Men’s sexual desire is driven by culture, not evolution, Hugo Schwyzer argues. Here’s what young women are really looking for, and why we’re fools to think otherwise.
In my office, Amber is telling me a familiar story. She’s come to talk about her autobiography paper for my women’s studies class, and she reads part of her rough draft aloud.
“I was 12, and this car pulled up alongside me as I was walking home from school … the driver looked a little older than my dad, at least 40. He leaned out, and I thought he was going to ask me for directions, but instead he asked me how old I was. 
When I told him, he laughed. ‘Damn, you got some big titties for such a little girl.’ He made this gross smacking sound with his lips, and sped away. I ran all the way home.”
Amber looks up at me. “I want to know,” she asks, “why do older men hit on younger women?” She’s 20 now, tall and graceful; she tells me that for the last eight years, older men have been approaching her. “It’s not just me,” she adds, “it happens to most of my friends, almost regardless of what they look like or what they’re wearing. It makes me feel like I can’t trust anyone, like all men want just one thing. Why can’t they chase women their own age?”
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I’ve been writing and researching about relationships between older men and younger women since 2005. While the media is hyping the “cougar” phenomenon, they ignore the reality that in most age-disparate affairs the man is the older (sometimes, as in the case of Hugh Hefner, astoundingly older) partner. We take it for granted that many men in their 30s, 40s, and 50s will be more sexually attracted to younger women than to their peers. While most men and women alike are appalled by stories of adult men hitting on 12-year-olds, we still assume that men will “naturally” lust after young women just a few years older.
In 2005, John Derbyshire, a much-admired right-wing pundit at the National Review, opined:
It is, in fact, a sad truth about human life that beyond our salad days, very few of us are interesting to look at in the buff. Added to that sadness is the very unfair truth that a woman’s salad days are shorter than a man’s—really, in this precise context, only from about 15 to 20.
Remarkably, the “family values” editors at America’s flagship conservative journal let this nonsense run, perhaps because they accepted what he was saying as gospel truth: 15- and 16-year-old girls are more sexually alluring to normal adult men than are women in their late 20s. But Derbyshire wasn’t telling us a truth about women’s beauty—he was telling us a truth about the way we’ve socialized male desire.
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No one thinks babies were the first thing on the mind of Jason Statham when he started dating a 23-year-old Victoria’s Secret model, or that Sean Penn (50) is motivated by the desire to start a family with Scarlett Johansson, who’s barely half his age.
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Ask any porn site operator: the “barely legal” or “teens” sections are among the most popular niches. That doesn’t sound so troubling when you imagine an army of teen boys masturbating to images and videos of their female peers. It’s considerably different to imagine men jerking off to pictures of girls young enough to be their daughters—or granddaughters. Since Hef published his first Playboy magazine in 1953, we’ve raised three generations of men to believe that women peak in desirability somewhere between 18 and 24. For many men, that peak starts much earlier. Ask a 17-year-old how often she’s been leered at (or worse) by a much older man.
For too many men, the term “jailbait” isn’t a warning. It’s an enticement.
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Spare me the arguments from biology or evolutionary psychology, the ones that excuse predatory old guys from staring at “young firm flesh” because that flesh belongs to a woman near the peak of her fertility. The great lengths to which countless men go to avoid fatherhood suggests that the continued evolutionary imperative to “spread one’s seed” is oversold to the point of being illusory. No one thinks babies were the first thing on the mind of Jason Statham when he started dating a 23-year-old Victoria’s Secret model, or that Sean Penn (50) is motivated by the desire to start a family with Scarlett Johansson, who’s barely half his age. This is about the cultural cachet of dating a much younger woman—and about the difficult-to-deny reality that younger women lack the experience and wisdom to call their older lovers on their bullshit.
Two recent books do a superb job of puncturing the argument that male sexuality is primarily a creature of evolutionary programming. University of North Carolina professor Martha McGaughey’s The Caveman Mystique: Pop-Darwinism and the Debates Over Sex, Violence and Science (Routledge, 2008) makes the convincing case that our beliefs about male sexuality form the science, and not the other way around. In other words, men who want a reason to chase younger women are desperate to claim that what is a culturally constructed choice is really an unavoidable biological reality.
Cordelia Fine’s Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference (Norton, 2010) offers a systematic debunking of the idea that men’s sexual decisions are driven largely by brain chemistry. Both Fine and McGaughey make a compelling case that the actual science doesn’t support the idea that men’s sexual desires are driven by evolutionary imperatives.
In other words, John Derbyshire (and a lot of other grown men) may be sexually attracted to underage girls—but they don’t get to blame that fetish on biology.
Even if it were “natural,” there’s nothing innocent or harmless or healthy about older men pursuing substantially younger women. The cost is high to everyone involved. While a few young women may be attracted to much older guys (often because they falsely imagine themselves to be “so much more mature” than “other girls” their age), most are like Amber—disheartened and disgusted by the endless parade of men 10, 20, or 40 years older who harass and hit on them. These young women aren’t flattered. And even if they seem flattered at the time, it doesn’t mean the attention from older men isn’t doing great harm.
