Adam Gilad says that verbalizing your sexual intent early on in your relationship is a win-win situation for all involved.
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Several years ago, I met a woman online who I thought I could and would marry.
She was beautiful and cultured, warm, witty, a PhD psychologist with a beautiful and generous heart.
Our first date went magnificently as we discovered shared passions and favorite authors and a shared vision for a life of spiritual and physical adventure. Within hours, we found each other in each other’s arms, making out.
That is when I stopped, pulled back and told her…
“We’re not going to have sex.”
She blinked at me like one of those characters in an old Warner Bros. cartoon – and I half-expected to hear that old familiar accompanying Bugs Bunny ploink-ploink of a high piano key.
I continued…
“We’re not going to have sex until we can look in each other’s eyes and say, ‘I love you’ and mean it from the depths of our hearts.”
I could practically feel the heat of her yearning hit me like a wall of fire as she realized what I was saying.
I was saying – I value you so much that I don’t want to waste our first time having sex in a moment of anything less than love.
I was saying – I want our connection to be set sweetly inside a woven nest of love.
I was saying that my goal was to know her, and not just get into her alluringly hip-hugging pants.
The fire of our mutual attraction was volcanic, and I wanted it channeled, so it could fuel something that could last forever rather than that simply pop its top – and dissipate.
There is an important lesson here.
Men…
Women on a first date don’t know you.
Especially if they met you online.
They don’t know if you’re a fetishist, a hothead, a raging egotist, a perv, a player or an insensitive jerk. In other words – they don’t know yet if they are safe.
What they DO know is that you probably want her sexually, if not during appetizers, then by the end of the night. Certainly at the end of the mythical “third date.”
So if you meet a woman who you think is a “keeper,” the kind of woman with whom you might want to build not a mere pile of sweaty sheets in the morning, but a lifetime (of sweaty sheets J) and happy memories, then let her know where your priorities are from the start.
I’ve adapted this teaching in my coaching practice for those of my clients who are genuinely seeking a life partner.
Try a version of this on a first date…
“I want to say something so we can just relax and discover who each other really are. Though I find you wildly attractive and sexy, I’m not going to try to kiss you tonight or take you home or even elope to Vegas. Tonight is just an opportunity for us to share our truths, our visions, what we want to create in this life – and to see if we inspire each other, even a little. So if I don’t “make a move” or try to kiss you, please know it’s not because I don’t want to, but I want to save that first kiss – if this ends up begin what I hope it will be – for when we feel truly connected.”
The primary goal with words like these is to take sex off the table on a first date (and from underneath it, too).
It shows that you’re not a Grabby McGrabster, not a predator, not needy, not trying to simply “score.”
It allows her to relax.
It shows that you actually care about who she is and whether you two match up in your concerns, passions and vision of a life.
The bit about Vegas? Well, a little humor goes a long way in letting everyone relax.
And it happens to be about the most romantic thing you can say to a woman you genuinely consider might be a lifetime partner.
That said, I want to add two caveats…
- don’t say it as a way to “seem” romantic then get her into bed on the second date!
- If you promise no attempt to kiss on the first date, keep your word.
You have the chance to show that you are serious about the human being she is, as well as showing that you have standards that you want to see if she meets.
And you thereby become the kind of man who is not an opportunist, but rather who knows how to make the most of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Happy dating!
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Adam Gilad is a noted author, coach and leader in the dating advice industry. You can read more about him and get his free newsletter at www.AdamGilad.com
Photo courtesy of BigStockPhoto.com
Kinda creepy Imo. I am assuming this advice only applies for men who fallow this odd sex = love mentality? Or men who do want sex but are willing to surpress your sexual desire and take sex off the table to relax your date. (How’s this not manipulation?)
Anyway what’s the advice to someone who wants to have nasty nasty sex with his date and be honest?
