Andrew Tolve presents a men’s guide to the greatest gift you’ll ever buy.
To truly understand how obsessed Americans are with engagement rings, you have to be in the market for one.
Then you start to notice jewelry stores on every third or fourth block, sparkly pop-up ads on your desktop, and the voice of Tom Shane everywhere—during Monday Night Football, on your morning drive to work, on your “I’ve got a feeling” Pandora radio station—crooning on about the Shane Co.’s best diamond prices in America.
Add to this rigmarole the pressure of grandparents, mothers, siblings, friends, Facebook, and, of course, the lucky lady herself, and it becomes clear why shopping for an engagement ring is such a trying experience for men.
I, for one, was petrified. I have a track record for putting tons of time into gifts that end up badly missing their mark. Only after I’ve given the gift can I see all the other options that would have made for an infinitely better one. The thought of having the same epiphany after a proposal was near paralyzing.
Thankfully, I emerged from the process unscathed, with a ring that was and continues to be a hit. Hardly a week goes by that Ali doesn’t get compliments on her ring from friends, co-workers, waitresses, her gym trainer—really, anyone who sees it.
Indeed, the success of the ring was part of the reason Ali and I were able to move beyond the disaster of the proposal that accompanied it (For a full recap of that proposal, read here. For a summary, imagine stampeding sheep, boys with pellet guns, and a stammering guy on one knee. That was me.)
Every time we look at the ring, though, we don’t remember any of that. Instead, we see a beautiful stone and love what it represents and how it’s going to be on Ali’s finger for, well, ever. It’s my hope that this list will help you arrive at a similar success.
Brace yourself for the bill.
Buying a glittering ring for the love of your life is a romantic thing to do. Swiping your card for a $3,000, $10,000, $50,000 purchase … not so much.
The average diamond engagement ring goes for between $3,500 and $4,000 these days, but it’s easy to spend way more in a hurry. Take some time from the start to get used to how much rings cost and how much you feel comfortable spending. A general rule is that you should expect to spend about twice your monthly income.
If you’re out of work or under financial duress from the recession, there are low-cost alternatives—pawnshops, classifieds, online discount stores—but unfortunately, engagement rings are difficult to cut corners on. If you really can’t afford a nice ring, forget it altogether for now and wait until more prosperous days return. They will eventually. And in the meantime, it’s the commitment, not the diamond, that counts.
If you’re not under financial pressure but you’re looking to cut corners (for more beer, a bigger TV, a more expensive gym membership), I suggest you a) reevaluate the soundness of your relationship, and b) start counting the days until your future wife goes to upgrade her ring.
Look around.
Jewelry stores vary greatly from one to the next. Some have vast collections spread over multiple floors with dozens of salespeople scampering about; others showcase a few select rings in a small room with a sole jeweler, who may also be the owner. Do yourself a favor and visit a bunch early on. Talk to employees and build up a comfort level with the Four Cs (cut, clarity, color, and carat) and decide which you value the most.
You might also try out a wholesale marketplace where the jewelers themselves go to buy their rings. You too, it turns out, can buy directly from the source. It’s an overwhelming experience for some, though the reward is in designing your own ring and chopping the retail rate in half. AmericasMart in Atlanta and the SF Jewelry Center in San Francisco are both highly recommended.
I went to a wholesale marketplace to design my own setting, and sifted through hundreds of stones myself. I ended up with a central sapphire instead of a diamond, partly because I knew Ali loved the look of a sapphire, and partly because that stone just felt like us.
Finally, use the Internet as a resource. With a quick Google search, beautiful estate jewelry can be at your fingertips. Some jewelry companies keep blogs that match celebrity jewelry with affordable alternatives. Most offer guidance for identifying quality and getting up to speed with the gemstone argot.
Talk to her friends.
It’s a strange thought that your girlfriend’s friends may know about her proposal long before she does herself. But get over it. Her friends will prove an invaluable resource.
Ask them if they know the exact ring your girlfriend has always wanted; it’s possible they’ve circled it in a magazine together. Or maybe they’ll know the cut, setting, or stone she’s most fond of.
If not, you can still use them for general advice. You can also ask your girlfriend subtle questions without her knowing what you’re up to. As you get further into the process, her friends will be good for bouncing photos and ideas off of, and for other odds and ends—like making sure you get the ring sized correctly.
Go to a jewelry store together.
There’s nothing more unglamorous than walking through a jewelry store and waiting for your girlfriend to say, “There, I want that one. It’s perfect!” It kills the surprise.
