Why does everybody in porn movies have that eyes-closed, SHOW ME YOUR WAR FACE expression? What? Is porn boot camp held on Paris Island?
I’m a guy who hates porn. And I don’t mean I hate the idea of porn or the political implications of porn. It’s not like I hate the concept of porn. Hell, I’m fine with that. I literally hate the actual experience of watching porn. I’ve tried. Believe me. I mean, as an American man, I’m obligated to try, right? But, it’s been unpleasant to say the least.
I know there’s a big socio-political brouhaha about porn. You can’t really raise the issue of filming people humping without getting into a discussion of the impact it has in and out of the bedroom. When I have some distance from the experience of actually watching porn, say, when I’m shaking hands with the minister after Sunday services, I can think objectively about it. I can ponder its implications from numberous intellectual angles.
But if I sit down and hit “play” on a porn movie, all my intellectual considerations go right out the window and horrified panic sets in.
I think we can all agree that, society wide, porn is encouraging a rather less lofty approach to the romantic arts. Recently, the Good Men Project posted an article titled Unsolicited Penis Pics.
Ozy Frantz notes, “Seriously. There is a (small, but evident) group of men who think the single most attractive thing they can do is send a woman they barely know a picture of their erect penis, to the point that nearly all my female and female-assigned friends who do online dating have received a dick pic.”
Me, I’m thinking these somewhat overzealous lads have been staring at a parade of extra close-up body parts for so long that they now consider emailing a jpeg of their dick to a girl as the modern day equivalent of a jaunty tip of the hat.
♦◊♦
And even though, thanks to the internet, porn has diversified across an infinite range of erotic interests, the plot structures of these videos remain pretty straight forward. Based, no doubt, on the age old formula that can be summed up as follows:
1) Pizza man comes to door.
2) Housewife invites him in.
3) They both raise their eyebrows.
4) Clothes off.
5) Pizza discarded.
6) Begin humping.
And its the “begin humping” part where I lurch forward, stabbing frantically at the off button.
Because here’s where the erect, swollen, wagging up and down, lookie at what I got here, erections enter the story and take over not only the plot, but the entire screen. The penis enters the mouth or the vagina and we get to see things up close and personal. At which point, it freaks me out. In part, because I feel like I’m WAY too close to some people I don’t know all that well. AND because I know what’s coming next. Good old part two. Just a sure as the sun comes up tomorrow some very sticky body fluids end up on some nice lady’s face. That freaks me the fuck out. And then comes that weird hyper fast humping that goes on for hours. That also freaks me the fuck out.
The simple fact is I really don’t want to watch unfamiliar erections lurching around the screen like a Godzilla movie for dicks. I don’t want to watch 20 minutes of fornication that mimics that frantic high speed horseback riding in a 1920’s silent western. And please. Why does everybody in porn movies have that eyes-closed, SHOW ME YOUR WAR FACE expression? What? Is porn boot camp held on Paris Island? And don’t even get me started on the hissing breathing thing.
Yes, its true. I’m imagining porn stink. It’s the same smell I know is wafting about the creepy fluorescent lit x-rated video stores here in NYC. The places that have been continuously in operation since the coin operated video booth days, when guys would go in with a handful of quarters and come out with a wad of tissue paper in one hand. THAT porn stink.
Ew.
And once I get to the creepy porn stink moment, the entire humping, sticky faced, ass and scrotum parade, porn value proposition just collapses in on itself like a giant sweat and sperm soufflé.
But I know I don’t speak for most guys. The camera is six inches away from people’s genitalia because that’s what sells. Period. So, once again, we have the great unwashed masses to thank for yet another example of the loftier aspirations of the human spirit.
But not for me. I just can’t stand the stink.
Thanks for writing that. I couldn’t have put it better myself
Porn is NOT SEX.
Porn hates sex.
Porn is anti sexual.
Porn is the ultimate insincerity.
Insincerity has no electrical charge.
The only sexual charge porn has is the dollar bills it stuffs up its ass.
There is nothing lower than a porn star.
The liberal agenda of everything goes.
Translation “I don’t care about sincerity”.
PORN IS NOT SEX.
sex IS Sincerity.