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Lynn Phillips, a psychology professor at New York University, did a famous study of young women (mostly under legal age) who were in relationships with significantly older men. Most of the girls she interviewed described these affairs as mutual, exciting, and fulfilling. They pushed back against the suggestion that they were being exploited, claiming in many cases to have initiated or at least welcomed the sex with older men. Phillips then interviewed a similar number of older women. Each of these was over 30, and each had been in a relationship with a much older man while still in her teens. With the benefit of hindsight and experience, these older women acknowledged that they’d been used and hurt and exploited. They admitted that their claims of maturity and sexual adventurousness were all a pretense. In other words, what Phillips found is that while there are some teen girls who are “asking for it,” it’s not what they really want. Teen girls feign sexual sophistication; men need to be able to see through that.
Kerry Cohen, author of Loose Girl and the forthcoming Dirty Little Secrets: Breaking the Silence on Teenage Girls and Promiscuity, argues that “when adult men sexualize teen girls, even just by ogling them, the girls are reminded that their worth in their world is dependent on how sexy they are.” “Girls who choose men so far out of their age ranges,” Cohen writes, “tend toward low self-esteem and depression.” These aren’t sweet coming-of-age stories. And they don’t fit the pornographic story line that young girls are eager for sexual initiation at the hands of an older, wiser mentor.
Here’s the brutal truth, guys. Teen and 20-something women aren’t nearly as interested in much older men as you may think. Sure, there are high school girls with Johnny Depp fantasies, but guess what? You’re not Johnny Depp. (If you were that 48-year-old actor, you’d be devoted to your 38-year-old French girlfriend.) Yes, some young women do flirt with older men. Some do it for validation, some do it for excitement, but a hell of a lot of them do it because guys like you have already taught them that’s the only thing that older men want.
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A true story about the way younger women really see “older men” (and if you’re attracted to 18- to 24-year-olds, you count as “older” if you’re on the high side of 30).
A few years ago, my friend Sean went through a rough divorce. Newly single and almost 40, he went back on the dating scene for the first time in over a decade. But the woman who caught his eye wasn’t someone he met online. She was his favorite barista at his local Starbucks. She was 19.
Next: The girl behind the counter
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About Hugo Schwyzer
Vocalyze
So I guess all you pervs approve of Courtney Stodden and her geriatric husband?
Kaylee,
I’ve no doubt you are right. But older men are hurt when you scowl at them in the streets when they are enjoying looking at you. I would not for one moment suggest you smile if you don’t want to. What makes you feel that you have the right to not only tell men how they should move their own eyeballs around in their own heads but also to have the audacity to consider that your thinking of your uncle sexually makes this act somehow morally wrong? It is only moving one’s own eyes in one’s own head!
Mind you, I agree with you on the sitting too close. People should not invade other people’s space.
I was 54 when I married my 18 year old wife. I met her in the Philippines when she was 16, but we did not fall in love until two years later. We’ve been married 20 years, and I could not have asked for a better wife. She has taken good care of me, and I have taken good care of her. We have endured much ignorant statements such as “she is only after your money”, “she only wants a green card”, “she’ll leave you as soon as she gets her citizenship”, “you should go to jail for being a pervert for marrying a baby”. None of these, or the hundreds of other stupid statements ever came true. …..
Sure, it was fun being married to a young beautiful lady at first, but after a couple years, we never even thought about the age difference. We were, and are, just two people in love. I don’t recommend marrying someone 36 years in age difference, but there is nothing Lawfully or Biblically wrong with it. By the way, nearly ALL of the folks over the years who have said so many stupid things have been divorced at least once in that time.. some of them several times.
We have four wonderful kids, age 12 to 18 , all excell in school and sports, and are very well behaved. And, they are being taught to wait until marriage to have sex, just like their mother (wish I could have waited! haha) Will they wait? Who knows? But they have a great foundation.
And, I know some of you are going to make some more stupid remarks about our relationship, but you know what? It’s your problem, not mine. We are happy.
It’s funny, why the lust of an older man should be differently judged than his lust when he was younger (that goes for or women and younger men too)? If an older man feels lust for a younger woman and is not attached to any other woman why is it abnormal for him to pursue his happiness in this way, if that happens to make the younger woman happy too?
We are not talking about hitting on underage girls. We are talking about consenting adults with an age difference of maybe 20 or more years. We are also talking mostly about men who had to forgo a lot of fun in their younger years to achieve all the accomplishments in their life.
I agree with the three top reasons why older men date younger women. However, I want to add one more that nobody is talking about. If a man has kept himself in good physical shape, is healthy and attractive, stayed young at heart and spirit, has a cool attitude about trends (music, fashion, sex, etc.), and is unattached, why wouldn’t he be appealing to any younger woman? And here is my point: such a man cannot get along with a traditional woman close to his age, especially if the notion of building a family is not one of his priorities.
