Is Her Vibrator Sending You Bad Vibes?

Nine inches of ribbed neon pink silicone. You stare at it in utter disdain. The smiling rabbit tip mockingly stares back at you. It’s man versus dildo. Maybe you should replace the batteries with dead ones. Maybe you should stuff the inside with doggie treats. Sparkie would be sure to find it and rip it to pieces. Or maybe you should face your fears altogether.

A vibrator can send a man a million bad vibes. Will I be replaced? Am I not good or big enough for her? Does she find sex boring with me? How can I compete with a triple speed setting? Will she need more stimulation now? Will she become overly sexual? Jealousy seeps in too. You don’t want a dildo occupying the same sweet and sacred space as you.

Don’t be embarrassed about your insecurities. If men brought blow up dolls into the bedroom, I am sure women would have similar insecurities. Your fears are highly understandable but there is truly nothing to fear. Let’s turn these bad vibes into good ones.

First of all, a vibrator won’t replace a man. Ever. Women are just as sexual or even more sexual than men. We want those needs to be met too, which is where the vibrator comes in handy. But we also desire a deep connection and intimacy in bed. What turns on most women isn’t simply coitus but other components that make for great sex. Meaning being touched, kissed, squeezed, gripped, caressed, stroked, or held tight afterwards. A vibrator can’t do that.

Above all else the warmth of a man is irreplaceable. I don’t just mean the warmth of his member, but the warmth of his entire body pressed against mine, of his hands, of his mouth and of his breath as he heavily breathes in and out. Only a living man in flesh and blood can provide that kind of warmth.

Men love gadgets and machines, thus most assume a vibrator is capable of producing the ultimate orgasm. Wrong! The cons of a vibrator outweigh the pros. My girlfriends and I often have a love-hate relationship with our sex toys. They are loud, cumbersome and sometimes the battery wanes down right when we’re about to orgasm. They don’t come close to feeling like a real penis, even the life like ones. We have perfectly healthy sexual desires and vibrators are a quick but not necessarily better way of fulfilling them.

When we vibe, we think of you anyways. I have to overcome my angry thoughts during the first five minutes of vibrating. I get mad about having to masturbate in the first place. Why must I do it when a man could be doing a much better job? Plus I am just lazy. Can you blame me? You already know how long it takes a woman to orgasm.

Although sex is exploited in the media, we are still excepted to live up to conservative sexual standards. This means many men and women are uncomfortable with their sexuality. Both sexes engage in intercourse but never truly accept their own sexuality much less that of their partners.

Your acceptance of her sexual desires will make her feel more comfortable with her sexuality and create a deeper connection. I’ve even known some men who feel the same acceptance when allowed to masturbate in front of their partner. So you might want to join in on the self-satisfaction fun too.

Her good vibes could be good for you too. Instead of seeing her vibrator as the villain, make it your sidekick. You can even make a replica of your own Johnson or whatever you name yours! You can use it on her or each other. Many women need clitoral stimulation during penetration to reach orgasm. In some positions it isn’t always possible to stimulate her clitoris. This is where your sidekick comes in. You can create a win-win situation with your new gadget.

If you are still getting bad vibes, then speak up. Be honest about how you feel. Let her know you respect her sexual desires and that you want to help fulfill them. Ask if there is anything you can start or stop doing to increase sexual pleasure and to create an intimate connection. If you can dive nose deep into her vagina, then you should be able to talk openly about sex.

—Photo Flickr/Bp6316

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About Jeanette Ruiz

I am polished, raw, edited, uncut, tactful, tactless, funny, serious, caring, tough, happy, angry, politically correct, politically incorrect but I'll always be me without any apologizes so that you can be you without any apologizes. I don’t pretend to have any expertise; in the words of Socrates “I know that I don’t know”. To read more articles please dwell with me at Cyber Mancave (cybermancave.com).

Comments

  1. Chris H. says:

    My wife and I went shopping for one together. Good fun. Got us pretty hot. By the time we got home, we could barely get through the door before we were ripping our clothes off ready to go put it to use.

  2. What constitutes being overly sexual?

    • I have been wondering the same thing. For some men I am overly sexual and for others I am not sexual enough. I had a guy say that vibrators make girls super freaks and too sexual. That is why I included that in there. Good question Grey.

  3. Until someone makes a vibrator that will get up and cook her breakfast the next morning I think we’re good.

  4. I would love to include a vibrator in my sex life. I think it would make things interesting. It might help for when my boyfriend is away too.

    • It will help for when he is away. I love telling my man that I am going to masturbate and think of him when he is gone. It turns him on and makes him aroused knowing that he is the center of my attention. Plus it makes him more eager to get back home if you get what I mean. = )

  5. Yeah, it must be wonderful for a guy to be able to work that fine piece of technology in and out and use it to bring you somewhere he can’t. If he does a really good job who knows, maybe he gets to have “sloppy seconds”.

    • I hate the way they feel inside just like the vibrating on the surface. I wouldn’t call it sloppy seconds but more like slippery seconds. I don’t see why any man would complain about that. It has little to do about his ability to bring me to an orgasm or somewhere he can’t as you mentioned. If he couldn’t do that then he wouldn’t be in my bed. Like Chris mentioned its more about enhancement and the experience together. If I knew there was something (not someone) that would get my man going, I would be more than glad to increase his pleasure. Because its about pleasing him not really about whether I am the direct stimulus or not.

      • You have this scientific piece of technology manufactured to specifications designed to bring you to orgasm. So after that happens, why would you “trade down? After all ,I doubt he’s 9″, constantly hard with 3 vibrating speeds and an appendage growing off to stimulate your clitiorus. As fordoing something to “get him going”, most women don’t take the time or effort today for that. It’s our Duty to provide her satisfaction. We’re just supposed to be thrilled to be included. In the short term, that’s probably true. In the long term however, we start to wonder, when we see you head back, eyes closed and moaning,in your mind, are we even there? Or is it the pool boy or some other guy?

        • Bobbt,

          “As fordoing something to “get him going”, most women don’t take the time or effort today for that.”
          That’s no fun. You need to find another woman. Or speak up about your sexual needs too.

          “It’s our Duty to provide her satisfaction.”

          This is 100% true but it is also my duty to help you with it and to make sure you are satisfied as well. You can’t just expect a guy to already know how to please you. If you are just having sex for your own pleasure than that is flat out selfish. Why even bother with sex at all? Just stick to the vibrator or if a man stick to five finger Sally.

          “we start to wonder, when we see you head back, eyes closed and moaning,in your mind, are we even there? Or is it the pool boy or some other guy?”

          This is very funny. Sex toys or not, no one will ever know what the other person is thinking. I think both sexes often times worry about this. I had a guy who told me about the awesome BJs that an ex would give him. He said actual sex with me was the best he ever had but her BJs were mind blowing. He was trying to make a point that although she gave good BJ’s her sex sucked. After that, ever time I gave him a BJ I would wonder if he was thinking of her. I think many people have sexual insecurities and sex toys may bring out insecurities that are already there. The worries I mentioned in the article are worries many men have irregardless of sex toys. I think both partners have to work on reassuring each other that they are wanted and desired and making sure that they are pleased.