But then you do not dislike, or ‘hate’ pornography. You dislike or ‘hate pornography that does not comply with your perception of the genre. You do not see the human misery that hides behind the shiny face of the porn video, the trafficking in young children and women for the sex industry of the world. You do not say that you see as evil the billions made out of this exploitation of human souls and bodies, the degradation endured for the next shot of H, blow or whatever drug has its hold. And you don’t say you find hateful the… Read more »
God, your comment has so much wrong with it. Enjoy eating your dinner? Dinner that may have been picked by people earning a very dodgy and low wage being exploited? Enjoy your clothing? Made by exploited people? Did you buy all of your stuff from people who have access to a safe working condition? Porn can be bad, porn can be good. So go watch the GOOD porn, made by people 100% in control of their life, people who are not trafficked. No point hating the entire medium/s because it doesn’t fit your perception of porn. If you think the… Read more »
There is very little point in replying to a specious argument, however, I will try. The fact that people are exploited and enslaved in other ways does not negate the fact of the pornographers’ guilt. That is like saying because people die from hit and run accidents, street robberies are somehow acceptable. My perception of pornography does not change, (Perception, noun: the ability to be aware through the senses). My opinion of pornography is formed by my perception of the genre, that too, does not change. Your last statement, perhaps you can back this up with some empirical evidence that… Read more »
Or maybe I know porn stars? I’ve made my own porn for a friend, and you can read about porn stars lives if you bother to look it up. Not all of them are drug addicted and have hard lives you know, there are plenty who simply enjoy the work and are voyeuristic if anything.
Here is some evidence.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/9714993/Why-female-porn-stars-may-be-happier-than-non-porn-counterparts.html
ht tp://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2012/11/28/porn_stars_and_childhood_molestation_new_study_says_porn_actresses_are_sexually.html
ht tp://www.livescience.com/27428-truth-about-porn-stars.html
This is an argument that will only go round in circles. Consider: 1. Pornography exploits men women and children involved . 2. Pornography makes every person who watches complicit in that exploitation. 3. Pornography contributes to slavery and organised crime and brutality. These are three facts that can be verified in the crime figures and research almost anywhere in the world… “Trafficking in human beings for whatever purpose – sexual or labour exploitation – and the sexual exploitation of children, including child pornography, are despicable crimes affecting the most vulnerable citizens. Preventing and fighting them is a top EU priority.… Read more »
Um, no, It’s easy to prove not ALL porn exploits people. It’s so easy that even children can understand such a comment. Wanna know how? Because there are THOUSANDS of producers who make it with 100% free will, no exploitation going on. Do some research instead of speaking such drivel n generalizing about a form of entertainment you have no idea about. Yes sometimes people get exploited, there are laws against it in many countries but not all porn is like that. You can find exploitation in every industry but according to your flawed logic, if you do ANYTHING in… Read more »
There is no such thing as “good porn” As a sex therapist, the most dissatisfied, empty, disconnected individuals are the ones who are frequent consumers of porn. Not to mention all the erectile dysfunction issues that often accompany porn addiction. All forms of porn dehumanize and detract from real intimacy, which is what we all truly crave. Porn reduces sex to mere mechanics and puts all the emphasis on achieving orgasm which any animal can experience. There are much higher pursuits that bring fulfillment in committed relationships and produce healthy, ever-evolving eroticism in marriage. Porn is a cheap counterfeit that… Read more »
Richard, Thanks for the response, and I think you bring up a good point about morality. I would try to explain my answer to your question, but I don’t have enough room to on this blog. (I’ve tried twice now and it kicked me off when the responses got too long lol.) However, I think the bottom line is that God created man and woman to be attracted to one another, and when we try to add more to the natural attraction that God created between man and woman (be it through eroticism, pornography, polygamy, etc.) we are essentially telling… Read more »
In what way do porn films enhance what’s already There? Can you clarify?
If God designed man to be attracted to woman, as is apparent in the book of Genesis, then it would make sense that a man would be attracted to any number of women; it is his nature. In Genesis chapter two, however, it is clear that God’s design for a marital relationship between a man and a woman is a relationship that is exclusive. Specifically, the bonds that form between that marriage (emotional, spiritual, sexual) were designed to remain only between the man and woman engaged in the marital relationship. The Apostle Paul echos the importance of this exclusiveness in… Read more »
I have every reason to be repulsed by porn, but still, I’m not sure if it’s immoral. I’m not talking about the type of porn that shows women being raped and beaten. There’s no question about that. I’m talking about just straight copulation porn. No story, no message. Nothing else.
This type of porn may be existential in nature in that it is neither moral or immoral. It may be no more immoral than a colonoscopy. I dislike porn nevertheless.
