Julia Newman wants men to fight for body diversity, because it will enrich their sex lives too.
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I miss Marilyn Monroe even though not only did I never meet her, but I was born almost half a century after her, and also was not alive during her career. But I miss her, her body, her grief, and her perseverance. I miss the way she tangoed with the press, ever-performing, ever-manipulating. All of her neuroses, well I have them too. I see strength where some chauvinists saw helpless daft.
In front of the camera, she was a master of disguise. She enchanted and seduced and collectively we have come to see this seduction as calculated—every sway of her hips, every bat of her eyelashes carefully crafted. My question is: why don’t we seem to accept that this legacy of performance continues?
Miley Cyrus may have received flack for her shock-and-awe performance at the VMAs, but I think the backlash missed the point. We laugh at how obvious her gyrations and nude leotard declared, “I am not a little kid. I own my sexuality.” But what kind of sexuality is that? There was nothing artistic or original. If she had any guts, she’d own her body by exposing her vulnerability. And she’d do it sparingly
Sex is messy and it usually doesn’t involve a foam finger. For most women, owning our sexuality means giving voice to our needs and a yearning to accept our bodies and allow for pleasure even if we don’t have the taut skin and tone of a 19-year-old.
What I love about Marilyn is that her relationships with the men in her life—Arthur Miller and Joe DiMaggio—were cloaked in mystery but also privacy. We can imagine they cherished the kind of intimacy we all have with our own partners. Marilyn was constantly exposed, but she actually did own her sexuality. She chose what we saw and kept hidden what was to her too intimate for the undiscerning eye of the media.
I wish Miley could own her sexuality, cherish it, protect it. I wish women could own their bodies by choosing when to expose and not stripping down in order to sell more product. And I wish I wasn’t so afraid—even as a real and true feminist grown-up—that men expect me to be a VMA Miley Cyrus in the bedroom.
Even as a real and true feminist grown-up, it is easy for me to disregard reality and experience by falling for the media messages about who I should be and what I should look like. There are times when I think I’m being ridiculous, when I find men who easily laugh off the body stereotypes as “not what I want.” And those of course are the relationships that count.
But I also meet real and true progressive-thinking (dare I say feminist) grown-up men who actually admit that, yes, they have come to expect models in the bedroom. They are actually frustrated and ashamed by how they have become duped too.
I want men to rally—the men who love women. I want men to react against the photo-shopped, incomprehensible images in the media. Because those images are having an effect on them too. They’re warping the otherwise free-thinking men just like they’re warping me. I want men to fight for body diversity, because it will enrich their sex lives too.
I miss Marilyn not just because of her body but because of her complexity. Sexuality is complex, and anything that claims otherwise—whether in performance or word or image—is simply destructive. To raise healthy women with healthy ownership of their bodies, we need to raise men who are just as invested in letting them.
I’m very confused by the premise of this post I have to admit. M.M was TINY. http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-06-24/hollywood-auction-ends-myth-of-zaftig-marilyn-virginia-postrel.html She wasn’t plump or zaftig and in fact had an incredibly tiny waist- it was her waist/hip ratio and bust that gave her that hourglass figure. I’m 5′ 8″ and at 130 lbs I have a 25 inch waist- which makes me look tiny to the majority of people. She had a 22 inch waist. I do think in fact interest in body diversity exists more than we realize and men do treasure more than just a stick gaunt figure model type of… Read more »
A different time , a different world the one Marilyn lived in and even with those repressed morals Marilyn pushed what was acceptable to the limit. Marilyn was a rag doll to all those powerful men that used her beauty to their benefit. She was their victim and she owned nothing especially her sexuality and to prove my point her end was the final straw in her turmoil of a life. Women today are repressed are free to act as fools or conduct themselves with self worth, we have a choice. In todays world we have both the in your… Read more »
Julia, I appreciate your points about Marilyn (and as a guy who graduated high school in ’84, I wholeheartedly agree about Madonna!) However, I believe our society hasa tendency to place too much significance on sexuality. Women should not be ashamed of their bodies and should be encouraged to be the best they can be (i.e., healthy and vibrant). And if a man chooses not to engage a women due to his own unrealistic expectations: his loss! But the notion that we act as “victims” of some corporate media conspiracy is unwise. We have to own our preferences, sometimes questioning… Read more »
Lisa, that’s a great anecdote! what strikes me is how Marilyn absolutely knew the ‘persona’ and was even willing to admit to a journalist of all people that her fame and attraction was simply a combination of behavior and intention. It wasn’t her natural state, and on that walk, she admitted it. What Miley has done – and many many more before her – has put on an act, claiming it to be hers when 1) it is unoriginal and 2) it is a reductive and even masochistic portrayal of sexuality. Yes, Marilyn used her body to attract her fans,… Read more »
One of the old tropes that I’ve heard about Marilyn Monroe was about how she agreed to do an interview with a rather green journalist. And they walked around the streets of NYC. And she was perfectly put together, of course, and answering the questions politely if not animatedly. And at one part the journalist turned to her and said in exasperation: “Here I am walking the streets of NY with the most beautiful woman in the world, and not a single person notices?” And she said to him, “Oh, you want them to notice me.” And she whipped out… Read more »
Actually Lisa, I think you hit upon the true genius of M.M.!