          • If I ‘hook op’ with a woman and have casual sex and she wants to bring toys, sure it’s cool. I mean, there is no emotional attachment and I want her to enjoy herself and both of us to “get off”. Bring Vibrators, Cucumbers, whatever “floats your boat”. However, if it’s a long term thing(and I mean long term as in probably longer than you’ve been alive) and I’m the one who brought her to her first orgasm (Greatest sexual memory of my life) and continued to bring her 2 or 3 orgasams everytime (Repeat after me boys, First with the Kisser than with the Pisser) and one day, she pulls out 9″ of vibrating Silicone, I’m going to think one of two possibilities , 1) she’s been faking the “O’s” or 2) My body’s gotten to old to please her( it is pretty beat up and while I still ‘Rise to the Ocassion” , I don’t quite “Snap to Attention ” as I use to). Either way, it’s not ME getting her off, it’s the TOY. Sure, I’m the one ‘working it’, but it might as well be her or it could be anyone, IT DOESN”T MATTER IF IT’S ME!

  6. Eric M. says:

    Vibes/dildos are to women what porn is to men. If men shouldn’t be bothered or intimidated by vibes/dildos, then women shouldn’t be bothered by porn.

    • Kind of a good analogy….except that there are women who watch porn and men who use dildos.

      • I am pro-porn, have been on sets, and even occasionally watch it myself, but keep in mind: In porn there are REAL people. Vibrators in inanimate objects.

        • Yes, but there is a very fine line here. When using a vibrator or dildo to masturbate, are you always thinking about your partner(s)? I bet not 100% of the time. And the division between watching porn and fantasising about some hot celebrity is very small. (I’m not talking about like excessive porn watching or something. And I’m not talking about it from like a psychological standpoint or anything). I just mean…when it comes to the level of jealousy or insecurity about sexual performance…..then porn can be seen more as an object in that you aren’t actually having sex with the porn actors. It’s a mental fantasy put onto video…or dvd…or online.

      • Heather,

        Very true about men who use dildos. That’s why I said it could be used on eachother.

  7. Love this piece. I’ve never personally been put off by my partner’s having sex toys. In fact, I’ve had partners that I wished were more into sex toys, because it would have reduced a lot of the pressure I felt to please them (sometimes your hand/dick/tongue/whatever just can’t take any more).

    I really love this line:

    “Don’t be embarrassed about your insecurities. If men brought blow up dolls into the bedroom, I am sure women would have similar insecurities. Your fears are highly understandable but there is truly nothing to fear.”

    Yes, exactly. There is so much belittling language used to describe men with this insecurity, but it’s really quite understandable. We wouldn’t even have to go as far as blowup dolls to make some women insecure. What about a fleshlight? Or a Venus? Hell, I’ve heard of women who get jealous simply over the fact that their boyfriend still masturbates. Or what about men watching porn?

    The fact of the matter is, a lot of us are insecure. Both men and women. And, within reason, we should try to be understanding and reassuring to our partners and try to find ways to help work through those insecurities.

  8. I’ve always saluted a woman’s right to bear toys. In fact, it kinda turns me on to know how seriously she takes her own sexual needs, and her willingness to do whatever it takes to get the job done. The best sexual relationships are when both partners have a full understanding of what they need to get off (and a willingness to communicate it), as well as a willingness to hear (and service) what their partners needs are too. And if she’s got something that’s delivering her a whole lotta love, I look at it as a learning opportunity. I always look to her toys and think, “Alright Mr. 8 Ounces of Sculpted Plastic: what can I learn from you?”

  9. Are there many men who are uncomfortable with a vibrator? I had the impression that among younger men at least (like college age or now, or younger than 30) viewed vibrators as pretty normal. My boyfriend helped me pick one out and went 50/50 in on it with me.

    As for the whole, “Can his penis vibrate like that? Won’t he feel inadequate?” It’s absurd. I have never orgasmed from a penis alone. Ever. But a man has hands, and that’s what makes me orgasm. Should that make him feel as inadequate because I am not orgasming from his penis? It’s basic physiology.

    Overall, this is a good article, but are there really many men who feel this way?

    • It’s basic physiology.

      Not sure if you mean your physiology specifically, or women’s physiology in general. If you mean the latter, be careful there. There are women than orgasm from intercourse. I have a close female friend who pretty much only reaches orgasm via penetration. She can reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation, but it’s a lot more difficult for her. And I have a female relative who gets off primarily through vaginal penetration as well. These women do exist. And we’re at risk of erasing their sexual experience with purely clitoral-centric discourse as we were of erasing more clitoris-oriented women with vagina-centric discourse.

      Different people are different, and we can’t expect everyone to get off from the same things. What’s important is that we find people that enjoy pleasing us, and whom we enjoy pleasing. And then we can get together and have a grand ol’ time. :-)

      • Xakudo,

        No I mean my own physiology. I primarily orgasm with clitoral stimulation during penetration and many of my girlfriends do too. Statistically many women have a hard time without clitoral stimulation. I have had purely vaginal orgasms without any clitoral stimulation but very they are very rare. This is only possible with men who have shorter penises because they hit my G-spot directly rather than going past it. When it comes to penetration, I have a preference for smaller men. You are right! We can’t ever generalize sex. Some women don’t even like clitoral stimulation at all. I say whatever floats your boat.

      • Yep, my physiology. I know some women can orgasm from penetration alone, but I am not one of them. It’s obviously awesome, but just penetration will never satisfy me on its own.

        And yes, I agree, there is a very wide range of sexual preference and behavior among women, and I wouldn’t want to ignore women who have different experiences than I.

    • Yes there are men who feel inadepuate when they can’t please a woman the way her toy can, no matter how they go about trying.
      At the end of the day your telling him that he doesn’t measure up.

      If you can’t fulfill your partner’s sexual needs in every way then why be with them ?

      • William,

        I can understand feeling like you’re not measuring up and this has a lot more to do than just sex. I think you brought up a great point that goes way beyond sex : “If you can’t fulfill your partner’s sexual needs in every way then why be with them?’. Society puts pressure on men to fulfill a woman’s every single need in every way not just inside the bedroom but outside the bedroom too. I find this problematic in many ways. A man will never be able to fulfill all of my needs nor should he have to. He should focus more on the needs he can fulfill and be okay with the ones he cannot. I know I will never be able to meet a man’s every single need in every way and I wouldn’t want to be pressured to do so. Thus I don’t put that kind of pressure on men. Many men and women go into relationships expecting the other partner to meet every single need and this is selfish. This type of relationship is not about love and giving but about your own needs and priority. When they realize their partner can’t meet their unrealistic needs, this is when they become unhappy, rather than trying to fulfill their own needs. Why burden your partner with all of your needs? He has needs too and I wouldn’t want him to lay them all on me. I wouldn’t want to worry that if I didn’t meet his needs he would ditch me. We really need to reevaluate a lot of our relationship dynamics that we were taught.

        • William says:

          I think it’s crazy to think of a person wanting all their needs met as unrealistic, but be ok with them getting their needs met by something other than their partner.
          One of your biggest needs sexual isn’t being met by your partner, so you go about getting something that can ?

