Christian Clifton has a surefire way for men to better understand women. So why isn’t it more popular?
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Standing in line waiting to checkout at the grocery store can be a stunningly boring task, so it’s no wonder they put all those impulse buy items right there. Waiting there, surrounded by things that only under the most desperate of situations would be considered needed, my eyes often wander to scan the latest magazine selections. Cosmopolitan, GQ, Oprah, a few different Something Digest’s, and Maxim wallpaper one side of the tight alley opposite the Slim-Jims and prepaid phone cards.
Skimming the covers and titles of articles held inside my eyes seem to find a few articles that are related. Several of the articles are focused on a subject that most people would love to become experts in; understanding the opposite sex. Both the men’s and women’s magazines seem to love running pieces about this very topic because they know there will be plenty of people who let their curiosity do the purchasing.
The same thing seems prevalent on TV as well. Almost every day I’ll see a commercial for some talk show advertising that the solution to understanding your significant other will be provided if you watch.
The media knows we are preoccupied with trying to understand the opposite sex, always wanting to know more about how they think and act. There isn’t anything unhealthy about this desire for knowledge, having a better grasp on someone as fundamentally different from us as the opposite gender can be a very powerful thing. It can and will make relationships better, both romantic and platonic, and can help to balance a person out. As men, the question isn’t whether we should learn more about the women, it’s how should we go about doing it.
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There is a “simple trick” to women but it isn’t something that tabloids and gossip channels would have you believe. The trick lies in doing one thing over and over. Ask questions. There simply isn’t some way that you can learn to figure her out without ever talking to her.
I know we are all obsessed with getting immediate results and anything that takes longer than “right now” infuriates us. As a society we have grown impatient to the point that if it isn’t easy, it isn’t for us. Guys, this thinking cannot follow us into relationships if we want them to have any substance.
Most of us have heard or voiced the complaint ourselves at times about how hard women can be to understand. They think differently from us, talk differently, and behave in ways that can leave us speechless but that doesn’t mean we can never figure out something about them. We can figure out plenty about just one by living in relationship with her and following the simple rule from above.
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My wife is not always like most women I know. For this I am thankful, but there are times when she will behave in the ways that become lampooned by sitcoms and guys nights alike. There are days when she will throw out the dreaded “fine” response to a question about how she is doing or how she is feeling about something I did. As many men know this one word can bring about more fear than any Freddy or Jason.
It is in the moments when I can tell that my wife is upset that I have a choice to make, the same choice every other man has to make when his significant other is upset. Do I leave it alone or pursue her. It isn’t easy but most of the time it is far better to pursue and get to the bottom of what is going on. This is only accomplished by asking questions and being genuine in a desire for responses beyond “fine”.
It is by asking questions in moments like this that I learn what upsets her whether it was something I did or not. This knowledge allows me to love her better. It also allows me to not make the same mistake again and avoid another uncomfortable conversation, so there can be a little bit of selfishness in it.
The same thing needs to apply to times of joy. Ask questions about how, why, what, when, who and so on. Finding out what makes her happy is just as important as finding out how to avoid pissing her off. Taking an interest in her is one of the easiest ways to make your wife/girlfriend happy.
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There is a small asterisk next to the “one” in our one rule, it also includes being willing to answer when questions are asked. This applies to both men and women, neither one of us is allowed to get away with “fine” as a response to a question (unless you say it with some gusto when she asks how she looks in a new dress, just don’t be blasé with your delivery). I know that these one word responses are almost instinct, but the habit needs to be broken.
Men, when she asks how your day was you have to tell her more than “fine” or “good”. Tell her why it was good, what made it special. Alternatively if it was bad, don’t grunt at her as you walk in the door. If she is asking most likely she wants to know details, and will feel left out if you only share one word of them.
Women also have to be willing to avoid saying “fine”. When we guys ask a question give us a straight answer. We can be pretty rash sometimes and need a little bit more than body language and glances to understand a situation. We want to love you better and to make you happy but you have to help us out sometimes.
We as guys must also learn to practice a little humility in all this. If something feels out do no immediately start trying to figure it out in your head. Don’t start racing your mind trying to think about what made her mad, why she is crying, who is making her smile so much, potentially making her or others the villain when no such blame should be placed. If you don’t know, ASK; if you need help, ASK. I know it goes against most of our instincts as guys but getting the real answer will be better than the hearsay game we play in our minds.
