Cameron Conaway wonders if our laziness has turned sex into just another checklist item.
Let’s cut the crap. Much of the conversation around men and porn is based on the absolute rarity—the guy who actually watches an hour’s worth of storyline, who actually watches it as film or acting or anything else other than the two-minute means to an end that it is.
Much of the conversation is through the rose-colored glasses of academia and then through the lens of liberalism. (I’m as liberal as they come. President Obama is a conservative in my book.) I decided, after weeks of reluctance, to join* the conversation. Especially when my research showed me that a porn site was listed just under FoxNews.com in the global traffic rankings.
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According to actual men (and Alexa.com), men use porn to do the deed as quickly as possible, so they can then do other shit. Some estimates say they log on to porn sites for 30 seconds, choose a video, watch for 60 seconds, get off, then log off. When biologically-driven urges arise, they visit a website, pull their draws down, spend a few seconds searching for which video will work the fastest, then spend a minute or so masturbating, then another cleaning up, then they get back to work on their accounting flow chart or preparing for their interview.
Tom Matlack’s “A Dozen Questions for Men” article got me thinking on many issues, one of which: Are men supposed to be monogamous? As a deeply-committed man, my gut said yes, but my rational said side Hell no. Men think of sex nonstop, and because these roots are biological, it’s not always thoughts about our loved ones. That said, men aren’t biologically helpless. They can work to rewire their brain to make those thoughts happen less often, and of course their actions are what matter most. This led to a re-reading of Jennifer Evans’ “It Shouldn’t be a Dirty Little Secret” post and then again to Hugo Schwyzer’s posts, in particular” On Being, Being Discreet, and Insanity.”
Then I researched some of the top porn sites and realized it doesn’t take a studied poet to see how the bits of language used as titles are meant to fuel the traditional view of “manliness,” you know, that men are dominant beasts and women are helpless little things that either beg to be dominated or are helpless against being dominated. The majority of the videos (including those with the highest views) often featured words and phrases like: loses virginity, forced, handcuffed, tied, drunk, hidden, private, smashed, banged, begs, tricked, petite, gagging, crying, super-tight, first-time, brutalized… and this doesn’t include the many depictions (passive, physically frail, easy, begging, needy, ever-craving) or the outright descriptions (slut, bitch, whore, bad, naughty, cheating, etc.) which, of course, justify a man (or several men) to dominate them physically and sexually. In many videos, the man couples physical abuse with verbal abuse by belittling the woman.
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Porn is for wimps because porn (and I mean the porn that most men use) is the passive and imagination-cutting easy way out. Are we so used to quick fixes, be it with food or beliefs—not only because they are easy, but because they are forced on us by advertisements, groups and culture—that our sexuality has become a thing to do on a checklist? Have we entered an age so fast-paced that even romance takes too damn long? Couple this with the fact that porn is often hidden from significant others, and we only increase its level of wimpiness.
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Will the day arrive when we can ejaculate with the push of a button? Will the day arrive when actually using our imagination to masturbate, or controlling our imagination not simply to replay the videos of violent porn we watched, will be considered work?
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Whereas Evans says, “the as-yet-unproven assumption that the outcome of viewing porn can only be dangerous, violent, and bad,” I respond with, “We know jokes to be funny, and we know crimes to be bad without scientific proof. Sometimes science tells us what we already know.” Men know that repeated exposure to these unrealistic fantasies can make sexual relations with their partner boring, the educated know that repeated exposure to anything really, but particularly here regarding porn, can, as Hugo said, “perhaps… rewire the brain.” We know this is true before science explicitly tells us.
Then Hugo said, “In our sexual lives as in every other area, we all have to do the delicate dance of staying true to ourselves while honoring the needs, desires, and boundaries of the people we love,” and I thought how difficult it must be to even have the will to do a delicate dance when fantasy fulfillment is a click away. When you’re hungry after a long day, it can be awfully tough to fight temptation and walk past 100 stands of your favorite splurge foods just to get home to cook something. Porn isn’t just about the fulfilling of fantasies, it’s also about the creating of new, often unrealistic, often disturbing fantasies.
