A lot of people throw around the term “sex addict” casually, but it’s not a casual diagnosis. Virginia Gilbert, MFT helps clear up the confusion.
–
So you like non-vanilla or non-monogamous sex? Contrary to conventional wisdom, your sexual behavior does not make you a sex addict.
Necessarily.
Here are portraits of two men with the same desire for the novelty and variety that is often integral to full-throttle sex. Yet only one of them is a sex addict.
Steve has rough sex with men he meets on hook-up sites. After these encounters, he rarely sees his sex partners again. He does this with the blessing of Ron, his life partner of twenty years, whose sexual needs diverge from Steve’s. Instead of ending a good relationship by pathologizing Steve’s high libido, Ron and Steve designed a contract that would meet Steve’s need for sexual intensity and Ron’s need for security: Steve only hooks up with other men when Ron is out of town; the encounters never take place in the couple’s home; Steve does not screw and tell.
A year ago, Dylan’s wife Heather discovered he’d been hiring hookers and having affairs for their entire ten-year relationship. They both entered sex addiction treatment that consisted of a month at an inpatient facility for Dylan, and 12-step meetings, weekly individual, group, and couples therapy for both. Heather was slowly beginning to trust Dylan again when one of his new affair partners blew the whistle. While undergoing intensive — and exorbitant — treatment for sex addiction, Dylan had been simultaneously carrying on a secret life with half a dozen women. “He looked me in the eye and told me he had stopped,” Heather said in a group I ran for partners of sex addicts. “He’s a pathological liar. I don’t even know who he is.”
The term “sex addiction” unfortunately has given sex a bad name. People often feel shamed for having a high libido and beyond-vanilla and/or non-monogamous sexual preferences. None of these predilections is inherently “bad,” or need end a relationship, as long as both partners are transparent and negotiate an agreement that is consensual, not coercive.
Having “too much” sex doesn’t make someone a sex addict; having sex fused with shame, secrecy, and betrayal does. Here are eight ways to know if you or your partner has crossed the line from high libido into sex addiction.
1. People with high libidos are transparent with their partners. Sex addicts keep secrets; they manipulate and lie to their partners.
2. People with high libidos feel energized and fulfilled after an encounter. Sex addicts often feel shame and emptiness, then immediately start jonesing for their next fix.
3. People with high libidos have full lives in which their sexuality is just one part. Sex addicts’ lives contract and revolve around their sexual encounters.
4. People with high libidos see their partners as separate individuals with rights and boundaries. Sex addicts see their partners as objects existing solely for their own gratification, to be exploited and discarded at whim.
5. People with high libidos watch porn to enhance their sex lives or meet their sexual needs in between partners. Sex addicts watch porn because they prefer it to relationships with real people.
6. People with high libidos feel satisfied after they masturbate. Sex addicts often masturbate to the point of injury.
7. People with high libidos have successful relationships and careers. Sex addicts’ high-risk, obsessive, and often expensive sexual behavior results in shattered relationships and families, job loss, and financial ruin.
8. People with high libidos have sex that is relational – and, yes, casual sex can be relational! Sex addicts have sex to avoid intimacy.
9. People with high libidos don’t participate in sex acts that degrade them; sex addicts can’t stop participating in sex acts that degrade them.
10. People with high libidos run their sex lives. Sex addicts’ sex lives run them.
And here’s a caveat: some might read this and decide they’re not sex addicts because their careers are booming, they were happy to get out of that lousy marriage, their kids are just fine, and they don’t feel any shame. What they don’t realize is that their treatment of others is fundamentally exploitative. They often justify their sexual behavior because their partners seem to be consenting, when in fact they have attracted people with no self-esteem and no boundaries, and who will do anything to keep a relationship.
Bottom line: if you can’t stop having sex that hurts yourself or other people, you’re a sex addict. And you need help.
Resources on sex addiction and healthy sexuality:
Shame – Before helming 12 Years A Slave, director Steve McQueen directed this wrenching, spot-on film about a sex addict descent into degradation. If you don’t believe sex addiction exists, this movie will change your mind.
www.fpcon.org – According to its web site, the Feminist Porn Conference “brings together academics, students, cultural critics, sex workers, activists, fans, and porn performers and producers to explore the intersections between feminism and pornography as well as feminist porn as a genre, industry, and movement.”
www.aasect.org – The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. This sex-positive organization is devoted to the advancement of sex therapy, counseling, and education. You can locate a professional in your area through their web site.
Interesting ….but I think if “Heather” had given “Dylan” the same permissions that ‘Ron’ gave “Steve” ….their stories would be pretty much identical. So did Heather make Dylan a sex addict….??
