When I first read Jimmy’s post questioning whether Twitter had become the new relationship killer I said aloud, “Yes.” After some thought I realized that that’s not totally accurate. Like the old slogan for gun control goes, social media does not kill relationships. People kill relationships. Social Media is just one weapon that enables us to do so.
Due to my own self-focus and emotional immaturity, I never gave much thought to what sharing the inner workings of my personal life on my dating blog could do to a relationship. There were one or two very Good Men that I lost by spread eagling myself on the a blog. I said what so many bloggers say. “The right person will understand and support my writing.” Not so oddly enough, that guy never seemed to appear. I had met a lot of men during this time. Most punched out the minute they were discussed on my blog. I had actually deluded myself into believing that they either would never read it or, get this, be flattered. The ones that did get a vicarious thrill from being mentioned on a popular blog stayed around far longer than they should, compounding my dependency on oversharing.
That’s another, more personal, downside of discussing your private life publicly. You make yourself so vulnerable and raw that you’re spoon-feeding people—with not so great intentions—ammunition to use against you. Let me assure you that when that happens, and you finally connect the dots like Chazz Palminteri did in The Usual Suspects, you hate yourself for being so desperate to believe.
I’m not sure how women feel about being discussed on a blog or via Twitter or Facebook. But I do know how many men feel. Unsettled. Afraid.
Violated.
That’s not the type of vulnerability that enhances a relationship. That’s the type that kills it. Whether it’s anonymous or not, few men want to be subjected to criticism from a bunch of avatars. As I said to Jimmy, it’s even worse for some women. The typical dating or relationship blog audience is heavily comprised of other females. It’s one thing for us to know a man might be talking about us with his guy friends. The thought of him sharing anything too personal with a female friend causes some of us a much deeper sense of shame and betrayal.
The point of a relationship is to have each other’s back. If you’re throwing your partner under the bus every other day via Social Media, even good naturedly, you’re chipping away at the trust and intimacy that you and they have built. There are not many men who will willingly participate in such a relationship. What men look for when choosing a partner, among other things, is whether or not that woman is “safe.” Is she someone with whom he can let down his guard without judgment and be met with nurturing and support? If she’s someone who runs to the Internet to broadcast her disappointments and frustrations, she’s considered by many men to be high risk.
There’s a reason why many dating bloggers are single and appear to live some sort of Groundhog Day inspired life, reliving every date over and over again and never getting past a certain point. It’s just a series of dramas and conflict and faux introspection. Self-awareness is non-existent. There’s little room for growth or genuine introspection when you immerse yourself in an echo chamber. Social Media has allowed us to live as one-dimensional characters in a reality TV show. When you have an audience of people agreeing with you, you tend to believe the narrative that you have created in your head. Only that storyline rarely reflects real life. Not only do your readers or followers concur with your observations and updates, but some also encourage you to continue deluding yourself for their personal enjoyment.
Something else I never considered when I was in full-on oversharing mode was that everything I said and everyone with whom I communicated was public. Shocking, right? What seemed innocent to me could be perceived as a threat. Such as “twirting” (twitter flirting) with the opposite sex. In the moment, you don’t think about who is watching. But if any of you have dated someone who asked you who that person was who was frequently liking your statuses or posting on your wall, you quickly realize that you have no control over how someone interprets these public conversations. If you don’t get a hold of it, those tiny things can spiral out of control.
In my opinion, the greatest impact that Social Media has had on relationships is that it has redefined intimacy and enabled our self-obsession. The line between personal and private has been blurred. It’s difficult to care if what you say in a Tweet bothers your partner when all you can think about is getting Re-tweeted or Liked. What used to be considered somewhat sacred is now frequently used for fodder.
It’s such a simple concept that it’s baffling how we can even try to argue it. Ready? Wait for it …
Some things are private.
Establishing healthy boundaries is one of the cornerstones of emotional intimacy. That means keeping certain things off line.
—Photo Victor1558/Flickr
The reason why Moxie is single is because she is totally clueless about what it means to be a really great wife and how to love a man the way he needs to be loved.
Not to mention she obviously wants to be eternally single and childless and have no legacy.
I know of many professional bloggers who are very happily married with children.
Someone who wants to be single, will be and should be. Someone who doesn’t want to be single, doesn’t have to be.
Wonderful post. “I’m not sure how women feel about being discussed on a blog or via Twitter or Facebook. But I do know how many men feel. Unsettled. Afraid.” Well, To me, as a female, it also makes me feel Unsettled. Afraid.
I have noticed that many bloggers seem to lack a certain self-awareness. They apparently don’t read past posts and can’t see how the decisions they made led them to still be single in their thirties. I’m trying to not fall into that trap. I use my blog to get outside opinions on my life, as well as improve my writing and keep my life in perspective by keeping a record of how its going. I blog under a fake name and haven’t given anyone I know that link to the blog. If anyone asks, I’ll never admit that it’s me.… Read more »
Like the old slogan for gun control goes, social media does not kill relationships. People kill relationships. Social Media is just one weapon that enables us to do so.
For some reason when I got to this (but before reading the slogan you did use) I thought, “If social media is outlawed then only outlaws will have social media?”.
I am skeptical of the notion that blogging, writing, or talking openly about one’s sexual and/or romantic life is a relationship-killer. I’ve been talking about my sex and relationship life, often in detail, online since 1993, and it has not been my experience at all that doing this is something that will chase away romantic partners. Rather, just the opposite; I am polyamorous and am currently in a number of long-term, stable relationships. I think there’s something else at work; namely, it’s not what you say so much as how you say it. You can talk about sex and relationships… Read more »
I think there’s something else at work; namely, it’s not what you say so much as how you say it. Absolutely. That’s an important distinction that I tried to make in the piece. I submitted a longer version, where I discussed my relationship and how I introduced the writing and handled the public versus private issue as the relationship progressed. That part had been edited out for length purposes. It is all about the context, more so than the content. Many bloggers – myself included – use or have used their blogs as “selling points.” They think that all the… Read more »
Typical anecdotal rebuttal. It is one of the most common fallacies online.
Here’s how it goes: someone wrote an article, establishing certain observations, experiences or consequences of certain actions. Someone comes out with a rebuttal, based SOLELY on their own experience, or on the experience of someone they know, and this person expects us to take that as a legitimate rebuttal to whatever it is that was written in the article.
Well, the truth is, if you look for anecdotes you will always find them. But for all intents and purposes, they are useless rebuttals.
Great piece and plenty here that I have learned the hard way.
Radical honesty is a the core of good writing. But in memoir the first rule of goodness is: above all do no harm.
A guy I knew in 8th grade said he was going to become a writer when he grew up…I asked if he meant journalism….he said “no”….I think he said he wanted to be a novelist….At the time I didn’t realize what that meant when we became friends and went on 2 dates (ice skating and a movie)….I realized I didn’t really like him and said “no” when he asked to “go steady”….plus I felt that he was bragging to everyone that we were “going out” when I felt that we were just friends…. 3 decades later, I found out at… Read more »
It sound like something that elementary school kids do. I have never been a fan, do not have a twitter or face book account.
I am so totally realizing that some things need to be kept private and off-line.
The days of privacy are gone, but it’s up to me to set my own boundaries on how far
I will go to share my private life in stories that I write, and it’s a very personal decision
for me, but one that I take very seriously.
Thanks for your article. Enjoyed it.