Carlo Alcos knows he needs to learn to love himself, but that doesn’t make it any less frightening.
“Why is it so hard for you to let go?” she asked. I paused, deep in thought. Then the words started tumbling out of my mouth. “Because…I’m scared.” At the sound of these words hitting my own ears, my eyes welled up and my throat constricted. I was bawling. I buried my head deep into her neck and allowed the tears to soak into her blue scarf.
About an hour earlier she’d come into my room, sat on the bed, and made a declaration that I knew she’d been wrestling with for some time, but was committed to. There was no stopping it. “I can’t be in this relationship any longer. And I need you to not fight me on this.” I saw this coming, yet I couldn’t be more unprepared for it. Before she drove to my house, when we were talking on the phone, when she said “can I come over to talk?” and I asked her, “how should I be feeling right now?” she told me to be “strong. Feel strong.”
But I didn’t feel strong. I felt scared. This was the most beautiful relationship I’ve ever been in. We’d never fought. Not once. Everything fit well. Everything felt good. We were immensely attracted to each other physically, intellectually, spiritually. But she listened to a truth within her, a truth that told her the relationship wasn’t right. So she ended it.
For the first time in my life I’ve sought counseling. Not because of this break-up; I saw him a couple of times while I was still in the relationship. My purpose of seeking therapy was because, although I can recognize my emotional patterns as they arise, I do not know how to move beyond them. I do not know how to deal with my neediness, my intense longing for loving attention. In the end, of course, the answer came back to be self-loving. (Why is the answer to everything to love yourself more?)
This is what I face now. In the space that I’ve been leaving for her to fill with her love and her attention is also where my fear is. I’ve worked out—done enough reading, enough talking, enough listening, enough living—that we are capable of giving ourselves all the love that we need to be fulfilled. We have to be able to because we are the only ones we can depend on. For certain, we are the only ones we will be with for the rest of our lives. I’m starting to realize that this is what I’m so afraid of.
I’m 35 years old. I’ve lived my entire life depending on others’ love to make me whole. I’m used to it; I’m comfortable with it. When it comes, it’s amazing. When it goes, I fall into the hole that it leaves. If I learn to love myself wholly, then my dependency disappears. I have a feeling that I love this dependency. What does it mean to not need others to fulfill us? Maybe I’m scared that if I don’t need it from others, then I will no longer make deep connections. I love people, I love connection. Rationally, I know this isn’t true, that connections will probably be even deeper if I loved myself more. But what about love is rational?
I’m addicted to need. And, like any other addiction, there’s an intense fear that accompanies the idea of not having that substance anymore. But it eats me. I need to overcome the fear, and there is little choice but to face it if I want to stop the pattern from repeating for the rest of my life. I know that. But I’m afraid.
—Photo AndYaDontStop/Flickr
Hi Sam! I love what you’ve said. 1. I believe we must learn to love ourselves. We must not love superficially another person so we could fulfill our personal agenda. Love is pure. If you love someone, you just love them. 2. I also believe, love is about trust which is a beautiful dependence. Nothing can be accomplished successfully without it. We depend on each other and it is alright. This is where our character is tested. 3. If my partner writes a lovely poem for me or brings roses for me, he at least deserves a hug and a… Read more »
Great article! I am a big believer of self-love and the valor of solitude in our lives..Sure,relationships are fine,but they only work if you don’t depend on your husband/wife to make you happy.Dependence can’t be love.Love is always free.Dependence is selfish,because you buy roses or make poems not because you love,but because you want something in return.You do that because you NEED affection,you NEED a hug or something like that.Sometimes,I wonder if would be great if I could be in a relationship,but then I think : ‘What would be the best for me?’And then I realize that more important that… Read more »
A wonderful article, Mr. Alcos. Thank you for writing it. I’m 49, and I’m finally leaving that dark place you wrote about behind me. I had several years of therapy, hearing all the right things, healthy words and ideas, in different ways, over and over again. But it wasn’t until a couple of years ago that everything clicked. What happened? I discovered that I actually was lovable. I didn’t need anything or anyone to be ok. The great thing was this wasn’t just an intellectual construct. I BELIEVED it. I believe it. It’s been internalized, and, over time it began… Read more »
Glad to hear it!
Maybe I am completely wrong and not making much sense but I just think he wants more balance in his life. Loving yourself is not a bad thing unless you take it to a dark place and everyone’s idea of that balance is different. Believe it or not when you take the time to love yourself it helps you. The stronger I got in my relationship the better things got. I either did not accept bad behavior or mistreatment or I was even more able to be understanding of who I am with. If my needs are being met by… Read more »
Yes DreaJ, that’s exactly it. A balance. Up to now the scale has been tilted way too far to the side of seeking love from outside to fill me. My tendency in relationships has been to put so much focus on the other person that I lose myself, I lose sight of my own life and I become consumed by the relationship. The neat thing about love is that the more you can give to yourself, the more you can share. So, yes, balance.
I’m 31 and can’t tell you how sincerely I relate to your situation and interpretation of your mentality about it. I find it hard to think I’d need to love myself more, as it feels like such a selfish notion. But if that is the answer, then how does that really affect our ability to care for others? How can becoming more selfish allow us to find deeper connections with people when we’re taught that love entails plenty of selflessness? I also sought counseling for the first time after my break-up and discovered similar insights, although my general theme seemed… Read more »
Thanks for the words, Brian. Happy journeying 🙂
@Brian, to love yourself is NOT selfish. Actually, can real love be selfish? 🙂
Self-love is not “Me first and to hell the others”. It’s about caring about yourself; treating yourself like the best of your friends would do.