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It might seem simple a task to just start asking more questions but it can be very difficult. I will not play the role of a magazine editor and try to trick you into believing that after reading this article your life will be a thousand times better. No, in fact when you really start to get to know someone else your life tends to have a few more difficulties in it. The reality is that by asking questions and learning about her, you will become closer to your significant other and closeness with people is often messy.
Don’t be afraid of betting messy because when you are doing it with someone you really like or even love it can be one of the most rewarding things in life. Dig deep and show her you really care about stuff she cares about, that you really want to know what is going on in her life. If you need a little more encouragement to consider taking up this task remember that the more loved and cared for your significant other feels the more she will want to love and care for you. So don’t think that doing this won’t bring any good to you, because it will in some pretty awesome ways.
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Photo: theo / flickr
I see you really touched a nerve from the comments but I think you did a really good job! I think asking questions and digging further than “fine” is great and As you said both parties need to take a turn in not answering fine! And you told the truth when you said sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. And the next lesson should be about how men and women should listen to each other! Just listen nothing else there’s an art to listening just like there’s an art to asking questions! and most of us could benefit… Read more »
I’m glad this works for you. I wish it would work better for me. The love of my life gets frustrated when I ask too many questions, and in spite of my willingness to answer, seems horribly reluctant to ask me what I am thinking and feeling, seeming to prefer to think she knows ahead of time and going with her instinct rather than simply asking, Neither my asking and getting no answer, nor her not asking is good for our relationship obviously but I love her like no other and am trying my best to find a communication style… Read more »
I don’t think that sex, on its own, equals intimacy for more than a very small miniority of men. I do however think that most men (probably in larger proportion than women) view sex as an inseparable part of the foundation of intimacy. Maybe that’s where we come off on these diverging paths? The woman thinks that the sex is less fulfilling cause she yearn for more emotional imtimacy, but when she starts to express this, resulting in a less frequent sexlife, the man thinks that the intimacy is already eroded becuase a vital part of the foundation is being… Read more »
This should mention that it’s a guide to relationships that have already started. If you use this to meet people, you’ll just get friendzoned. This is really just a guide to having a friendly relationship with anyone, and assumes that most heterosexual men want that in a female partner (and females want that in a male partner).
I spend time with men who have been communicating (or not) for 20+ yrs with the same woman. They both have entered into destructive communication patterns out of mistrust and resentment. (miscommunication, not caring about how they are perceived, etc) The both want to somehow figure things out so they don’t get divorced. Communication with questions is totally OUT of the question. As Covey says, you can’t talk yourself out of a situation you behaved yourself into. Using a few very important generalizations about men, women, and humans in general, both partners can start thinking and acting in ways to… Read more »
@Steve….
Yes, I agree. Great points, especially the,
“Then they find someone and start over with the same flaws that got them in their last pickle.”
I did split. Subsequent, I also have done extensive work on myself.
The decision I made a few years ago was the right one. I simply felt, correctly I believe, that my ex wife no longer was ‘in love’ with me. I am now in a solid relationship. Also, I am “new and improved” as a man, person, lover, and partner.
Cheers!
Hi Steve
This sounds interesting
You write :
✺”CONSISTENT authentic thoughts and behaviors”✺
Can you give one example of what you describe as authentic though in a marriage conflict ?
Hi Iben, Hope you get this response…it’s been a while since I checked this thread. Yes, one example. Remember, these are for two people who truly do love each other and want to save their relationship AND want to begin changing in ways that PROVE that. For a husband: If his past thoughts and behavior have supported a general feeling/energy of disapproval, criticism, or judgment, he must choose to begin changing his thoughts. On a daily basis he must learn to begin thinking about the positive reasons he loves her. His thoughts must be about how he can behave that… Read more »
Hi Steve
Thank you, these are good advice for all of us .
And here I have something for you. Read ths article and think about marriage and why sometime women end up rejecting their husbands sexually.