Richard, I agree that the immorality of raping and beating of women in pornography is obvious, but that does not discount the immorality of “regular” porn. We all have an internal system (our conscience) that tells us when something is wrong or immoral…we just feel it, right? You even said yourself, there is no question about it. However, just because the abuse is less obvious when we see porn that is not as rough does not mean it is not immoral. The women in these videos are still abused–it’s just easier to hide it. The porn industry is abusive in… Read more »
You know, I agree. Obviously porn is exploitative towards females rather than the men. Good point!
Now then where do we make the distinction between porn and eroticism? Eroticism can sometimes be presented somewhat tastefully and even in a spiritual context such as in some ancient Hindu art. Is eroticism just as immoral? Maybe I’m just talking definitions here. What are your thoughts?
Zoomed in vibrating throbbing greasy genitalis don’t do it for me. There’s nothing left to the imagination. A good ballet is plenty sensuous for me because I view the body as a whole. Most porn reminds me of dogs sniffing other dogs asses……..asses for that masses…….something sub human for sure.
Soap operas are on the same level of porn as empty mindless intertainment.
By far though, the most obscene items are those trashy poorly written Christian religious pamphlets you find in bathroom. Nothing’s filthier than that.
I couldn’t agree more. We need to create a order of scary nasty hierarchy and put those creepy pamphlets at the top
Thank you Mark, I was googling “hate porn” and this has really opened my eyes to hating porn to where I find it wrong on all accounts.
I turned to it, among other things, because I could not accept my reality. The more I watched it, the worse my perception of reality became.
I can go on and on….but, entertain me for a moment. Think about the best days of your life. The best days of my life are few and porn was never a part of it. I have a better chance at another good day if I just dont open the “art” up.
Remember, the “more bad” you think something is, the more you crave it.
I hope this makes sense to you.
wow. You’re totally watching the wrong porn. And it kinda sounds that you don’t just hate porn, but you hate sex.
Oh, now you’re just being mean.
“feminist porn”
That’s a good joke, considering the historical origin of the concept of prostitution
Thank you! I wish there were more men like you. Men willing to admit they dislike pornography instead of falling into the masses of others giving in to whatever all other men are doing.
Lol, it’s interesting to hear there are guys like you, I never imagined you existed. Maybe you could try going to the site that my girlfriend enjoys, it’s called (url deleted) which seems like a strange name, but it makes sense when you see it
Good luck!
Lucy
How about you stop spamming an anti-porn article with a porn website. I would imagine there are plenty of men that have read this article that are recovering addicts attempting to steer clear of this crap, and you are most certainly not helping them.
Ah, porn, and the forever-contentious debate about whether we should or should not be watching strangers have sex in our free time… Gotta cast my vote for the “not a fan” party, but will admit the issue isn’t as simple as love it/hate it. For any guys wondering the REAL reasons why women are so anti-porn, or for any women who just need something to show their boyfriends, made a top 10 list of totally legitimate (really!) reasons why women dislike this modern trend… http://21stcenturylovetriangle.wordpress.com/2012/06/15/browser-beaten-10-totally-legitimate-reasons-why-women-hate-porn/
If you read this list and agree as a woman, then you are one arrogant woman. “7) We know what you’re thinking.” No, you don’t. And clearly pretty much every woman who has commented on porn that I’ve seen has totally gotten it wrong of what men want especially whilst trying to mindread and getting that wrong too. The worst part is they get upset over what they THINK men are thinking, and get angry at the men for it. It’s an insecurity that fuels itself based off misinterpretation half the time. “6) We want to be needed, especially in… Read more »
I think the major hostility by women regarding porn may be the way how they look at each other and how that reflects on themselves. Like, women reading magazines, they read articles on other women, they scan the picture of the woman in question, they look at her hair, make up, clothing, shoes, body ect and they compare themselves with the popular female. And if needed they can “steal” few tricks from her. But with a porn star? big boobs, big lips, slutty outlook, super horny, long legs ect. They feel outmatched even before start. And watching how guys go… Read more »
” like the had on NSWATMz? ”
*like the ONE they had on NSWATMz?
We’re not arrogant – we just want to be the only ones you see naked, simple as that.
Arrogance is claiming to know for a fact what men are thinking.