Will the day arrive when we can ejaculate with the push of a button? Will the day arrive when actually using our imagination to masturbate, or controlling our imagination not simply to replay the videos of violent porn we watched, will be considered work? Will the day arrive when we are too damn lazy to actually engage in an act of sex? Many bookstores have cut literary sections and replaced them entirely with vampire thrillers. Pixar’s WALL-E doesn’t seem too far off.
There’s nothing wrong with sex or with videotaped sex or with porn in general. But nothing is perfect, and to deny that problems do exist, to deny looking at something for what it is, to deny that the high levels of continual misrepresentation and devaluation of human relationships (sexual and beyond) in our culture is dangerous, and to deny that porn is a part of this picture, is to be either absolutely naive or an absolute wimp. To be a man means not just to control our actions, but to develop the craft to control the thoughts that may alter or lead to actions. A loyal and faithful and committed man, in this writer’s long pent-up and finally expressed opinion, is not one who needs porn to fulfill desires masked as needs, let alone desires he may not even have had if porn weren’t available in the first place.
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Other unexpectedly wimpy things:
(1) Starting each day with a big bowl of Wheaties. There’s more to the breakfast of an actual champion than processed whole wheat, sugar, preservatives and a cheap vitamin powder. Getting a good protein source and some healthy fats along with your carbs can go a long way to regulating hormone levels, balancing blood sugar levels, and jump-starting your mind and body.
(2) Living based on religious texts rather than your own thoughts. Even some seemingly peaceful Buddhists watch cripples drag their legless torsos across the street without helping them. Their reason is karma, that this person was bad in a previous life. Heaven could exist or not exist, it could be a place caterpillars sing and two-legged sharks serve h’orderves for all we know. Let’s admit it and move on.
Additional reading: Click here for some interesting statistics about porn.
*I’ve taken some heat over the years as a writer who always plays the middle road and doesn’t take a stand. While that heat did not spark this article, it did lead to this reflection: Not all opinions are equally valid. Sometimes the middle road, especially for critical thinkers, is for those unwilling to take a stand when taking a stand is what is right. I recently spoke with famed Canadian playwright Brad Fraser. He told me experiences he’d been in that could have and should have caused his death. Then he said, “So I decided decades ago not to waste any time or opportunities and to always say what I actually thought because many involved in similar situations didn’t get that chance.” He said in many ways it’s been the greatest gift of his life.
—Photo Pal Berge/Flickr
About Cameron Conaway
A most interesting discussion. Thank you all for that.
Cheers!
so masturbating to your imagination rather than porn makes you “strong”?
That seems to be the implication.
It shouldn’t be about using your imagination either. Porn on a screen or Porn in your mind is generally the same thing. Rather, healthy masturbation where you simply enjoy the sensation will better prepare you to fully enjoy your time with a woman.
I was one of those guys who fit the mold of what the author illustrated. 30-60 seconds finding the right clip.. then a few minutes.. finish and off to whatever I was doing next. Then when I got into a relationship, I ultimately was just all about get off and get done.. Which ultimately turned into me solely concentrating on her pleasure (oral), when a few minutes of actual penetrative sex. Because I couldn’t maintain and share, in the moment, the pleasure that we both felt at the exact same time, sex further separated us as we were drifting apart in other areas of our relationship rather than bringing us together.
Learning how to extend the pleasure you feel can’t be done using a fantasy or trying to be as efficient as possible in getting off. Porn reinforces the “just get it done”. Healthy masturbation where you relax and cultivate your ability to feel pleasure will ultimately allow you to better connect with the woman in your life.
Porn is a chore for some, and for others it’s a quick fix. Let’s face it: not all men are the same. We look at the feminist movement and see, rightfully so, that not all women are the same, but men… Oh, we all suck at housework, think about sex non-stop, and worry about our favorite sports teams… Except, we don’t. My fiancee is a porn actress, not a famous one mind you, but that illusion is for another article, but porn for me ends up being about marketing and research. We watch together mostly, for hours at a time, and while it isn’t academic per se, it also isn’t all just about getting off. If she is working with someone new, especially a new director (because they control the scene) we watch as much as we can before getting riled up enough to screw each other’s brains out. I like to think that, minus the reseasrch part, we aren’t too unlike other couples who watch porn together. Having seen her fan mail, and hearing about her conversations at conventions, I know we aren’t. Porn, for some of us, is about finding that scene that will get both people turned on. See, we often forget that our brains are our biggest sex organs, and that fantasy is healthy. Sure, some people use it as a quick way to get off. Others click, look, and run away before they can do anything for fear of getting caught. We can’t know what these 2-minute surfers are really doing, so assuming that they all get off in that time is as foolish as assuming all guys are the same.