Julia Newman: I want men to rally—the men who love women. I want men to react against the photo-shopped, incomprehensible images in the media. Because those images are having an effect on them too. They’re warping the otherwise free-thinking men just like they’re warping me. I want men to fight for body diversity, because it will enrich their sex lives too. — I’m sure that will happen as soon as there is a huge push from the feminist women of the world to drive themselves and others to date men shorter than them. Regarding your sorrow (and the apparent sorrow… Read more »
Thank you Roxy for your rich comments. What I am trying to suggest is that Miley really isn’t showing her sexuality. I think the overt sexual dances and clothing and raunch are actually a performance, a kind of female chauvinism where women – like the Girls Gone Bad craze – reveal their bodies, objectify their bodies, and claim to owning their sexuality. They are trying to shock. But they’re doing it in the same way as the pop star before them. It’s a one-note sexual revolution that isn’t real: “I’m dancing like this because this is what the media has… Read more »
Okay. I can get on board that alot of the overt sexuality that we see among a lot of young women of this generation is very flat and one note. I agree that it can be a kind of female chauvinism about how objectfying their bodies is a claim to their own sexuality. I totally dig those comments. And I can totally be on board that Miley is not really owning her sexuality. I acutally remember a time when the press was on Miley because of her supposed “weight gain”. Although she still looked beautiful. Then right after that, she… Read more »
“The overt sexuality we see among a lot of young women of this generation is very flat and one note.”
That is simply a brilliant line. Well said.
Hi Julia, while I agree with the basis of your principals, wanting to encourage more body diversity and acknowledging vulnerability through sexuality, I don’t like the way you pitted Marilyn Monroe against Miley in comparison. I find Marilyn a very interesting woman and I agree that she had a lot more strength then she was given credit for. But Marilyn largely played the role society wanted her to play. Miley didn’t. That makes Marilyn the “good girl” and Miley the “bad girl”. These roles I believe are very unhealthy to pigeon hole either woman into. Miley obviously displayed her sexuality… Read more »
I don’t get the Miley business. Why is she any different from Marilyn? Serious question.
I am being nostalgic. And I absolutely agree that by promoting ‘thinner is better’ is a capitalist push to make us by things we don’t need to attain impossible results. If women keep feeling shamed by iconography, they are more vulnerable to buy things to help ‘fix’ what they perceive as wrong with them. I want women to not feel like they are ‘wrong.’ I want them not to feel shamed by businesses, media, and model-worshiping. If women feel ashamed, men’s sex lives will suffer. That’s what I”m saying: more confident women create more meaningful and pleasurable sexual experiences. I’m… Read more »
I feel you’re being nostalgic Julia
Marilyn was not a large woman at about five foot five and hovering between 130 and 140 pounds. She was also considerably older than Miley during her heyday – by a good ten year plus. Most of her performances, viewed through the lens of modern day – are sexually very campy. Miley was not trying to be campy – nor was she trying to seduce Mr. President.
I have to ask what I believe is the most obvious question, perhaps even the elephant in the room, Aren’t there millions and millions of women who aren’t thin and yet have a mate? If so then aren’t we laying this problem on men when in reality it should be on women, after all every man is different , we love different things. Men aren’t a monolith, we don’t all have group think. What you see on TV, in fashion mags , in vogue aren’t written for men and more importantly it is written to sell you SHIT. You know,… Read more »
It’s a woman’s and men’s issue John. It’s caused by women and it’s caused by men. Both men and women support and promote ideals about how women should look. I can acknowledge my side. I also try not to support it. I don’t buy fashion magazines anymore and the likes of that. I ask men to meet me half way. To look at the ways men support unhealthy ideals about women too and to support us real ladies along the journey. How about it? Partners? Or is it all up to us women alone?
Nope. Caused by men. Gay men. Gay men depict women as stick figures to (a) drive straight men away from women to – they unconsciously hope – gay men, (b) hide the fact they cannot cut on the bias when designing clothing with curves that fit a woman’s curved body and do not want to learn how to either. The above is causing teenage girls to vomit, starve, cut and die, and mature women to get cosmetic surgery and loathe their bodies, and think they are obese when what is really going on is they are female and female bodies… Read more »
I’d be interested to know how many drag shows you’ve been to lately, because the girls in my neck of the woods seem to LOVE pretending to have huge breasts. And as for the rest of it… I thought I was going to be angry, but I’m actually just entertained by the craziness of your argument. I actually do understand the idea of fashion being easier to present on a stick-thin girl (it’s easier to create shapes where there were none than to try to incorporate/hide shapes that are already there) but to call it a ‘gay male war against… Read more »
I don’t even know where to start with the amount of ignorance in your statement, It’s the gay, Kids.