Ok after reading this article I’ve come to a conclusion that I’m a sex addict
ok
I have a question. Can sex addicts refuse sex and instead masturbate? In other words, should sex addiction be a legitimate excuse for cheating?
I think sex addiction is huger than we realize. I think a lot of people self medicate though sexual pleasure. And I think our culture supports being obessed with sex.
I don’t believe that people who are open about their sexual desires are neccesarily not sex addicts or are. Just as I am not convinced that people who hide their sexual desires are sexual addicts or aren’t. There are way too many variables to make these inclusive statements.
I agree 100%
But if this “feels” like an addiction to you and you really want to make changes in your life, recoverynation.com is an excellent resource. It has free online exercises and paid extra coaching if you want that too.
This is a great article, presenting great clarification.
Just want to add that while the DSM does not recognize “sex addiction,” anything can be seen as an addiction if it’s harming you and it’s controlling you so that you feel you have no choice over an obsessive behavior. I’m using the common (non-clinical) understanding here, as with the Merriam Webster dictionary:
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/addiction
I think its better to use the clinical definition in a topic discussing if you are or are not suffering as such. In no small part to avoid confusion but also to avoids lending credibility and self diagnosis.
I know the term “sex addiction” is controversial, and I agree that the term is often thrown around too casually, which is the ENTIRE reason I wrote this piece. So perhaps you missed my point. But whether it’s called addiction, or compulsion, or bad choices, being unable to stop engaging in sexual behaviors that are damaging to oneself and others, despite efforts to do so, is a problem. With all due respect, I think your position that sex addiction is hokum is equally as polarizing as carelessly diagnosing sex addiction when one doesn’t exist.
The word addiction comes with its own baggage that can obfuscate real issues and prevent real help from working.
For example let’s say someone felt disrespected or unwanted in the relationship and found them selves having an affair. The above examples would call this an addiction when in fact this is about lack of communication and resentment. Calling it an addiction just gives them another way to hide from the real issues.
So no I don’t think calling sex addiction out for its lack evidence is polarizing. I think it’s a responsibility.
Interesting ….but I think if “Heather” had given “Dylan” the same permissions that ‘Ron’ gave “Steve” ….their stories would be pretty much identical. So did Heather make Dylan a sex addict….??
I would be pretty sceptical of anyone who uses a diagnosed that as far as I can tell dose not exist as a recognized diagnoses.
Still we have a few really good points here. And its worth having a conversation.
Anongirl, just wanted to clarify that comment below was in response to David Ley.
The primary difference I see between the two men in the comparison is that one man’s partner knows about it and accepts it while the other man’s partner does not. That difference doesn’t define addiction. Most straight men who desire novelty and variety (to use the writer’s terms) do not have the luxury of being able to find a woman who is accepting of that to marry. If they want to have both a long-term relationship/marriage and variety, they have to hide be secretive about it. I am NOT saying that makes it okay or excusable in ANY way, but… Read more »
No, no and no! Cheating is willfully wounding another person. There is no love in that. It is not just having one’s cake and eating it too. It is emotonally, mentally and psychologically deeply wounding and scarring another for one’s own gratification. Either one is a sociopath/narcissist to repeatedly choose this or they have an addiction or deep psychological trauma. There is no rational explanation for marrying a person and willfully choosing to harm them on purpose.
What if your partner has no desire for sex and you have children that you both love but your spouse with lower libido refuses to fix it because it does not concern her/him. You get into an intimate relationship for a reason. Do not judge because you can’t relate to them
These statements are most untrue :
7. People with high libidos have successful relationships and careers. Sex addicts’ high-risk, obsessive, and often expensive sexual behavior results in shattered relationships and families, job loss, and financial ruin.
9. People with high libidos don’t participate in sex acts that degrade them; sex addicts can’t stop participating in sex acts that degrade them.
Defining “degrade” does not seem to be necessary ? Or is it ?
“Sex addiction” is just one more of those newly named conditions that have some basis in truth AND are over diagnosed, misdiagnosed, and exploited by people for their own self-interest. (I’m looking at you, ADHD.) The way trained professionals approach it may be entirely different from the way that the public does.
My amateur opinion: it’s a real thing in some cases but a convenient excuse in a lot of other cases.
Anything that anyone feels free to self-diagnose based on a “Top 8 list” on a popular online site needs to be approached with skepticism.
“My amateur opinion: it’s a real thing in some cases but a convenient excuse in a lot of other cases”: Agreed — this list was not meant to diagnose, but to serve as a guideline for people to examine their behavior or the behavior of their partners.
