What does it mean that the popular image of the male dominant is a paragon of sadistic power?
Out of everything that makes up ‘me’, sadist and dominant are nowhere near the most important. They are vital components of my experience, yes, but buried beneath those titles are feelings and fears, insecurities and shortcomings.
I am not invincible. I am not omniscient. I am not a robot with a well-oiled mechanical arm that can whip a ragged back from sunup to sundown without breaks.
I am a short man with a small voice and a bad elbow. I am terrified of playing hard enough that I cross a line and harm someone, but mortified when I know I have played too gently and so offered a suboptimal experience to my partner. I study anatomy and practice and read every how-to manual that I can, but my confidence is still an atrophied wreck.
I am most definitely not the promotional image of the male Dom, that larger-than-life figure who can lead his sub through entire universes of sensation and psychological pain, summon flawless service from his slave, and leave his bottom strung up in elegant, photogenic knots. I am not tall enough, muscular enough, or rich enough to be that man, but that’s just as well, since I don’t want to be him anyway. While I would love a self-esteem boost, I want that to come from acceptance of what I am, not from me changing myself to fit that ideal.
But that unflappable mountain of a man is the ideal, and that is a problem.
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Noah Brand’s column on Dommes described the damage done to men and women when we force dominant women into a stereotype corner, but what about the dominant men?
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To be clear, there is nothing at all wrong with men who fit our current image of the Dom. They are as happy and healthy as all the rest of us. The problem lies in having an ideal in the first place. Noah Brand’s column on Dommes described the damage done to men and women when we force dominant women into a stereotype corner, but what about the dominant men?
We are almost never featured in BDSM writings, existing as only a dangerous shadow, an object to provide terrible pleasure to our nubile young victims. In film we are the kidnappers, the rapists, the monsters under the bed. We are not people, really. Even in mainstream discussions of BDSM we are all but ignored: Newsweek’s cover story on Fifty Shades of Grey focused only on what the book meant for submissive women, as though Doms were not their own group worthy of comment. (That article is also notable for completely ignoring submissive men — way to go, Newsweek.)
Aside from the indignity of being portrayed as evil, slavering props, cramming all of us into the role of Sadistic Superman has nasty consequences for the entire BDSM community. The usual method for learning a trade is to absorb what you can then fake it ‘til you make it. Unfortunately, faking it ‘til you make it in BDSM can land you or your partner in the hospital or in prison. With the unique pressures put on Doms to be flawless and fierce, we are both afraid to ask for help and capable of tremendous destruction when we do not.
The ideal Dom can read minds. He can push further and further, long past his sub’s stated boundaries, and bring them both out the other side transformed. He knows that even when his partner says “no” what they really want is more, more, more, more, and only he can give it to them.
There are men like that, who are so in tune with their play partners that they can renegotiate boundaries without asking, so skilled that they can strike and strike and strike until their partner is covered in blood but still do no unwanted damage. But most of us are not like that. Most of us are imperfect, fallible Doms who hesitate before moving into uncharted territory.
We as a community need to accept that Doms are human beings with the same basic needs as everyone else. When we demand perfection we get imitators, and then we turn around and demonize them for the damage they do. I know from experience just how easy it is to cross someone’s boundaries even when you are focusing on nothing else. Small wonder that Doms are called “predators” more often than any other BDSM group!
So here’s to the rest of us. Here’s to the frail, the quiet, the timid. Here’s to the ones who are weak and who know that’s okay. Here’s to being human.
And, most of all, here’s to making our subs/bottoms/masochists/slaves/etc. beg for all the wonderful things we have to offer, because we’ve got a whole lot.
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About Tobias
” I am terrified of playing hard enough that I cross a line and harm someone, but mortified when I know I have played too gently and so offered a suboptimal experience to my partner.” -
And yet this is paradigmatic of men’s relationship with women in our society. Cross a woman’s boundaries at work and it’s sexual harassment. Ask for some clear guidelines over what constitutes crossing a boundary and you get no other answer other than don’t give “unwanted sexual attention.” Suggest to woman that it makes more sense for them to approach men since men (unlike women) do not usually find anything uncomfortable about “unwanted sexual attention” and your words often fall on deaf ears.