A woman of his age, say 45 and up would generally have a few kids, a few divorces, a few ailments, and a restricted lifestyle not to speak about her physical attractiveness. How many (soccer-) moms do you know who have time to take care of their body, their looks, and follow trends (movies, music, new restaurants, art exhibitions, etc.)? Call me superficial, but I like beauty, attraction, and excitement. How many have the time to go on trips, or party in the weekend once in a while, or attend a concert out of town, etc. We are not talking about Hollywood stars whose job requires them to stay in good shape and have all the resources they need.
A successful man who spent his life studying, learning, and working hard to arrive where he is, is entitled to enjoy the fruits of his labor and pursue his happiness at an older age; and if this means to partner with a younger woman, then more power to him and her. Unless the only reason for their relationship is to build a family and have a bunch of kids, I don’t see anything wrong in such a relationship. It might even last much longer than relationships between couples of similar ages.
And what is wrong if the older man can offer her not just stability and experience, but also a much better material life than a young man, stressed by the rat race and struggling to make ends meet, can? And, maybe, he can insure her a better future when he is not around anymore?
The reason why most younger women love dating older men is not because “It makes them look mature” among other girls their age but older men are mature enough and can handle the relationship quite well. I was about 15-16 when I fell in love with this 25 year old. I never did like dating peers my age or similar to that because I don’t find them mature enough, they don’t know how to handle a relationship like older men do. Younger women attempt to mature quickly then younger boys. Older Men like nor hit on younger women because their young and beautiful, they find young women “cute” and very attracting.
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I just broke up with my 12 year relationship. He was younger then me, not allot, but younger. Now he has moved on, very quickly I might add, with a 19 year old from Ohio. she just recently graduated high school. We live in Ontario. He is 31, and he thinks he loves her, only a 2 weeks after texting this young girl in the states. They never even met, while saying they love each other. How can he possibly love her, being 19, after being with me, for 12 years. Our break up wasn’t bad, and we even talked about getting back together. There were only minor reasons I ended it. Otherwise our relationship was wonderful. He ever told me, the same. Please help me understand. He is totally oblivious to what we had, two weeks after break up.
If the relationship was so wonderful why would you end it–and for minor reasons? I think he’s probably more aware of what you thought you had than you think. Why would he think you had something extra special when you ended it? Why would he think there was something to hold onto? Think a bit about your actions. Why should he be expected to wait for you when you ended it? If what you had was so great and wonderful, why would you end it?
Yeah, some men will hang on until there is absolutely no hope for a relationship to be salvaged, but there are also men who aren’t going to wait around for someone else to decided what direction their life is going to take.
I am sure it’s not a nice potion to be in, but you made your decision and now you have to live with the consequences of that decision.
you broke it off? then why are you worried about what he is doing at all? Move on and dont worry what he is doing. He found someone that is better for him – right now…. Stop whining
…he’s obviously a complete freak/psycho. i think you dodged a bullet there. i just feel sorry for the poor girl he’s predating on :S
Wow, sorry I pissed you off Emma. And you didn’t even reply to my messege, you just bashed me. No one asked for your rudeness.
The reason I ended it, was because I needed to make a point. He could not give emotionally, but he could love. It is hard to explain, however I know what i am talking about. He loved me so much! Twelve wonderful years to be exact. i need to show him, (and I told him the same) that if he didn’t try and show any emotion, I was gone. That is all that was wrong. That was it. He couldn’t show emotions, because he has been very damaged through his childhood. And I accepted this for a long time. We shared everything, even his tears, that was very hard for him to do. So now I see he running away from all this, to someone he barely ever see’s. You know why? So he doesn’t have to commit, or to show any emotion yet again. And I don’t understand why he has done this.
So Emma, instead of bashing people, and judging me, why not wait till you get a good description of the problem.
You ended it to prove a point? I’m sorry, I am not bashing anyone, I just asked a few questions.
Actually, your description of the problem only baffles me more with why you are confused that when you ended it, he decided to try someone one new.
Has he told you that he’s running away from you so that he doesn’t have to commit or show emotion or is this just something you assigned to him so that you can rationalize being right for your lack of commitment to him?
I am in a wonderful relationship going on 18 glorious years. We’ve had our ups and we’ve had our downs, but ending it to prove a point never crossed my mind because to me ending it shows a lack of commitment. If you can’t weather a person as they are now and you end a relationship because of it you are not committed to that person.
You may not see what you have done as a lack of commitment, but it is. If he is damaged from his childhood as you say, than ending the relationship after 12 years is you not being committed to him or the relationship you had with him.
Would you go back to someone who told you that you had to be someone other than who you are or they were going to leave?
Damaged people do not magically heal because someone wants them to behave in a different way. I am not bashing and I am sorry if you take it that way.
Commitment works both ways. If you can end a 12 year relationship because of a problem you knew about he may not see you as committed to him as you think you are.
I was committed to him for 12 years, he did not. I gave all my soul into our relationship, more then I ever gave my ex. husband. Im ending this conversation. Only because no one knows what happened, what we went through, what I personally went through. And I guess it was wrong of me to post any comment. People are being very judgmental, without knowing the facts.