What is described here as creepy behavior , can also happen in marriage and explains why women can be turned off, sometimes for ever.
http://jezebel.com/5903883/why-guys-really-hate-being-called-creepy
Hi Iben, I loved the article – ;just as you probably knew I would. The final conclusion is one of the most divisive premises among men. That is, men can and should learn and accept some responsibility for how they can make women feel….or not. Complicated, emotional argument. I work with men who want to accept some of that work as “man’s work”. I understand not everyone feels that way. You may be aware of Esther Perel and her book “Mating in Captivity”. She is brilliant and this video is wonderful. It’s about LOVE vs. DESIRE in committed relationships. I… Read more »
forgot the link. here it is.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/esther-perel/paradox-in-passion_b_4039618.html?utm_hp_ref=tedweekends&ir=TED%20Weekends
If we (men/women) do not get the answers we’re looking for or hoping to get, perhaps, the wrong question s are being asked…
@James…
I think you make a good point.
We should ask the right question(s), then simply see what answers come back, if any. Then we will know. Sometimes James people want a certain answer to come back, regardless if they asked the proper question. Almost like a craving.
That tells me they are not getting the validation they seek.
The women I’ve had intimate relationships with, have been mostly interested in talking about their jobs. Mostly the same story every day, boss sucked, co-workers sucked, customers sucked. Listening to me, or talking about us, our goals in life, what we wanted, never seemed to be important.
Me asking “But how are YOU?” when I thought she was done, would just generate more job-related talk.
@FlyingKal… My ex wife did pretty much the same. There was very little interest in discussing what I wanted to talk about (and no it was not sex). She would talk about all the drama on her job constantly. When she asked me, ‘How was your day?’ and I said, ‘Great I added two new clients!’ she would say ‘Good’. Nothing about the clients. Nothing about how I got them. Only how much $$$$$ would I make from them. The nites I was out networking (usually 2-3 times a week) and came home to talk about some new people and… Read more »
Hi John I see what you try to do here, still I am confused . Are you sure you have all the facts about women, their relationship to their bodies and how our society see women? You see John, a woman IS a body just like a man IS a body. A man can HAVE money but it IS not money. Important distinction. So what you try to do here show that you do not grasp anything about what it is to be a woman. A woman IS a body. Men’s interest in my body started before I was 10… Read more »
Thanks for a good piece of writing, and also thanks for adding the part about it also includes being willing to answer when questions are asked.
A lot of people need to be reminded that just asking/being asked, is not enough to have “communication”.
Well,culturally speaking, pressure to know oneself before getting intimate takes a backseat to many other priorities. In my experience it is more likely self awareness,for most, begins and ends with knowing what one wants in a mate.This is quite different than being fully realized.The article -well written- seemed to assume otherwise.Your not trying to say that the average twenty or thirty year old knows who they are,are you?Besides,many women believe, because they are female, are fully evolved and naturally more evolved than men.Its not that easy. While people are different, there are gender specific characteristics that differentiate men from women.Chemistry… Read more »
@ogwriter… Hey Bro! How are these days? I do hope life (and women too) are treating you well. Btw, did you read the GMP piece on men who are raped? I think I saw you comment. Not sure. What I found most interesting was that the most vocal proponents of rape culture on GMP ( u know whom they are) offered no commentary. Nada. Zippy. Nothing. It merely confirmed what you have been saying for the past two years on GMP: White feminist women simply do not wish to hear anything about women raping men and boys. “Simply asking questions… Read more »
Help me Jules and minster Christian I try to interpret the scripture , and think how can I see if a man is a healthy tree with healthy good fruits? Difficult. Is it what the tree gives,that nourishes like fruit can feed animals and humans. Is it what he produces that is of value and give to eat for all generously. Fruits on a tree is the seeds to many new trees. It is children in a way. It is food, it is beauty, it gives life and help us all survive and be healthy. You see something here Jules,… Read more »
@Iben… Hello! I think the essence of this scripture pertains to knowing how to detect false prophets. Or ‘the sheep in wolf clothing’. You must watch what people DO Iben. Man or woman. If a married man says he is a family man, yet is out drinking in the bars and chasing women until 3:00 am, then I would say he is probably a tree that needs cutting down and tossing in the fire. Look closely at how he treats his children, his wife or girlfriend. One of things I really do not like to see is when there is… Read more »
This is an excellent article and a good reminder for all of us. Loving someone means being interested in them, surely? Otherwise, what’s it all about?
