Would we be happier without online pornography?
A few years ago, men from all over the world began arriving in my website’s forum complaining that they were unable to stop using Internet porn. Google had sent them—perhaps because my site shares information about the effects of sex on the brain.
My site, however, is about relationships, not recovery. Yet their obvious distress, and porn’s impact on their relationships, motivated me to welcome them. As I listen, these visitors support each other in the struggle to leave porn behind.
Often they report dramatic changes as porn use recedes: more energy, increased social confidence, better concentration, greater gains from workouts, stronger erections, a return to earlier sexual tastes, increased optimism, and more enjoyment from life’s subtler pleasures.
In short, many men are happier without Internet pornography.
Their experience has shown me that porn’s chief danger isn’t obvious to most users. It arises from intense stimulation of the reward circuitry of the brain—a portion of the ancient “mammalian brain,” which lies under the newer neocortex (rational brain). The reward circuitry governs emotions, mating, eating, motivation, and all addictions. It runs on a neurochemical called dopamine, the “gotta get it!” neurotransmitter.
Novelty-on-demand (slot machines, video games, porn videos) is often so enticing for this primitive part of the brain, that compulsion becomes a risk. Moreover, our brains 
evolved to light up not only for novelty-on-demand, but also for the genetic bonanza of sex with a novel partner.
Therefore, Internet porn, which offers new partners begging for ejaculate at each mouse click, registers as so rewarding that the brain easily rewires itself to focus more and more attention on these perceived opportunities. This can swiftly reorder the user’s priorities.
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Our brain’s reward circuitry evolved foremost to drive us toward sex and food. We seem to be especially vulnerable to superstimulating sexual arousal and junk food. Junk food has helped make 64 percent of Americans overweight (and half of those obese).
And now that free, streaming videos are available privately in endless supply, how many are using porn? (Hint: last year a Montreal professor had to revise his study about the effects of porn. He couldn’t find any male “porn virgins” on a major university campus.)
“The addictiveness of Internet pornography is not a metaphor,” explains psychiatrist Norman Doidge in The Brain That Changes Itself. Porn users are seduced into pornographic training sessions that meet all the conditions required for plastic change of brain maps, namely, rapt attention, reinforcement, and dopamine consolidation of new neural connections.
Some users (such as musician John Mayer) substitute porn for intimate relationships or friendly interaction, learning life skills, and so on. Their reward circuitry no longer perceives the latter as worth the effort. After all, this part of the brain can’t reason. It weighs options according to which release the most dopamine.
Paradoxically, it’s while someone is recovering from intense stimulation that he’s most likely to want more intense stimulation. This primitive mechanism evolved to keep us on task when something especially stimulating (“valuable”) is around. It works by numbing the pleasure response for a time (by weakening the effects of dopamine), so we look around for more.
This, by the way, is why drug addicts need more and more to get the same effects. This device probably worked just fine for spreading genes when receptive, novel mates were scarce. Today, however, the brain mistakes each enticing 2-D hottie as a prime opportunity to pass on genes. A porn user can feel as if his duty is never done.
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Overstimulated men report growing numb to life’s subtler pleasures, such as the charms of real partners. At the same time, they can be hypersensitive to the sexual stimuli their brains associate with “relief.” For many, the pursuit of more stimulating materials becomes mandatory to relieve the misery of feeling as if some key ingredient of their happiness is missing—and it is. Brain changes have temporarily dimmed their capacity for enjoyment.
It is not unusual for men caught in this cycle to feel anxious, socially ill-at-ease, moody, despairing, and apathetic. Until they reboot their brains, life seems meaningless, but for the single-minded pursuit of hotter stimuli. As one man put it:
With the magazines, porn use was a few times a week and I could basically regulate it. ‘Cause it wasn’t really that ‘special’. But when I entered the murky world of Internet porn, my brain had found something it just wanted more and more of…. I was out of control in less than 6 months. Years of mags: no problems. A few months of online porn: hooked.
Often users don’t realize what they’re passing up until they give their brains a chance to return to equilibrium. For some, the lengthy withdrawal required to achieve this can be so agonizing (shakes, insomnia, despair, cravings, splitting headaches) that they feel trapped.
For example, in The Great Internet Porn-Off, 70 percent of contestants could not go without porn for two weeks. Nor can some officials of the Securities and Exchange Commission, it seems.
