When Katarina Ilic tried to question her own personal views on monogamy, she found herself shaken to the core.
I’ve learned, over the past couple years, that it’s slightly dangerous to hold on to any particular idea or concept too tightly. We are expansive and limitless beings who fare best when we allow Spirit within the freedom of expression at any given moment, or period in our lives.
Allow me to explain.
A few years ago, I was really banking the success of my life on getting married one day. I don’t think I would’ve, or even could’ve, admitted to this at the time, but looking back, that’s exactly how it was. I was so looking forward to the day I would get married as sort of the beginning of the rest of my life. Now that didn’t mean that I wasn’t enjoying life back then, I was, but there was this underlying current of “I just can’t wait to get married one day…that’s when life will really begin.”
I also have to admit that I was quite religious back then so there were certain beliefs and dogmas I held to. One of them being that a lifelong partnership, i.e. a monogamous relationship, is the healthy and normal way to go, really the only way to go…
Until a friend managed to make a crack in this weak foundation of mine when she said that she believes human beings aren’t meant for monogamy…{GASP}. Of course I had heard this idea before, this complete antithesis to everything I stood for, an idea that threatened my security to the core. But I think it was an idea I heard about in movies, TV shows, from Hollywood celebrities, but never from anyone that I knew personally…never from anyone “normal”.
This friend was a year older than me in school and we hadn’t seen each other in a while but found ourselves at the same birthday party for a mutual friend, a couple of years ago. As is the norm when catching up with someone, I asked her if she was seeing anyone seriously, in a relationship, you know, the typical questions one asks to see where someone else is at. And that’s when she laid it on me, that she just didn’t believe we’re meant for monogamous relationships.
I don’t know why this shook me so much. Again, maybe it’s just because I had never heard anyone I knew personally believe in this idea. Or maybe because I looked up to her…she’s beautiful, smart, kind, feminine and has an amazing energy about her. I don’t think she noticed that what she said affected me so much and I don’t think I demonstrated a visible reaction. It was more what happened on the inside of me afterwards. This was the first time I actually gave this idea any thought or merit. It made me start questioning what I believed for so long, and what I held on to so tightly.
Which brings me to another thing that I have learned: it’s SO SO SO good and important to question what you believe and why you believe it. It will either help further solidify what you already believe or it will reveal to you a greater truth that you wouldn’t have otherwise discovered.
So where has this questioning led me and what do I now believe about monogamy?
Let me bring you back to my friend for a minute.
Over the past year or so, I kept seeing photos of said friend (on facebook, of course), with a certain gentleman. I finally decided to send her a message about it. Here is an excerpt from what I wrote to her:
“I am asking myself questions like this and many others, testing what I really believe and really want. And I’ve seen through FB feeds that it looks like you are now in a happy relationship. So my question is, do you still believe what you said to me that night or do you think that when you meet the “right” person, it is possible to be with just one. I’d love to hear your thoughts and insight on this.”
And here is an excerpt from her response:
“You know, I completely forgot our conversation from that time, but I guess that comment stemmed from me having 3-6 year long relationships and them not working out. I have always been the person that stayed in monogamous relationships but I was disillusioned from them not lasting. The reason I stayed in them so long is a whole other story…prob fear of things failing and loss of love, etc. However, I am happy in love and want to spend the rest of my life with *****. I pray it lasts forever.”
Her response, and the emotion behind it, warmed my heart so much and helped me to see that behind all the questioning and doubt, I do still believe in monogamy and have the desire for a lifelong partnership of my own. That no matter the doubts I have about it {because I am someone who can’t imagine doing the same thing every day, let alone the same person, ahem, that didn’t come out right}, no matter the high divorce rates, no matter the contradictory beliefs out there…
Deep down inside, I get excited when I hear real love stories and I feel a great sense of joy and inspiration when I see couples happy together.
I’m not saying that it’s wrong if you don’t want a monogamous relationship. What I am saying is don’t allow your past experiences, or someone else’s, dictate what you believe.
Rather, dig down into your soul and discover what makes you light up, what makes your spirit sing. Focus on that vision and allow the details, the how, to unfold naturally.
I just have to add that this exchange gave me warm fuzzies simply because I appreciate the fact that we can openly share with each other without attacking or getting defensive. It would do this world a great deal of good if we all tried to understand one another and embrace differences. Don’t ya think? Thanks again for sharing 🙂
Katarina: I can’t change the fact that monogamy feels like ownership/abuse to me, so this question is moot. Also, I love more than one person. I couldn’t chose between them any more than I could choose which of my children to give up. For some of us, poly works; for as wide a variety of reasons as any type of relationship choice. This isn’t a “harem mentality” as some uninformed persons have suggested to me (due to their moral disapproval). Let me simply say, I’ve survived too much to worry what anybody thinks of my lifestyle choices. I do what… Read more »
W.R.R.~ thanks for sharing your story and insight with us. That’s very courageous and mature of you to acknowledge where your choice comes from. My question then becomes, if you could have a monogamous relationship where you didn’t feel like you were owned, etc., would you want to have one? If you could be with one person and also feel complete and total freedom, would that maybe ideal? And are people, in general, whether in poly relationships or monogamous running away from something they’re afraid of? Or running towards what they want?
I’m a bisexual male in an established poly relationship with one man and one woman (though they choose not to be intimate with each other); we live in the same household with children she and I had, but my male partner helps parent. This works amazingly well for all involved. Due to my issues with extreme childhood sexual abuse, monogamy simply could never work for me. To me, healing from incest abuse where my father raised me to believe I was his slave, so many of the trappings and aspects of monogamy feel too much like being owned. I don’t… Read more »
Because it’s like being hetero, homo, or bisexual. They have labels so that we understand who they really are, and what to expect. Many or even most poly’s were born that way, although some people do experiment. But. It’s not necessarily a choice. Just as a homosexual is involuntarily attracted to persons of the same sex, and may not be able to find total contentment otherwise, a person born poly can try to live momo but may not be able to maintain it long term. It’s involuntary, not malicious. It’s not that they want to be cheaters. They are being… Read more »
Some people are monogamous and this simply have no interest and truly can’t have more than one concurrent relationship. Such also can’t understand why others have trouble not having multiple concurrent relationships.
The reality is that some people are simply poly, including many who ate socialized and shamed into monogamy, being told that they are otherwise cheaters, pigs, etc. However, the facts show that a significant number of men and some women are, by nature, polyamorous. Certainly not all humans but, for a fact, many.
Ya, Eric, maybe the point is that we need not judge each other and people who choose different lifestyles from us. But here’s something else to consider, why do we feel the need to label ourselves? So now people who aren’t interested in monogamous relationships are calling themselves poly. That’s fine, it doesn’t bother me, but it seems to be so limiting. Maybe for a period of life, a person might be “poly”, but then decide at some point that they want a monogamous relationship. Why not just “be”?
Katarina,
Labels, as limiting as they are, help us discuss things. We need them. We can use them and they are shallow and incomplete
Ya, I understand why we have them. I’d just love to see a world without them, or at least, with a lot less of them. As soon as we label ourselves or someone else, it sort of sets up this separation….an us vs. them kind of feeling.