Every afternoon for weeks, Sean would order his latté and chat up the gal behind the counter. He was slowly working up his courage to ask for her number—until she made the first move one day when he was the only customer in line.
“Uh, can I ask you something?” Her embarrassed grin seemed full of promise.
“Sure,” Sean said, his heart starting to race.
“Are you single?”
Wow, Sean thought to himself, this is easier than I thought. “Sure am!”
“Well, I know this is weird,” the barista said, “but you seem really great and I really want to introduce you to my mother. She’s really awesome, and I think you two would have a lot in common.”
Sean was crestfallen. He took the mother’s number, but never called. And he never went back to that Starbucks. “How can I date a woman my age when I’m already so attracted to her daughter?”
Too many of us are like Sean, flattering ourselves that we’re still desirable to women young enough to be our daughters. Young women may want something from us that doesn’t involve dating their single mothers, but it’s usually not what we imagine that they want. Even if they seem flirtatious, remember how much of that is just a pretense. No matter how sexually forward they may seem, teen girls usually don’t want what they claim to want, at least not from a guy your age—and if you give it to them, chances are good they’ll resent you for it later.
♦◊♦
So many kids grow up like Amber, my student. So many grow up disappointed in—and betrayed by—older men. Part of being a good man is matching your language to your life, matching your desires and your values. Teen girls, and teen boys, need to see the older men in their lives as trustworthy and reliable. Like it or not, in the eyes of a young woman, you’ll never be trustworthy if you’re hitting on girls her age. You’ll be a “creep” and a “perv.” And you’ll have earned those names.
This isn’t about shaming adult men for doing a double-take at a cute high school cheerleader. It’s about gently reminding all of us that what looks so grown up isn’t. It’s about remembering that our libidos should be growing along with the rest of us. Most of us who are over 30 don’t have the same haircut or listen to the same music that we did when we were teens. Unless we’re the unfortunate John Derbyshire, shouldn’t we be attracted to a completely different age group than we were when we were too young to drive?
If we’re not fathers, we can still be role models. As I see in my own work every day, young people are so hungry for that comforting, steady male energy that only guys who won’t see 30 (or 40, or 50) again can provide. This isn’t about infantilizing young adults. It’s about building a culture where good, kind, and responsible men serve as guides and mentors to young people, boys and girls alike, who need our safety and our strength.
♦◊♦
See also:
A Good Man’s Guide to Catcalling
The ‘Creepy’ Factor
—Photo by k.ivoutin/Flickr
Jazakallah.This insightful blog sheds light on toxic friendships, urging self-reflection and boundaries. Recognizing these dynamics is crucial for fostering genuine connections.
I’m 67 and been married for 41 years and counting. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t take a few extra seconds to look at a woman that was very attractive to me regardless of her age. But it was okay, the wife said I could look as long as I didn’t touch! Hahaha! But I never touched and hope I didn’t make anyone uncomfortable. But about 10 years ago we stopped having sex because it caused her pain. Since that time, I find it hard not to look at attractive women, of any age, and wonder what it… Read more »
It sounds like you are not worthy of your wife and certainly not marriage material if the reason you don’t touch is because you are not young and attractive. Like most guys you do not appreciate or know what you have. Let me tell you even if your wife says you can look you are hurting her. Cultural norms make us the bad guys if we say things are not ok or hurtful because most men come with a huge sense of false entitlement and no you guys are not entitled to anything. We are right to stand up for… Read more »
and what if you are an older man that likes younger women; are you saying that he’d be a perv just because of his likes? OK then do not have sex with someone who is not 5 years older than you or are not married to or be of a same sex, etc.
Oh my goodness, thank you so much for this article. I’ve been getting hit on by older men and it’s just so creepy and I was starting to get really disheartened that most men out there are getting old but not maturing. When I’m online dating, they ALL seem to think that they’re the exception, that they’ve been told that “look younger than their age” (they don’t), that they’re “young at heart” (grow up!) and if I could make an exception for them (no, please move on – you’re creeping me out). I of course usually just delete or block… Read more »
When I was young, I lusted after young babes. Now at 50 I still lust after young babes but I do nothing about it because I know it’s wrong. I also lust after older babes as well but the best sex has always been with younger babes. Such is life for older guys. It’s like we are caught in a sexual time warp and we don’t want to come out of it.. But as long as it remains a fantasy, no problem. Also older woman are not so hot anymore because they have become over bearing in all things. Specially… Read more »
Pirip nobody is forcing you to date older women your age. Date the young girls. Simple. Why does it have to be a fantasy? Were you forced into a marriage or something? Did you not wear a condemn and now have children? If so then bad choices on your part. Don’t blame the women for your decisions in life. If you married young did you not know your girl would age??