Archy — Thanks for perusing my post and your detailed response, but honestly, I’m not sure what about that list would come off as arrogant. It wasn’t meant as a be-all-end-all for every conceivable scenario, just a humorous generalization. And, perhaps I should have qualified the whole thing with, “In the context of otherwise healthy relationships, where both parties feel that (for the most part) their sexual needs are being fulfilled…” because questions like “Is it because she rejected him 10 times this week?” are another issue entirely. You’re right – constant sexual rejection undoubtedly drives men to seek stimulation.… Read more »
I meant for the part of knowing what he thinks. There are good ideas in there, though maybe a lil too generalized, but to claim to know what a man thinks, or even another person is arrogant. You can guess but it’s better to communicate with him and find out what he is actually looking at. In all the comment threads on the porn topic I’ve read, every female who has tried to guess what men are thinking, or said what they are thinking, has gotten it wrong for me, for other men commenting. That says a lot I think,… Read more »
That line was one of out ten, which leaves another 90% of the content, so I’m still not sure what merits a sweeping “any woman who agrees with this list is arrogant.” And, I wasn’t presuming to know what guys think – I was going off what I’ve been told… by guys themselves. Many male friends have told me that they fantasize about exactly that – having sex with the woman on the film, both at the time and later with their partners. That’s great that it’s not your style, and while I understand that what that # describes does… Read more »
Apologies for not reading it as humorous. My point was to illustrate how it can be arrogant, an article loses merit with such material in my view but you don’t have to agree. Are you honestly surprised that stating something as fact with the vague intention of it being humorous on an article online would cause a raised eyebrow? Do you realize that other women on this site even are actually honest to god stating what men think, fantasize about, and telling us our own experience as if they know better than we do? Yeah you have some good points… Read more »
It’s nice to know that there are men that don’t like porn and don’t need it in their life. They seem far and few inbetween. Frankly, I am painfully tired of what I see a large obession men have with pornography. The obession seems bigger then ever today. What I am about to say isn’t politically correct and it’s probably going to ruffle some feathers but this is honestly how I feel. I am just tired of how interested men are in porn and not real women and real interaction with real women. Every man seems to want to bang… Read more »
“I am just tired of how interested men are in porn and not real women and real interaction with real women.” Then the half of the problem is probably how WOMEN (those women in particular) act, did you ever think about that? If what you say is true then maybe women on the average are acting in a bad way and turning a lot men OFF from interacting with them? Do you know how many men I hear from are nervous around women because they’re sick of being used, lied to, cheated on, abused, etc? If guys are starving to… Read more »
Erin, Most men don’t have an obsession with porn, they don’t have an obsession with anything. Its all about sex. Men are wired differently, in a way that honestly is not condusive with monagamy. Men make all that sperm for a reason. Men remain fertile pretty much their whole lives for a reason. As a society, we have put a framework in place that goes against nature and the end result is a ton of unfufilled, frustrated men with a bunch of sperm and nowhere to put it. Unless you are willing to take it all, let them have their… Read more »
You have a heart. Thank God.
My wife became ill several years ago and as a result, she has lost both the ability and desire to have sex. I love her dearly, and our relationship has never been about sex alone, but I do miss it. I need it actually. Rather than cheat on my wife and destroy my marriage I turned to porn as a release. I’d always dabbled in porn here and there, like most men, I suppose, and in the early years my wife and I watched it together, which preceeded some pretty fantastic sex. But these days it has become a way… Read more »
You do know there are like INFINITE other types of porn beyond the hackneyed description you provided, yes? This would be like saying, “I HATE eating chicken” based on your experience of eating chicken nuggets from the top chain fast food joints.
I’m noticing that (and not just here but in many other places as well) that when someone makes their statement about how bad they think porn is and how they will have nothing to do with it or how no one should have anything to do with it, they immediately reach for what is considered the absolute worst of porn under the presumption that that small subset of porn represents all porn and that the folks that watch that subset of porn (themselves a subset of porn watchers) represents all porn users.
Why is that?
You mean bad as in morally, or bad as in production values?
Morality.
As in what types of porn. Maybe I should have said, …they immediately reach for what is considered the absolute worst of porn content under the presumption….
Point to examples of porn where the stars are mistreated and cast an illusion that all porn is the mistreatment of it’s starts. I know I’m not the only person that has seen people try to argue that all porn is rape right?
You have to wonder how vigorous and open-minded the defense of porn would be if porn consisted mostly of male-on-male anal and oral sodomy.
Since it isn’t—yet—it seems spurious to defend our (male) advantages in a pose of speaking for freedom of choice.
