Katherine Logan longs for a day when dating a single mom is something normal, not special or heroic.
Since divorcing my children’s father, I have been fortunate to date some really nice men. In the end, none of them yet has been right for me, but I am really happy to report that most of my experiences have been good. Invariably, though, in each dating relationship there came a moment where the fact that I am a “single mom” (actually, I’m a single co-parent, but that term hasn’t quite yet worked its way into everyday conversation) became important for him to address. Usually, it went something like this: “Well, you know, the fact that you’re a mom doesn’t bother me.”
I don’t remember asking him if it did matter that I was a mom. I guess I had already assumed that it didn’t bother him, or else we wouldn’t have gotten as far as we had yet. But he had to say it. What’s going on here? I’ve asked all of them why they would say such a thing, and here’s what I have been able to figure out: in general, men think that they are special or exceptional if they are willing to date single moms. In particular, they think the fact that they are willing to date a single mom is a sign that they are exceptionally altruistic or unselfish. In other words, dating a single mom makes a man a hero. Just being a normal boyfriend is heroic when you’re dating a single mom. Huh.
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I have begun to be bothered by this statement. It’s especially irritating when it doesn’t come after the guy has asked me a lot of questions about my experience as a parent, how I think it affects my relationships, whether or not being a single parent is harder or easier than being married parent (easier, in my case), and how I see a future partner fitting into my role as a parent. And, you know what? It is always irritating because it never follows those kinds of questions. While every man I have ever dated had to make sure that I knew that, unlike the other guys, he was willing to take on the burden of a single mom, he has never taken a single second to figure out what parenting means to me, how it affects my life, or how it would affect his if we were to walk further down this road together.
Nope, all of the meaning of me being a single parent seems to be understood, in advance, with no need to explain. . . unlike my tastes in food, my favorite vacation spots, what I do for work, what I think about Vladimir Putin, what my Myers-Briggs personality test says about me, and so on. In fact, the meaning seems to be decided in advance and is centered in HIM: the fact that I’m a single mom, and that he’s dating me, means that he is a hero.
Perhaps this seems a bit harsh, but I have already said that these were some good men. I really mean it. But I think that guys are missing something important, and missing the opportunity to really be a hero in a single mom’s life and for single moms everywhere.
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First, the reason that being a single mom is so hard is because we live in a society that doesn’t value (feminine) care activity and rewards (masculine) financially productive activity. If you have to do all of the caregiving and all of the money-making for your family, you are going to face some challenges. It’s hard. But making things hard for single parents is the result of choices that we’ve made as a society, assuming a different model of the family. This isn’t the natural order of events or anything. Yet, even though the family has changed drastically over the years, we keep making these choices, despite the sometimes dire consequences for single parents and their children (and married, dually-employed couples with children, too).
Second, if you want to be a hero in a single mom’s life, don’t make any assumptions about what it means to be a single mom. Throw out the dumb movies about single moms, stop reading the ridiculous newspaper columns and blog posts about them, and ask her questions about her experience and don’t decide what you think about it until you’ve done this. In other words, treat her like a real human and not like an object that you already know everything about. You know, like you would probably do with every other woman that you’ve ever dated, because you’re a good man.
Third, don’t think you’re a hero because you are willing to date a single mom. You’re just being a normal, decent person who recognizes that most adults are complex and busy people and that there are some social structures that make single parenting especially difficult. “Taking on the burden” of dating a single mom means that you’re taking responsibility for the social mess we’re in. You know, like a normal and decent person should be willing to do, in general. That isn’t heroic. Or at least it shouldn’t be!
Finally, if you really want to be a hero and rescue a single mom (or millions of them), then dedicate yourself to transforming the social conditions that make being a single parent so hard. Demand increased funding for social programs that aid parents in making the transition back into the workforce. . . especially if they’ve left it to care for children, and then found themselves divorced and lacking marketable skills. Demand increased levels of funding for TANF, SNAP, WIC, Head Start, and the CCDBG. Demand that employers take responsibility for their part in ensuring that tomorrow’s employees are well cared-for today: flexible schedules, paid parental leave, adequate paid sick leave, health care benefits, and so on.
In other words, if you want a single mom to think you’re a hero, then do something that will change the fact that single moms face unfair challenges. And what woman wouldn’t think that was hot?
—Photo Vanity/Flickr
I dated a single mother for 5 years. What a shit show. DO NOT DATE A SINGLE MOTHER. If you do, DO NOT MARRY HER. Total sucker bet. These women have all sorts of issues, baggage and drama. Yet they give you ultimatems and rules and act like they should be treated like royalty. I’ve been talking to a single mother lately (just friends)and she said she will not sleep with another man unless he marries her first. Good luck with that sweetheart.
If a guy wants to do all that he is a hero, what annoys me is I warned him and said find someone without kids or grown up kids and now I’m bad for complaining that he lives an ocean away, can’t borrow me 10 bucks he gets back after a week cause I can’t even buy bread, the only thing that matters to him is taking care and hanging around his elderly parents all day long, yet I must see him as a hero and he talks like he’s a hero for dating me long distance. Well the only… Read more »
Why not just date a single father?
