What the Tuck Is Going on?

Josie and Eli tackle the age-old question of what to do with your penis when you’re spooning.

Dear Sexes: Sorry to be blunt, but what do I do with my penis during spooning? I am single, and I date around. Although I know spooning is an after-sex thing for some people, for me it’s often a pre-cursor to foreplay. While I’m still trying to figure out how far the night will go for me and my date, and while we still have some clothes on, I’m never sure what to do with my penis in the spooning position. Am I supposed to tuck my penis, so as not to be presumptuous, or am I supposed to let it all hang out?


She Said: If you’re on a date and you’re spooning, you are allowed to get a boner, for heaven’s sake. I can’t see how anyone who invited you to a spoon-sesh would care if you had a little involuntary reaction to the situation. That being said, you don’t have to be jamming your business into her business before being expressly invited.

So, how do you know if there’s been an invitation for your business to join the party? She’ll lean into you, she’ll back it up, she may even give a little wiggle of her own. If she does this, you can reciprocate, but please follow the 20% Rule:

The 20% Rule: When hooking up with someone new, never increase the sexual intensity more than 20% above what your partner is already doing.*

So, for instance, if you’re kissing on a first date, and she’s kissing lips-only, you can introduce the suggestion of a tongue, but not a full tongue-throat-gagger. That would be a 40% increase, which is a 20% violation of the 20% Rule.** If you are kissing said woman on your first date, you should definitely not lean into her ear and say, “I just want to tie you to a table and f**k you.” This has happened to me (you know who you are!). There was no second date. That is a 120% increase, and obviously a 100% violation. Anything over a 50% violation of the rule is punishable by a near-mandatory ejection from the date.

In the case of spooning, take it slow, follow The 20% Rule, and your respectful spooning may be rewarded greatly … And no, I’m not about to make a “forking” joke. Though I really want to.


He Said: I was expecting you to ask what you do with your forearm during spooning—not THAT arm! This could be a sticky situation, but you can’t blame your penis for having a mind of its own. Normally, I wouldn’t suggest tucking your penis under any circumstance (it’s hard to keep a good man down)—but if you’re spooning with complete strangers, maybe you should mind your penile manners. You don’t want to be too presumptuous.

On the other hand, these strangers are spooning you right back, so it appears everyone is on the same page. In that case, an erection is nothing to be embarrassed about. If anything, your date will take your “excitement” as a cue that you’re having fun, and perhaps ready to move things along. If your date isn’t quite as ready as you, they may just ignore your erection, and keep cuddling. If they’re super surprised or offended, they may let you know, but really, how offended can they be?! I’m not saying that spooning has to lead to sex (and you shouldn’t assume that either), but if your date is gonna put their ass up against your crotch, they should take it as a compliment if you and your little buddy do get excited.

If it was me, I’d be more offended if we were spooning, and you DIDN’T get excited. And if you’re spooning on first dates, you should be able to roll with the enthusiasm that comes along with such activities.

We here at She Said He Said encourage the proper use of utensils. Spoon on!

*There is no official 20% Rule—Josie just made that up right now.

**My math is completely wrong. But this way makes more sense!

If you have a question for Josie and Eli, ask it here.

Originally published at SheSaidHeSaid.

—Photo ralphunden/Flickr

About She Said He Said

Eli and Josie, friends since college, realized how lucky they were to have one another—an honest friend of the opposite sex who tells it like it is. They wanted to share that with the world and so www.shesaidhesaid.me was born.


  1. Come on guys, what’s with the censorship? At least one other contributor is calling this silly. Why is my criticism hidden?

  2. You straight people can be so silly sometimes (though the conclusions seemed totally logical). Good luck to all of you cuddling with boners in the future, may your fondest dreams cum true splashing you with all the goodness that life has to offer.

    • I agree about the silliness but we straight people are being censored if we try to say so.

    • Hey, now, it wouldn’t be fair if those who already had the fun of being gay also got to hold onto silliness!

      Share the joy!

  3. Not to bring the party down, but…

    One of the charges against Julian Assange is sexual assault arising from arousal during morning spooning.

    The U.K. also defines sexual assault to include an erect penis touching another person.

    I have no idea where the several States come out on this question. So, to avoid time in the pokey and a lifetime on a sex offenders list, I would recommend wearing sweatpants, or at least compression shorts, both during foreplay and afterplay.

    • Personally I recommend never getting close enough to any female to enable any form of physical contact.

      • A safe and wise recommendation. I never have intimate relations with any woman until my lawyer has contacted her and she has filled out the requisite forms in triplicate.

  4. Insert “spork” joke here.

  5. Be the little spoon and protrude away!

  6. 20% rule? Sounds complicated.
    I guess girls can do math after all.

  7. I think a better question might be ‘why are you so willing to get so close so fast?’ Having enjoyed many spooning sessions over my lifetime, I waited long enough to comfortably have options relative to where to put ‘Mini Him’. It’s better when you’re both comfortable enough not to stress about it either way. If something so ‘natural’ is THAT much of an issue, I think you’ve got a bigger decision to make than where to put ‘it’. You should be choosing not to let your bodies get closer than your minds and hearts have gotten. I’m just sayin’ . . .

  8. What to do with my penis? I just wrap it around my leg 6 or 7 times, or hold it down against my calf with my foot….

  9. All Hail Friar Tuck..

  10. Ive nothing to add to both of your thoughts.
    a nice piece, and good humour used by both of you

  11. PursuitAce says:

    The 20 percent rule? Really? Is there a table to determine what is 5 percent or 10 percent. Wow, why does anyone date anymore. Two jobs is my max…LOL.

    • randomStranger says:

      i know right? pfft, thats why I never did, too many rules like this that can get you “ejected from a date” <_<

    • Guestopher says:

      It says the 20% rule was made up for this article. It sounds like it was inspired by PUA/Seduction Community advice. It’s something like escalate slowly and don’t be overly eager. Perfectly fine advice, but don’t say it’s from the Seduction Community.

      • Dudes, I totally made that rule up!!

        If I were your female friend and you were like, “Hey Jos, what do I do if I’m with a girl and want to escalate the mood a little bit, but not be creepy?” this is exactly what I’d say! That’s the whole premise of our blog… To be your best girl-friend who will tell you the truth.

        I’m not trying to get you laid like the seduction community, I’m trying to give you a little insider’s perspective! Seduction Community. Eww!

        I’m your surrogate-best-girl-community, my friends. Lean on me, I will help you out with an open heart and with the best of intentions.

        Eli is that for the ladies, too, we hope. A surrogate-best-guy. He’s been helping me for a long time, with quite a lot of success if you ask me.

Speak Your Mind