@CameronConaway
So if watching porn makes men “wimpy” wouldn’t watching MMA make men just as “wimpy.” In a way it gives men and it’s audience as much of a violent rush as porn does a sexual rush. MMA’s hardened bodies that are ready to do battle are even more unrealistic than porn (most fighters have dieted, dehydrated and trained their bodies so they have dropped weight before the fight). Their is the dehumanizing language (i.e.: “being p’owned”) in mma. Finally it is as readily available as porn… So admit it watching MMA/UFC is as ‘wimpy’ as watching porn. Just make sure to tell the editors at Sherdog!
SnakeEyez – I don’t see your point at all. I’ve trained for over 17 years and at 49 am in great or better shape than ever. I am involved in MMA training and teaching for over 12 hours a week. Those that do the watching MMA with no knowledge of what is going on are probably looking for the violent knock out… that rush you mention. Masterbating to this seems quite a stretch…. Pulling up porn to get a quick nut and then move along has no rational comparison to MMA/UFC events…. unless of coarse the person pulls up the fight to get a quick nut and then move along….. Don’t see it…….
Watching MMA/UFC is however more wimpy than training or getting in best shape and seeking best health…. As wimpy or lazy as a quick porn look to masterbate to.. I think not…. Sherdog editors would find your supposed point as quite funny.
Erin – “Women sit back and masturbate while reading a romance novel? I am not fully convinced on that.”
Indeed they do. At least many have said that they do. They use the mental images and scenarios from those novels. They aren’t all the classic Fabio novels. As women get older the may move onto more realistic ones. My point is that they create masturbatory fodder. Moreover, they also use their battery operated, chargeable or even plug-in virtual lover that no man can compete with. We don’t vibrate and don’t have 16 settings.
“Further, you can’t go wrong with comparing sex toys to sex toys right?” Except that men hardly use them. Would it be fair, then, for both men and women should give up the use of sex toys?
The commonality between women’s use of sex toys and men’s use of porn is is using someone or something other than one’s mate for sexual pleasure and release. To that end, women using sex toys and men using porn have the same effect. Except that feminists (and other women) seldom if ever object to women’s use of sex toys because they are the ones getting off by themselves.
Ummmm…Eric, I just want to clarify that there are different types of feminists. I am a feminist, a sex-positive one. I have zero problem with porn or sex toys.
Eric – I am not fully convinced on women masturbating to romance novels but I’m not saying it’s impossible. In my experience most women that read romance novels just enjoy the actual romance in it and aren’t getting sexually off to it. I’d love to see a poll on that one.
Again, I think a more fair comparison is comparing male sex toys (fake vaginas or blow up dolls) to female sex toys and masturbation material to masturbation material. Sex toys don’t support social and sexual themes between women like masturbation material might. THat is if we really get deep into the comparison.
The comparison is very apt because:
1) Women use sex toys as a means to be touched by a virtual someone other than their partner. Men hardly ever do that. Almost no men would even care if such things were banned.
2) Just like many women feel about competing with porn, mo man compete by vibrating and having 16 different settings. No matter how skilled he thinks he is, he can’t do what a multifunction sex toy can. And, he only has one penis. It’s always the same size. He can’t compete with a toy that’s bigger, if she enjoys that.
3) Regarding social themes, sex toys are sometimes made in the shape of a real porn actor’s penis. Other times they are ethnically colored, named, and marketed so that she can imagine she’s with a black man, for example.
4) In both cases, a married or partnered person uses something other than their mate to arouse them sexually and climax.
It’s hypocritical for a woman who uses a sex toy on her own to objects to her partner using porn on his own. For the individual, they accomplish the same thing, except men don’t always masturbate to porn as women do in using vibrators and such. But, I won’t hold my breath waiting for anti-porn feminists to object to any sexual vices women have.
