A man wonders whether he should pursue a long-distance relationship, or if it would be better to cut his losses.
Originally appeared at She Said He Said
Dear Sexes: How do you determine when to pursue a long distance relationship? I find myself wondering if it’s better to cut my losses or take the plunge.
She Said: Long distance relationships can be amazing. One reason is that you get a lot of freedom and time alone, if that’s what you like. If you’re not so into that, you can try to grow into it, and you’ll probably find yourself more independent, which can be helpful in any relationship.
However, part of the allure of long distance love is the distance itself. It can be a way of shielding your heart, of keeping the worst parts of yourself away from the eyes of your partner. That can be fine if you want something shallow, but as far as real love and growth, you need to check in with yourself and be sure that you’re being completely honest, open and unguarded.
The other downfall of the long distance relationship is the reverse of what I just said: You might only get to see the best of your partner. You both save up all your best energy and love for one another, and the reunion sex and excitement is so huge, that you don’t really get to that deep, everyday, sometimes-ugly level of intimacy.
But people do it, and it works. The trick is to stay true to yourself and your partner, and to be sure you’re in it for the right reasons.
He Said: Long distance relationships are hard, so I just made you a checklist:
Long Distance Relationship Survival Guide (A Checklist of Must Haves)*:
- Money (or organization/budgeting skills). If you want to see your long distance love, you’ll need to work it into your schedules. Start getting used to extended travel via planes, trains, buses, and/or road trips in cars. You may also want to change your phone plan, if you don’t already have unlimited minutes.
- Self-Restraint. Being far away from your partner, if you’re a sort of “out of sight, out of mind” kind of person, you may be tempted by others in front of you. You can be faithful, but you’ll have to be strong.
- Technological Fluency. Calls, emails, and texts are fine, but sometimes a face is required. You may want/need to get your skype or google plus chat on!
- No-holds-barred spirit. You’re gonna have to be extra adventurous and creative. If love letters cheese you out, or if phone sex creeps you out, you should probably just pursue a relationship with someone in a city near you.
- Adaptability. Sometimes your visits won’t go the way you planned. Occasionally, busy schedules will force a change in itinerary. Your time (face to face) will be compressed. The pressure will be on. You’ll have to stay level headed. The last thing you want to do is spend your all your face time arguing. Also, eventually (if you want to take this relationship to the next level) one of you will have to move (your belongings, your heart, and your life) to a new city, so you can share love every day, face to face.
*The above items are listed in no particular order.
The newer your relationship, the more difficult it will be to maintain as a long distance relationship.
Ultimately, (like any relationship) you’ll have to answer yourself two questions: 1. Are your needs being fulfilled? 2. Is this relationship worth the work you’re putting in? If you can answer those questions with an unequivocal and unflinching “yes!”, you’ll be fine. Just keep that survival guide in mind. Adventure on!
About She Said He Said
Most long distance relationships that don’t work are ones where one partner really just doesn’t want to be participating. It’s so hard to break up that most people will end up messing up even harder by cheating and really hurting someone they care about. You can use all the tricks in the book but that’s what it really comes down to imo.
I have first-hand experience in this, so I would say I know how to make a LDR work. Backstory first, my wife and I met when I was 19, she 21, at my college where she was studying abroad from the UK. We began dating and when time came for her to return home, we had spent about a full year together, living together in my apartment 5-6 days a week. We loved each other and decided to stay together, so we endured several years of obtaining student and work visas to go spend 3 or 6 months stretches together in one place or the other. After she graduated she moved to US while I finished my last 2 years of school. We married, I was 23 she 26.
What is the most important part that I can remember in how we made this work, is that at no point did we question how we felt and if there was doubt, it did not enter into the conversation during the times we were together. I think we both understood that there may have been things that happened while we were apart that might create that doubt, needlessly, so neither of us gave much of a thought to what each other got up to while apart. Did she maybe have a fling or two? Possibly, but did I ask, do I care? Not really. If there was someone else in the picture that made us question the relationship, it would come out, so we took the position that what does not change the course does not warrant investigation. Would we still be together if I had confessed to hooking up with a few girls during those down times in college? Maybe not, because that could have created a doubt in the relationship that really was not there. Perhaps it was our view of monogamy at the time, that we realized we are human, we are young, someting might happen that ultimately is meaningless, but if we felt that our relationship changed or our feelings changed, it would be discussed.
Sometimes not knowing really does no harm. It’s the trust that you must hold on to, not to trust someone to tell you every single thing they do to PROVE they have been faithful. It is trust to know that when we choose to be committed and can physically be together, we are faithful, we are mongamous and we are not jealous or suspicious because of how we dealth with this early phase of our relationship.
I’ve tried twice. It didn’t work. I’m not willing to give it another try… and I am a faithful person. I don’t think the problem lies with sex, though. What I missed most was the contact and getting to know each other step by step, every day. That goes on our whole life. If you take that away, the relationship might stay “fresh” in the beginning but it’s lacking the foundation, the common experience of the world that ultimately holds it together.
My only attempt at a long distance relationship ended in disaster. I was in college and my boyfriend was a year ahead of me. He got into several med schools, including two that were reasonably close, but he decided to go to one 2,000 miles away. We tried to keep the relationship going the following year and I was going to move to be with him when I graduated. But I was lonely and I lost our sense of emotional connection. It didn’t help that I hated the place where he was going to school. Eventually I met someone else, who offered one primary advantage: he was available. I fought my feelings for a long time, but the day after graduation, I called my BF and told him that I would not be moving anywhere. He was devastated; he considered me the love of his life. I felt awful but my feelings for him had just withered due to our separation. Then I started a relationship with new guy, which flamed out in about 2 months.
My BF (and future husband) and I met in grad school and were inseparable for 3 years….When it came time to make important decisions about the next step in career training I could see he was not ready to commit to a more serious relationship, so I decided to rank programs 3000 miles away from home….He was stunned at my decision but I felt I couldn’t put anything more into the relationship without feeling like maybe this would never be more serious to him…I left and I think at that time in my life I realized I had to feel like I could live and work and survive on my own….I told him if he really loved me then the distance shouldn’t matter and that we could get back together in 3 years….
I did try dating one awesome guy once while I was away….but it didn’t have the same magic I felt with my BF from back home….
Love and chemistry is mysterious….all you can do is go by how you feel deep in your heart….
20+ years and we’re still together!
Seems like you handled the situation in a really mature way, I’m not surprised it worked out! In theory what you did makes so much sense but in practice most people can’t do it. I’m actually doing something similar, I’m really happy to see someone share a success story
)
Do you know what would definitely make it work? A transporter… Well they haven’t been invented yet so good luck with anything else.