But let’s be honest here: Girls have a knack for picking out wonderful, thoughtful, exciting gifts that make their boyfriends feel like the luckiest guys in the world. And guys, well, sometimes we don’t. Bad jewelry, bad clothes, bad restaurants—we’ve been guilty of them all.
Which means that come engagement time, spending a ton of cash on arguably the most important present of your life, with zero input from your girlfriend, is a totally insane proposition. If your girlfriend’s friends are certain of what she wants, then great, this isn’t a problem. If they aren’t, and you haven’t managed to subtly pry the information out yourself, then maybe, just maybe, it’s best to suck it up and let her help.
Take a casual stroll around, take note of what she’s interested in, and then leave her out of it for the rest of the process. She’ll have no idea if you’re planning to propose in a week, a month, a year, or never. Besides, odds are you’ve already discussed marriage together, so taking a look at a few rings won’t spoil anything.
Make sure it counts.
More than anything else, make sure the ring you choose is significant to you. Most diamonds are good at being shiny and beautiful and looking good on any finger. But that’s the thing: your girlfriend’s ring finger isn’t just any finger. It’s your wife-to-be’s, and the ring on there should represent whatever force made you want to buy it.
That doesn’t mean you need your initials inscribed. But when you look at that ring, it had better resonate with both of you. If it doesn’t, the rest of the advice on this list is moot.
—Andrew Tolve is a columnist for The Good Men Project. Want to know when his next piece is published? Sign up for our email mailing list.
About Andrew Tolve
Vocalyze
All of this rings very true with my experience … wish I had this list back then.
Sorry for the “ring” pun … just realized it was there and don’t feel like changing it!
Another option. Build it together!
It’s romantic. She’ll still know it’s coming, but as the jeweler told us, we’re forging our marriage together. Here’s how it happened: http://vimeo.com/10027500 and a longer version here: http://vimeo.com/10040085.
I still didn’t know when the engagement day would be.
But being realistic…most women know the ring is coming…so why not co-create it?
Good article and very accurate description of what it’s like to go through when you commit to this purchase.
But I wanted to advocate for the Internet, specifically sites like Blue Nile which is where I got my wife’s ring. It’s still a good idea to head to a few jewelry stores first, but I was able to design the setting and pick through stones until I found something I liked online. Yes, it is a little unnerving to spend that kind of money on something you haven’t actually seen. But their return policy is 100% guaranteed for 30 days so if something is wrong there’s no risk at all.
And I did it from the comfort of my own home without dealing with annoying salespeople. Just wanted to add that the Internet experience can be a very beneficial one when it comes to ring shopping.
Sigh … Your article makes some rash presumptions about *this* man’s resources.
My fiance and I had a long talk about this. Exactly who was the ring for and what was its purpose. The result of that discussion was that the ring was for “bragging rights” by the woman and that its purpose, now antiquated, was as “earnest money”, as in buying a house. Neither of these purposes was meaningful to either of us. It was meaningful, however, to her parents and some of her girlfriends.
We solved the problem by getting a Zirconium stone ring of sufficient size to terrorize her girlfriends and set her mom’s heart at ease. We told nobody what we had done. Ten years later, it does not matter. We used the money saved to put a down payment on a house.
Hahaha, great. A men’s magazine that goes against the common stereotypes. Awesome.
Now an article about the perfect diamond ring to buy for your spouse? Sure, provide, save X month worth of money for the blood diamond of choice sounds like the right advice for a men’s magazine that goes against the stereotypes. Hey, this is 2010.
George, I think you make a very good point. Considering who the ring is for and what its purpose is is important before making such a big investment. If the ring’s not ultimately for you, or you can find an affordable alternative that makes you just as happy, by all means it’s a great course to follow. My experience doesn’t align with yours—I wasn’t interested in a ring as a wow piece to impress others. I wanted to find a beautiful stone that Ali would see on her finger and be reminded of us, me, where we’re going, and where we’ve been, every single day. That was my starting point. And that, in the end, was well worth the search and the money (believe me, as a writer, this man’s bank account isn’t swollen with dollar bills).
Feckless, as far as I know, the purpose of this men’s magazine isn’t to take a contrarian point of view to all other men’s magazines out there. It’s to open an honest dialogue about men’s issues. And, to be frank, most guys in 2010 on the verge of proposing aren’t thinking about taking a moralistic stand against blood diamonds. They’re looking for a beautiful ring, and they’re flooded with different options, and, at least in my case, they would love some solid advice. That insecurity is not something you hear discussed everyday. It’s what I was trying to respond to. Again, if couples feel opposed to a ring for whatever reason—moral, financial, aesthetic—I’m in full favor of them following their instincts.