      • Just because my boyfriend can’t make me orgasm with his penis (which as I pointed out, no penis is ever going to make me orgasm as I do not orgasm from penetration) doesn’t mean he is not fulfilling me sexually. That is placing way too much emphasis on PIV sex, which is great, but not the end-all-be-all of sex. Also, not all women think that orgasms are that big of a sexual need, at least during sex. I like to have regular orgasms, but sometimes I would rather handle it on my own (masturbate) than be too worried about it during sex and then not enjoy myself.

        Things vibrators don’t bring to sexual fulfillment: 1) Making out, 2) cuddling, 3) dirty talk, 4) sexiness, 5) two extra hands, 6) a tongue.

        The only reason a man could feel inadequate would be if he thinks all he brings to the bedroom is a penis. Which is obviously not true.

        • Oh, I also forgot 7) creativity and imagination (like doing things you wouldn’t think of doing that turn out to be awesome)

  10. wet_suit_one says:

    Are men really that put off / frightened / intimidated by vibrators? Really? You’re afraid of losing out to some plastic, gizmos and electricity?

    Holy crap guys. Use your imagination for god’s sake.

    No wonder men seem like mewling pathetic idiots sometimes. If you feel insignificant next to a bit of technology, you really are a sad sack.

    Seriously. Just freaking pathetic! Grow a spine and use your advantages over the vibrator. Especially since every advantage is yours.

    • William says:

      If your “advantages” still don’t met the needs your woman’s getting from a piece of technology, then you’ve already lost out.

      • William, as I said above, it is silly to think the only thing a woman wants from a sexual relationship is an orgasm. If that were the case, she would just masturbate and never have sex. And I would be frankly insulted if my boyfriend just wanted to have an orgasm when he wanted to have sex with me. That just reduces men and women to dildos and fleshlights. People bring more to a sexual relationship than just orgasms.

        Plus, I would think vibrators would be seen as a great benefit in the bedroom. Like if you had sex and you finished before her, but she wanted to keep going and you’re tired, you just whip out the vibrator, lay down next to her, and use it on her until she’s satisfied. It’s a win-win situation.

        • William says:

          It may not be the only things but it is one of the things a woman wants in a sexual relationship.

          The example you used is the only benefit i can see in owning a vibrator but then a man would have to be careful not to make that a continuing thing.

          • I would love a vibrator if only for a solo orgasm. But an orgasm isn’t always why I have sex. I enjoy the closeness and the warmth of a man and all the wonderful sounds he makes. A vibrator can’t give me that. Vibrators merely itch a scratch. Sex is a whole body experience. Also, you can’t cuddle with a vibrator. A vibrator can’t kiss you deeply. If all sex is to you is a means to get a orgasm, then you’re missing out on what sex can be sometimes.

          • I pointed this out above and it’s concise, so I’ll repost here:

            Things vibrators don’t bring to sexual fulfillment: 1) Making out, 2) cuddling, 3) dirty talk, 4) sexiness, 5) two extra hands, 6) a tongue and 7) creativity and imagination.

            Sexual fulfillment is A LOT more than orgasm. I like to orgasm with my boyfriend, but the important thing is that he is there, with me, doing things with me, not so much what he is doing.

            If we are going with a porn analogy, why do men have sex when they can just watch porn and get off?

            • Eric M. says:

              For many of the same reasons. Nothing replaces a human.

            • Yes, that was my point to William. I know you get it, Eric, I did co-opt your analogy after all.

            • William says:

              @ Artemis

              Like i said before…

              Orgasm is just ONE OF the sexual fulfillments that woman want, that doesn’t change the fact that a woman is using a vibrator to meet that ONE NEED.

              That ONE NEED she knows her men CAN NOT fulfill and HE KNOWS he can not fulfill.
              It doesn’t matter what he does, you are not getting rid of that vibrator anytime soon.

            • wet_suit_one says:

              Will, you have some weird hangups. Get a pill.

              You’ve never made love to a woman before have you? It’s different that just wam bam thank you ma’am. Your dick isn’t that important.

            • Artemis says:

              Just because he is not fulfilling her with his penis does not mean he is not fulfilling her sexually.

              It is HER sexuality, she gets to decide how fulfilled she is, not you. If she is happy and she considers herself fulfilled sexually and views her partner as meeting all of her needs, what is the problem?

              It is extremely uncomfortable to be in a situation where your partner takes your orgasm personally, like if he can’t get you off, he feels like less of a man. It makes a woman’s orgasm and sexual pleasure all about him and his insecurity, and that is what it sounds like you are doing now. Why can’t you just be happy that the woman is happy, she is sexually fulfilled, she has all of her needs met, and she is having an orgasm, regardless of how?

    • Eric M. says:

      Some women feel the same or an even greater level of intimidation if their man views porn. If that helps you understand the perspective better.

      • I’m kind of guessing the women who are arguing that men shouldn’t be intimidated by vibrators probably don’t mind their men watching porn. I’m in the camp that says couples should regularly have their own “alone” times, so if porn and/or a vibrator are necessary, then that’s fine.

        • That is entirely logical but is definitely not always the case.  There are those who would be loathe to give up their toys but insist that their partner refrain from viewing of porn, some even considering it cheating. I can respect a person having a problem with both but not okaying one while outlawing the other.

          • Way too common if you ask me. And most pro vibe/ antiporn women know better than to put their hypocrisy front and center so you are more like to hear “degrading” or some other nebulous form of offense being thrown around than a direct attack. It’s still the same though.

  11. If men shouldn’t be bothered or intimidated by the use of toys, then women shouldn’t be bothered or intimidated by the viewing or erotic pictures and/or movies. If one is okay so is the other.

    • If I use porn AND a vibrator, should men be SUPER intimidated? (just kidding)

      I don’t know if porn is an appropriate analogy. I would think that a fleshlight would be the male equivalent to a vibrator. Porn doesn’t have much to do with actual physical needs. It is possible to masturbate w/o porn, yes? I know it goes faster for me with porn, but I don’t actually need it. That is my own experience though, and other experiences would be welcome to counter my point.

      • That might be the case if men have nearly the interest in fleshlights as they do porn. Statistically few men have interest in the use of fleshlights. And, of those that use them, if you ask them which they would choose, the fleshlight goes in the trash about 100% of the time.

        Porn is to men what sex toys are to women.

        • Artemis says:

          Right, I understand the interest aspect, but I’m not sure if the two are really comparable. If a woman cannot physically orgasm without a vibrator, but a man can orgasm without porn, are they really comparable? Plus, on the one hand you have an object and on the other, you have pictures/images of other women. It’s hard to emotionally cheat on a partner with an object.

          I’m not saying boo porn or yay vibrators because, well, if I had to choose I would take porn over vibrators, because I’m a strange woman I guess. I’m just saying that I think there too many aspects that are different between porn and vibrators to be used as analogous to each other. The only thing they have in common is their ubiquity as masturbation aids, but they are very different things.

          • Just as a man who cannot orgasm without porn is very likely addicted to the artificial stimulation of porn, a woman who cannot orgasm without a vibrator is very likely addicted to the artificial stimulation of a vibrator.