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A planet where computer literate men run a considerable risk of compulsive porn use won’t be as happy as it could be. People struggling to ease cravings for more and more stimulation generally have little time, sensitivity, or resolve for creativity, good causes, relationships, or nature’s pleasures. Yet the transformation in those who feel better without porn is inspiring. Consider these posts:
I feel again. I feel emotions again. My interest in women is heightened, my confidence is up and gives me motivation again. I’m 28 now and until the last couple of years I felt I had the maturity of a 15 year old. But as I heal and recover from this compulsion, I’ve felt emotions I’ve never had to deal with before. It has helped me grow up.
After a few days I noticed increased energy, increased attention, and higher self-esteem. After a month—although it took several tries to get there—those improvements were all through the roof. A couple of months later, I was having real sex. It is nice to get aroused by little things, like a revealing blouse or just a woman’s flowing, shiny hair and fragrance.
I am more at ease with myself and can look people in the eye, with kindness and a superhuman confidence. I had two women introduce themselves to me yesterday, shake my hand and HOLD IT. Wow. I was so comfortable talking to everyone. I wrote two pages of a script that went in an even deeper direction than I was aiming for. Exercising is through the roof.
I have so much more energy, I’m less moody, I have more enthusiasm and motivation for work, I don’t feel drained all the time, and I feel a deeper sense of connection with everything around me. But the biggest change it has made is in my relationship. My girlfriend and I feel much closer to each other already.
When it comes to sexually explicit materials, our society tends to get lost in debates about free speech, degree of obscenity, sexual repression, and harm to third parties. Maybe we should take a closer look at porn’s power to hijack brains.
About Marnia Robinson
Great article
Thanks. For more on the biological implications of today’s Internet porn phenomenon visit Your Brain On Porn.
This is an important article. When I wrote the book, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions in 1988, Internet porn was not such a big problem and we were just beginning to recognize the effects of addictions, including sexual addictions, on the way the brain functions.
I’ve heard this nonsense before. I didn’t buy it then and I’m certainly not now.
If someone is that addicted to pornography they have deeper issues than just watching porn. But these articles make it seem that men who indulge in online porn on occasion, are nothing short of sexual deviants or pathetic excuses for men who can’t get it up anywhere except in front of the computer screen. But that’s just not true.
I love my wife. There’s no one sexier. But often she isn’t in the mood (right now it’s pregnancy, but she’s also suffered from various other medical conditions). So when I’m getting through a rough patch, I turn to porn. Fairly often. It’s not addictive. It doesn’t take away from my marriage. It’s not evil. And I’m certainly not hurting myself or my wife by watching it. It’s a release. Mindless. Automatic even. And it’s also necessary.
We’re so quick to blame things/people for our problems. Kids aren’t stupid in school anymore, they have ADD or ADHD. Someone with an eating disorder doesn’t have to own up to his/her own problem, they can just blame the media and all those beautiful people in the magazines. And now it’s just not possible for men to be lazy and disinterested in their partners, they are addicted to porn and we can all blame the computer.
I’m tired of it.
@ Daddy Files
If it’s not addicting I wonder how long you could last without it? Ever try that? You might be surprised.
Funny how you say you use porn fairly often yet then turn around and say men who find it difficult separating from porn are “lazy and disinterested in their partners.”
What drew you to this article in the first place? Is unlimited porn good for relationships? There are consequences of all this extreme sexual material available at the click of a mouse.
Nobody said it was evil and it’s not “moralizing” to say that for some, porn can get out of *ahem* hand.
Some people literally rely on it instead of contact with the outside world, or are perfectly “normal” except that they use porn as a means of self medication.
You are such a clueless ass.
Why the focus on men? Women can’t be ‘addicted’ to porn?
Plus I hated interacting with people long before I discovered internet porn.
It’s an issue of imbalance.
I agree that this can be an issue. But I’d hate to see the addictive side of pornography preclude a real erotica, which I believe can be non-sexist, loving, and beautiful if used in moderation, and perhaps even in concert with other people. What should make us a little suspicious is that the anti-porn stuff fits right into the niche created by Victorian sexual repression. This issue is extremely multifaceted: women may rightly resist some pornography because of objectification and even abuse portrayed (notwithstanding that some women and men may desire these images as fetishes). Men may indeed find that they are addicted to compulsively going from page to page in an addictive daze that doesn’t satisfy and precludes other activities. Other people (including women) obtain permission-giving and even instruction of a sort from erotica. If seen in a tantric light, erotica could help highten acts and feelings that are beautiful, even enlightening. I admit that there’s a “ratcheting” effect where rough sex, anal sex, external ejaculations, and so forth (which are fairly common now) more or less mirror addictive use for many, although we should respect the fact that some find some or all of these practices erotic for them.