I think in a way until women can fully own their own submission, i, as much as that is what they authentically desire, then there will always be this paradoxical idealization and demonization of dominant males.
Men have the dominant role in sexuality and the irony is that it role has been forced on us and yet we are still demonized when we don’t live up to it perfectly.
If it matters, I feel that pressure no matter what gender my partner is.
I remember reading an article about the complete lack of presence of male doms in sex positive discussions despite that there are many female/male subs and female doms/switches out there with blogs or with articles on websites such as this. I was surprized to see this article but then I’m less surprised that your LGBT because one of the things that mentioned in that article was how doms are thought of as misognystic even though to be a sub there has to be a sub there has to be a dom somewhere. I imagine many doms are in fact predatorial or its reasonable to imagine so and that is one reason that doms do not normally out themselves.
It’s true, we’re almost entirely absent. (And I’m not even a Dom, exactly – I’m a switch who mostly doms.) Some dominant men write about their experiences on FetLife, but those tend to fall into one of three categories: 1) Scolding men who aren’t good enough at being Doms; 2) Writing about how it feels for them to dom; or 3) Writing about how important consent is. None of those things are problems, exactly, but they tend to follow the same basic structure, and I haven’t seen any writings that really break new ground. Of course, none of this makes it into the mainstream.
As to whether we’re all misogynistic predators, I can only speak for myself. Am I a misogynist? Not by any mainstream definitions I know of. Am I a predator? Absolutely not. What I am is a man who has been discouraged from writing about his experiences because of how obvious it is that they’re not wanted. I’m using a pseudonym not because I’m afraid of being outed as kinky, but because I’m afraid of the backlash *from the kink community*.
You’re absolutely right that a sub needs a Dom(me) and vice versa! It’s a symbiotic and complex relationship, but one side usually falls by the wayside.
“1) Scolding men who aren’t good enough at being Doms; 2) Writing about how it feels for them to dom; or ” – This is a cliche that keeps coming up over and over again in “sex positive” writings. The content seems less about being sex positive than it is about lecturing or scolding their audience and particularly men. I’ve stopped reading some websites altogether because of that.
“Writing about how it feels for them to dom; or” – Well that seems less in the lecture mode of things and in actuality talking about the feelings of any kind of sexual activity is outside the norm in sex positive spaces or other spaces. Our society has a weird attitude toward emotions and an even weirder one toward sex, and there is practically no discussion of the intersection between the two. So if there are articles such as that then thats a good thing.
I can see how those can be very limited topics. It sounds like doms especially male doms and in particular heterosexual doms have to pretty much create there own territory. But I suppose its the very forbidnessness, autonomy, and singularity of a dom that makes a dom a dom – the masculine role taken to its logical limit.
” I am terrified of playing hard enough that I cross a line and harm someone, but mortified when I know I have played too gently and so offered a suboptimal experience to my partner.” -
And yet this is paradigmatic of men’s relationship with women in our society. Cross a woman’s boundaries at work and it’s sexual harassment. Ask for some clear guidelines over what constitutes crossing a boundary and you get no other answer other than don’t give “unwanted sexual attention.” Suggest to woman that it makes more sense for them to approach men since men (unlike women) do not usually find anything uncomfortable about “unwanted sexual attention” and your words often fall on deaf ears.
I think in a way until women can fully own their own submission, in as much as that is what they authentically desire, then there will always be this paradoxical idealization and demonization of sexually dominant males.
Men have the dominant role in sexuality and the irony is that it role has been forced on us and yet we are still demonized when we don’t live up to it perfectly.
It’s pretty easy actually not to cross someone’s boundaries. You shouldn’t be giving anyone sexual attention at work, period. That doesn’t mean you can’t ask someone out at work (“would you like to get a drink after work sometime?”) but if they say no, that has to be the end of it. In social settings, wait until you get some signals that the woman is into you before you start hitting on her. If you are talking to a woman and she looks bored or sounds irritated, she’s probably not into you. I’ve never understood why guys find this difficult, I can tell within 2 minutes if the person I’m talking to is bored. Facial expression, tone of voice, body language, eye contact, etc. It’s not rocket science.