            “Plus, on the one hand you have an object and on the other, you have pictures/images of other women.  It’s hard to emotionally cheat on a partner with an object.”

            Porn doesn’t touch you in intimate places, sex toys do. Unless there is another human involved that is personally known, there can’t be any “emotional cheating” in either case.

            “The only thing they have in common is their ubiquity as masturbation aids, but they are very different things.”

            That is the common denominator, one is the main one for women and the other is the main one for men.

        • Artemis says:

          Also, I’m pretty sure that porn is to men as porn is to women. We women do watch porn, even if the entire porn industry ignores that fact.

          • Well…the budding real lesbian porn industry doesn’t ignore women porn watchers….they’re just only focusing on a small group of women as potential audiences. lol.

            But hey, the same could be said about men and the dildo industry. Outside of a gay neighbourhood, how much advertising do you see of men to purchase dildos? Not much.

          • I wish men looked better in porn. Maybe my standards are high, but half the time the men seem so-so in the looks department.

            • That’s because they’re not hiring a “pretty face”. They ‘re looking for other ” phyisical attributes”.

            • James Deen!

              haha, I’m a James Deen fangirl. His videos actually, you know, show his face. Which is kind of important to me as a heterosexual woman.

            • So you enjoy watching his “co stars” degraded and tortured? Sorry, after hearing Women complain about how ‘Vanilla’ porn degrades women all these years, I can’t figure out there love of this BDSM stuff.

            • Yay, faces! That’s important to me too. I might have to check him out.

            • Artemis says:

              he does rough stuff which is sometimes good, sometimes rape-y. But I guess he started doing some of his own directing, and other sites have realized his popularity, so they let him have some input and/or direct so that the scenes he is in charge of tend to be good, obviously consensual rough sex.

              Just wanted to give you a warning that there are some disturbing ones out there with him in them, but I don’t think they’re the majority, so if you see one that is disturbing, turn it off and look for another.

            • “Well…the budding real lesbian porn industry doesn’t ignore women porn watchers….they’re just only focusing on a small group of women as potential audiences. lol.”

              I’ve noticed this!

            • I’ll try this again. First time got “moderated out” (Don’t really know why. No foul language or personal attacks). Just curious how after listening forever to women complain about straight porn degrading Women. How is it that so many women are ito BDSM porn now (Thats Deens’ speciality)?

            • Consensual BDSM porn (which… I don’t know, most of what I see James Deen do isn’t BDSM, just rough) is not the same as rape porn. Most women will take issue with the rape/punishment porn, which Deen has done but has been able to move away from because he said he was uncomfortable with it. The most disturbing/degrading porn I would say is the rape/punishment porn, at least for me. And that’s not the same as BDSM porn.

              (though some women are also into the rape/punishment porn also, as it is not actually a rape, it’s an acted out rape, but I don’t know how common that is among women)

              But different women have different ideas of degrading. There’s a lot of acts that can be construed as degrading to women that don’t show up in BDSM, but regular porn (facials, bukkake, anal with hardly any lube eek, ass-to-mouth, or even the casting couch stuff, not to mention the names of all the videos on porn sites which refer to women as sluts or whores or by their orifices).

              Personally, I’m in the camp that as long as the guy I am with watches that stuff and leaves it in the porn world and all the women seem to be happy and excited and consensual and he’s not getting off on seeing women cry/be hurt/be punished, I don’t mind. For myself, I just don’t watch those categories that make me uncomfortable, which also means I basically can’t watch the end of any porn video because they ALL end with facials, which I don’t like/turns me off/makes me uncomfortable, etc.

              It’s kind of complex and I don’t think you will get the same answer from any woman because there are different levels of comfort with porn and different levels of interest in rough sex porn or BDSM porn. But asking how are so many women into BDSM porn is sort of a silly question. Why is anyone into anything?

            • Funny, he’s not the one who looks “uncomfortable” in those videos. In fact, he looks quite “aroused” and enjoying himself ! How is it, you have these posts, mostly from females, stating that even if they “let their man ” view porn, they have a problem with “Rape ” porn (Which I also do, by the way) unless it’s James Deen, then it’s OK . I read that it’s estimated around 40% of the traffic to his site (Kink) is female.

            • “Funny, he’s not the one who looks “uncomfortable” in those videos. In fact, he looks quite “aroused” and enjoying himself !”

              Um, yeah, which is hot. I can only speak for my own preferences in porn, not all women, obviously, but I like watching James Deen because I actually get to see his face and get to see him enjoying himself and because he is good at sex. Seeing the guy enjoying himself is important to me as a heterosexual woman, that’s what turns me on. So when all I see in porn are decapitated men or disembodied penises, I’m not as interested. And the women he is having sex with don’t look uncomfortable, they look turned on and excited too, at least in the ones I watch.

              “How is it, you have these posts, mostly from females, stating that even if they “let their man ” view porn, they have a problem with “Rape ” porn (Which I also do, by the way) unless it’s James Deen, then it’s OK.”
              I don’t know where “letting their man view porn” comes in. I’m talking about my own personal preferences. I don’t watch the rape porn, regardless of whether James Deen is in them or not. And I wouldn’t really expect my boyfriend to be looking for James Deen videos, seeing as he would be more interested in the female porn stars, being a heterosexual man.

              However, even if my boyfriend were interested in rape porn and I was uncomfortable with him watching that, I would be uncomfortable with him watching it regardless of whether James Deen is in it or not. I am not comfortable with having sex with a person who routinely gets off on watching women (fake) cry during sex or being in pain during sex. That is my own personal preference, and I would imagine that if he was into that, we would probably not be together for long.

              Your use of the term “letting their man” implies that a relationship is about restrictions and permissions, which I would argue is not a healthy relationship. A couple should be able to discuss what makes them uncomfortable, what their needs and desires are, without resorting to permissions or restrictions, and this applies to all aspects of the relationship. A man is fully within his right to say that a very large dildo makes him feel uncomfortable, and his girlfriend is within her right to decide whether she can retire the dildo or if she needs it. Same goes for porn.

      • That Guy says:

        It’s possible to masturbate without porn, yes, but it’s also possible to masturbate without a vibrator. I think in those terms they are similar.

        • The best logical argument I heard about the similarities, That Guy.

        • That Guy,

          True but my hand gets a cramp. It takes us way longer to get there than it does men! lol. I have a girlfriend who rock climbs and she jokes about how her masturbating muscles are stronger now.

          • That Guy says:

            One reason why I’m very happy I’m male. I’d be willing to admit this difference counts as “male privilege”

            This brings up another selling point for men about using vibrators with women: less chance of the man cramping up in his fingers, jaw, or tongue. “The right tool for the right job.” What could be more manly than that?

        • I don’t really know, I I have definitely heard of women who were unable to orgasm on their own, bought a vibrator, and could immediately orgasm with it. So I think saying that women can masturbate without a vibrator is true for some, not all.

          Oddly, I can’t seem to orgasm with a vibrator, I feel like the one woman in the world, but it helps keep me excited when sex is going on for a while and my hand gets tired and/or falls asleep because I’m laying on it.