Do not settle for a women your age if you can’t stand them. They will sense it and may BECOME overbearing. Nobody wants to be the consolation prize.
maybe your just a sad old perv, and you have never been able to be with a women of your age. because she sees what a sad old perv lurking in the shadows you are. your balls need to be cut off and soon sad old bastard
Literally ever time an older man comments about an attraction to a younger girl, or a younger girl has an attraction to an older guy, you leave the same vacuous, insulting nonsense about how “perverted” it is and how they “really aren’t attracted” and blah blah blah. Anyone can recognize you’re the spurned woman who has no sex drive whatsoever. Many people actually like sex. Many people are “perverts” for each other. Get over yourself and your self-righteous, condescending morality. They make an extra strong lubricant for women like you, by the way. Maybe if you got some action you… Read more »
What a crock — you just sound like a miserable old git whose partnered up a women of your own age you don t like….I want to vomit because of your attitude — it would be like me saying young men are like play things immature but virile and older men should just be binned as they are usually bitter and can t get it up !! good day !!!
Old man
This is the same Hugo Schwyzer who pretended he had a degree from Fuller Theological Seminary, pretended he was a pastor, blatantly lied in his lectures while at Pasadena City College, attempted to stage a pornography session with a pornstar in front of a class of studies in his “sex studies” class which was promptly dismissed, then found to be cheating on his wife by SOLICITING SEX with his STUDENTS in return for grades, and was eventually fired from PCC despite being tenured, and has been a nervous wreck ever since enough people realized how utterly batshit insane he was.… Read more »
If what you say is true, then I’m laughing my head out! These moralists who do the opposite of what they preach are a joke. He probably thinks he’s one of the privileged men to whom the rule doesn’t apply. Lol.
I lust after much younger women because they’re sexy and attractive. I know I’m way older than they, and I know nothing will ever materialize but I fantasize anyway. It’s a nice but obviously misguided fantasy.
go for it then see how long you last with them, when a hot younger sexy guy comes up . you will be dropped like a shitty piece of loo roll
LOL. Sounds like the author lost his girlfriend to an older guy, and this is his self-justification for why he’s not a loser.
you realize all of these girls that go after older disgusting men are doing it because they either forced
I’m 29 and my husband is 40, I met him when I was 19. I fell in love instantly, we married after 11 months together. We have five children and have been together ten years. We never fight, and have never spent a night apart.
I knew what I wanted at age 17, I went out met the one and made it happen.
Just so you know 35 is considered old lady porn. If your husband was that into younger girls at 30 it may not change. Once you hit 35 or 40 he may still want a 19 year old. Not saying this to be mean. Just be aware and stay sexy. It’s all they want really.
give it time love, he will be looking for a replacement
Per previous comments, like Jesse’s.. hate to break it to you but I think you’re very arrogant and lacking in empathy traits that even a 17-24 year Would find unbecoming and just secretly laugh to themselves. believe or not Jesse 30 year old women do not have saggy skin. They just aren’t teeny boppers anymore. And while we may pretend to be flattered, secretly we are opening the car door as soon as we go and sticking our fingers in our mouths making vomit sounds. So no matter how much you think Hugo is off, he has your best interest…… Read more »
You silly girl. Whatever you may think you know, you know nothing about the real Hugo Schwyzer. I don’t know about the other Jesse, but let me tell you, the author of this article is nothing short of a molester and a pedophile. He is an utterly disgusting scumbag and if you do a little research my dear, you will find Hugo Schwyzer has quite an unsavory reputation among his former students (like myself, from Pasadena), and those who employed him. Look at my own comment above yours for clarification.