You’re right. After all, I’m straight so I obviously couldn’t be supportive of gay rights or gay marriage. Self-interest is the only reason anyone defends anything.
If porn were mostly male/male, presumably that would reflect a society where male/male was the common denominator of sex fantasy, and we would be defending it from that point of view.
Heh. Love the smell argument, Mark. Good one.
It made scents to me. (heh)
If you peel back the male orientated porn onion a bit – note that there exists a rather odd narrative, brought to us via pretty bad acting, that portrays women enjoying, seeking, wanting raw sex. Even in scenes where the act may come across as degrading or domineering, it is still portrayed as something desirable (exceptions noted as it’s a large and varied genre).
Talk about reaching for the starts and landing in Buffalo!!
Maybe you just haven’t found the right porn for you?
FWIW, I have what I call a vanilla kink. I love still pictures of women who are totally naked – not so much as a shoe or a pulled down halter top – and enjoying their own bodies without sex toys. They don’t have to be fit or even terribly attractive – I just need them real.
I suppose one thing to keep in mind is that human beings have always created and looked at visual images to express and experience what is most important, necessary, scary, and exciting in our lives. For tens of thousands of years, our ancestors created cave art that almost exclusively depicted animals and female bodies. They painted the animals they hunted for food, the animals that hunted them (like lions), and the women’s bodies that they needed for sex and children. Of course it is impossible to know exactly why they painted, but we can imagine they had feelings similar to… Read more »
New studies have shown that it where mainly women who made prehistoric art. It had nothing to do with wanking men and the need of a porn, just like the paintings of animals waren’t an expression of wanting factory farming. Why do men always use stupid arguments to defend watching porn? Because there aren’t any good reasons, that’s why! Be normaal and have real seks with real women, make some love, you sick perverts!
Agree with your analysis, lilbuddha. Like you, my female friends and I have discussed mainstream porn and believe as you do with one exception: We are repulsed by men who are addicted to porn. I did briefly date a guy addicted to porn (although he thought he wasn’t) and I tried to see him as separate from it, but ultimately, it did affect our relationship. He was an okay/decent guy in our day to day lives. But knowing he was addicted to and enjoyed/ condoned the objectification of women turned the relationship sour for me.
I would humbly suggest that the “objectification” of our lovers is integral to a healthy sexual relationship. It is only when objectification occurs in the absence of all other forms of connection that it can be a challenge.
I’d call it embodiment, not objectification.
Objectification is seeing and feeling a human as a nonhuman – a tool/hole, a thing done to, a thing beneath you. If consensual, cool, but in a healthy relationship, it’s finally a pose.
Embodiment is seeing and feeling someone (or yourself) as a fully physical human. I think it helps if you’re into the whole body, including things like hair, eyes, voice, scent, motion. That for me is peak arousal.
Finally, guys turn off porn because you can’t lie holding a video after you’re done.
I agree. The key here is that such moments MUST be consensual or they can be damaging. If my wife were to say to me, “HUSBAND, I’m in the mood for a cowboy tonight” and then hand me a cowboy hat and a bandana, I would consider that objectifying me. It would be, as you say, striking a pose. And I would be happy to provide her that relational “pose candy” because I know that our relationship doesn’t begin and end with that. The moment of objectification can be good or bad depending on the CONTEXT of the relationship in… Read more »
I’m stating how I feet about male porn addiction. I noticed someone posted a link here about a study saying porn doesn’t affect a male’s attitude toward women. What about how it affects how women perceive men? For me, just knowing that a guy needs to constantly watch someone ejaculate in a woman’s face and see women in degrading positions is a huge turn-off for me. I’m not speaking about wearing costumes and acting out consensual fantasies for each other. That’s fine, but if a guy is also heavily addicted to porn, it equates the debasement of women in my… Read more »
“I noticed someone posted a link here about a study saying porn doesn’t affect a male’s attitude toward women.” “For me, just knowing that a guy needs to constantly watch someone ejaculate in a woman’s face and see women in degrading positions is a huge turn-off for me.” Then maybe you should be worried about your negative view of men that look at porn. Why are you assuming they’re ALL looking at facials in porn, or degrading positions? Can you understand that you’re judging porn from a very negative point of view of how degrading it is, but you can’t… Read more »
What’s the “bad type of porn”? Based on what people are saying, it sounds like gangbangs and ejaculation and anything but a touching scene between two real-life lovers. But bad for whom? Someone commented above that she didn’t want to be treated like a hole. Or like three holes. Or something like that. I don’t mean to misquote her. What would happen if the sexes were reversed? I wouldn’t mind being treated like a cock. By a group of women. Wherever their secretions end up on me is fine with me. And I’d do that for free. Assuming I find… Read more »
Being in porn is not being raped, nor is it always about personal taste. It’s work. It might not be what you’d do in your own bedroom with your boyfriend/husband, but it’s a job like any other. You agree to what you’re comfortable with and you get paid. Sure, a lot of the time you’re not necessarily going to *enjoy* it, but it’s your job to act like you do for the length of the shoot and with your fans if you want to build a base. Some days you might get lucky and shoot a scene with someone you’re… Read more »
wow you sure do love your porn don’t you Archy?