          “It takes us way longer to get there than it does men!”
          JR, I think that’s generally true, but don’t forget we’re not all the same. :) In our solo sessions, it takes me a fourth of the time it takes my boyfriend. He didn’t believe me when I told him that it took me like 5 minutes. Pretty convenient.

    • Eric,

      I actually included that point in my article but took it out to meet the word count requirement. I actually introduce men to the porn I like. I am not bothered by porn per se but the type of porn my man watches. If he watches barely legal porn or stepfather and stepdaugther porn or utlra violent porn borderlining on rape that is clearly not BDSM related or something just flat out distrubing then I find it problematic. I don’t even care if he watches homosexual porn. I just see porn as a visual stimulus for men. Lots of women may be intimadated by porn because they believe that is actually what their partner desires but this isn’t always true. One thing that is true is that we all have insecurities when it comes to sex.

      • I second that one so much. I’ve seen porn out there that is incredibly offensive (the stepdaughter stuff, the bad rape stuff, the obsession with coercion, girls who look 12, overly aggressive gang bangs), but there’s also a lot of stuff that’s simply stimulating and sexy. When I do watch porn, I really like solo masturbation, massage stuff, and lesbian porn, so I’d be a hypocrite if I denied my man homosexual porn.

        About the insecurities: To be honest, I’d rather have my man masturbate to a random vagina attached to a girl on the screen, than to masturbate to one of my friends, his friends, an ex, etc. As long as he doesn’t develop an unhealthy attachment to one girl in porn, or get bitter and passive aggressive when I’m not aware of or not capable of doing something they do (not ever doing bukkake, and if you want anal, you have to give me some prep time, a healthy amount of lube, and warn me beforehand). And it’s been said plenty of times but..please don’t use it as sex education.

        • Eric M. says:

          That’s all fine as long as the guys also get to veto something they disapprove of / are uncomfortable with.

          • And they should be able to, but do it within reasonable limits. I would never deny a guy porn or masturbation, but when it’s truly disturbing, or something that makes someone you love feel very uncomfortable, he/she should at least listen and compromise. If a man is uncomfortable with me masturbating to 12 year old students, beating the shit out of men, or fantasies of his best friend…that makes sense (on very different levels). I’ve even had a partner who was uncomfortable with me watching interracial porn and would go nuts if I had a black dildo. I have to respect that and compromise. If he told me to stop masturbating altogether or that I couldn’t use my vibrator while he was away, I’d have a much bigger issue. If I obsessively start sending my favorite porn star fan mail, he has every right to tell me to back off. There’s nothing wrong with some compromise and understanding.

            • As long as it’s not a situation where only one person gets to define what “reasonable limits” are.

            • Absolutely, hence the compromise. A man and a woman might never have the same idea of where to draw the lines, but you have to find some middle ground or try to understand each others’ desires and wants. And no, that doesn’t mean doing whatever your woman tells you to do and not do. Nor does it mean doing whatever you want whenever you want.

            • I think what you meant to say in your last two sentences was:

              “And no, that doesn’t mean doing whatever your (man or) woman tells you to do and not do. Nor does it mean doing whatever you want whenever you want.”

            • Aya, this is the exact way I feel about porn. I watch it and I don’t mind my boyfriend watching it, but I would like to know what he is watching, because some of it makes me more uncomfortable (pretty much all the ones you said above). And yes, as long as he doesn’t expect me to do everything he sees on screen, because some things I am uncomfortable doing.

              Honestly, I think most mature people (probably helps to be in a relationship) will understand this and understand reasonable compromises.

  12. That Guy says:

    Science fiction stories have been warning us about this for decades now. This is exactly how the robots take over! They replace humans with machines little by little until it’s the machines that control everything. It’s bad enough that robots are taking over our factory jobs. Now we’re actually having sex with machines! Meanwhile we gradually become cyborgs ourselves – artificial joints, hearing aids, phones lodged directly into the ear, pacemakers. The end times are upon us. The Terminator stories are prophecy.

    I’m 73.8% kidding.

    Seriously, though, a vibrator will “never” replace a man? It’s safe to say it can be a very nice stand-in for a lover who’s not very good, or for a man who’s unavailable. It will never really replace a good man, but it can replace a bad one.

    I also liked the point you made that it’s not an either/or. A toy can *supplement* a person and make the whole experience better all around.

  13. wellokaythen says:

    I hope you mean “silicone” and not “silicon.” Nine inches of silicon would be brittle and toxic. Quite shiny, of course, but otherwise a poor choice.

    I tried to find fault with the article, but that’s all I could come up with. Otherwise, thumbs up!

  14. “Are there many men who are uncomfortable with a vibrator? I had the impression that among younger men at least (like college age or now, or younger than 30) viewed vibrators as pretty normal. My boyfriend helped me pick one out and went 50/50 in on it with me.”

    Same here. A boyfriend helped me pick out my vibrator and was right there with me, even though I was shy about it. I’ve used a two-sided dildo in a threesome in the past and the guy loved it. I’ve been in long distance relationships, and it took me a while to feel comfortable using one, but the guy loved it and encouraged me to once I became more ok with it. A vibrator could never, ever replace a man, though. Whether it’s casual, a long term partner, a good lover, or a bad lover (that term is relative in itself, since what works well for some people doesn’t work for others).

  15. Modern tools (dildos & vibrators) are making manpower (penis) redundant.

    • only if you think manpower is solely located in the penis.

      Personally, I’m not dating a penis. I’m dating a man.

      • “Personally, I’m not dating a penis. I’m dating a man.”

        Yep. I’d write a longer comment but Artemis made a pretty good list of what a dildo can’t do in bed above.

      • Great point! I completely agree. Just as I want to be seen as more than my genitals, he is also more than just a penis.

        I am so happy that you can orgasm quickly. That’s amazing! It takes me forever no matter how I do it. Maybe that is why the battery wanes down. lol. The vibrator does help me orgasm faster but it still takes quite a while. It takes me even longer with a man. I always warn them in advance. For a while, I developed this paranoia because I was constantly worried he was going to give up before I came. Although, it takes a while once I do get there it is amazing. Usually it results in multiply orgasms and then all the other ones after that come fairly easy. It just takes eons to reach that initial orgasm. I don’t blame most men for giving up since I give up most of the time too. lol. Sex still feels great I just don’t orgasm frequently, which as you mentioned isn’t the ultimate goal in sex. Many men don’t believe me and say but you didn’t come. Sex has become so goal orientated rather than experience focused.

        The troopers who do wait it out are always absolutely amazed at how explosive my orgasms are. (They deserve a medal for patience alone. A neck brace would be good too). So I have few orgasms but the ones I do have are very powerful even resulting in ejaculation sometimes.

        • Artemis says:

          “The vibrator does help me orgasm faster but it still takes quite a while. It takes me even longer with a man.”
          Yes! It takes me like 15-20 with my boyfriend with constant stimulation (so with sex thrown in there, because sometimes he helps me finish afterwards, it’s even longer).

          And I don’t know why I’ve been able to orgasm really fast. I didn’t used to. But I think I figured out what worked for me. Oddly, I can’t seem to orgasm with a vibrator though, I think I’m the only woman in the world. But it’s great for during sex to keep me excited if it’s too awkward of a position for my hand to reach.

