A guy wonders if he should break it up or suck it up.
This post originally appeared at She Said He Said.
Dear Sexes: I recently fell profoundly in love with a woman I was working with on a short term project. She is everything I want in a woman—spontaneous, romantic, intelligent, sexy, artistic, warm, funny, kind but assertive, and has an ass that should be bronzed by Donatello. And I genuinely believe the attraction is mutual, though stronger on my side.
Only one problem: she has a boyfriend. Not sure how long, seems about the one-year mark. They don’t live together, and I don’t hear an excessive amount of gushing. I sense she is interested, but it would require her discarding a relationship that has no major problems (as far as I can tell).
The question is: how to proceed with the delicate matter of declaring your feelings for someone who is not currently available without scaring them off? Women say all their lives how they want a man to fall madly in love with them and try to sweep them off their feet, but I’ve seen it stress them out and make them run in the opposite direction a lot, too. Do I patiently wait on the sidelines? Plunge in? Shop elsewhere and I can find this kind of magic again?
She Said: There’s something magical about an unavailable girl (or boy), isn’t there? She’s always perfect, she’s always pretty, always funny and kind and compassionate and understanding. She never seems bitter, selfish, unforgiving or cruel.
Why is that?
It’s not because she never is any of those things—-everyone is from time to time—-it’s simply because she has another place to dump all that ugliness: her boyfriend. She gets to give you her best, and to see that best reflected back at her in you.
But all that awesome connection is built upon a shaky foundation. You owe it to yourself and this girl with the perfect ass to start your potential love in an honest and uncomplicated way, someday, when she’s single. That will allow the two of you to build something solid, from the ground up, should you get the chance.
If you feel you must tell her, think through the possible problems you could cause for one or both of you at work. Things may never be the same for you after that. Better yet, send her a letter (to her office, not her house!) with your confession of love contained inside. If she doesn’t return the affections, she can just pretend she never received it. No one trusts the USPS anyway.
He Said: No gushing? Check your sound-waves! Your ears hear what they want to hear, because your heart feels what it feels, and there’s no stopping it. The problem is, that’s probably the wisest thing to do—-stop yourself!
If you care only about yourself, then tell this woman how you feel, don’t worry about the repercussions it may have on her current relationship, and hopefully things will work out between the two of you (if she decides she feels the same as you). And try not to get run over by the karma train while you’re at it!
But if you really do care about this girl, you should respect her relationship (and the boundaries it presents) and keep your feelings to yourself (for now). If she’s truly unhappy, her relationship will most likely fizzle out or run its course. It’s not your job to help her in that process.
This woman might be a wonderful person, with all your favorite traits, including a sweet ass. But she can’t give her whole self to you, if she’s involved with someone else. Be friends for now, and nurture that aspect of your connection. And I suggest you go on some fishing excursions of your own, because you need to work on your patience. Love is all in the timing, and right now is not the time (for this particular love).
Or… you can profess your love to her, see her dump her boyfriend (for the wrong reasons—-an emotional reaction to your words), go surprise her in, say, oh I don’t know, North Carolina, have a best-ever “honeymoon” time with each other for a short period, and then watch as the whole thing blows up in your face (in the worst possible way) in the not-too-distant future. Of course, I’m just speaking hypothetically.
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Vocalyze
The two honorable options are: stay silent, or say “If you weren’t taken, I’d ask you out in a minute.”
I’m not against Copyleft’s line… As long as the guy only says it once.
Solid advice.
I agree… sometimes you have to respect what others have.. even if it is what we want also… if you feel you gotta say something.. say it respectfully and leave it at that..
Excellent advice with your addendum, and that did in fact happen to me. The person respected that I was dating someone else and was patient. I never forgot his words and eventually came around.
The person I am currently with (3 years so far!) informed me of their interest when I was seeing someone else, and left that between us, putting an awesome friendship on the line. I am kind of oblivious, and had no idea. So sometimes it works wonderfully by putting yourself out there.
“Better yet, send her a letter (to her office, not her house!) with your confession of love contained inside. If she doesn’t return the affections, she can just pretend she never received it. No one trusts the USPS anyway.”
That could be really creepy :*D, especially if he doesn’t say anything about it.
Always give it a try. If you really feel she has an interest in you, then the boyfriend should pose no threat. People break up all the time because they fall in love with someone else. Just don’t force things or you could scare her off.
It’s a tough spot to be in for sure. I know how it feels. You have to ask yourself, what is more important to you. Is it more important to take the chance at something more with her which holds a very real chance of clowing up on you or do you enjoy having her in your life as a long-term friend. I am going with the just being happy they are in my life as a friend and that her happiness is what matters to me. Of course, I am a bit biased on it because I was left for someone else and I don’t want another guy to have to feel how I felt.
The Saids make a good point about how infatuation leads to idealization. What you’re seeing is perfection, and it’s heady, life-affirming, wonderful stuff. She also belches, farts, bleeds, gets zits on her great butt, gets cranky without her morning coffee, puts the toilet paper in the holder incorrectly, and has hair in surprising places. (No, these are not autobiographical examples. Not all of them.)
Take a moment to make a list of her shortcomings as well. See if you can think of her as a complete person, warts and all. (Did I mention warts?) If you can’t think of any flaws, you are not in love with her. You’re in love with a fantasy of her. If you were to be in a relationship with her, it would be with a real person.
Picture realistically what a relationship with her might look like. One question: what would it do to your relationship to know that she left another man to be with you? Would that make it hard to trust her?
Ultimately a relationship thrives or dies based on its own dynamic. You can’t actually break them up. If they break up, it’s because of them, not you. So, I hope you’re not thinking you might “break it up” like the title suggests. That’s a selfish way to look at it, and it doesn’t work that way anyway.
1) Do you want to be with the kind of girl who continues a relationship she is only in because it is ‘ok’ and not because she is in love (this is what you are saying she is doing?)
2) Do you you want to be with the kind of girl who will dump a long term boyfriend on a whim cause a guy she just met is nice?
3) Do you want to be with the kind of girl who will cheat on her boyfriend (emotionally or physically) before they break up?
seriously? I don’t gush about my boyfriend, I don’t talk about him with casual work colleagues either. I am madly in love and committed to him, we don’t live together yet and we are only together a short time. I get along with lots of the guys I work with, if any of them propositioned me knowing I was in a relationship that would be the end of the friendship. Do I really want to be with a guy who thinks it is ok to break up a relationship?
There is more than ‘ONE’ girl in the world for you, find one that is available and interested
Good insights, kathryn!