I like the article, it makes sense, the first date always those butterflies inside, afraid of the unknown, of what might happen, to make a mistake. Found interesting your point of view on this subject. Thanks for sharing.
I did this on a second date when he brought up the physical aspects of a relationship. The man that I had seen was telling me that he was interested in a long-term thing. I told him that I was also but from past experiences with other men I had met online it seemed that everyone wanted this but no one wanted to put the time in to build it. However I told him I would not pin my past experiences on his lapel because he was a fresh guy. He said that he believed sex should just happen naturally… Read more »
So you’re going to wait 6+ months for bad sex?
No one suggested 6 months! Anyway, why might it may be” bad” sex?
What a load of crap. I second what Erica says
This is very romantic, but it is written under the assumption that all women want this kind of approach. Some of us actually want to have sex on the first or second date and dropping a kind of thing like waiting and even the word love and serious commitment could very well come off as creepy and too much. If you both want to have sex, have sex! It isn’t going to get in the way of a good relationship that leads to a serious lifetime thing. There are many other things that make or break it, very rarely it… Read more »
You can’t walk into a date presuming that she’s wanting to have sex. If you want to refuse, wait until the moment arises and respectfully decline. It’s not your right to decide if sex is in the cards or not.
“You can’t walk into a date presuming that she’s wanting to have sex. If you want to refuse, wait until the moment arises and respectfully decline”-Josh, you stole the words right out of my mouth. Telling me flat out, “we’re not going to have sex” makes the bold assumption that I was planning to have sex..and we all know what happens when you assume. The author says : Within hours, we found each other in each other’s arms, making out. That is when I stopped, pulled back and told her…“We’re not going to have sex.” Isn’t it possible that all… Read more »
Far from attractive, i find this whole article pretty creepy and presumptuous. Can u imagine hearing someone say this crap in reall life? So weird.
Hi Will
I disagree.
If men and women behaved like this lots of emotional damage would be prevented and maybe some abortions as well…….
I think the advice is great!
I agree, I would find this to be kind of a weird comment on a first date and it might sound a bit fake or contrived, like a bad “line”, even though I appreciate the sentiment (Personally I do not like to have sex with someone until I get to know him, so first date sex is not going to happen with me). I think if you want to be a gentleman then you don’t pressure your date for immediate sex but you end the date by saying “want to get together again?” so it is clear you are interested.
One more thought: That phrase, “we’re not going to have sex”, does come across as if the man assumes he has more control over it than she does. If the guy would rather not have sex yet (or ever), I would much rather hear him say “I don’t want to” or “I’m not ready”.
See, someone saying that on a first date would make me uncomfortable. I think it’s how he says “we’re not going to have sex.” As if he gets to decide that for her. Also, what if the woman wanted to have sex? Or what if she was just content to make out and he didn’t need to say that whole schpiel? If he said something like “Hey, I really like you, but I want to wait a little more and get to know you personally before getting physical,” that’s something I would respect and appreciate. But none of the “we’re… Read more »
I agree. (I’m a woman, figured I should say that since my name is unisex.) I do agree that most women think about safety and the possibility of being pressured sexually on an early date. But I think Celina’s tone is much better. It doesn’t presume anything about the woman’s sexual preferences or habits. I would almost be more interested in hearing advice for men on how to ask a woman on a first date if she does want to have sex, without being vulgar or pressurey.
You are perfectly within your rights to refuse to have sex at the first date or the nth date for any specific number n. And never let anybody tell you differently! That being said: It shows that you’re not a Grabby McGrabster, not a predator, not needy, not trying to simply “score.” This is the wrong reason for it. First of all, it is insincere. It is an act. A performance to show her you are one of the good men, not like all the other pigs and dogs she has been meeting so far. Because everybody knows that if… Read more »
Agreed – this is codified nonsense. Proof that you’re not a predator is not evidenced by not wanting to have sex on the first date, for a host of reasons, least of all being that a true predator would adapt to this strategy in a heartbeat.
