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“Hey, wait a moment,” he said to her as he shut his laptop and stood up from the kitchen table. “What’s going on? I’m late for work” she thought as he walked toward her. To her surprise, he gently pushed her against the wall, right where the kid’s coats hung. He held her there with an intense stare. She remembered how her purse fell from her hand as he softly sucked her lips, his fingers in her hair. “See you tonight,” he said, leaving her against the wall. And remembering this she smiled and looked at her watch as she felt the warm expression of her love against the conference room chair.
The next time you leave her, just before one of you walks out the door or gets out of the car, do this.
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It can be a bit overwhelming — all the articles, the video blogs, the books, the seminars, all telling you how find, grow or keep your relationship. Find your highest purpose in life. Choose her every day. Love yourself first. Find your own truth first. There’s so much advice out there, and yes, it is good advice and it will help you. And yes, you should read these books. You should seek, both inside and outside, if what you hope to create is a happy and fulfilling relationship.
But where do you start when there’s so much to choose from?
The answer is, with one first step. And here it is …
The next time you leave her, just before one of you walks out the door or gets out of the car, do this. It’s the one thing that every man in a relationship must do. Do it and she will be distracted with thoughts of you — distracted until the next time she sees you.
Kiss her.
No I don’t mean kiss her the way you always kiss her. Not the way two people kiss after they’ve been together for a long time, quickly on the mouth or cheek, as a routine or an emotionless ritual. Not the way you kiss when you’re in a hurry to get out the door. Never over the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in your hand, and not the way you kiss in front of the kids.
I mean kiss her as if nothing else exists in the world. Like it’s the first time and the last. Kiss her with your eyes, and your hands, and your chest, your pelvis and your mouth. Kiss her at the same time with fierceness and softness. But mostly, kiss her with your consciousness.
You see, it’s not your lips that will move her. It’s your presence. It’s that you have turned everything on, all of your senses and your awareness, and you are focused entirely on her. Even if it’s just for a moment. When a woman says to her girlfriends, “He’s a great kisser,” what she means (whether she knows it or not) is that he was fully present — that, in his arms, she felt that she was the most important person in the world.
Ultimately, for your relationship to flourish, you need to become fully present whenever you’re with her. But learning that may take time. And yes, you need to read those books. Think about hiring a relationship coach. But kissing her, every day with your fullest attention — that is your first step, and by doing that you can make an immediate and positive change in your relationship.
When you do it every day, it will become habit. Not habit in the way that you say, “love ya,” as you rush out the door. I mean habit in the way that it becomes instinctive.
So how do I kiss her like that? You ask.
First, stop what you’re doing. Hang up the phone and put it away. Shut the MacBook. If something’s in your hand, a briefcase, a cup of coffee, then put it down. If you’re in the car, turn off the engine.
Next, take a slow deep breath and clear your mind of everything except her (the breath will help with this). Look at her. Notice her scent. Notice the curve of her lip, a fleck of color in her eye. Notice something that you love about her. Something unique.
Now let your body and your heart fill with love. Let it fill with lust.
It doesn’t matter where you kiss her: On her mouth, on her neck, on each of her fingers, or on her wrist.
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Filling your heart may be an abstract concept. If it is, then try this: Breathe deep and slow as you relax the core of your body. Remember how you felt when you kissed her for the first time, or think about the last time you had sex with her. Remember how you felt when she was away and you were missing her. Now visualize that feeling as energy filling your body. Visualize the energy filling your heart.
Now … kiss her.
It doesn’t matter where you kiss her: On her mouth, on her neck, on each of her fingers, or on her wrist. It doesn’t matter if it’s firm or soft, wet or dry. What matters is that you kiss her with your full attention. Your total, complete, presence. This is what I mean when I write, “kiss her with your consciousness.”
And when you kiss her, do it with more than your lips. Kiss her with your body. Run your hands through her hair or hold her shoulders. Interlace your fingers with hers. If there’s a wall, gently push her against it and press your hips into her hips. If she’s in a chair, come up behind her and kiss the back of her neck. Get creative.
That love and lust energy that you felt in your heart, visualize it flowing into her. Trust me, she will feel it.
After you kiss her, you don’t need to say anything. You’ve already said it.
Now here’s the important part: You have to do it again tomorrow. And the next day. In fact, kiss her every day. Forever. If you’re only dating, then kiss her every time you leave her. Do it right before you go your separate ways, as she’s leaving for work or just before you walk out the door. If you’re arguing, then you really need to kiss her. Do this and you will leave her wet, literally and figuratively. She will carry your presence inside her. It will distract her. It will make her smile. Imagine your relationship if she felt this way every day.
Routine is the slow death of passion. As we multitask our jobs, bills, and the kids, fly-by affection is quick and easy. And although there is a place for the quick peck on the cheek, you cannot let it replace the slow, soft kiss that shows her nothing else in the world is worth interrupting your current attention on her.
The reason why sex on the kitchen floor or the back patio is so great is not because the hard ceramic tiles are easy on the knees, it is because in fully-present-sex, you don’t care where you’re fucking and by not caring you are saying that having sex with her is more important than anything else in the world. You need to bring the same attitude to your kiss, and ultimately to your relationship.
This is your first step. It’s something that you can remember to do every time you part ways. In time, you will learn to be fully present whenever she is by your side. It’s what she deserves. It’s the one thing that every man in a relationship must do.
Now go kiss her. Kiss her with your consciousness.