You really are talking out your ass. Why we find young woman attractive isn’t societal it’s physical. Youth is generally more beautiful based on health and ability to breed and bear children for years. Men want to fk n woman and men can choose to raise the kids or not but the natural desire to breed is not about raising kids it’s about fucking a desirable mate. Maybe cloths and hair style have a factor in our taste in lovers but young healthy skin is genetically more desirable the baggy skin and fat bodies. Also young woman are more willing… Read more »
Which is why you sit at home fapping to porn
Jesse the same goes for women and young guys. Do you think we want to see your beer belly and gray hair over a buff 20 year old guy? Do you think our porn choices consist of wrinkly men? Is it your believe that an 18 year old wants the father of her baby to be hairy and 50?
are you a phillipino or thi scroat on the make. will you not get old or will your older husband pay for your treatments, and the rest.oh will be really fun to see you posting on here in another 10years when your even older old husband, if youve not fuckjed the life out of him is senile. and will you care for him or just reap your rewards you dirty prostitute bitch.and have gave him umpteen kids that arent really his. dont play your youth games you glorified prostitute.
I can say at 48 an 18 year old said she would sleep with me. I met her in a Holiday Inn Express. Someone she knew worked there and she felt embarrassed She was a bit immature for her age, she didnt brush her teeth just ugh bleh until I screamed at her and I would not do it again after the experience. I did not finish because I have a rule about if I cannot make her Orgasm I do not get to either she had some crazy injected birth control that basically ruined her ability. So after 3… Read more »
You’re a sad case.
what a shame dont be such a prick next time your face probably look like a asshole having a shit, same a so many men that think they are gorgeous, so funny you prob look like shit, a sad old git no one wants to date and pays for it. enjoy ship the next one in. ugly and a idiot is the same from any country. have a good look in the mirror. then go hire a local prossie that will shag you whatever sad shit
Surely our sexual desires are a result of culture and evolution. Hugo seems to miss that the reason humans evolved to have a sex drive is because it creates babies. Male preference for females at peek fertility cannot be dismissed by pointing out many men try to avoid parenthood. A want for children is not required, if the behavior results in producing children (having sex with fertile women), the traits that led to that behavior are likely to be passed on. This article seems a backlash to “Red Pill” style thinking that claims everything is biological/evolutionary. Attempts at understanding this… Read more »
Omg! This resonated with me. Good on you Hugh, first of all, you have called these men out on their bullshit! I am a 26 year old woman, I was in a heavy relationship with a 39 year old when I was 16 years old. I loved him! I idolised him! It was magic (in my teenage mind we were meant to be) but I fell pregnant not once but TWICE within 6 months, and had to have an abortion. I wanted to keep this baby but he decided it was too risky for him if I kept my baby… Read more »
Lol sorry Hugo!
This is a major problem today, and I’m 61. I worked as a public librarian for 25 years. In the last few years of my career, I had several teen girls get aroused or interested in me. Why I don’t know. I’m lean, five ft. seven inches tall, and wear glasses–very nerdy. Some girls flirt with men just to validate their sexual powers. I also had a few middle age women come on to me also. Lots of women are looking for men out there and they come in all ages. We live in a highly sexualized culture. Remember lots… Read more »
Michael, While I agree with a lot of what you said, I highly doubt teenage girls are aroused by you! Trust me, as a former teenage girl, we don’t like old men unless they are rich or famous or our daddies never loved us. It’s a fact, my daddy was absent from when I was 5 years old, that’s why I loved my dickhead man when he was 39. No teenage girls likes a 61 year old! Unless they have serious issues with their grandpa! Lol!
Jordan–Tom Leykis–radio DJ says women respond to three things in men: money, power, and fame. If a man has that, women overlook many other things including age. You just proved his point.
Sad outlook on the world.
My friends and I have had our fair share of harassment from an early age. Men shouting “Check those tits!” to my 12 year old friend, teachers pursuing sexual relationships , a family friend calling me while he was having sex so I can have a listen. This type of attention from much older men scare you for life, and it shapes the way you view men, sex and relationships. And yes girls “mature” much earlier than boys, but maybe it’s because they are flung into the adult world as soon as they hit puberty?! This “as long as it’s… Read more »
Most of the comments from men are quite negative of this article and most comments from women seem to relate to it. Now if we all think carefully, we can figure out why this is..
I have know my boyfriend since I was 25. I’m now 50 he 72. He is infatuated with a young girl 18-19. I’m livid. Litterly sick to my stomach. Like I’m to old now…I’m so turned off.