          “I don’t blame most men for giving up since I give up most of the time too. lol. Sex still feels great I just don’t orgasm frequently, which as you mentioned isn’t the ultimate goal in sex. Many men don’t believe me and say but you didn’t come. Sex has become so goal orientated rather than experience focused.”
          Another YES here. It’s really nice to not worry about orgasming (because it requires serious focus for me) and just enjoy the experience. I mean, every so often I make sure to spend enough time to orgasm with my boyfriend, but it’s not the point of sex for me.

          “So I have few orgasms but the ones I do have are very powerful even resulting in ejaculation sometimes.”
          That’s awesome. That seems like a pretty good trade-off to me, haha.

        • Try the Hitachi. It is the Cadillac of vibrators. My GF made noises I could only dream of giving her myself. (Though to be fair, as insecure as it made me, I can look back and see that the orgasm she had was no better than I could give to her, even if her build-up to it was something I couldn`t do myself).

          Apparently the vibration is so powerful it can quickly stimulate your G spot from outside just by placing it strategically below or above your clitoris and putting a little pressure on it.

    • After reading all these stuff, I can imagine the frustration of workers made redundant by automation. Now men and women even don’t need each other to satiate their carnal drive.

      • Every woman who’s had a vibrator and posted on here said that they still want, even need men (or women) in their beds. That an automated device could never replace the sensation and endorphin rushes that a warm male body gives you. Once again, look at Artemis’s list of 7 sensations that a vibe can’t provide.

        • He’s just being hyperbolic.

        • Perhaps you can explain to the very large contingent of anti-porn (but pro- or neutral sex toy) women this very same point about porn, that it’s the same issue with men, and that they shouldn’t feel intimidated or replaced.

          • They shouldn’t, but just like with many men, it’s natural to be somewhat intimidated. We should all be understanding and comforting. We all discussed this above in great detail, and some very good points were made by Artemis, Heather, JR, and That Guy. It’s all about nuance, on both ends. As long as the porn isn’t watched in replacement (and by that, I mean denying sex, not if your partner is unavailable), causes bitterness and passive aggressiveness, comparison, or obsession…it should be fine. Same thing goes with vibrators and fanfiction/graphic novels/etc. Let our partners know that they’re the sexiest pieces of ass in the world and keep up with your sex and seduction. Don’t expect a man to rip off a tight bodice in one go or a woman to be ok with you sticking it in her ass without lube or asking her.

            • Eric M. says:

              If you read the articles and comments on porn you will find that there’s an enormous double standard whereby they want to ban it altogether and condemn men who watch it (the most common scenario) or, at best, place themselves in the position to screen and approve what he can and cannot watch whereas they would never accept him having anywhere near that level of control over whether she can or cannot use toys, and if he decides that she can, he gets to dictate what size, type, function, etc.

            • How lovely it would be if couples could actually talk and mutually agree on sex toys, erotica, and types of play. I feel, still though, that a vibe (even a non phallic one) is a tool. Porn can be used as a tool, but I can’t help realizing that there were tens if not hundreds of actual people “used” in the making of the porn tool. Real women getting really sexed. Whereas a bullet vibe is made in a factory in a non sexual way. That’s still a sticking point for me Eric and I don’t mean to be a PITA (I figured that out!), but that’s still the difference I see. I’ve also heard that many men get a bit attached to certain stars, following their career and all. Maybe women get attached to erotic novel characters? Still those characters aren’t real. I guess the star “character” might not be real either.

              My main issue with sex work is that the workers need to be legalized and unionized for the most control and protection over their income and careers, and that with the film industry? It’s goal is money not pleasure. It’s consumptive not pleasure focused. Other than that I see nothing wrong in couples or singles availing themselves of resources that provide pleasure.

            • In other words, I’d prefer organic free range porn ;)

            • Julie,

              You don’t even know how hard I was laughing when reading this. I agree with you completely!

            • Thanks!

            • Hey, I just thought of a “Dream Job” for women. Test Piolot in the R&D lab at the Sex Toy Factory LOL

            • To some extent I get what you’re saying, but it misses the point. There were hundreds of people involved in making your vibrating dildo too, and some of them were sex workers. You don’t think that the design was tested by people before it went to market? They put their pussies into the game so you could have your toy.

              The ONLY real difference (ie, not a socialized difference) between that and making porn is that there are still questions about whether or not porn practitioners are happy with their choices and weren’t pressured into “doing it”. But that even melts away if you consider that your toy may have been made in Granada or Guam in a sweat shop where underprivileged workers, barely more than slaves, were oppressed in the factory where it was produced. Exactly the same thing, in my mind.

              At the end of the day, porn stars are there because they get paid to be there. They put on a performance and are proud of their work. As a result, there should be no shame in its production that should translate to shame in its use.

            • That’s true. I certainly don’t believe it should be banned or wrong, nor should men be shamed for doing it. I don’t know a single man who’s never watched porn. Some do it more than others, of course.

              I do think that it’s common courtesy to not watch porn that truly hurts someone you love in an excessive manner. If I were a mother of a girl, and was dating or married to a man–if all he watched was stepdaughter porn, I’d be seriously scared and livid. Is that not understandable? If I were the victim of a rape and still dealing with the aftermath, and if my partner watched really violent rape porn–I think I’d have a right to be scared and upset. On a much less serious level, if I’m a thin girl and if he has a collection of millions of videos with BBWs in gang bangs, it’s normal to be a bit insecure.

            • Y’all have just nicely illustrated my point about women wanting to dictate what he can and cannot watch, based on their comfort.

              Question for Aya: if you find a particular type of toy the most fulfilling and satisfying (gets the job done the best) but he objects based on its size and functionality, would you be willing to give it up, even thought it’s the most enjoyable?

              Question for Julie: Can he watch porn at all (if he chooses to)? If so, is it only the organic variety? If so, can he demand that you only use toys of the organice variety?

              It only seems fair and reasonable that he have the same amount of control over you as you have over him.

            • Eric-

              I think that a couple should be able to converse, communicate and negotiate about what works for them. If he likes porn and she likes toys, they should talk about it. If he hates that she uses the XYZ toy and she hates that he uses the XYZ video type maybe they compromise.

              I don’t know as I’ve ever argued otherwise.

              What I see here is that some people enjoy what they enjoy (porn) and don’t seem to give a damn how it’s made, who it effects (and there are real women and men on those sets who have real feelings and may be having a great time! And maybe they aren’t. Maybe they hate it and people are getting off to their bad experience but who cares right???

              At least with a toy, it’s this inanimate thing, unhuman, unfeeling. That being said? If I found out that a toy was made in a sweatshop? I’d throw it out. Cause that matters to me.

              I don’t support McDonald’s for example. I think it’s not really even food. I think most mass produced porn isn’t really sex/as “healthy” as it could be. I find it personally off-putting when men say, but I LIKE IT! even though it’s clear that there are some types of porn that clearly aren’t as connecting/etc for the men and women involved as other types. So, it’s not that I’d forbid anyone to use it, of course not. But it would probably lower my respect for that person.

              The free range organic part isn’t about content or story or fantasy, it’s about are the workers able to unionize, be paid well, treated well, compensated and respected.