Sex toy is to sex toy as masturbation material is to masturbation matirial Eric.
While both sex toys and masturbation can be under the broad idea of “tools used to reach orgasm”, you do not encounter relational issues and sexual portrayls between the genders with a dildo or a fake vagina that you do with material that portrays interactions between the genders in highly sexual situations. Ignorning that is dishonest.
So if you want to compare a sex toy to a sex toy, please do. If you don’t think it’s fair for a woman to have a sex toy, then it’s unfair for a man to have one. Both genders have these “tools” availble to them. And if you want to compare masturbation material to masturabation material, please do. If you don’t think it’s fair for a woman to have masturbation material, then it’s unfair for men to have it too. But don’t act like toys used to reach orgasm hold the same social themes and depictions that modern porn movies or magazines do.
Women do not use sex toys “as a means to be touched by a virtual someone other than their partner”. “Virtual” actually means something that is not physically existing but is made by software to appear as it is”. So “virtual” can’t even apply to porn movies anymore then it can to sex toys because the people in porn really do exsist.
You are probably right that most men wouldn’t care of sex toys for men were banned. But they would certainly care if porn was. Men aren’t thinking about “virtual” partners, they are indulging in real women, with real complete full bodies, not just vaginas with nothing attached.
I do have a question for you concerning number 2. What if his woman was looking at young, hard bodied men with giant penis and even bigger paychecks then what her own man could pull. And instead of using a dildo or vibrator, she likes these images and used them to indulge herself. Would men feel like they couldn’t compete just as you say men feel they can’t compete with a sex toy? Or is the image of a real men who is clearly more successful and sexy then the boyfriend or husband a touch more difficult to deal with since the man is actually a real person. Because I have to tell you, I am less bothered by the idea of a man using a sex toy just to get ride of some pent of energy then I am with men buying into a mass market of media that portrays real women in themes and sexual situations.
As for your number 3, I’m sure men can by a variety of vaginas themselves, some of them black themselves too.
Women use sex toys to get off by themselves, just as men use porn for the same purpose. Bottom line. Except that that is the express purpose of sex toys but not necessarily porn’s purpose.
A dildo is a substitute sex organ, something that far, far more women use than men. They are made to look and feel like the male sex organ but better because of extra electronics. A huge difference is that they “touch” sexually, whereas porn does not. It’s a virtual lover. Porn is pictures or movies. Porn is not always used for masturbation, sex toys are used specifically for that purpose. Ignoring those facts is dishonest.
Men and women have porn available but men use it far more often. Men and women have sex toys but women use those far more often. So, the comparison is apt and fair. You want to allow women to keep their alone, imaginary virtual lover sex play but take away men’s imagination. If your concerns were really based on consistent principles you would have concerns with both not just one.
I am not defending porn but you are defending virtual lovers, which can have some effect except that he “touches” her. Porn can’t do that. Also, I said nothing about social themes, although 12” realistic shaped black vibrating dildos called “mandingo” do have social themes.
“But don’t act like toys used to reach orgasm hold the same social themes and depictions that modern porn movies or magazines do.”
Don’t act like men have virtual lovers who can “touch” them and bring them to orgasm like women use sex toys to do. Sex toys physically bring women to orgasm often through penetration. Penetration. Porn doesn’t/can’t touch anyone.
“Men aren’t thinking about “virtual” partners, they are indulging in real women, with real complete full bodies, not just vaginas with nothing attached.”
So, she can imagine that man you speak of touching her (the rich handsome successful one), feeling him as he penetrates her and brings her to orgasm. Women do the same thing, in their minds, imagining it.
I understand you are bothered and am not defending porn, merely pointing out that women’s use of sex toys is no better. It’s an issue of a partnered person getting off using someone/thing else. Of course women aren’t bothered by sex toys because they use them. It’s the same issue.
I have no idea what men can buy but do know that they seldom if ever do, so it’s irrelevant.
Eric M,
I think you’re missing the point here: Porn’s impact on the mind. Again, it comes down to analogies making sense within the context they are used. Comparing sex toys to porn simply doesn’t, in the way you’re trying for.