I have a wonderful man that is curious and interested. He’s unbeatable. It does make a huge difference.
If you want a woman (or man, for that matter) that you have to live your life like an investigator, then I guess that’s the kind of partner you’re gonna seek out and find. As for me, I want a woman who knows how to answer a question honestly. If she asks me what I where I want to eat, then says no to all the places I suggest, I tell her straight up, don’t go asking me anymore if you already have a spot in mind and are going to reject all my suggestions. If you tell me you’re… Read more »
Hi Reggie
I was interesting to read your comment.
women that you describe this way:
✺”She thinks she has a right to my money (happens a LOT)
Snoops in my phone/wallet/drawers (almost all the women I been with tried or asked to read my texts, e-mails, and see in my wallet. If they throw a fit when I say no, they get the boot)”✺
Weird women , where do you find them?
When I was going to college, had lots of them. Out of college:grocery store, internet . . . just random encounters in life, feel me? Found more than a few in the clubs.
@Reggie…
I don’t feel you Bro. Sorry.
I am a firm believer in the mantra of “water seeks it own level.”
I am not trying to impugn your character. However, if these are the types of women you are constantly running into, then you need to start looking at and engaging different kinds women.
Reggie I agree with you you keep making the same poor choices time to do some internal inner psychological work to figure out why one keeps make poor choices.
I don’t think it was your intention, but it seemed like you stereotyped women in this. Lots of men are like this as well. But I do agree that people – men and women alike – who are like that are not worth a good person’s time or energy, though I believe that some of these things can be worked out before you immediately give that person “the boot.”
“I don’t think it was your intention, but it seemed like you stereotyped women in this. Lots of men are like this as well. But I do agree that people – men and women alike – who are like that are not worth a good person’s time or energy” I was speaking as a heterosexual male. I don’t date men, though I did mention men as well, whichever you happen to be dating. Also, the article was in reference to how we behave and react toward women. I was generously going off topic when I inserted males in my comment.… Read more »
Hey Reggie – I don’t think it’s about living your life as an “investigator”. The truth is that people don’t always know how to communicate. And not because they want to manipulate or play head-games. Miscommunication and misunderstanding are huge issues in relationships. Now, if you only date women that are the most fabulous of communicators, and you are yourself. Bravo. But I know for myself, that I do not always express myself perfectly and I know that the men I’ve dated don’t either. So we do the best we can and we try to learn to do better in… Read more »
“If you keep running into women that believe they have a right to your money, then you may believe your money is more worthwhile then you are. I see a lot of guys that enjoy flashing their cash, enjoy flashing their fancy cars and their job status but then turn around and get upset when women also enjoy these aspects of them. Now I don’t know if that’s your situation, however, usually the men that have experience the most issues with being used for their money, are men who also greatly value money themselves. ” I agree with this Erin.… Read more »
John This is hard to express. And I am unclear. I try one more time: He can HAVE money, but it not what he IS. He can never BE money. Even though some are so filthy rich that we can see them as being money, men are still only a body ,but he can have money,wealth, expensive cars. A women IS A BODY just like a man IS a body. For some reason that gives most men and women different experiences every day of our life. Just like a black man go through life with different experiences than an Asian… Read more »
Yeah Iben you also will never know how it feels to be a man, so how about shut up
@John…
Hey John! You don’t tell her to shut up. Who the fuck do you think you are ,anyway? Get a grip Bro!
She, like any other person here, was expressing her viewpoint. This is how we grow and learn from one another. It’s called the free flow of ideas.
Is this how you treat your women when they utter something you find unpleasant?
Hi Jules
A warm hug and lots of love 🙂
While a “shut up” isn’t warranted, it’s cynical that people don’t point out the constant sexist and denigrating comments towards men Iben makes (as proven a few times in this thread already).
Maybe he’s a ‘Stud’? Seriously, I’ve had a few guy acquaintances in my life who fit the ‘Stud’ role and they had this bevy of ‘F.W.B.’s’ who would look them up when they craved a ‘certain something’.