            • I’m no expert but from what I have read and know, plenty of it has no paid actors, just regular people wanting the exposure, such as Kim K. Even if they are paid, they are consenting adults. Denying consenting adults their rights seems to be a contradiction here. Many people hate a particular job but still choose to do it for something they hate more, like hunger.

              People are uncomfortable or disapprove of toys for reasons she may not agree with at all, reasons she think are illogical and unreasonable. Shouldn’t she still be willing to compromise, just as he is expected to? Shouldn’t she be willing to get rid of this or that type of toy just as he should be willing to not watch this or that type of movie if she disagrees for reasons that make no sense to him?

              Heyyyy! McDonald’s does have some healthy choices!

              A man could just as easily be put off with the use of toys, and may lower his respect for her feeling that she needs to use them or prefers them in certain ways over an actual human. This all goes both ways, not just one.

            • Eric…..

              1) I am not prohibiting nor am I advocating the prohibition of such movies. Never have I said that. I said I’m in favor of more protection for artists. Like how unions make sure people get paid well and don’t have to work weird hours and are a place for work place complaints. I’d feel better about any object I utilize if I know it was made with the worker in mind, and not say, little kids in a sweatshop, why should this be different? Just because people want their goodies and they don’t care how it’s made? It’s a selfish attitude (I’m gettin’ off, and who cares if that chick didn’t want to be there etc etc). Eh.

              I’m not in a position for prohibiting anything anway.

              2) I just said that the couple should communicate and negotiate, compromise, understand each other. Not sure what you are disagreeing with.

              3) McDonalds? Yeah, ok. You go right ahead and eat their and support their corporate practices, I won’t.

              4) Right. Where did I say it didn’t? Oh! I didn’t say that it went one way. I was simply talking about myself.

            • Eric,

              I don’t think relationships are about controlling what a partner can or cannot do. Thus if I was uncomfortable with the porn he was watching. For example, rape porn or pedophilia or incestuous porn, then I would just leave him. Removing the porn would not necessarily remove the desire.

              If he were uncomfortable with my sex toys because someone raped him with a dildo for example or his mother forced him to use one on her, then I would understandably take them out of the picture. One of my partners was sexually abused in this way. So if a woman was raped by her stepfather or been molested, then it is understandable why she wouldn’t want her man watching those types of porn.

              Most women I know are okay with porn just not those types of porn.

              Actual BDSM is about play and everyone knows/respects boundaries and limitations. Furthermore, the topper wants more than anything to please the bottom. The bottom desires to be dominated, thus you are fulfilling his/her desire. No one is forcing anyone to do anything via domination. This is the difference between rape porn and BDSM porn.

            • JR, I definitely get what you’re saying about illegal porn, etc. I don’t think that’s where the problem comes in most cases. Usually, it’s run of the mill porn, even if just still pictures (please see the dozen or more articles here on the subject and the thousands of comments castigating men for the use of it).

              Some feel that any and all porn viewing is cheating, whereas others feel that it forces them to compete in a way they can’t possibly win. Some feel that he is getting something that he should only get from her. Others feel that it’s objectification and similar objections. These are extremely common viewpoints.

              However, what I’m hearing here is that most of those concerns are really not valid, that nothing replaces an actual person, that porn or a toy shouldn’t cause someone to feel threatened, replaced, or that they have to compete, even if those outlets result in a faster orgasm or if that’s the only way to effectively orgasm.

              I think the ones that need the most convincing are women not men. Perhaps you can write directed to women explaining that.

              If a man disapproved of his wife/girlfriend’s use of a particular type of toy, with that same level of disgust you feel for certain kinds of porn, is it reasonable that he leave her?

              “Most women I know are okay with porn just not those types of porn.”

              Not according to the articles and comments here. Feel free to look them up.

            • To answer your question, Eric M.: Yes. Absolutely, I would be willing to give it up. There are plenty of ways to get pleasure. When you really think about it, my man will more likely be a much better lover if he’s not insecure or bitter. Our sex life will be far more fulfilling and fun. That’s worth a million toys. And as I’ve said, it was usually the men in my life who chose or requested vibrators and/or toys for me. I’ve never even bought one by myself (which I guess says a lot about how sheltered I am about my sexuality).

            • To quote the question I just answered in case it got lost in the comments:
              “Question for Aya: if you find a particular type of toy the most fulfilling and satisfying (gets the job done the best) but he objects based on its size and functionality, would you be willing to give it up, even thought it’s the most enjoyable?”

            • Eric,

              Thanks for the insight. I knew that women were insecure about porn but I felt it was inregards to the types of porn men were watching. I didn’t realize some women opposed all porn and considered it cheating. I am 25 so men and porn come hand and hand in my generation. My girlfriends and I even email each other links to the porn we like. One of my girlfriends was upset when her laptop died because she couldn’t masturbate without porn. A lot of us actually wish they had porn that was more geared for women, other than lesbian porn or soft porn. I would say X-Art porn has done the best job with this but it still is geared a bit more towards men.

              I will look into these arguments and considering writing one for women. I bet the women who oppose all porn, are probably insecure about other things their husbands do too. I’d rather him jack off to a screen than to screw the neighbor just because I restricted his sexual desires.

              I do acknoweledge that men are not the only ones insecure about how their partners derive sexual pleasure. That is why I added this line: ” If men brought blow up dolls into the bedroom, I am sure women would have similar insecurities.”

              The only time I ever got insecure was when a partner compared me to an ex lover. Other than that I am okay with anything else that will give him pleasure unless it is another physical person or the weird porn I described. I get super aroused by seeing him pleased and it doesn’t matter if I am the direct stimilus or not. Not only that many men find it liberating that they don’t have to hide their sexual desires or be ashamed of their sexual urges with me. I try to create an environment where we both are comfortable, accepting and supportive of our sexuality. I don’t want him to shame me about my sexuality so I don’t do it to him.

            • I’m around your age, JR, so it’s always been a given that men watch porn. And they tend to love seeing their girls with toys and having fun with them, too. As I’ve said, every guy that I’ve been close to, either as a friend or lover, has used porn. It’s just a part of life. A few have even introduced me to toys. There’s still no reason to be disrespectful in terms of the use, though, as was outlined above in many, many comments.

              I also read the comment about the boyfriend comparing you to his ex. I don’t see how that can possible be a great strategy at all. Most of the men I’ve been with have responded best to positive reinforcement and guidance. So have I. Telling me how you love it when I fondle certain parts of you while giving a blow job would be much more effective than saying ‘my ex did it better.’ He might have meant well by putting forward ‘honesty,’ and then praise, so that it might seem more genuine, but wow–what terrible technique. I can’t even imagine talking to a current partner about something one of my exes might or might not have done better. I can lead him and tell him what I do or don’t like, sure. But why bring up exes? Having him feel confident in what he does and allowing him to enjoy himself just feels so much better.

              Just to note–if a couple does decide together that porn or vibrators are cheating, though, there’s no reason to shame them either, as long as it’s a consensual choice. The same way we shouldn’t shame people who chose to wait until marriage or asexual couples/individuals. We’d be stooping to the level of people who shame BDSM, ‘promiscuity’, pre-marital sex, porn use, etc.

