What I Want in a Woman

Jon Vaughn

Jon Vaughn hesitantly decided to try online dating. Here’s what he hopes to find.

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I started online dating a few days ago.  I posted on Facebook to ask my friends which dating sites they did, do, or would use. There were a bunch, including Craigslist which could possibly be my last resort, but the overall consensus was Match.com, so I signed up for a three month subscription. A few of my friends have gotten married from online dating, so I saw good in it and felt safe. I spent about a day working on my profile, figuring out what I would say, how I would say it and which photos I would include.  My particular profile was rejected about ten times before I had to call their customer service, reassuring them that I’m a unique individual. It’s likely I’ll change my profile a few times before I start getting the response I’m looking for. That doesn’t mean I’m going to write what I think they want me to say, but to dig into the real me, in hopes of finding as many things as I can describe about what I want in a woman.

I’ve never been a “dating” type of guy. It’s not me. I go on one date and bam, I’m all up in a relationship. My friends hate it because we’ll be hanging as usual and then all of a sudden some sexy Amelia Earhart does a loop-the-loop, steals me and takes me to the Bermuda Triangle. It happens so fast that I can’t even say goodbye to my friends. I disappear and since they’re so used to it, no one files a missing persons report.

Then, on some dark and cold night, months after my disappearance, I’m found curled up in a ball, lying naked in a gutter with my guitar and a wet cigarette hanging out of my mouth. My heart is broken, and it’s my fault. The ejection button was pushed and I didn’t have a parachute. What happened was that I chose to be with a woman who is famous for flying solo, picking up passengers but not knowing it was for one-way trips. The realization that I have been looking for the wrong Amelia hits me. I should have been spending my time searching for Amelia Bedelia, not Amelia Earhart.

There is beauty in Amelia Bedelia, even though she screwed up all of the time. Her mistakes were caused by taking figures of speech and acting on them literally.  There was mess, destruction, confusion and chaos. When she was asked to dust the furniture, she’d put dust on the furniture.  When told to steal home plate, she took it. And she did a hell of a job at drawing the drapes. The best part of Ms. Bedelia was her good intentions. You couldn’t be mad at her. She could always make you laugh, even when she wasn’t trying.  And her form of asking for forgiveness was usually by baking a pie or a cake. It showed humility in her, and an admittance of weakness and a reassurance that no matter what happens or has happened, she’s trying her best the best way she knew how.

♦◊♦

I’m not looking for a maid or a servant, and I’m certainly not looking for a dumb ass either. She doesn’t have to have a degree, she doesn’t have to have a nice car, and I’m completely okay if she is still living with her parents. She can have children, or she can be unable to bear them physically. She doesn’t need to have big boobs or a perfect body. I do need to see her face without makeup, because at some point that is what I will see.  She might wear that maid outfit sometimes, but only if she’s into it. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite looks of a woman is sweats with a hoodie with little to no makeup on, especially on a weekend morning. She can have tattoos or she can have none. She can have as many piercings as she likes, but if she has those giant plugs in her ears, stretching out her lobes like she’s making spaghetti, that’s a deal-breaker. She can have a bald head, or hair down to her feet. She can have a lot of money, or very little. She has to be trying in the areas that are most important to her.

What I truly want in a woman is a connection with her so unique that we’re the only two people that can share it. A type of relationship that is stronger than the ones we have with our best friends, where maybe she’d consider farting in front of me if she thought it was going to make me laugh. By the way, it would. I want a woman with a creative heart, who is inspired by life and happiness, with or without me. I want a woman who isn’t so concerned about having everything in order always, and knows how to relax in the time, wherever we are, and just be. I want a woman that knows how to make me laugh, and can lay on sarcasm so strong it’ll force me to up my game. I want a woman that is confident and strong, but knows when to be weak and lets me be strong for her. I want a woman who lives a life full of perfectly good mistakes, so long as her intent is to pursue happiness. I want a woman that tries to see the good in all things, especially when it’s difficult for me to do so. When it comes down to it, I want a woman; a real one.

In closing, and out of the love and respect I have for my daughters, this woman I speak of does not have to be a mother to my daughters. If she wants to be motherly, great, but they have mothers and they are perfect for them. The only thing I would ever ask of any woman is to encourage the relationships they have with their moms, and promote the good in all of us. If you win my heart, you’re going to win the heart of the two best smelling turds in the whole wide world, who happen to fart in front of me all of the time.  They learned that from their moms. :)

originally published on blog.fulltimedaddy.com

photo courtesy of author

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Comments

  1. What I want in a woman. My roast pork n veggies with awesomesaucegravy! I want that in me too!

    Everyone has standards, don’t let anyone make you feel ashamed of them.

  2. Valter Viglietti says:

    Good article, and good luck with your dating! :)

    PS: I like your description of the woman you’re looking for, and I think she’s similar to the ones I like: imperfect (and glad to be) and lively.

  3. In a lot of ways, I think women are looking for the same things in a man. Loved reading your article! It is refreshing to hear a man speak from his heart in what he really needs in a woman. I have no doubt you will find her with that much clarity. She exists. I keep us updated.

  4. Thanks Tonya. Out of all the things I have written, this one seemed to be the easiest. I’ll keep you updated. :)

  5. Gawd if only I was not in love with somebody haha.

    I agree with Tonya, alot of women are looking for the same thing. I think it takes some amount of ‘progression’ call it spiritual or whatever you want to call it but to get to a point where you are not plain running on emotions, to have major life happenings to realize what is important in relationships and what isnt.

  6. Where have you been my whole life? HaHa. All jokes aside I find it extremely refreshing that you know exactly what you want and express it with honesty and strength. I admire how you wholeheartedly put yourself out there. Not many people will allow themselves to be so transparent. I hope you find what you are looking for and wish you the best of luck.

  7. Great article! It is so beautiful I cried. It is refreshing to hear a man be honest and not sexist in what he is looking for. Remain honest and hopefully you will find the beautiful relationship you seek. PS I wish I had seen this article before I gave up online dating (I could’ve have used the inspiration to describe who I am and what I was looking for) alas I have decided to just live life and see what finds me/I find

  8. Best line: “I’m not looking for a maid or a servant, and I’m certainly not looking for a dumb ass either.”

    Hilarious. And good!
    Ah, heart connections. Great stuff.

  9. I am all those things, but I find this often happens with online dating. You read a man’s profile and it’s like reading my CV so I get in touch…. and of course he’s not looking for that/you because a list of wants is rendered useless once you spent an hour with the right person and it all comes down to chemistry. Sadly, because I live on a rock, my chances of spending an hour with that person to determine said chemical reaction is zero. But I’m reaching out to the universe….. “Universe, send me a man to love who can love me with all my flaws and inappropriate humour, and flabby arse and sometimes short temper (I’m selling myself well, here, right?). Send him to Guernsey. Please!”

    Limpetgirl.blogspot.com

    PS I fart. A lot. It’s funny.

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