I’m In Love With A Married Woman

A guy finally meets his dream girl, only to discover that someone else is her soul mate.

Dear Sexes: There is a woman in one of our offices in another city who is everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman. She’s amazing. Whenever she comes to my town to work, she asks me to get together, breakfasts and dinners and drinks almost every day. When she’s got a drink in her she seems to be in love with me, holding my hand in taxis and hugging me randomly. She’s my dream girl. Except she just got married and refers to her husband as her “soul mate.” It’s torture. I haven’t touched her but I’m dying to. What do I do?

She Said: This breaks my heart. What a horrible position this girl has put you in! She obviously has feelings for you too, and you can console yourself with that. Being as I don’t believe in the idea that there’s only one “One” in the world for each person, it could be that the two of you would be really happy together, too.

However, you have to ask yourself if even the best case scenario is what you want. Would you want to be the one who broke up her marriage? Would you want to be the one she cheated with, and then beat herself up over, for a lifetime of marriage to him? You have to shut this down, tell her the truth if you can. Tell her a lie if you must. But end all non-work meetings with her.

My heart, however, leads me to say this: Sometimes people just fall in love, against all reason and planning. They do. Love is a force, almost its own being. I don’t think you should pursue her, but if you do, plan on being crushed, smashed, obliterated. If somehow you escape that fate, consider yourself the luckiest man alive.

Last, I have to quote a friend of mine who was in a similar situation: “Great love stories don’t begin with a marriage ending.”

He Said: It all sounds very romantic. No seriously, it really does. And I believe the two of you have a special bond/connection that is hard to find, and impossible to create. So… if you don’t have an issue with breaking up SOUL-MATES (and married soul-mates at that), then go right ahead with your not-so-innocent adventures together! Otherwise (and if you have a conscience) steer clear. You’ll thank me later.

P.S. People do a lot more hugging, hand-holding, and professing of feelings (and touching) when alcohol is involved. For a change of pace, try to enjoy a nice, platonic, straight-edge evening together sometime.

If you have a question for Josie and Eli, ask it here.

Originally published at SheSaidHeSaid.



About She Said He Said

Eli and Josie, friends since college, realized how lucky they were to have one another—an honest friend of the opposite sex who tells it like it is. They wanted to share that with the world and so www.shesaidhesaid.me was born.


  1. SadButTrue says:

    Hate to say it, man, but women marry the wrong guy ALL the time. My guess is you actually ARE a much better fit for this girl. And deep down, she knows it too. But will she actually be able to admit it? Hell no. That would require destroying her life. Admitting her marriage is a fraud. That she’s betrayed her own inner instincts and made a completely horrible choice in the matter of the one thing that matters most to her: romantic completion. Sure, she’ll “say” this other guy is her “soul mate.” After all, he was the right age, had the right resume, and mommy and daddy probably approved. And she could find nothing really wrong with him. So she signed on the dotted line, figuring nothing better would come along. But then it did, in the form of you. And she knows it, with all of her emotionally-blocked heart. I’ve been here countless times myself. (And five of them have called me years later when they’ve divorced the guy.) But she’s got a long road ahead of her before she can actually free herself to be with you. Not likely it’s worth waiting around for.

  2. Derek, that sucks. Putting effort into your marriage is hard, but worth the try.

    Based on what I’m reading about the writer and the Married Woman, in a scenario where the writer made a grand, romantic effort to win her and succeeded, it’s entirely possible that the blissful new life together would be marred by a new Other Man. That’s just kind of how cheaters roll.

  3. Romantic love can be involuntary as well as highly impractical. You can have the strongest draw toward someone who would make a terrible long term partner, but the pull exists nonetheless. This seems to be a hopeless case as long as she’s married, and she’s especially wrong for how she is handling matters.

    Or, it could just be the booze. In the immoral words of Jamie Foxx: “Blame It On the Alcohol.”

  4. Move on, Letter Writer. There’s over 7 billion of us on Earth now.. the odds that your One True Love just happens to live and work within driving distance of you are ridiculously low. You’ll find someone else–and in all probability, someone better.

  5. My wife and I are trying to repair our relationship after an affair like this. I have loved my wife deeply for 16 years and three kids. I thought I was giving her what she needed, but realize I was giving her what I needed to be happy. She unsuccessfully tried to communicate her needs to me, and eventually became disconnected over the last few years–but I thought everything was great. In steps another man. He was able to give her the emotional connection she wanted. He was everything to her I was not, and she idealized him. They fell in love after about five months. I discovered the affair six months ago and every day has been hell since.

    He is out of the picture now, moved to the opposite coast. We are trying to reconcile our marriage. She is still in love with him and not in love with me but we are both trying to change that and see if it will work between us. I have to say this is the darkest time of my life, I have never experienced pain life this. My advice to this guy is to imagine if he was the husband, but I know there is no way anyone can imagine the hurt this causes unless they go through it. There is obviously a problem in this marriage that is leading the woman to stray. She should discuss these feelings with her soul mate and work to repair her marriage before it is too late. It just may be too late for me.