~Cameron
Cameron, what is happening in the mind of a woman who is using a 10″ realistic vibrating sex toy when her 6″ husband is at work or asleep? Her grocery shopping list? You are and Erin are (perhaps intentionally) missing that point.
Eric,
I see that point and I agree with you 100% on it. But I think you’re using it as a way to counter rather than as the separate point that it is.
~Cameron
Eric – perhaps you could write an article talking about the issues you feel are important regarding sex toys. I would be interested in reading such a piece like that. And then we could have the conversation you are more interested in having.
Erin – Thanks for the suggestion but Cameron has already written the article. Beginning with the paragraph that reads “Porn is for wimps because . . . ” Simply replace “porn” with “sex toys” and you’ve got your article, with very few changes needed. The points that Cameron makes apply to the use of sex toys just as they do to porn.
I’m calling you out on this Eric. Cop out. Most artciles ever written have been written before. Especially when it comes to age old gender or sex issues. What makes the articles interesting is each person’s personal perspective. You can’t steal Cameron’s words and apply them to your personal viewpoint of sex toys. Maybe he would agree with you, maybe he wouldn’t. But it’s unfair to take another’s work and act like it would be the same exact ast yours.
Apparently you feel passionately about the role sex toys play, right? Otherwise, why would you mention it right? If you feel that passionately about it then you should be able to write an article in your own words addressing the issue specific and individual to tools that act like gender body parts. But my guess is you don’t have much to really say about sex toys and you’re really using it, not as a means to approach a serious topic, but to distract from the unique issues that can crop up from video media and downplay those unique issues.
While you think the outcome is the same whether it’s sex toys or masturbation material, even you can’t deny the different social messages and relational messages we receive from video imagery vs. objects. It’s like me saying my blender alone, by it’s use, tells me the same message that the pretty commerical of the colorful Cuisinarts blenders and the happy, healthy, pretty mom’s using them do. They don’t. The feel good Cuisnart commericals send a bigger message then anything my blender could do alone.
I do not think that means that sex toys don’t need to be part of the discussion. Lets talk about them certainly! But to imply they are exactly the same thing as erotic material that sends specific messages about the role a man plays and the role a woman play is disingenuous . And if you can’t write an article specfic to sex toy use, then I can only conclude that you don’t feel nearly as passionate about it as you imply and you’re mearly using it as a means to distract talk about the specific and unique circumstances that involve erotic visual media.
Lets talk about sex toys. I’m open to it. But lets not use it as a reason not to talk about how visual media shapes our culture.
“You can’t steal Cameron’s words and apply them to your personal viewpoint of sex toys.”
Come on, Erin – I own a couple copyrighted terms. Not a single of the words or terms Cameron used are copyrighted, so it’s not possible for me to “steal” them. And although I wouldn’t use the exact same phraseology, the points he made clearly apply to the use of sex toys.
“Maybe he would agree with you, maybe he wouldn’t.”
There’s no maybe about it. He already said he agreed with me about the use of sex toys. Which is perfectly logical because they are largely based on the same objections he raised regarding the use of porn.
“Apparently you feel passionately about the role sex toys play, right? Otherwise, why would you mention it right?”
What I feel passionately about is hypocrisy, double standards. Don’t criticize women for doing something men do all the time. That is a major feminist argument. I don’t agree with all of their positions, but that is one I do agree with. EXCEPT they seldom if ever turn it around, which is hypocritical in itself.
“But my guess is you don’t have much to really say about sex toys and you’re really using it, not as a means to approach a serious topic, but to distract from the unique issues that can crop up from video media and downplay those unique issues.”
Should we count the number of times that I typed that I am not defending porn? Wrong. I am merely saying to not be hypocritical about this. Let’s stop all the misandry and deal with the core issues, not just attack men.
What I would love to hear from you is why you castigate the use of porn but defend a woman using sex toys?
“While you think the outcome is the same whether it’s sex toys or masturbation material, even you can’t deny the different social messages and relational messages we receive from video imagery vs. objects.”