Thanks for the engaging article and the interesting responses. Sexuality is an important part of life and issues around addiction are rampant in our society. Any article can only touch on a small aspect of these “hot topics.” I wrote the book, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions, in 1988 when these topics weren’t talked about a great deal. I wrote from my own experience and described my own “sex and romance addictions.” I still believe that sex addiction is a useful term for many people, just as gambling addiction and food addiction… Read more »
I think what one central point being made by the author might be getting lost in the comments here. High libido is not sex addiction. She is encouraging a conversation in which we view a high libido as healthy and not locate it on the slippery slope to an addiction diagnosis. Thank you for making THAT part of the conversation about sexuality. Because amidst the various challenges of long term monogamous relationships, high libido people can often be left feeling they want too much, too often.
Thank you.
Good porn is art to me. Sometimes I prefer to appreciate art in solitude and sometimes I prefer it in the company of others. I like to paint (often erotic imagery) too and sometimes it’s just easier to really dedicate myself to the task when I’m not being distracted by other people. I don’t think it’s helpful to pathologize such preferences.
I’m so glad you posted this. It bothers me SO much when cheaters try to hide behind a sex addiction, making it main stream (Tiger Woods). I’m not saying he’s not a sex addict, being that I never assessed him & diagnosed him. In any event, a sex addiction isn’t any different than, say, an alcohol or crack addiction. Point being: in order to be deemed an addict, sex must run your life. Wanting to have sex with prostitutes & cheating on your wife doesn’t always mean you’re a sex addict.
This article has surprisingly little science and few facts, for a piece endorsing the legitimacy of the concept of sex addiction, despite the fact that sex addiction has been rejected as a legitimate diagnosis repeatedly over the past 30 years. The author relies on her convictions, anecdotal experiences, and her own assumptions about what is healthy or not, falling into the subjective thinking that the concept of sex addiction is based upon. The lying and selfishness in most of her examples are subjectively painful, but are the result of people’s choices, not a mythical illness. I truly appreciate and acknowledge… Read more »
I don’t think Shame is a morality play — I think it is an unflinching examination of one man’s spiral into despair. He spends virtually every waking hour consumed with sexual activity that leaves him feeling empty, and at one point, almost loses his life because of it. He doesn’t just make bad choices, he’s incapable of changing his behavior, which is a hallmark of any addiction. Curious: do you think someone who binges and purges food is an addict, or just making bad choices? Is someone whose compulsion to gamble sends them into debt an addict or just making… Read more »
I think there is a important distinction between addict and compulsion.
Virginia, I really suggest you give my book a looking over, or review the DSM5. You’ll find that the term addiction is NOT applied to eating disorders, and that indeed, most eating disorder providers and researchers argue that it is counterproductive to do so. Further, gambling disorder is explicitly NOT defined as an addiction, though it is included in the addictive disorders section. The DSM5 makes clear that the term addiction is a vague, imprecise term of little real clinical or scientific value. I strongly criticize people who argue that sex is “like” gambling or eating disorders, and thus real… Read more »
oops — my original response to this comment is below.
Interesting….For those same 30 yrs, Chronic Fatigue has been denied yet I live with a beautiful vibrant woman who was struck down in her mid thirties, forced to quit a high power career with commensurate high income to a life being largely bed-ridden in a state of near poverty….yet they tell us it doesn’t exist for lack of proof. hmmmmph.
“Having “too much” sex doesn’t make someone a sex addict; having sex fused with shame, secrecy, and betrayal does. ” No, having sex fused with shame, secrecy and betrayal doesn’t make one a sex-addict. It can mean LOTS of things, but it does not mean you are a sex-addict. MANY people feel shame about their sexuality, for lots of reasons. Many people are secretive about their sex lives for lots of reasons. As often as not (if not more often) it’s because society has led them to believe that what they want is “wrong,” and that they should be ashamed… Read more »
No, everyone who prefers porn over people is a porn addict.
Or is traumatized by real people in some way or other, and afraid of them. It happens, I’m sure. Severe social anxiety, micropenis, previous victim experience of sexual violence, you take your pick.
I got a friend who would rather just skip all the relationship stuff and feels perfectly satisfied with porn.
She is not a porn addict and she is not damaged.
It never fails to amaze me how judgemental people are of others sex or lack of sex life’s.
@Alycia…thanks for expanding the view…well-stated!
Maybe I am some where in between. I can have sex everyday, several times a day. But it has to be one a woman in a relationship (of some sort).
Hello Jules, we should meet for coffee some time. 😀
“But it has to be one a woman in a relationship (of some sort).”
Should have read,
“But it has to be with one woman in a relationship (of some sort).”