Claudette & Shelley help men and women figure out when it’s the right time to have sex for the first time.
You can make your own rules on when to have sex with a new partner. Your rules may be very different from what the experts are suggesting. It’s about what you and your partner need in order to have sex and understanding about how the differences in men and women play a role. When you both have what you need, it is time to have sex.
Unfortunately, the gap in understanding between men and women leads us to believe that we both need the same things to have sex. Making this assumption is where things can get messy.
There is not a one-size-fits-all solution. This three step process of questions to ask yourself will empower you to make your own personal rules on when to have sex with a new partner.
3 Steps to Make Your Own Personal Rules on When to Have Sex with a New Partner
Step 1: What does this sexual encounter mean to you?
Examples:
- It’s a casual encounter and you have zero expectations after it is over.
- You are exclusive and now in a relationship.
- This means you are in love.
- This means you should be getting married.
Step 2: What do you expect from your partner before, during and after the sex?
Make sure you consider the following:
- You have discussed safe sex and the possibility of pregnancy/prevention.
- You are comfortable enough to set boundaries about what you will and will not provide for your partner.
- You know what you need after sex and can ask for it. For example: sleep together and snuggle, say goodbye and not sleep together, receive a text the next day, never to talk again, go out to breakfast or that you are now boyfriend/girlfriend.
Step 3: Have you considered if you are ready to handle the hormonal side effects of sex?
- Men: Are you ready for this woman to become bonded to you and do you know that you can provide her with what she needs? Are you willing to be aware that you will likely naturally pull away and this will likely be in conflict with what she needs?
- Women: Are you ready to be more bonded to this man? Are you ready for him to pull away and that this may be in conflict with what you need?
The differences between how men and women respond to hormonal effects of sex and sexual bonding are tricky and can cause us to feel very different after sex than we had planned. These differences are also different depending on our stage in life. For more information on this check out our post on how your DNA plays a role in when to have sex.
Congratulations! After this three step process, you’ve just come up with your own personal rules for when to have sex.
The next step is to have the conversation with your partner.
Do not have sex without being upfront about what it means. Make sure your partner has the chance to think about what you say and agree to what you can provide and what you need. They also need the space to decide what having sex means to them and if your mutual needs are a fit.
Caution: If you’re having this conversation in the heat of the moment, you are likely to agree to things for which you cannot be accountable. This can blow up! Men and women can get really burned if the other partner can’t hold up their end of the agreement.
There is a reason that so many relationship experts suggest to women that they withhold sex for a really long time. It’s because many men have agreed to a woman’s needs in the heat of the moment and then not delivered. He thought they were cool because he was cool. She needed more and waiting a while can help sometimes. But sometimes waiting a while is not right for a couple and stands in the way of the development of the relationship.
There is no rule that everyone should follow. But it’s important for you to know that you are going to get what you need if you do have sex with someone.
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Originally appeared at YourTango
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Photo: Flickr/Ashley MacKinnon M
You are entitled to your belief and I would fight to the death for your right to have that belief. Hopefully you would do the same for me, but I get the feeling you would not. Shall I go through your posts and point out your “typos”.
There is no such thing as god, and learn how to spell. It is “Site”, Cite is what you do when you write a paper.
I only point out the cite’s commenting policies because I have had comments that I have made that were less hostile deleted and believe me if I expressed a desire to have your kind eradicated as you have about the faithful, my comment would be deleted. They can trace the submission by a code your computer sends when you make a submission. I will pray that God enlightens you, because right now your are pretty damn ignorant. You didn’t respond to what you would do if a woman you got pregnant decided to keep the baby and bound you to… Read more »
Yes, I’m telling you that the country and world would be a better place if people like you didn’t inhabit it. Take your sky pixie bullshit and sell it some place else, cause I’m not buying. I mean, what exactly do you think pointing out the sites policies are. It’s an anonymous posting board, I can come back as many times as I want to and just keep logging in under a different name. I mean, isn’t it past your bed time? The Early Bird special was HOURS ago and Matlock’s not been on the air in a good decade… Read more »
Of course, kill the baby. Why not? Of course, she may decide she wants the baby and guess what? You can’t make her have an abortion and what is worse, the unfair flip side of that is that if you wanted to keep the baby you could not stop her from having an abortion. What’s more, if she decides she wants to keep the baby guess what you are on the hook for for 18 years at least (more if the kid goes to college)? Child support Think about that the next time you climb into bed with a woman… Read more »
All you have are patronizing attitudes and an outdated and anachronistic worldview. You don’t know the first thing about me.