I like it, I don’t LOVE it. Is that a problem? I also like my video games, my hobbies, etc.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that “addiction” to anything is not ideal. But how did we go straight to porn addiction? Porn is, in my estimation, not all that interesting, much less addictive.
Yes, agree that any addiction is not ideal and yes, I appreciate men who do not find porn interesting. I respectfully disagree about it being addictive. I can’t state for sure when someone’s interest in it crosses the line into addiction: once a week? once a day? multiple times during the day? Perhaps I should have substituted the word fascinated instead of addicted. (The person I dated viewed it on average more than a couple of times a week.) Someone stated that watching porn is normal, like watching t.v. That is what sickens me and probably what lilbuddha meant when… Read more »
Yes, of course. I went back and viewed my previous comment. What I was saying is that my article was not about addiction. And that porn was not all that interesting to me. But it sounded like I was saying I doubted porn can be addictive. I don’t doubt it a bit. I’m sure it can. So, sorry about the miscommunication.
I’m fairly confident that human beings can become addicted to just about anything under the sun.
Mark, I like your style of writing and the article was really funny. Quite a few great lines, Godzilla being one of them…;)
I posted to show support for lilbuddha since what she said was spot on for me, and she received a mild lambasting for it. What I was saying to the men here that rationalize their need for porn is that, sure, that’s your right to watch it, but it comes with consequences you may not have realized: revulsion aimed at you for enjoying the degradation of women.
Thanks, Lorel.
I’m glad you saw the humor in it. Sometimes I despair that I’m writing humor and people are seeing only launching points for debates. Creating discussion is definitely my goal, but I also am hoping people will enjoy the humor. We need to laugh at all the seriousness of it sometimes.
Even though I don’t get it, and don’t really enjoy watching it a woman I that I have been having a friendly chat with, but with whom I’m not really attracted to (it’s mutual), said she very much likes “facials”.
To imply she is not “normal” would unfairly and uselessly judgmental. I’m not a theocratic puritan, and don’t ever want to go back to that.
I agree completely.
You need to understand the terminology as used by anti-porn crusaders: “Addicted” means “anyone who looks at porn, ever, under any circumstances.” By definition, all men are presumed addicted to porn unless they loudly condemn it in the presence of anti-porn activists… and really SELL that condemnation.
I agree wholeheartedly, it’s a word, and not necessarily a bad one. Like the word manipulate. And we all objectify at some point or another. Sex isn’t always about the spiritual connection of two souls, sometimes it’s just about getting off or helping someone you (may) care about get off. Sometimes it’s about letting our minds run wild on the things about our desired gender that turn us on. I’m sure he isn’t always making love to me as a person, sometimes he’s just enjoying my body, the arch in my back when I react to him, whatever. Just like… Read more »
Why do we have to lie holding a body after sex? For about an hour after sex I dislike being touched at all and usually have to get up and go do something else.
This is why I believe so whole-heatedly in pre-marital sex to test sexual compatibility. Most of the men I’ve had sex with have been HUGE cuddlers, most even more than I am. I don’t know if it’s learned or innate, but at this point, I would need a man who’s able to do it. I don’t need to cuddle every time, especially if I have something to do, but I need a man to be capable of it. Also, I LIKE the smells of sex. A lot. I had no idea that people might not. Smells are extremely important to… Read more »
I cuddled mostly because I was told that it was what women wanted. I didn’t see a reason to completely disregard her feelings just because I already got what I wanted. That comes pretty damn close to using someone and people need to consider the feelings of others. Now that I’m older, it makes a lot more sense. After expending that much energy, I’m going to rest for a little while anyway and holding a naked woman is not a bad way to occupy my time. You also never know when you’ll go back for seconds. Because I’ve got issues… Read more »
Not sure if you mean it this way but touch and connection happens during sex, maybe he get’s his need of touch mostly from that?
