Shawn Maxam explains why when it comes to sex the journey matters more than the destination.
Sex can still be great, even without an orgasm.
-Charlotte York (Sex and the City)
I am always perplexed when people say sex is overrated. I think the act of love-making is integral to a healthy and happy intimate relationship for many people. I think it isn’t sex that is overrated but rather that our expectations are unbelievably high. We often describe sex with superlatives both negative and positive. a few of these include the words incredible, magical, breathtaking or terrible, horrible and overrated.
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There’s a mental dance that accompanies the expectation of having an orgasm that is exhausting.
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We are taught by films, television and pornography that sex is finished when a man is satisfied and has had an orgasm. Men and women internalize this and it creates unrealistic physical and psychological expectations. If a man doesn’t have an orgasm then did he not enjoy the sex? If sex is complete once a man orgasms should we even be concerned about the woman’s fulfillment? There’s a mental dance that accompanies the expectation of having an orgasm that is exhausting. It prevents mates, partners and spouses from engaging in something that can be physically freeing and primal but also emotionally uplifting. We avoid sex because we think we don’t have the energy or time or motivation to bring our partner to orgasm. We miss the beauty of the whole forest because we only expect to see one tree.
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If we approach sex free of objectives there’s less pressure. Neither party has to have an orgasm. Climaxing isn’t a steadfast rule we have to follow. My rule of thumb is - it is better to start the journey and enjoy where you end up instead of worrying about the specifics of your arrival which prevents any exploration from ever really happening. I believe not focusing on the orgasm makes us better lovers and therefore better partners as well.
Disclaimer: This is all based on heteronormative relationships of course.
Please share this with friends, enemies and temporary allies alike.
Thanks for reading, sharing and commenting!
R.I.P. SKH
Flickr image via big-ashb
About S. Maxam
Nope, they are not. They are called orgasms for a reason!
I like the journey but NOTHING compares to a good orgasm.
“I like the journey but NOTHING compares to a good orgasm.”
vs.
“I think it isn’t sex that is overrated but rather that our expectations are unbelievably high”
So which is it? Those are two completely irreducible viewpoints. It hurts my brain.
In my youth, when both were more frequent, I had reason to explain several young ladies; not every ejaculation is an orgasm. I can’t stand a smug lover who believes that her learning curve ended years ago studying with some guy she no longer sees.
I can’t agree that orgasms are overrated. I may get a ton of blowback for this one, but in my experience, the people who think orgasms are overrated can’t reliably have good ones during sex or masturbation. If the cuddling afterward is the best part, I think there’s a slight chance you’re doing it wrong.
I think that the fundamental question of whether or not an orgasm is overrated is relative to it’s value in life in general as opposed to how it compares to other sexual activities such as post-coital cuddling.
I am going to go out on a limb and say either everyone missed the point of my post or I didn’t communicate my point effectively.
I think the headline might have something to do with it (not that i can think of anything snappier). My personal takeaway from your piece is not that orgasms are truly over-rated relative to the other great things about sex but instead that we should basically dispense with a mind-set that seeks to compartmentalize and differentiate between all those wonderful things in the first place. In other words, we should adopt a view of sex as an intricate whole instead of something goal-driven and reducible to only its most intense moments of sensation. Ironically perhaps, that’s the mindset which is going to make for the greatest orgasms.
Wow Chuck you said it much better than I did
I think that sums it up perfectly.
The title pissed me off, but what you wrote made sense to me. I clicked on the link wondering, “What jackass would say a thing like that?” but by the end, I agree. I can tell when my wife’s trying to have fun and when she wants me to “hurry up and come.” Guess which attitude I enjoy more and is more likely to lead to an orgasm?
I don’t lose sleep over hers, just try to be giving and have fun. If she needs to lend herself a hand, it doesn’t throw me. Likewise, a lot of good sex ends up with me finishing myself off just because that’s what’s going to work tonight.
I don’t think it’s that sex has to be “free of objectives” just that if your objective is to manage something you don’t ultimately control–your partner’s internal state–you’re setting yourself up to fail once in a while. If the objective is to get turned on, feel good, have an orgasm yourself, and have fun making your partner feel good–that works for me.
‘I get it’ might be the best name ever.
I think what you say right here
That is pretty insightful and I agree with the sentiment totally.
I get it. The title did a disservice to the article, but it was catchy enough to get my attention…so…
But, if something isn’t goal-driven, how can I tell who’s winning? …. ; – )
Next thing you know, you’ll be telling me not everything is a competition.
“If we approach sex free of objectives there’s less pressure. Neither party has to have an orgasm.”
Ok, I agree with this – in theory.
In practice, me (and most men I know about) tend to have an orgasm during sex, and usually do not feel good without it.
I know there are exceptions, but orgasms usually come easy to us men – be it through intercourse or masturbation. And, usually, they are a climax, the most intense moment. Of course what comes before is as much important… but the orgasm is more than just the “icing on the cake”; is a good chunk of the cake itself.
So… this insistence about not overrating orgasms, sounds like some feminist thing (because orgasms are – on average – harder for women).
I agree with the “not focusing on the orgasm makes us better lovers”…
but assuming that orgasms are kind of… “optional”… sounds like a disservice to most men.
Orgasms are one more thing where most men and women ARE different. And pretending they don’t (in the name of gender parity) is denial and disfunctional, not progressive.