If she gets pregnant, that’s what Abortion is for. The more abortions the better in my opinion, might help cut down on the number of people who are stupid enough to believe in magic sky men.
You going to perform the abortion yourself, because if she doesn’t want to have an abortion there is not much you can do to make her.
The more abortions the better in my opinion, might help cut down on the number of people who are stupid enough to believe in magic sky men. – See more at: https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/know-time-sleep-someone-handy-3-step-guide-hesaid/comment-page-1/#comment-1411326
So you would like to see people like me dead? Is that what you are saying? Hmmmmm, that seems to violate the cite’s commenting policy. It is certainly very hostile.
Oh please. Go spew your christian 50’s bullshit some place else.
Well, that is the kind of response I would expect from someone like you. You will jump into bed with anybody you want and walk away regardless of the consequences. Pretty much what I would expect these days. Is this the kind of “conversation no one else is having”? Because if it is we’re damned lucky if they are not. You have no intelligent response, in keeping with your intellectual capacity.
Honestly that’s a terrible idea, by that point when you find out you aren’t sexually compatible it becomes a legal issue rather than a simply break up and start over issue.
I would *never* marry someone I hadn’t had sex with, slept with, or lived with; precisely because I wouldn’t be able to make that choice with any confidence without knowing that person intimately to begin with.
Jay you are a man correct? If you are your attitude is not surprising but no less disturbing. It is exactly that attitude that is the root cause of a large percentage of crime and poverty in this country and the world over for that matter. You see if you get a woman pregnant you can walk away and have nothing to do with that child. Your absence causes that child to believe he/she is unwanted because her/his father is not in his/her life. Unwanted children have low esteem and in turn have low respect for others. So if you… Read more »
This is a radical and novel concept, but you will know when to sleep with a person when the person is wearing your wedding ring there is a marriage certificate declaring you and that person husband and wife. I mean you are after all engaging in an act that can create a human life and the only birth control method that is 100% effective is abstinence. Shocking, I know.
A wedding ring is just a down payment for sex you may or may not get. Thinking otherwise is just denying reality. In our current legal system you have a 50/50 chance of losing your house, children
and half of your income. That is the reason more and more men are walking away from getting married
in the first place. It is simple self preservation. Just because we have been programmed all our lives to buy into it does not mean we have to.
Honestly my DNA has very little to do with when I get to have sex. The fact I am not in a relationship, live in an area with a low number of eligible partners, and do not subscribe to a culturally acceptable lifestyle for my area (EG, I’m a liberal atheist in an extremely conservative and religious part of the country) has far more to do with when i get to have Sex. These facts of life have far more of an impact on when I can have sex than anything internal.
I noticed something that I wanted to draw issue to: You specifically list women becoming more bonded to men and men pulling away after sex. As a man, I want to stress that *we* also can become more bonded to a partner following sex.
my last partner I *liked* a lot prior to sex.. she was already my best friend, but after we had had sex a few times and slept together I knew I *loved* her. That is also a process that has repeated multiple times with multiple partners over my life.
I agree with this.
Hi Jay & Mike, Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. The differences between men and women and how our biology effects us in sex and love are on a spectrum – so they can vary for individuals and they can also vary depending on our age. Did you get a chance to click the link above to how your DNA plays a role in when to have sex? In that post we get into the bonding process a little more and it might resonate with you. Men can definitely become more bonded to a woman after sex. What bonding… Read more »
I also agree that it is a big reality for a lot of men to feel extremely bonded to a women after sex. This also happened to me with my first (sexual) boyfriend at age 17 and I have seen this happen with my two brothers in their first sexual relationships with girlfriends and another good male friend of mine who is scared of having a relationship because of getting heart broken if she’s not interested after a while. I think that it is common but maybe not the norm and that is why she put that in the article… Read more »