  6. The betrayal has already occurred and both parties are guilty. Neither individual is trustworthy.

  7. Dorine Moore says:

    You say she is everything you would want in a woman. Imagine she decided YOU were her soul-mate and became YOUR new bride. Would you want her carrying on roamtically with another man while out of town on business? I think she may be almost everything you would want. But there may be a couple of important missing pieces.

  8. not enough information– and by the way, it doesn’t sound romantic at all. Who is paying for the dinner and drinks? The answer to this questions will give him greater insight into her intentions than any feminist advice column. She found a beta male to take her out when she is in town. That is all. He places more importance on this than there actual is. Love? Romance? Give me a break.

  9. Julie Gillis says:

    For his own mental health he needs to break it off. She’s using him in some way, perhaps unconsciously, but he’s developing a really co-dependent bond with someone who isn’t going to leave her husband, speak to him honestly and soberly about her situation, and she’s playing him.
    That’s my opinion and even if there is a bond of some kind, it’s not helping him in any way. He needs to break it off so he can be open to finding love from an equal partner.

  10. The lady concerned seems to have no morals. She is married and still flirting with another man. She deserves respect of neither the questioner nor her husband.

  11. As MRA I feel sorry for her husband. He married this woman and thinks she will be faithful to him. He will be deeply disappointed if this relationship continues. Who considers him?

    However so far, this girl did not cheat him, it seems she likes a funny life, talking a lot, holding hands, kissing, going out for dinner… but so far, that’s all? Not more than that? Well, if this is true, than it’s not cheating.

    I can only advice you, not to break up this marriage. It seems, she is not complaining about her husband. There is no sign that she is willing to leave him because of you.

    And what do you really know about this girl? She is living in another city, and you see her only irregularly during business related trips.

    Do yourself a favor, please. Forget her. Look for another girl.
    This world is wide.

    • I respect your right to your own opinion, but I don’t know how holding hands, kissing, and being in what amounts to an emotional affair is anything BUT cheating. Just because they’re not having sex doesn’t mean it’s not cheating.

      • I think, you are from USA, but many people like me regardless the gender, who are from Central Europe, South Europe and East Europe or elsewhere worldwide are thinking quite differently about such little affairs.

        And I am living now in Asia, and I can tell you nowhere else in this world people find themselves sexually so restricted than in USA. Especially men and boys.

        We can only laugh when we read in the news, that in USA boys as young as 6, 5 and even 4 y/o are accused of sexual harassment.

        We do not take some visits for paid sex, porno movies so seriously. We do not care much about a wife who likes a bit of freedom so seriously.

        MRAs from Europe do not care much about abortion either, how can we know, who is the woman who is pregnant or not, if it’s done early. I never have seen so many religious bigots than in USA, who even wants to force a woman to carry out a child from a rapist… just to give you a few examples.

        So as long as this woman and her ‘lover’ do not really have a regular sexual relationship and as long as she comes back regularly to her husband, what is the problem… and tell me, in USA, what can the husband really do anyway against it?

        In case of divorce in USA, he has to pay her alimony, as there is a no fault divorce and she takes at least half of all property, and if she is pregnant he might be even subject to pay child-support, even if he is not the biological father but her boyfriend. So what?

        However my advice to this man, who ‘loves’ this married woman so much is to look for another girl, who is either legally divorced or still single – to break into a marriage does not make much sense to me.

  12. I have a question – why did neither of you consider the possibility that she’s in a non-monogamous situation? I think the subject should be broached, if nothing else. There’s a middle road here that, if this man doesn’t want to be crushed by either extreme, he can explore.

    • “…why did neither of you consider the possibility that she’s in a non-monogamous situation?”

      Probably because the letter writer made no mention of the woman claiming to be in a non-monogamous relationship, not even when she’s got a drink in her. And the most likely reason she’s not claimed to be in a non-monogamous relationship is because she ISN’T in a non-monogamous relationship.

      • Joanna Schroeder says:

        So true, Jim.

        Must say, we’re big fans of open relationships if both (or all) partners are equally consenting on all fronts. We don’t think these relationships are easy, and certainly not for everyone, but love is diverse.

        I just don’t think this girl is in one of those relationships.

    • GirlGlad4TheGMP says:

      Fair, but if he is as taken with her as he seems to be, even if he can have her sexually, that might not be enough and he will be emotionally obliterated anyways.

      If she’s so awesome, then:
      1. Why is she leading him on? I doubt he would consider this ‘awesome; behaviour if she was HIS wife.
      2. Then there surely are more (single) people in this world with the same apparently “awesome” personality traits


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