Dating and marrying single mothers is an absolutely horrible idea for a man with no children. I would imagine the same for a childless woman dating a single parent. Been there, done that, and will NEVER do so again. Like Jodie, the single mothers I dated specifically sought out a guy without kids because dating a childless guy is easier, less stressful. After all, a childless guy like me doesn’t bring the financial burden of other children who will take away resources from single mommy. Childless guy doesn’t bring an ex that single mommy has to change her life to… Read more »
I found this article really great. I did the dating thing as a single mother, and ended up finding a partner who had no kids of his own and had never wanted any. I am unable to have any more children due to my health, and my children have a perfectly good father (who was just not a perfectly good partner to me). I made both of these things evident in my profile. I did briefly go out with a single, co-parenting dad, and I have to admit that I am glad that I did not end up in some… Read more »
@ Jodie, thank you, that’s such a perfect example of exactly what I was trying to say here. Congratulations on making it to the other side, your story absolutely made my day. 🙂
I was wondering if some guys back off dating a single mom because they feel that they’ll be number two or number three in her life. My mom never considered getting remarried after my father died because she was afraid her new husband might abuse her kids and she prioritized her children over having a husband / boyfriend. The concern lurks in the back of my mind when dating single moms. I think maybe some men assume an equal parenting relationship because otherwise they fear she’ll always side with the kids against him.
@ John Anderson: I am not going to try to persuade someone who is already convinced, but I have to say that it sounds like an awful shame that your mom had to forego love because she couldn’t find a “good man,” someone she could trust to love and respect her (and her children) and who she could love. Kids grow up and go away, under normal circumstances and if you’ve done the job well, and sacrificing your adult relationships for children means that you raise your children without moral support and when the kids leave, you’re alone and without… Read more »
How about that reason: Dating a single mother means that it is quite likely that you will never be able to have children of your own, because she has already concluded her family planning. And you won’t even be able to bear that constant disappointment together with her and comfort each other’s pain, because after all, she does not have that pain.
Sounds like a really good reason to me!
I mean, loving another person means that you want what’s best for her. No woman even worth considering would want for you to experience such a loss. Likewise, no one who wants to have biological children of his own should deny himself that desire (“sacrifice” for his partner) and then blame his partner for that, because how is that what’s best for her? I think there are probably many good reasons for not dating a single parent! I also think there are probably a lot of bad reasons, and realizing that your reasons are bad are an opportunity for growth.… Read more »
I just wanted to mention here, like most things, this is sometimes the case. Not always, not even quite likely… but sometimes. I had two pre teen daughters from a previous relationship when I married my husband. I had no plans to have another child but did not feel strongly against it either. However I recognized that it was something that was very important to him and eighteen months after we were married, my son came along. I wouldn’t have made this decision were it not for my husband, but am more than happy to have done it, and at… Read more »
This writing bothers me. I am normally a lurker, but I have to write a response in this case. I believe that people who have children are often best partnered with other parents who are single. Single parenthood is not a benefit to society. Countless studies detail how broken homes impact children in many negative ways. It is my job to help children process the abandonment they often feel as dad is jettisoned from the house, the anger that erupts because their world’s foundation has changed, or the blame that they invariably attribute to themselves. These are just a few… Read more »
Bbone, thanks for taking the time to write. There’s a lot going on there, and I agree with a lot of what you say, but I don’t necessarily think that much of this has to do with children, exactly. Aside from the effort that goes into adding someone else into a family with children—the kind of effort that goes into integrating two adult lives into one shared life partnership—it seems like you are really talking about issues that are way beyond whether someone has children. You are talking about issues of character, as well as social forces that exceed the… Read more »
I have dated some VERY good men who, while not overtly stating it, feel this way. It usually spells the end of the relationship from the get go. But I’ve also noticed a disturbing trend in that there seems to be some kind of excusing which happens when a good man gets into a relationship with a single mom, when he gets all heroic. The mere act of attempting to have a conversation about a problem in the relationship is an affront. How is it possible that I should even contemplate asking for more? Isn’t the gift of his mere… Read more »
I hope an additional take away is that choosing not to date a single parent doesn’t make anyone a horrible person either.
Women and men should be allowed to choose not to date an individual based on the fact that this individual has children.
Well, Chazz, I think that’s an open question. What are the reasons that someone doesn’t want to date a single parent? Maybe some of those reasons *do* make him/her a horrible person. That’s what this website is all about, right, what it means to be a “good” man? So, when is it okay to overlook a single parent as a potential partner, and when is it not okay? I wish that we would think more deeply about this, so that’s why I wrote this article. These days, when a man tells me that he’s attracted to me but doesn’t want… Read more »
@ Katherine Logan “Anyway, I am asking men to ask themselves why they are averse to dating a parent. If someone just really hates kids, well, then (as Allison says above) he ought not date the parent to begin with. And that’s fine with me!” I had a friend who dated a single mom. He dropped her off ay her house and she invited him in. He sat on the couch and her 10 or so year old son comes in with a baseball bat. His mom tells him to go to his room. He points at my friend and… Read more »
Yes, you should be up front with your expectations (and let her know what your assumptions are)! If she is dating to have fun, then you’ll find out. If she wants something more serious, then you’ll know and you can back off if you’re not interested. Just don’t make assumptions. If she isn’t self-aware enough to know what she wants, then you can figure that out, too, and just walk away. Likewise, if she is a parent, you will also be able to find out what she expects from a partner. Communicating about this kind of stuff is also a… Read more »
I apologize. In re-reading my post, I see now that it was rather cryptic which wasn’t my intention. What I meant is that whatever the individual’s reasons are for not wanting to continue the relationship are personal and isn’t my place to judge it as good or bad.