And, BTW, the more you love yourself, the more loving towards others you’ll become – the love you have inside spreads around.
Having said that, I’m 49 and I’m still struggling to love myself enough, to not feel empty and desperate when I lack love from outside.
That’s why I liked this article and your wievpoint, Carlo; thanks.
Thank you 🙂 You said it there…about treating yourself as your best friends/partner would do. One of the things I talked to my counselor about was the pattern of me seeking attention when I didn’t feel I was getting it from my partner…”She’s not paying me enough attention” was turned around to “I’M not paying me enough attention” Best to you 🙂
Carlo,
This is a beautiful-beautiful article!
I also agree with your comments @ 11:34am.
I wish the universe helps you achieve your hearts desire.
My bests with you always.
ps: everytime I feel I say too much, may be I shouldn’t, you end up writing a nice piece & I can’t stop myself from commenting. So, I’m holding you responsible for that!
I meant ‘not’, not ‘now’.
Your pain is palpable and touched my heart. I’d like to introduce you to a book by couples’ therapist Dr. Sue Johnson titled “Hold Me Tight.” She argues against all of the co-dependence/self-actualization stuff and invites couples to recognize that, in fact, they need the emotional attachment and dependence on each other. This is from the jacket description: “…get to the emotional underpinnings of your relationship by recognizing that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a patent for nurturing, soothing, and protection.” She goes on to… Read more »
Thanks for the comment and the book rec. I’d be interested to read that. Deep, emotional connection with a partner is definitely important in a relationship. It’s the dependency part that I don’t agree with…I’ve been married – it was a co-dependent relationship and not healthy. It’s interesting…a paradox of sorts I suppose…that I haven’t been giving myself love, giving myself attention my whole life…been seeking it outside of me…I view THIS as being “hard on myself”…but I also get that I’m being hard on myself for not being very accepting of the way that I currently am. So…I think… Read more »
I will be getting the book you recommend. In my judgement, this has been a failing of the modern outlook on ‘healthy’. We are social creatures, emotionally wired and required to need outside stimulation, to need that ‘other’ in our existence. I can understand that the ‘stand on your own’ movement has a vital place, that of removing projection and blame and abusing others to act out unfulfilled needs, however I disagree with that extreme existential viewpoint. To label someone who becomes dependant on another human being as abormal is, to my mind, very condescending and detrimental to emotional bonding.… Read more »
Just to clarify, I’m certainly not calling anyone abnormal. This is not a judgment, just the way I feel currently and what I think would serve me best based on my previous life experiences and what I’ve observed. Everyone has their own path to happiness. I’m not arguing against a need for human connection; I understand that…but I think that this love and support can also come in the form of community, friends, family…not necessarily just from one person that we’re supposed to spend the rest of our lives with.
I was not disparaging the informaiton in your article. I was replying most directly to the comment previous to my own. I definitely agree that the needs for connection can be well met by community, family, friends. Also, I do understand the desire to bond deeply with another human being,as well, and as I give myself compassion for the bonding, and the pain which can come thereof, rather than condemn myself for my imperfections and allow the culture of ‘co-dependant’ to undermine my self esteem even more. So I hope you find that compassion for yourself, and your deeper nature.
Thank you, it’s what I seek 🙂
“I’m 35 years old.”
The really sad thing about all this, Carlos, is that at thirty five you are yet to reach adulthood. My generation really does have a lot to answer for.
Not 100% sure what you mean by that. What is your generation? I’m also not sure what your definition of adulthood is. I could argue that being aware/mindful of my emotions and reactions, and choosing a path to deal with them in a healthy way, is an act of adulthood. I really don’t think there is a state of being that separates child/adult or boy/man. Life is one big process, the journey doesn’t end til the day we die.
About the same generation as that of your parents.
A point at which adulthood is reached can only be determined in hindsight. Your dependency on others has retarded self actualisation. Fret not for you seem to be arriving.
You are correct that “life is one big process”. It’s a process of constant revelation that one knew less yesterday than today and that the more one learns the more one understands how much more there really is to learn.
Thanks for clarifying. I get what you’re saying. Although I wouldn’t put that burden on “your generation”…I think this has been perpetuating for many generations and continues to do so…it’s built into the story that we’re fed through our society…Hollywood and media sell it hard, that the quest for life is this idea of another person “completing” us. I don’t disagree that as humans we need connection with each other, we need to support one another. But there is certainly a healthy balance between that need for connection and being able to fill ourselves.
“perpetuating for many generations”
Possibly but only really noticeably over about the past three generations. The shape of the first half of the twentieth century forced my parents and grandparents generations to grow up in a real hurry.
In the same boat now, I just want to get to a happier healthier place, where I can be proud to say in all honesty that I love me. At least now I know I am loveable. But being alone and working on me is very lonely and scary. I’m scared i don’t care enough about me to get better and never be in this place of worthlessness again. Nice to read something like this, I feel less alone with my own struggle.
Be blessed people.
Thanks for sharing DreaJ…this is what I find…that the more I share, the less alone I feel. We are never truly alone. Best to you on your journey 🙂