversations that didn’t take place until after the wedding, which is too late.
I agree with Marcus. I’d also add that this choice is not something which is likely to find many men willing to put up with it if they don’t already have a religious commitment to do so. The only virgins I know who are virgins by choice are religious; all non-religious virgins I’ve met over the age of 21-22 were not virgins by choice. I would personally suggest that maybe you would have more luck finding someone who shares your religious beliefs first — not necessarily from your church, but someone within the same ballpark.
Rick: While I don’t necessarily disagree with your point, I think it’s awfully harsh of you to say “put up with” when really what you mean is “be supportive of or ok with.”
The line that jumped out at me was this: I consider myself pretty devout, and while I don’t necessarily feel like I need to marry someone from my church, I have made the commitment to save sex for marriage. When and why to have sex the first time is up to you, and I respect seeking out someone who shares your values and reasons, but assuming some of those reasons are religious and you consider yourself “pretty devout”, I’m shocked that you don’t feel the need to marry someone from your church. (I’m assuming you mean “church” as a synonym… Read more »