If you can’t handle cuddling, that is not a gendered thing. That’s just an individual issue. And fully understandable, too. If you didn’t get a lot of contact growing up, you may have a limited capacity to handle it now, with the sex drive being the only thing powerful enough to drive you over the contact threshold. And once you experience something that intense, your capacity for contact may be used up for a little while.
I’m not sure about that considering the way men and women are raised when it comes to close contact that seems intimate, much less close contact that is intimate.
I agree with Aya, I need a man who is cuddly. My current bf loves to cuddle after sex and it is wonderful. When a guy immediately gets up and leaves to play video games or watch tv, I feel rejected. It’s like, he got what he needed and now he can’t stand to be near me. I don’t need to be held for a long time or every time, but at least a few minutes is really nice.
To Aya and Sarah. I looked up the possible reasons some people get up after sex. I believe it has to do with oxytocin/cuddle hormone and it’s effects for men. For me directly after orgasm I sometimes feel SUPER sensitive to touch and this agitates me, I also get very restless and other feelings that make me feel like I HAVE TO get up and do something. It’s not that I reject her, but it’s just an incredibly uncomfortable feeling that occurs and I just can’t stand being touched or to remain still. After 10 or 15 minutes it usually… Read more »
I can totally understand from what you describe that you would not want to be touched in that moment. That’s a tough situation since, yes, I think many women often feel very cuddly after sex, maybe from a rush of oxytocin.
I think it is one of those areas where 2 people have to compromise or they are probably not sexually compatible in the long run. The emotional part of sex is important to me and if a man can share that, with or without cuddling, I’d be ok.
Thanks, it’s nice to know that it’s the emotional part that is important to share, not just the cuddling. I guess you could take it as a sign that the overload is the emotional reaction that has reached a climax, something good has been shared to it’s very limit and needs a cooldown period. I guess much of it has to do with how he treats you at other times as well? If you feel ignored a lot, is that compounded if he leaves after sex? vs say someone who really makes you feel appreciated n loved but is in… Read more »
I agree that it’s not a gendered thing, necessarily. Personally, I’m used to men who are very touchy. Not even in a sexual situation. They’ll randomly grab my ass, put their arm around me as we’re walking and make out with me, tickle me, stroke my body, snuggle up to me and bring me closer literally in their SLEEP. There’s nothing WRONG with not being touchy, at all. It’s a perfectly great way to be, it’s just not what I’ve gotten personally gotten used to and would take some adjustment and compromise, as is the case with a lot of… Read more »
Funnily enough I would probably be quite touchy at other times, give massages, hold her waist/etc when we’re out, I don’t mind her in front of me leaning back into me if we’re standing somewhere at an event. Just after sex is usually one time I reach the limit, or if I am super busy. I get into super busy mode and dislike being interupted, if I’m working on a car or fixing something I like to try do it all in one hit. I can cuddle on a couch with a movie fine, just the oversensitive period or if… Read more »
Define addicted? Do you read women’s magazines by chance? I find them to be extremely objectifying of women.
@ Lorel
Was it just the frequency of the porn use that bothered you? Based on your comment:
“He was an okay/decent guy in our day to day lives”
It didn’t appear that his porn use manifested itself in your relationship. Did you just assume that it did or would and that turned you off? I was hoping that you could clarify.
I hear you dude. The closeups, the fake moaning, the obviousness that 95% of hetero porn is produced entirely for what men are supposed to want to see… yikes. Theoretically it should be fun to watch other people fuck, but in practice, I usually end up cringing and crossing my legs. My personal strategy has been to search for still photos I like. There’s much greater diversity there. And as a heterosexual woman, I have to say, it’s a good thing there are pictures of men made for a male consumer – the stuff for women is way too gauzy… Read more »
Yep, I can totally get behind taking a look at some ‘inspiring’ (sexy inspiring) stills but struggle with porn of any description. I just get too distracted by all the fake boobs, awful moans, ridiculous chatter. In any case, my imagination is so much better, and when I’m fantasizing I want it to be about me, what my ‘dream’ guy or girl would do to and with me, not some crazy eyed, boobed and botoxed lass.
Argh, next thing you’ll be telling me professional wrestling is fake.
(fingers in ears) la la la la, I can’t hear you.
🙂