There’s a Reason Why So Many Dating Bloggers Are Single

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About Moxie

Moxie is a writer and entrepreneur who lives in Manhattan. Her website, AndThatsWhyYoureSingle.com, not only offers social events and teleclasses for single professionals but also provides compelling, thought provoking commentary on the ever rapidly changing dating landscape. A leader in the dating niche for almost 7 years, she offers the thought-leadership of Steve Jobs, the provocative opinions of Madonna and the wit of Kathy Griffin. Follow her on Twitter @ATWYSBlog.

Comments

  1. I am so totally realizing that some things need to be kept private and off-line.

    The days of privacy are gone, but it’s up to me to set my own boundaries on how far
    I will go to share my private life in stories that I write, and it’s a very personal decision
    for me, but one that I take very seriously.

    Thanks for your article. Enjoyed it.

  2. It sound like something that elementary school kids do. I have never been a fan, do not have a twitter or face book account.

  3. A guy I knew in 8th grade said he was going to become a writer when he grew up…I asked if he meant journalism….he said “no”….I think he said he wanted to be a novelist….At the time I didn’t realize what that meant when we became friends and went on 2 dates (ice skating and a movie)….I realized I didn’t really like him and said “no” when he asked to “go steady”….plus I felt that he was bragging to everyone that we were “going out” when I felt that we were just friends….

    3 decades later, I found out at reunion that he did become a writer and wrote a memoir about growing up….some girls (including me!) were included in his narcissistic, mean and Machiavellian memoir ….Awful! (Thank goodness the book is only selling for 1 cent on Amazon!)….Needless to say, I prefer a guy who does not overshare and is DISCREET!!

  4. Great piece and plenty here that I have learned the hard way.
    Radical honesty is a the core of good writing. But in memoir the first rule of goodness is: above all do no harm.

  5. I am skeptical of the notion that blogging, writing, or talking openly about one’s sexual and/or romantic life is a relationship-killer.

    I’ve been talking about my sex and relationship life, often in detail, online since 1993, and it has not been my experience at all that doing this is something that will chase away romantic partners. Rather, just the opposite; I am polyamorous and am currently in a number of long-term, stable relationships.

    I think there’s something else at work; namely, it’s not what you say so much as how you say it. You can talk about sex and relationships openly and honestly, and still do it with compassion and with respect toward your partners.

    I’ve seen a lot of sex bloggers fall short on that measure. When you first start blogging about sex, especially if you’re unaccustomed to having the freedom to be able to talk openly about personal subjects, there can be an impulse to treat it like the proverbial kid in the candy store; how many blog posts have we seen where a blogger has sex with a partner and then writes about how the sex was meh, even though there was this one bit where the person did that amazing thing with their tongue…but on the whole, you really wish that person could do the Monkey With Lotus Blossom and Chainsaw thing as well as that other person you broke up with last year?

    Writing something like that isn’t really terribly compassionate. It doesn’t make last night’s partner feel cherished and respected. That, in my experience, is what matters, far more than what details of the sexual encounter were revealed. People like being made to feel respected and cherished by their partners; they don’t like being made to feel like gossip fodder. The particular details of what’s discussed are less important.

    You can talk about anything–food, going to the movies, sharing a vacation–in a way that makes the person you did it with feel like nothing more than fodder for a juicy blog post, and that’s likely to scare folks off, even if not a single “private” detail is revealed.

    • I think there’s something else at work; namely, it’s not what you say so much as how you say it.

      Absolutely. That’s an important distinction that I tried to make in the piece. I submitted a longer version, where I discussed my relationship and how I introduced the writing and handled the public versus private issue as the relationship progressed. That part had been edited out for length purposes.

      It is all about the context, more so than the content.

      Many bloggers – myself included – use or have used their blogs as “selling points.” They think that all the dates/sex they’ve had or their opinions about sex and basically how different they are sets them apart from others. That’s why bloggers often say that they “accidentally” revealed their blog to someone. It wasn’t an accident. They wanted that person to read it because the persona they’ve created online – to them – is far more appealing than their real life persona.

      there can be an impulse to treat it like the proverbial kid in the candy store; how many blog posts have we seen where a blogger has sex with a partner and then writes about how the sex was meh, even though there was this one bit where the person did that amazing thing with their tongue…but on the whole, you really wish that person could do the Monkey With Lotus Blossom and Chainsaw thing as well as that other person you broke up with last year?

      The greatest mistake we bloggers make is falling in to a habit of using false bravado. We do it, and I’m spitballing here, to rationalize or justify why nothing works out. Most bloggers want everybody to believe that they were the one to walk away first. When really, the other person just stopped engaging and the blogger had no other choice but to take their toys and go home.

      You can talk about anything–food, going to the movies, sharing a vacation–in a way that makes the person you did it with feel like nothing more than fodder for a juicy blog post, and that’s likely to scare folks off, even if not a single “private” detail is revealed.

      Exactly. When you start to dehumanize and objectify people, that’s when you go down the wrong road. That’s when potential dates get concerned. It’s not what you’re sharing, it’s the reason behind why you’re sharing it that concerns them as well as the possible lack of boundaries. Your average person on Match.com or OKCupid or that you met at a party is not going to get why you feel the need to broadcast all your exploits. We tend to assume that because we have taken to social media, every has. And that’s not the case.

  6. Like the old slogan for gun control goes, social media does not kill relationships. People kill relationships. Social Media is just one weapon that enables us to do so.
    For some reason when I got to this (but before reading the slogan you did use) I thought, “If social media is outlawed then only outlaws will have social media?”.

  7. I have noticed that many bloggers seem to lack a certain self-awareness. They apparently don’t read past posts and can’t see how the decisions they made led them to still be single in their thirties.

    I’m trying to not fall into that trap. I use my blog to get outside opinions on my life, as well as improve my writing and keep my life in perspective by keeping a record of how its going. I blog under a fake name and haven’t given anyone I know that link to the blog. If anyone asks, I’ll never admit that it’s me.

    I think sharing a little is okay if you keep the blog anonymous and use the blog to more accurately see who you are.

  8. Wonderful post. “I’m not sure how women feel about being discussed on a blog or via Twitter or Facebook. But I do know how many men feel. Unsettled. Afraid.” Well, To me, as a female, it also makes me feel Unsettled. Afraid.

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