One final point about blood diamonds: This is a serious issue, and I’m not trying to gloss over it. Some believe that the best solution to the problem is not boycotting diamonds, which would add further stress to over-stressed communities, but rather to advocate for fair labor practices and employment. Here are two links for people interested in finding conflict-free stones:
http://www.the-clarity-project.com/fairdiamonds.html
http://www.thenaturalweddingcompany.co.uk/ring.htm
Another option- family ring (if a grandmother/mother/aunt is willing to part with it). I was recently given my fiance’s grandmothers set of rings and I couldn’t be happier. The proposal was a complete surprise, and it is an honor to be wearing her ring (soon, both rings). I *know* it’s not all about the ring, but these rings are pretty darn beautiful and awesome.
Absolutely this.
I hadn’t worn a ring since high school. I knew I wanted a simple wedding band, but I had not idea what kind of engagement ring I wanted, if it came up. The words “study, practical, not-showy, or unique” came to mind, but I didn’t know beyond that. All I knew was, I didn’t want him to sink his fortune into a bit of bling, I just wanted the *symbol* of commitment.
When my partner presented me with his mother’s ring, it was not only sentimental, romantic, a now-heirloom, and with one of the most unique settings I’d ever seen, but as soon as I saw it, I realized just how much he understood me. This was a practical, pragmatic, and inexpensive ring, as well as being beautiful, unique, and romantic. The symbol and the intent were more important that the 4Cs or the monetary value, or the size of the sparkly.
Whether you are researching diamonds, or her style, or custom-designing a ring, or getting a family heirloom, it really is the thought and the personal touch that counts.
Great story, Andrew! I just found this site and I’m really enjoying it. I just wanted to point out that there are other, less expensive alternatives. For instance, a friend of mine proposed to his gf with a lapis lazuil, and she was thrilled. It’s unique for an engagement ring.
As for me, I told my then-BF long before we were ready for marriage that I never wanted him to spend thousands on an engagement ring for me. (Personal preference; I’m not knocking anyone else’s choice.) When the time came, we went to an Indian neighborhood in NYC that had plenty of jewelery dealers selling sub-1k rings with and without diamonds in them. I chose one with emerald and diamond chips. We were both happy with the purchase, and DH only spent about $400, so we were able to spend the money we’d saved on the wedding.
I realize that options like these are easier to find if you live in a good-sized city, but it is possible to find a ring for your lady if you’re on a budget and if she’s amenable.
I could not disagree more. The only good decision to make when buying an engagement or wedding ring is to leave off the diamond. If you don’t, you are not giving a valuable gift to your spouse-to-be, you are giving a large cash donation to the diamond cartels.
Diamonds for wedding and engagement rings are a wholly manufactured tradition, created in the 30s by de Beers and maintained to this day to sell diamonds. Diamonds are kept artificially scarce to keep their price up, and their trade is in the hands of a very few organisations. So if you try to sell a diamond as a private individual, you will only receive back a small fraction of what you paid for it originally, even if you have documentation attesting its origin and quality.
So I’m very disappointed in this article. Frankly, it reads like ad copy: We are told how romantic a ring is, how much your fiance is admired for her ring. Then we are told that a ring is expensive, and that you should spend two months’ salary on it – as a “rule”. Whose rule? Not the rule of any sane person. It was made up out of whole cloth by – de Beers.
See:
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/1982/02/have-you-ever-tried-to-sell-a-diamond/4575/1/
http://www.edwardjayepstein.com/diamond/prologue.htm
I think I agree with this.
Anne Kingston’s book, “The Meaning of Wife” has a long discussion of this.
The most meaningful thing to me: a commitment and interest in sharing in childcare/parenting/unpaid domestic work 50% and to treat my job as as important as his. Given that, I would not expect him to have more money than me and to be spending more on the engagement and/or wedding (or me either, on a wedding dress, etc.)
That’s not to say that rings other than diamonds are not worth using to commemorate the wedding, but save your cash for childcare or leave/reduced time work you may need to do being a dad.
Having never given nor having never recieved an engagement ring despite my being in a loving and monogamous relatioship for over thirty years, I think I bring a different perspective to this discussion.
Much like Feckless and David, I too had and in some ways still have a social, political and moral compass that steers me away from buying into the whole “Diamonds are Forever” marketing mantra.