I totally agree with you, Daddy Files. I love my wife too, she’s the hottest woman I’ve ever seen. She turns me on every day – and yet I occasionally watch porn. It’s not a problem because pornography is fiction in a way. She’s real. I can tell the difference…
This article reminds me of articles in the 50′s, warning the public from the perills of masturbation: the palms grows hairy, the spine deteriorates, intelligence and social abilities vanishes – or to put it in other words: “…they feel anxious, socially ill-at-ease, moody, despairing, and apathetic. Until they reboot their brains, life seems meaningless, but for the single-minded pursuit of hotter stimuli”.
As ONE man put it. Hey, there’s empirical evidence for you…
People who are easily addicted to stimuli has other issues as well. Don’t blame it solely on the stimuli, that’s way to easy.
Thanks for your thoughts, guys. I wish I could agree with you, but for some men, porn definitely is a problem, and the problems appear to be getting worse, and hitting guys younger. Here are some recent posts from my website:
First guy:
Here’s my story… Im only 23, eat healthy, exercise regularly, and not to sound conceited but I look good. I have no problems being social with women but when it comes time for sex i have an inability to obtain/maintain an erection. I also have a low sex drive. I have to pop sex pills about an hour before a “sexual encounter” and you obviously cant predict all encounters which makes this really inconvenient. All this is having a negative effect on my relationships and self-esteem as a man.
I’ve tried everything, I went to the doctor – my T levels are normal, blood pressure is fine – he said it might be psychological which is not the answer I wanted. The only time i have no problem getting an erection is when i look at porn. I’ve been masturbating to porn regularly (4-5x a week at least?) since I was 12 years old and when I stumbled across Marnia’s article (at http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201003/porn-go…) I connected the dots.
I mean it makes sense, I’m so used to watching these porn fantasies that when it comes to REAL sex my little man wont perform. It’s like I conditioned myself to only be aroused by jacking off and watching videos. I also noticed that over the years my erections (even with watching porn) are becoming less rigid and Im starting to become desensitized with “normal” porn and have to view stuff thats more “hardcore”. This is all embarrassing but at the same time it feels good to get it off my chest and know I’m not alone. I am officially DONE with porn, and Marnia I wish I would have read your article a long time ago.
My question is, do you think I’ll be able to fully recover from this? Or will I be permanently “desensitized”? I plan on abstaining from porn/masturbation as long as possible and reporting any results so that it could possible help/encourage others. If any are going through what I’m going through or can offer advice please chime in…
Second guy:
Not being able to get it up is just one of the many problems correlated with porn. I remember I was trying to have sex with this girl just a few months ago and I was very attracted to her. I hadn’t had sex in months before we started our fling yet there she was in the flesh right in front of me and I could only achieve erection if we were doing it the way I liked, the way I had fantasized about with porn. I knew there was a connection to jerking to porn and my performance problems.
Great Article Marnia. To those guys debating. Watching porn does not make you a “bad” person or an addict. Just as my drinking a beer doesn’t make me an alcoholic. And “People who are easily addicted to stimuli has other issues as well” is absolutely correct. The line where pornography viewing becomes a serious problem and an addition, is when the viewing of pornography is being used to numb emotional pain, escape from reality, and in other ways damage daily relationships.
I would have no issue giving up drinking alcohol if it bothered someone I loved. I think many men would have a problem giving up porn if it bothered someone they loved.
I’m not the best person to speak on this subject because of my emotional state towards the topic- I had a horrific ‘marriage’ that delved into the pit of this stuff, ending in lots of psychological counseling – but ENDING. Thank god. I’m pretty sensitive to the abuse/aversion/etc. that *can come* from porn (doesn’t mean it always *does*). For starters, I was awakened at 3am and raped on my wedding night (after willingly having sex before bed). My ex husband would have rather watch a *shadow of me* in some extreme position while having sex, so he could get his mental fantasies up to where they needed to be to get him off. He’d ask me to leave a shirt on during sex because my breasts weren’t large enough to excite him (size B & proud of it). I have on his word that he thought of other women/things he saw in porn most times we had sex. He’d jack off to magazines on his work breaks, even though he had a 5’4″, 113 lb, athletic & curvy wife who’d be home & ready to do it. But he couldn’t get aroused more than once a day, so by the time he’d get home from work, nothing left for Wife.
He’d apologize. Every day. We saw 3 different counselors for the first 7 months of our marriage. He’d promise to change… in a remorseful state one day, he took a 1/2 day off work to clean up our home & make me dinner while I was working… I came home to dinner on the stove & a note from him saying while he was out & about, he’d gotten on a computer & dived into porn world. Again. And that he was sorry, again, for ruining our date night. We would periodically separate, and I’d come home in the middle of the night to find him naked in front of an erotic movie he’d rented.