@Reggie.. “Know how to communicate, not expect me to read her mind.” Do you know how to read her body language? As I stated above, 80% of communication is non-verbal. I respect your decision to avoid serious relationships. They are certainly not for everyone. In America, due to increasing levels of narcicissim, it has now become “all about me.” Even therapist go around advocating how it is so important to focus on self. Well, I reject this kind of thinking. If all you make a priority is YOU, then others will NEVER matter to you. You have to be prepared… Read more »
@Reggie,
I want to add one more thing.
Women have much much more to offer a man than just sex. I love women. But, I simply prefer one great one!
Typo
She is fed up.
Hi Christian Thank you for your good advic. This is the delicate issue of intimacy. You ask why not so popular among men to ask women about how they feel, what they love… Is it possible that for many men, their attitude is that intimacy = sex, and not talking? It seems to be their preferred way of being close. But sex alone will not teach you much about the other person and how to develop the relationship. Why is it that when a woman leaves a man ,he is often surprised and have no idea why she is so… Read more »
@Iben…. Hello Iben. Hope all is well! You write, “… have no idea why she is so fed that that she initiates a divorce?” Yes, there are women who are certainly fed up with their partners. But, there are also many women who have just grown bored with their guy. So, the problem is not really the man. It is her! As ogwriter stated above, too many women have this ‘SAY one thing and DO another thing” mentality. Frankly, I think most men have grown tired of it. This in turn has led to many men “opting out”, going their… Read more »
Hi Jules Thank you for your kind words. I agree with you that sometimes it is the woman that is the problem in a relationship. Lately I have been upset by how two of my women friends talk to their husbands, and then tell me how they hate to be married to him. I took a break in my friendship with those women. I suspect those women suffers from “the burn out syndrome “so I must learn to forgive. Burnout makes a person nasty, and I hope it can he cured. You write: ✺”Men know what intimacy is Iben”✺ Yes… Read more »
@ ogwriter: The thing is, I hear woman all the time complaining about “how men are,” and men complaining about “how women are,” when it’s clear in all cases that they’re talking about a specific string of men or women that they have been in relationships with. They get attracted to certain personality types and characteristics, then blame the entire gender when they see commonalities across that set of people that they’ve decided to go out with. I’m not saying “Try harder to understand us.” I’m saying, don’t stay with a woman you don’t respect and who frustrates the hell… Read more »
While we are all unique little snowflakes, there are common generalities between men and women that resonate so cleary because they are infact…pretty common to the general experience of men and women. Now that doesn’t mean we don’t have individuality or shouldn’t approach our relationships as individuals with individuality . But I find that it is not just a set of people with the same personality types or characterisitics. Infact, many of the women I talk to are very different, as our their partners, but there are strong gender commonalties that strongly resonate between all of us. So I don’t… Read more »
Simply attempting to get to know her is of little use…if she doesn’t first know herself. I have been in countless relationships where the woman says one thing,then behaves in a completely contradictory fashion. When I, with frustration question her inconsistency,she says,”…but I DIDN’T KNOW I WOULD FEEL THAT WAY.” If one wants to be understood they must first know themselves. Secondarily,they must have integrity of personality and…be consistent and take responsibility when they are not. The you don’t understand me train because you don’t try hard enough has left the station.
Speak that Beautiful TRUTH Brother!
No truer words….well said. This goes both ways also. Plenty of men who don’t know themselves out there.
This piece is HUGELY annoying in its gender essentialism but I think the author’s onto the right tack, which is not simply—ask your woman questions. Rather, it’s—treat her like a person, not like a gender. That is, don’t assume to know ANYTHING about her because you “know” that thing about women. All the things you think you know will likely blind you a more important fact, which is that the dynamic between any two people is totally unique, and you need to learn to be aware of that exchange, not fit it into some predetermined mold. So what I’m saying… Read more »
Agreed Samantha. The magazines by the grocery check-out aren’t about “understanding the opposite sex” – they are about normalizing cultural behaviours based on outdated power and economic relationships between genders – and in the midst of a gender backlash. I fully expected this writer to suggest as his “one rule” that men in the line up look at those endless headlines on women’s magazines about getting thinner, being a better sex performer and “keeping him interested” and to consider how it might feel to be the targeted reader/viewer of such messages – CONSTANTLY. (And women can/should consider the repercussions of… Read more »