I am not entirely sure this is totally mad. There is something weird going on in the fashion – and don’t forget ballet – industries that involves a very specific aesthetic, gay men and straight women with body issues. And cameras, of course. I have to say that what initially comes across as seemingly bonkers in this comment could be an interesting vantage point to explore. And no, I am not the slightest bit homophobic, nor are all gay men body obsessed, or involved with the fashion industry. But the aesthetic history of The Glamorous Woman (on the 20th-21stC stage,… Read more »
I do not think gay men have a war against straight women, as It’s the Gay, Kids, suggested. I also don’t think that gay men have such huge amounts of power in society that they “taught the media to call fat: any part of a woman’s body a drag queen cannot imitate.” I have no clue what that even means or why It’s the Gay, Kids, believe that anyone who is gay, dresses up in dra. If the gay population held that much power, they wouldn’t have had to meet up against so much prejudice themselves. It’s the Gay, Kids… Read more »
One can only wonder what Marilyn would need to do in today’s age to be competitive for headlines — her sly sexual stylings would be hopelessly tame. The culture would likely force her to go the full Miley in response. Good points about Cyrus’ behavior. It wasn’t sexual. It was what she thought we wanted to see, not what she felt inside.
Assam,
I guess I’m pretty disheartened by your comment – and not just because you pointed out the typo. But I understand the “I want what I want” sentiment. The only thing is that early you said you were attracted to “thicker women.” It is only in the long term that you seem not to budge on what you want in a partner, as if the idea of a woman/wife/future has to live up to an expectation that, perhaps, is influenced by our media culture. I totally get the voice thing.
~ Julia, the sometimes psychoanalyst
“It is only in the long term that you seem not to budge on what you want in a partner, as if the idea of a woman/wife/future has to live up to an expectation that, perhaps, is influenced by our media culture.” I don’t think its a media culture thing. I like non-assertive women. These women are NOT promoted in media culture but my preference is extremely strong in this area. Once again i can find an assertive woman attractive and I even fantasize about have an assertive woman as a partner. But when the rubber meets the road I… Read more »
Actually Assman, there are very real reasons for women (OR men) to feel “disheartened” by the way society permeates our roles and worth in our culture. Your comment about there being no point in being disheartened by this seems rather dismissive. Also, no one is saying that women with a certain body type, such as being thin, don’t need love too. I think most women would just like to experience more acceptance and attraction for many different body types instead of the ones deemed socially acceptable. While there are many men that are attracted to different things, our culture heavily… Read more »
@Erin….
Question(s): When a guy sees a woman, what is suppose to draw his attention? Is it not going to be something physical?
I am attracted to a woman by her smile, personality, intelligence, hair, etc. But, her dress and other physical characteristic a minor role. Even if she does not have a nice rear, I will still talk/approach her.
I don’t know that most men want models but a lot of us want relatively thin women. I do. Which is weird because I find thicker women attractive. Sometimes more sexually attractive than thinner women. But there is a strong impulse within me that wants a thin women to have as a long term mate. And since I don’t like casual sex I basically won’t date thicker women. On occasion I have casually hooked up with them but that is as far as it will go. Of course I am relatively thin so maybe i am just looking for someone… Read more »
I agree that more should be done to combat unrealistic expectations. More women should be seeking out middle-aged, fat, short, and/or balding men to hook up with. Once we see that, we’ll be glad to join up as equal partners in the women’s Fat Acceptance campaign.
I hear your frustration and I agree that universal body diverse acceptance would be great. I don’t think there’s any argument, though, that the media is more critical of womens’ bodies and offers a much more pigeon-holed ideal for women to look up to. This is what I want to change. And why does it have to be that men won’t advocate for women until they ‘hook up’ with them? I’m talking about self-acceptance and vulnerability, not just getting laid.
Ah, the old ‘Women have it worse’ argument rears its head.
Hi Julia
It is great to hear you love Marilyn. I love her to.
Just never forget that she is a beautiful example of a woman diagnosed with borderline personally disorder . The most stigmatized diagnose you can have among all disorders.
If we love Marilyn, then we also have to see women with BPD with new eyes.
Absolutely! One of the reasons I admire her is because of her struggles with mental illness. Despite being deemed less-than, dimwitted, and flaky, she was ultimately the most powerful female public figure of her time. I wish she could have been better understood during those times. I wish she’d been able to get the care she needed, for sure.
I’ve tried for 25 years to love a woman with BPD. Going from one therapist to another, tolerating endless rages, blaming, financial and emotional abuse. I always tried to look at her good side, but she eventually destroyed the fabric of my soul, so I had to get out. It’s much easier said than done.