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Stock photo ID:973162506
Unbelievable advice. I have been in a relationship with the luv of my life for 10 years. My soulmate. This is exactly what I needed to know. How simple but full of being creative in showing the one you luv in 60 seconds how much they mean to you. I will surely do this. Thank you so much for the advice.
Respectfully Angelo
Just reading this made my heart beat a little faster with pleasure. Love your advice for a deeply intentional, present, kiss, Derek. It would certainly work for me.
I think a lot of women feel that way (a lot of partners too). Presence, which is usually there when we start out, often fades as we juggle the demands of life. And over time, women in relationships find that they are aching for this, and women out of relationships find that they are seeking this. We, usually the masculine half of the relationship, need to work at it. Every day. And the fully-present-kiss, every day, is a good place to start. Thanks for your comment Erin.
Umm… I think there’s a right way and a wrong way to take this article. Wrong way: A spontaneous, passionate kiss goodbye is THE cure-all for a relationship rut. That’s wrong because not every woman is not the same. My wife, for example, would not be into it at all. Also, even spontaneous actions become routine after the first few times. Right way: A spontaneous, passionate ____________ goodbye is one solution for a relationship rut. That’s right because it sends the message that she has your attention even she’s not around. My wife would love that one. It also puts… Read more »
Good points Jason. My point is really to give the gift of total presence to your partner, and to do it every day. I suggest that can be through a fully-present-kiss, but you’re right in that a kiss won’t work for everyone. It could be as simple as talking – but with full attention and without distraction. Fully committed to being in, “the Now” with her. Thanks for adding to the article.
Total presence is a gift, indeed. The prevalence of modern distractions makes it even more precious. It’s something I try to improve on daily with my wife and kids. I’m learning to give myself to the ones who want me rather than the things (and people) who really couldn’t care less. It brings to mind a spectacular failure on my part. While my youngest son was being born (as in, during labor) and I was by my wife’s side helping her push, my eye briefly caught the Dukes of Hazzard on the TV in the background. It took a few… Read more »
We are biologically programmed to notice and react to objects moving in the periphery of our vision. It is a part of our survival instinct. Which just begs the question, “Who the h@ll put the TV there in the first place?”.
🙂
I agree, but just pointing out that it’s not really compatible with that whole affirmative consent better ask her permission at least twice thing to make sure she’s really consenting oppressive outrage of the month thing.
We always have to be aware of the need for consent. But giving someone your complete undistracted attention (and this can come in many forms) does not require consent. It doesn’t have to be a kiss. Thanks for the comment.
As a woman, I have to say that you are so right- on all the levels you discussed. There is nothing better than a kiss given in full presence.
Thank you Diane.
True true true! But sometimes is not that great as it seams to be. There will always be cheaters. Unfortunately. Who has been cheated, if you ask me the best way to get over it is to cheat back, or forgive.
My advice doesn’t really address infidelity, that is, operating outside the agreed upon boundaries, either sexually or emotionally (at least that’s my definition). But I would say, if you’re together, then as the masculine partner, you need to kiss her, regardless of what other issues you’re working through. It will only make the situation better.
As a woman, reading this got my heart pumping, in a warm, glowing, heart-filling way. Yes, there is the sexy factor, but I also felt the presence of passion you were referring to. I’d love to hear your thoughts on what women can do to meet her man in the middle. I believe partnership is the key and two people dance in a relationship.
Dance is a good way to put it. There’s a masculine and a feminine role to play, which, by the way, isn’t gender specific. So I think there’s two ways a woman (or man) can meet halfway: In any passionate relationship the roles switch back and forth. You, as a woman, can be the masculine energy and initiate the kiss. As someone in the feminine role, your half of the dance is to be open, receptive and ultimately surrender to his energy. In no way do I mean subservient, in the article I imagine she’s a CEO (powerful woman). What… Read more »
Here’s a good place to start: 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
…and then she’ll bite your lip and snap at you “All you ever think about is sex”
A little biting never hurts. Ok, it hurts a little, but that’s the point. Enjoy. And maybe bite back.
Yeah well, the biting wasn’t really the issue.
If one of you is on your way out the door then she knows you are not expecting sex. As a woman, I love it when my man is passionate when we both know that sex is not going to happen right then. If you’re only passionate or show her that attention when you are trying to “get some” then you’re likely right about her response and she likely has good reason for feeling that way.
That’s a great point Michelle.
I am not arguing that, Michelle, even if you are sidestepping the point. Going out the door or coming back home, the response didn’t really change. “As a woman, I love it when my man is passionate when we both know that sex is not going to happen right then.” As a man, knowing that my woman is only passionate when be both know that sex is not going to happen (i.e. always when going out the door, but never when coming back in) gets old rather fast. The same can be said about using fake passion just to get… Read more »
Side note: Why are women mostly by default excused by having good reasons for whatever they do?
What constitutes a “good reason” for a woman?
And what is the insinuated implication of men acting without good reasons?
Maybe…If the only time you engage her is when you’ve got something more on your mind. Be attentive in mind as well as body when you aren’t pushing for sex, establish intimacy outside of it, then you might get more warmth in her response.
I concur! great article Derek! Keep writing!
Thanks!
Fantastic article. Well written. Simple but profound. Sharing one’s heart energy is the key. It’s easy for most men to get (and stay) disconnected from their hearts resulting in the kiss becoming a mechanical expression.
Thanks Larry.
I totally agree, and I would loooooooove to be kissed like that by my husband before work, or for him to come to my job and kiss me like that and leave. Sooooooo movie like. I love it! 🙂
Maybe you should send him this article Jayla? Print it and leave somewhere he will find it?
Good luck. 🙂