Being a feminist in the 1970′s I wasn’t even sure that a wanted to be wedded or even wear a simple wedding band with all the socio-anthropological trappings that went with it. With all that said, let me clearly state, that now, some thirty years later, I wish that I had an engagement ring, a tangible momento, that would enwrap my finger as tightly as the hopeful exuberance and joyful passion that enwrapped my heart when I fully engaged another person with whom I knew I wanted to share the rest of my life. Engagement rings are meant to be practical or logical or cost-effective, they are meant to be foolish, illogical, extragavant just as the thought is that you can commit to someone who is willing to commit to you using a bond of love as fragile as a gossamer thread and despite knowing that with time both of you will change for better and worse. An engagement ring is a reminder of those glory days, the days early in your commited relationship when you were really engaged in about the one that you love, the days that were so infused with reciprocated romance you had no choice but to surrender to a love promised and pledged. So celebrate being in love, buy a ring, give a ring, wear a ring, forsake practicality this one time. Believe me, life won’t give you a much more legitimate excuse to be indulgent, unless you have grandchildren.
Dear Anne: I said nothing about not getting an engagement ring. If you want to get married, and it makes you happy, do by all means get a ring. But leave the diamond – and the large cash gift to a diamond cartel – off.
You assume that I am taking my stance out of a cold-hearted practicality. I happen to be young and very much in love, and the idea of an engagement ring fills both me and my partner with complete revulsion.
David,
I think it’s pretty clear an engagement ring is not for you, which, as I said to Feckless a while back, is perfectly fine. That being said, lots of people do want engagement rings, people who are as genuinely in love as you and your partner. As Anne suggests, there’s something really nice about having something beautiful and tangible on your finger that represents something beautiful and intangible in your life.
Your argument about diamonds and cartels and de Beers has foundation, and it’s not news to me or most others at this point. However, it’s like roses on Valentine’s Day. You can say, Everyone knows that florists charge five times the price on this one day, we’re just a captive audience, it’s ridiculous as is everyone who buys into it. Or you can say, you know what, red roses are really nice on Valentine’s Day, and I’m going to get them anyway. There’s no reason you have to do the latter, but many people will, there’s a reason why, and there’s nothing wrong with it. Generally once you do it, you don’t think about the jacked up prices, you think about the sentiment the roses carry. (For the record, I don’t always buy roses on Valentine’s Day, and Ali’s not the kind of girl who’s pissed if I don’t. Quite the opposite. However, I think it’s an instructive way to think about the whole engagement ring process. Culturally this is the symbol that we’ve arrived at, and yes we’re captive to it, but once you get one, which I know you won’t, but believe me, there’s something really really special about it, and it has absolutely nothing to do with other people’s admiration, a word I never used in the article.)
In my article I do mention wholesale marketplaces where, by going directly to the source, you can cut the price of an engagement ring in half. I don’t know exactly how much diamond prices are inflated, perhaps you do, but I would hazard a guess that this brings them down closer to their un-inflated value. Finally, there are alternatives to diamonds. As I said, I got a sapphire for Ali. That’s just one option among many.
I wish you would add a point about conflict diamonds. You can buy non-conflict diamonds, and diamonds that are not mined by children and slaves. buying a diamond is fine, but make sure you have a guarantee of where it was mined. Or buy Canadian diamonds. If a jeweler cannot trace the exact diamond you are purchasing to the source of its mine, it is a blood-stone.
But mostly, don’t marry a woman who is more concerned with a pretty ring than with how many people died so that she could impress strangers with her ‘big rock’.
Hope,
I posted a few links in a comment above about conflict-free stones. The Clarity Project is one good site for people who want a diamond but also want assurance that it’s been responsibly sourced.
http://www.the-clarity-project.com/fairdiamonds.html
I agree that this is an important issue and one that should have been mentioned in the body of the story.
Don’t go to a jewelry store, good god, they’ll take you to the cleaners. I got a diamond from Blue Nile I would never have been able to afford, and got a setting online from a jeweler half a country away. Do your homework, know about diamonds–inclusions, cuts, color, etc. I spent 3 days glued to my computer educating myself, and the first time I went to a jeweler it was clear I knew more and was getting hustled. Teh second time I walked out when he went to the back room to show me more choice slections. That’s my advice. Spend the time–it’s worth it. You’ll have to hear her complain or compliment that ring for a lifetime, using it as a metaphor for your relationship (you spend more time watching sports than you did finding a ring). Aha, not so, dear! And btw, I can look at my wife’s diamond under magnification and tell you if it’s her diamond or not based on specific inclusions. Isn’t that love?