Would proof that you are not a gold digger be evidenced by sharing the tab of the first date?
I don’t get your response Theorema. What is wrong with a man showing a woman through his actions that he is not trying to just have sex at the end of a nice date? What is insincere about showing a woman through your actions that you want to take things slow? That you value her? It doesn’t make someone insincere to want to have sex, but control the impluse to have it right at that moment. I’ll be perfectly honest, I thought this piece was EXCELLENT. I am so tired of having to be the sexual gate-keeper. I always have… Read more »
It is insincere if it is just an act — if he would actually love to have sex with her, but deliberately claims not to in order to prove he is of “high value” and better than other men. He did not say it like that in so many words, but it was the vibe I got. If he prefers to wait, for his own emotional sake, that is great! If I find myself dating again I guess I will also prefer to take things slightly slower. But not if it is just to satisfy some societal expectation.
How do you define what “just an act” is. I don’t think it’s an “act” to want to do something but use some self-restraint until a later time. I love to shop. But I practice self-restrait because other things are often more important then shopping. Proving my commitment to my career, education, family or friends is more important then shopping. There are many times while I’ve been at work when I’ve said, “I just want to go shopping”. But I don’t! Because work is more important and it’s important to show my boss my commitment to my work through my… Read more »
I would love for a women to just freely offer blow jobs.
Oddly unlike you I don’t get frustrated when the opposite sex fails to behave like I would prefer they did.
Yes I agree, and so is the predator/hound dog meme. And so is your personal favorite that men only care, or care far too much about a woman’s looks. Male status (gold digger) and a woman’s physical beauty (shallow hound dog) are the flip side of the same coin – so feel free to not blow your favorite out of proportion either….
“Shallow hound dog” sounds like a knock-off to an Elvis Presley song. I like my term better – Looks-Digger. Sounds more comparable then your term. We don’t call men looks-diggers because we culturally accept and generically support men, no matter their own looks, seeking out the most attractive women they can. Men measure each other’s worth, to some scale, by the attractiveness of their female partners. He’s a bigger stud the hotter his partner is. That’s not the same dichotomy that plays out when women are with men with lots of money. We automatically assume the worst of women with… Read more »
I think you’re watching far too much television and conflating it with real life, as you tend to do with the likes of video games, porn and the Walking Dead – I’m waiting patiently for racist Zombies to make an appearance. Most paired men and women match up pretty well on physical attractiveness and status of wealth and class. What is talked about on blogs, television and Jezebel is white noise. The media caters to wishes and fantasies, shopping sprees, shoes, sex in elevators, fast cars, heroes and villains, nymphs and virgins and super models. Most people are none of… Read more »
Hi Elissa
If Erin’s comments are misplaced and off base then read the article here on GMP
by T.G.Fiffer
“Want to understand men? Read tḧis”.
I look forward to see you debate with Fiffer about this.
Considering your hangup about male sexuality I am not surprised that you approve of a message that takes sex off the table. I am surprised that you don’t recognize this as manipulation. Also a little surprised that you recognize yourself as being the sexual gate keeper. You have an interesting issue. Men always wanting to get in to your pants is not doubt frustrating but comes off as a rich person complaining about how heavy there wallet is. I wonder if prostitution would fix your issue. If a man just wanted sex he could just go get it but if… Read more »
I think you nailed it.
This advice feels dishonest and the going into how this manipulates the women in to feeling safer smacks of pick up artists.
I have never in my life read something like this. Deeply thouggtful and just brilliant!!!
Well, I enjoyed the article.
Thank you for more of your insightful, mature perspective. After going through your GGP and living it since, I can appreciate your message much better, even though at first it was far beyond comprehension. It’s almost not fair to share since your lessons come from years and years of experience, reflection, and growth and some might be too immature to receive your perspective, like I was when I started your program. However, from your teaching and my experience, you’re right on the money and you come from a beautiful place in terms of how you describe people and your world.