      • Artemis says:

        Yeah, that’s why everyone has stopped having sex!

        :/

        • That’s why the birth control debate is so heated.

          • Precisely.

            Rapses lots and lots of people are having sex with each other. And they are also using toys while doing it.

            • Eric M. says:

              And watching porn.

            • And maybe possibly role playing? Oh god, I can’t imagine how complicated things might get if everyone was using/doing these things all at the same time.

          • Why they just do not give porn to men, and dildos and vibrators to women, it would solve the controversy over birth control??? I think may be because porn do not make sandwiches, and dildos and vibrators cannot move heavy furniture.

            • So she takes out her vibrator and uses it while reading her favorite book of erotic fiction. You take a “Fleshlight or “pocket pussy and watch some porn. After you both “Get Off” you roll over and go to sleep. 21st Century sex, ya gotta love it!

            • That sounds horrible.

              I’ll take my old-fashioned foreplay, PIV sex and cuddle any day, as aided by my birth control pills.

              But to each their own I guess.

            • That does sound horrible but I highly doubt that that’s what everyone in the 21st century is doing. Sex is too awesome to give up just because a toy exists to give people only an orgasm. It’s not all about the orgasm! I just feel like the men who have a problem with toys have objectified their own penis. As if all their manhood is stored solely in the penis and that if a woman can’t orgasm from that, then it’s an insult to a man’s ego. Women are not dating a penis, they are dating a man (or a woman, but I am focusing on heterosexual relations right now) and just because something exists to give women an orgasm doesn’t mean that she’d rather be with her toy. Orgasms are overrated! When I masturbate I do it to “get off” and it feels good, but by no means is it the best thing I have ever experienced.

            • OK, so HE work the vibrator on her while she reads her favorite book of erotic fiction and SHE works the pocket pussy on him while he views his favorite porn. And when they get EACHOTHER off, then they roll over and go to sleep. Yeah, that’s definitaly the more “interactive senerio.

            • Well I know I can’t have sex and read at the same time, but then maybe that’s just me. lol. But as for the rest of it…mutual masturbation with porn…yeah that’s a totally legit way to spend some time.

              I think what you’re failing to realize is that different types of sex satisfy different needs. If I’m just wanting to get off, I might use a vibrator and watch a bit of porn. If I’m wanting to get off, but I also want to have a more interactive experience I might do the same thing with my girlfriend (if I had one at the moment). If I was really randy and I wanted a more playful experience, I might bring out other toys with my girlfriend. And if I wanted a really deep expression of love and commitment, I might forego using anything other than our bodies.

              Which isn’t to say that you can’t have a completely light and playful experience without toys, or that you can’t use toys to express love. My point is just that sex is used in a variety of ways, and one doesn’t replace the other.

            • Heh, yeah, I like some mutual masturbation once in a while. Let’s not knock it. It’s not bad to mix it up once in a while. Though I’ve never done it with toys, but that could be fun. Occasionally engaging in something besides PIV allows for more creativity, I have found.

            • I am curious – do you feel the same way about your male lovers? If you are intimate and they don’t get off, how does that make you feel?

              I am curious, as my GF insists that I should not take it personally if I can’t make her cum, but she reserves the right to be irked if I don’t, and has even gone so far as to insist that I cum first. I am still struggling internally about being best able to rock her world. We don’t get to be together very often so the sexual learning curve is longer than usual and if anything, that is the biggest rub on any of my insecurities – the fact that I have not yet found my confidence, to KNOW that I can always do it for her so I can be comortable when sometimes it doesn’t happen, because of time constraints or stress or whatever.

  16. CajunMick says:

    I’ve never seen sex toys as a threat. Just ontologically neutral tools in the eternal quest of finding more ways to help my partner have a good time!

  17. It sounds like the men that are threatened by a vibrator have objectified their manhood. Being a man means so much more than having a penis.

    • Temecula Hubby says:

      JR…. no need to worry about vibrators from man’s point of view.. my wife and I have used one during sex for the entire time we have been married (16years). She puts it on her clit while I am in her, and she has killer orgasms every time, and quickly, too. I love it, I know that she is gonna “finish” every time we do it, so no problems from me.

      • Way to go!

        • JR, I would like to say that the use of dildo and vibrator completely dehumanizes sexual intercourse. It seems as if v##ina is simply a drainage pipe which needs to be cleared by use of some tool.

          • What? I don’t even understand this. How does it dehumanize it?

          • “It seems as if v##ina is simply a drainage pipe which needs to be cleared by use of some tool.”

            Um. I don’t think you’re very familiar with vaginas. For starters, using a “tool” on the vulva/in the vagina for sexual stimulation kind of just leads to things getting messier. Probably the least effective method of “clearing” ever. Also the vagina does routinely “clear” itself, which is why douching is not recommended.

            I don’t really understand what you are saying here. But if you are not comfortable even typing out the word vagina, I don’t think you’re mature enough to handle a conversation about female sexuality.

  18. Kirsten (in MT) says:

    The vibe I am getting here from the “OMG! I could never be as good as a vibrator!” crowd is a distinct lack of imagination. I suspect that many men who fear the vibrator just haven’t figured out how pleasant it can be for them, too. Have you tried putting a vibrator between the two of you while you’re connected so you are both being stimulated? Have you tried having your lady hold the vibrator against her cheek with you in her mouth? Etc.

    • Kirsten (in MT) says:

      I will also add to that, guys, you might want to consider how a toy increases your chances of getting in the back door, if that’s your kind of thing.

  19. I see my vibrator as a tool as well, no pun intended!

    You are absolutely right, vibrators will not replace a partner. Being held and holding, passion, kissing and feeling so much without hearing the noise of a vibrator is amazing and is a supplement. Like vitamins, but with a different feel-good outcome.

  20. I am disturbed by the general tone of the comments here, which seems to be “You’re a man, so you’re not allowed to be insecure. Suck it up, princess!” Men are programmed by general society to believe that their worth in a sexual relationship is connected to their ability as a lover, which in the common meme is synonymous with giving women the best possible orgasms. How a particular woman reaches orgasm (tender cuddling, rough dick-pounding, cunnilingus, whatever) is irrelevant so long as he is the one doing the good work, and the woman gets off with a bang. Her turning to a toy is NOT concurrent with him being the uber-love-machine.

    More constructive posts would aim to help men overcome their insecurity rather than castigate them for having it in the first place. As enlightened sexual beings, I expect more from this crowd than what appears to me to be jeering.

    (Note, there were some sympathetic ears here, but few constructive suggestions on what man can do to help themselves get deprogrammed and off the emotional hamster wheel.)

  21. Hey, I understand that women like a quick clean fix, but me and my partner haven’t had sex in at least a month now and we were doing it littrly 3 times a week. The other day we were talking and come across talking about toys. ( I’m not the type for toys however it doesn’t realli bother me if she likes to use them)) But the only thing that bothers me is the feeling that something else is going inside her. I’ve sat here down and talked about it and she says it isn’t the shaft part of a vibrator that gets her off its the ears, but to me its the fought of it resembling a shaft as in another penis.. I’ve discussed alternitives but she won’t listen or understand how I feel about it. Any help ladies??

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