Oh, no I’m no longer with him. Its obviously sexual n not maturity or love or companionship. Nasty
Exactly Mimi. A lot of these men WANT to be in denial… They’ve like completely ignored the article while us girls know the truth! So annoying.
This has disgusted me for 15 years, and is why I have not dated for more years than that. The men here want a fashion accessory, not a relationship. Very boring. I am now of an age where no one would find me attractive in Los Angeles, and I rather like it. I feel safer now.
Maybe, just maybe an older man can fall in love with a younger woman. Maybe she can fall in love with an old man. You are making sweeping generalizations. Maybe a 35 year old can be with a 25 year old and they live happily ever after. Maybe a 50 year old man dating an 18 year old is gross. Your site, from what I have read is very judgemental. Dont sit on your perch making sweeping generalizations about adults lives and call it truth. Maybe the girls are tired of being cheated on by young misogonyst kids. Maybe they… Read more »
If it was about real ‘love’ then there would be equal numbers of younger men and older women doing the same. The inequality in ratios reflects that this is in fact about inequality.
Bravo…yoir the first one to mention the generalizations…the accusations. How can one scorn woman know what the while you g woman population wants…what they need….want…i say if an older guy is attracted to a younger woman and she feels the same way, it’s no one else’s business. That’s a big problem in this world today everyone wants to. it noses I other people’s. Business. No one has mentioned the older women who chase young men..the “cougar”…what are they after..love…? I don’t think the majority is…no one is up in arms about that…my opinion is that they are mostly looking for… Read more »
I am 45 and I am attracted to perky, firm body, young women have that body, I am like all men, visual, as long as she is of legal age is all fair
You may be attracted to them but statistically they are not attracted to you. Deal
Yeah but you have to admit if it was legal….15, 14, ect…youd be in..just like the majority of us men…we just can’t help what we are attracted to…look at all the other countries where getting married to young teen girls is nirmal…it used to be that way here too…so it’s not just today’s social norm for older men to want young girls…its been that way since the beginning..we’re human…
Omg!
This man is brilliant!
I have been trying for years to tell
Older men they look like nasty creepy old pervs when they act like that towards younger women.
I’m sharing this on Fb and I pray it spreads like fire!
Thank you Hugo Schwyzer!!!!
Yes! Yes! Yes! I agree whole heartedly with everything in this article! Older men/ women who lust after teens and young adults are quite frankly, disgusting. I find myself asking the question “why do the majority of men only care about sex/ lust?” All the time! I hate that society has objectified women and used sex appeal as a way to attract people, and I think that men and women should inform themselves that just because sex sells in the media doesn’t mean it’s warranted by the rest of society. I’m a fairly young female and there have been countless… Read more »
Why because you older women act like you dont want us…… !!!!!!!!!
I’m not sure how to respond. I’m an educated, successful, 65 year old man and I like looking at much younger women. I find them beautiful. Yes, I do fantasize about sex but I know that it’s a fantasy and would never act on it. What’s wrong with this? Don’t women look at beautiful younger men and enjoy it? I suspect they do.
Coraline–I’m 61, and our culture has changed drastically over the past 40 years. Boundaries of appropriate behavior disappeared long ago. We live in highly sexualized culture. It damages relationships greatly.
It’s tough to have romance anymore, courtship is gone. We are left at the lowest level of personal interaction–that is–relating to each other only a physical level.
It’s funny how just men are pigs. When in fact women list after your young boys all the time as well. I see so many moms at the male and stores who lust after young boys. It’s on the news all to often now. Women are just as bad as men in every way that men are. So when you write a post you need to include the women as well. If a man is 40 and he has an 18 year old girlfriend who cares. We see older women with young boys for arm candy as well. But it’s… Read more »
The Sean story happened to me, I’m in my mid fifties I would go to same subway once a week in the weekend. There was an attractive girl there I didn’t know it at the time she was 19. We hardly said a word to each other for 4 months. Then got talking after a month out of the blue she asked me for my number, she was very keen on me. She wasn’t an oddity she was mature for her age, studying veterinary science. She hasn’t been the only one to have shown an interest. My point is there… Read more »
Yes, sweetie it is. You are simply trying to justify your actions.