To justify my end: in 12 months of marriage, I only said, “No, not right now” to him ONCE. A week or two before our divorce was final, we met up for coffee to discuss the division of assets. He told me, “I really am sorry for what I did to you, and there’s even more you don’t know about.” <— I told him no, I don't need to know any more. I don't want to know any. more.
Just because this story doesn't define or explain YOU, doesn't mean porn doesn't have those affects on people. We can compare it to the differences that people experience with alcohol, yes? Some become life-altering addicts, some do not. But like I stated earlier – I could easily walk away from alcohol for someone I loved, but many of you couldn't (we'll say wouldn't) walk away from porn.
What defines an addiction?
Porn: the New Normal: Unlimited Sexual Humiliation and Degradation and it’s Effects on Relationships
(Note: I am a man and I feel this way. Hopefully more men will speak out.)
The free and unlimited online pornography industry has been a large contributor to a sexually jaded (and emotionally damaged) generation of men and women who have never learned how to have a genuine, supportive and *lasting* relationship with the opposite sex. More than that, porn has been described as a form of terrorist propaganda against women, insofar as it depicts men celebrating the sexual dehumanization of women with impunity and educates men and boys to the only thing women are “good for.”
Other people’s mom’s? No problem. They are now “Milf’s.” Married women? All the better to get off to. Depictions of sexual abuse and exploitation of children? Simply another “barely legal” way to rake in huge profits or if you are not a big shot pornographer, a short term cheap thrill or worse a long term addiction. To my friends out there who acknowledge they have a problem with online porn addiction but still want to view porn as just harmless sexual fantasy, try this experiment. Examine your emotional reaction to someone else thinking of (or better) actually performing sex acts that we’ve seen in these videos with *our mom* (or wife or sister or cousin). If a man has no qualms with the sexual dehumanization of his own family member then he has gone further down the path of becoming a pimp or wife beater himself than he may care to admit. Porn is a passive educator but everyone is affected by the lesson it teaches.
Prostitution, paying someone to perform a sexual act, is nominally illegal in most states but pornography – paying someone to perform a sex act *on film* is legal. An awful lot of pockets were greased with pimp cash to make this legal compromise under the supposedly liberal cover of “sexual liberation” or the righteous sounding fight against “censorship.” If the filming (*for PROFIT*) hard core sexual violation of women’s bodily integrity that leave a woman or girl bruised, torn and subjected to abhorrent degradation and humiliation should not be censored, what does that say about the kind of society we live in?
The results of unlimited porn have been disastrous for women in general: witness the increase in demand for painful and sadistic sex acts that include humiliations that very few *men* would consent to. In real life how many men would ever let anyone give *him* a “cumshot?” I suspect very few of the heterosexual wanking public would allow it. Why then should a man expect a woman’s reaction to be any different from our own? In the absence of porn this argument would be completely redundant and unnecessary. How many men in relationships with real women right now have a secret sexual outlet in porn? What are the untold costs to maintaining a healthy relationship that pornography has played a role in? Could it be our own relationships or the relationships of people we are close to could have been radically different if we didn’t live in the 24/7 porn universe?
Porn has also been harmful to men. Evidence for this are the numerous threads started here by men from all over the world who have recounted how many of their early sexual experiences were informed by old fashioned misogyny of porn and then progressed to a life long addiction. Erectile dysfunction, crippling self esteem issues, extreme feelings isolation and feelings of alienation from women are all typical side effects of a regular decades long porn habit. The younger the user is when he or she starts the more impact it will have. These are just a few of the detrimental effects of pornography on men not least of which is numbing effect on our own values. Indeed, we have been habituated to so many shocking sexual acts, was any one surprised (or as outraged as they should be) by the pictures of horrific sexual abuses of prisoners of the infamous Abu Garaib prison in Iraq?
It is not an overstatement to say that pornography has played a very significant role in the failure of modern men and women to connect to each other in a deeper, more meaningful and longer lasting way. The sexual establishment has just cheered it along and only very rarely do “sex coaches,” “gurus” or “sex therapists” advocate anything other than using *more* porn and not less. The results have been a wholesale cheapening callousness towards towards sex, millions of divorces and broken families, loneliness and the peculiar despair we moderns face that there could be *any* redemption in a relationship with the opposite sex.
THIS. Thank you.
Circumcision removes an extraordinary amount of nerves from the penis. It is the male equivalent to the clitoris. Let’s stop chopping that off, then get to the porn thing.
We’re right with you on that one. I think “The Good Men Project” did a series of articles on that subject not long ago. You may want to comment on them too.