I am not arguing against that. Images can be powerful, which is why sex toys are often made to look like a real penis, except bigger than her partner’s. Moreoever, porn is usually 2D. Sex toys are 3D. You can not only seem them, you can feel them. How would you feel about porn that could be not only seen but also felt? That could bring a man to orgasm faster than any woman ever could? That is what sex toys accomplish but for some reason you refuse to recognize that. That is a double standard. That is hypocritical.
Are sex toys and port EXACTLY the same? No, but most of what Cameron wrote about applies to both of them.
One more thing about the article you propose: it would never be published here or on any other feminist web site because it questions and accuses women not men. That would be considered anti-feminist misogyny here. Would never happen. The same thing done to men is considered pro-feminist and treated as sport.
Eric – Really? Copyrighted? Come on. That comment was purely manipulative. Do you have your own thoughts or not? It’s lazy to use Cameron’s ideas as a backdrop to yours.
I don’t have an issue with you wanting to discuss the role sex toys play with women or in a sexual life. What I do see an issue with is using the position of sex toys to distract from the topic of porn. Both of these issues can be discussed and exsist at the same time. Despite both being tools used to reach sexual gratification, these tools are absorbed and utilized differently.
Guess what? I don’t even own a sex toy. But I sure have experience enough relationships where getting a man to leave his porn behind was like pulling teeth from a cageyTiger.
Further, I never defended a woman using sex toys. I just don’t like using *this* as a reason to not talk about the issue porn plays. And that’s why I suggested you write and article addressing the topic you really want to address. Because going about it this way seems like you don’t want to sincerely address the topic discussed here. You want to distract from it by means of “look over here! Look over here!”. Once you write that article, I will be happy to chime in on it and let you know exactly how I feel about the whole thing.
Further, men have sex toys available to them. Wouldn’t a man’s sexual experience with a sex toy be the same as a woman’s experience with a sex toy? Both mimic the sexual experience in the 3D fashion you talked about yes? If I remember correctly, you mentioned that men probably use sex toys less then women do. Why? Why is it that men use sex toys less but use porn more? Could it be because porn provides a variety of women that his own woman can’t provide? Could it be that the visual medium provides a variety of sexual acts that no one lone sex toy could? Could it be that he is more happy to indulge in 2D images of various women that aren’t his partner then use a fake vagina and pictures himself with his partner in the times she isn’t available?
Write the article you really want to discuss.
Stop distracting from what the topic is here.
And don’t use excuses on why you can’t write such and article. I think your article would be exactly the kind of thought provoking, and different article, Good Man Project would be happy to post.
“Eric – Really? Copyrighted? Come on. That comment was purely manipulative.”
You said I was “stealing” Cameron’s words, as if they were copyrighted.
“Do you have your own thoughts or not?”
Yes. But Cameron and I happen agree on the issue of the use of sex toys.
“I don’t have an issue with you wanting to discuss the role sex toys play with women or in a sexual life. What I do see an issue with is using the position of sex toys to distract from the topic of porn.”
I point out hypocrisy where it exists. It’s too bad that that bothers you. Guess what? I don’t use porn. Wife won’t stand for it. She doesn’t use sex toys. I won’t stand for it. Both for the same reasons.
“Further, I never defended a woman using sex toys. I just don’t like using *this* as a reason to not talk about the issue porn plays.”
I am saying that the issues are largely the same. You disagree. That’s OK.
“Wouldn’t a man’s sexual experience with a sex toy be the same as a woman’s experience with a sex toy?”
No. If that were the case men would use them. Similarly, women and men’s experience with porn tends to be different. Men and women are different. Women tend to be either indifferent or dislike porn, even find it repulsive. Men have the same feelings about sex toy use.
The issues are very similar with men and porn and women and sex toys. Further, the GMP would not/does not publish articles that question/are critical of women in the same way it does men. There would be no use.
Cameron, if the GMP posted 1 article a week, every week on the “evils” of women’s use of sex toys but not a single solitary time even acknowledged the very similar “evils” of men’s porn use, it would no doubt be perceive as completely reasonable and even expected if someone pointed put that inconsistently. Why the difference in the converse?
Some women use sex toys because their mates are so desensitized by pornography that god forbid I can’t get off in three minutes, oh well he is done so you must be done too.