@ Chazz, thanks for checking back in on this. I think I probably agree with you. So, here I’m questioning a particular belief that I’ve witnessed, that dating single parents (especially mothers) is altruistic or heroic. I don’t think it’s necessarily good or bad to not want to date someone who’s a parent, it just depends on the situation. And it certainly isn’t for me to have an opinion on a particular situation, unless someone asks for my opinion. So I’m just trying to ask others to evaluate their own intentions around a larger social pattern that I’ve noticed, but… Read more »
When a man that I am dating, or perhaps a man who is considering whether to pursue a relationship with me, assumes an impending “equal partnership” in parenting (my children) and therefore doesn’t ask, he may not understand that I am indeed a “co-parent,” as Katherine is. He may not consider that my boys have a father and that I am not looking for another parent for my children. Of course, when considering a relationship with someone, I ask myself if this is a person my boys could look up to, could this person be a friend to my kids,… Read more »
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Please remove the above … I have no idea how that ended up in the comments.
Thanks
Please note that none of what I said above was meant to discount the author’s frustration in her situation.
No worries, Georgianna, I actually feel your pain here, because I don’t take into consideration the other side of things, the “How to Date When You’re a Single Parent” angle, and that’s partly where your concern seems to lie. (That’s for “The Good Woman Project,” maybe?) Sure, your stepdad could have been a better person, it seems, but I also think that single parents have to be better at dating. They need to take full responsibility for their parenting and the impacts of their choices on their children, and not assume that they need anyone to help them parent. Sure,… Read more »
I agree with John Anderson above. My parents divorced when I was in my teens. I have three younger siblings. My mother immediately moved in with her boyfriend after divorcing my father. Her live-in, long-term boyfriend may have wanted my mother, but he did not want another man’s four children. He did not take on any fatherly responsibility or make any particular efforts to get to know us. However, he did enforce his ‘house rules’ and was quick to yell or complain. They never lived anywhere where any of us had a bedroom and when we visited we slept on… Read more »
Most guys are hesitant to date a single mom because they view it as a package deal if they ever move into a committed relationship. When guys bring it up they’re (probably) either trying to convince themselves that they’re willing to accept the responsibility of raising a child or they’re signaling to you that they’re interested in moving the relationship to another phase and are basing their next actions on your response. If you seem uninterested in them as a father, they’ll take it as this relationship won’t go any farther. As far as men not asking where they’ll fit… Read more »
If you would absolutely not be willing to take on the “package deal” then you shouldn’t attempt to start a relationship with a single mom. And if you are willing to consider the package, then shouldn’t you, as the new addition, discuss how you will fit in and impact said package before flatly stating that the package is ok with you? Taking on the responsibility of other people’s children is not heroic. And those of us that do actually get irritated by people who feel the need to describe it as such. It is a sign of your own short-sightedness.… Read more »
@ Allison Quadhamer When you look at child rearing, there are levels of responsibility. I’m unsure what percentage of men have baby sat. I have so I suspect that it’s a pretty high percentage. I remember baby sitting. We’d do mostly fun things for them, but by the end of the day, I was more exhausted then when I’d work an 8 hour day. I volunteer to mentor troubled youth. Currently, I’m mentor to a 19 year old, who’s been abused by his parents and lives with his grandma. His confidence and self worth were destroyed and he didn’t have… Read more »
I also suspect men have been labelled “commitment-phobic” if they expressed these quite reasonable concerns in the past.
Which again, might make them think dating a single mother is an issue they need to navigate.
Adoption is not the same as dating a single parent. People who adopt choose to as opposed to dating someone who just happens to have kids. You don’t choose that the person you are dating has them, you only choose to date them
Two points need to be revisited from the perspective of most men I know. 1) Regarding society placing higher value on financial achievement, there is some truth to this, but we shouldn’t view this as yet another obstacle for equality. Financial gain is something concrete and measurable, which maternal prowess can see a mishap at any turn. That said, many guys I know love seeing a woman who can take care of another human being; it’s instinctive for both sexes. The only reason why this case gives it less esteem is because of the fact that that single mother either… Read more »
@ Steve: 1) This isn’t about single moms, this is about divorce. You’re saying that (many? most? some?) people who get divorces are unreliable people, or show very poor judgment, and thus naturally deserve to suffer the consequences of those early decisions. I disagree, and it seems to me that you are judging a whole bunch of people about whom you clearly know nothing through firsthand experience, or else you know a few troubled people, who got divorces, and now you are judging the whole class of divorced people on the basis of your experience of a few of them.… Read more »