Is it really? Here are two stories of boundary crossing between myself and my partner of more than three years. I alluded to the first one in my post.
One day I stumbled upon a nice long bamboo switch. My partner had wanted to try out caning for a long time, so we decided to give it a shot. I started out very lightly and worked my way up. Given that this was new to both of us, I was paying meticulous attention to her body language. Was she flinching away from me? Was she tensing up? Even so, I accidentally hit too hard and she requested a break using an agreed upon signal. We stopped and she described what went wrong. The whole time I was still dedicating all of my attention to watching her and making sure she calmed down before I started again. When it looked like she had relaxed I backed up and gave the switch another swing. She turned around, a furious expression on her face, and demanded to know why I had started before she gave me a signal. Signal? What signal? When had we set up a signal? Hadn’t she given me all the nonverbal signals I was looking for? We talked it out and set up a better system for the next time.
Sometimes my partner and I switch and she tops me. On one such occasion she began causing me pain in a manner we had never discussed because it never occurred to me that she would do it. I was in agony, screaming more than I ever had in a scene. Nonetheless, I chose not to stop things, and it ended up being one of the best scenes I’ve ever been in.
Who did wrong, and when? Both of us broke common-sense BDSM rules, but both of us were trying to do right by our partners.
I get what you are saying, but your context is completely off. Sarah was talking about sexual harassment at work, not consensual sexual activity between two adults.
Sarah brought up the question of body language and being able to easily read someone. In my experience it’s far from simple, even when you are trying your best to respect the other party.
You’re right though that work and play are not exact parallels.
Hi Tobias, I was responding to the comment about boundary crossing in relationships between men and women. I get a little crsnky when I keep reading comments from guys who complain that they can’t figure out women’s boundaries with regard to wanted or unwanted sexual attention.
I can’t comment on boundaries in BDSM relationships because I’m not involved in that lifestyle and frankly what you describe freaks me out a little.
It does sound complicated and probably not my cup of tea. But not really analogous to asking out a woman at work.
I think they’re closer than you might expect. Playing by pre-written rules and reading body language are fundamental skills.
Take, for example, asking someone out at work. You offer the hard rule of accepting a no when they give you one, and supplement it by suggesting that the asker read the askee for signs of boredom or irritation. What happens when you ask someone and they tell you they’re not free after work, then they take a phone call? Is that a yes or a no? If they look irritated when they pick up the phone, how do you tell if it’s because of you or because they didn’t want to be interrupted?
It’s useful to have social guidelines that we are all meant to play by, and reading body language can make or break an interaction. (One reason why internet conversations are so difficult!) However, no matter how well you know the rules or how talented you are at reading moods, there will always be ambiguous situations where the rules don’t apply or a grimace can mean multiple things. It was true when my partner broke a rule by trying something we hadn’t negotiated, and it’s true when you’re blocked by a sudden phone call.
By the way, I’m sorry I freaked you out! There’s a fine line between TMI and too little context, and I can’t always hit that.
Of course there can be ambiguous situations and innocent mistakes or misreading of cues at times. I’m just objecting to the claim from Quadruple A that women are so ambiguous and misleading and sexually confused that it is impossible to avoid crossing their boundaries. That is patently not true. It is usually quite easy in normal daily interactions to tell how the other person is reacting to one’s overtures. in particular it is easy to discern a negative reaction (boredom, irritation). If someone acts bored they probably are. If they take your call, but seem less than thrilled, they are probably just being polite.
There is a small segment of people on various forums on the internet where the discussion centers on issues of gender and sexuality who’s comments I’ve learned to avoid reading altogether because of their transparently manipulative and obnoxious quality . I think they work as PR reps for the PUA industry and their intention is to confuse and “miss” inform so that people will feel a greater need for their “services.”
Is it now? I ask this because while its easy to point out the obvious stuff there is still a matter of innocent gestures that may or may not be taken a certain way.
(This was supposed to be a reply to Sarah’s July 30, 2012 at 12:06 pm comment.)
poignantly stated insights…shows the depth, vulnerability and honest of a Conscious Dom…bravo!
Galen
Erotic Wilderness Guide at the Conscious Kink Blog
Creator of the Conscious D/s-BDSM Workshops