Church people come and go.
Faith, spirituality, ethics or a lack thereof affects who we are as men and how we interact with business contacts, family, friends and people we cross paths in the course of our daily lives. It’s the North our internal moral compasses point to.
It doesn’t matter if you believe in God, Jesus, Allah, and Buddha or if you believe there is no spiritual presence helping us through life. We base our decisions on something and, “It felt right” is still a moral decision.
I was raised in the Lutheran church or “Catholic Light” as we used to call it. From fifth grade through my high school graduation I attended Christian school and eventually went to college to major in religion with the goal of being a pastor. I’m telling you this so you can understand how the story of faith, spirituality and ethics I’m about to tell you shaped me into the son, brother, father and friend I am today.
A year into my religious studies at a Christian college (I was about 26 at the time) a church in Central California contacted me. They asked me to come help run a drug and alcohol rehab home they recently started, and to be the youth pastor at a church they were planting. I arrived with big ideas and was ready to do the Lord’s work, but I left 18 months later in the midst of a huge spiritual crisis.
The Associate Pastor at the parent church, who I will refer to as “C,” had recently set up the group home because he was a reformed drug addict and felt it was God’s calling for him to do so. C’s story is that he was a former GM for a large restaurant chain’s local franchise and had a huge drug problem. He lost his job for embezzling a lot of money from his employer and spent time in jail where he found the Lord.
The majority of my time was spent at the jail interviewing inmates who wanted to be released to the program and leading a weekly Bible study. Eventually, however, I would come to find out that C was in the middle stages of setting up a welfare fraud scheme with the church-run group home as the funnel. Once I figured out what C was doing, I immediately started looking for another church to work at.
I was “saved” by a church in Southern California and was happy to put that unhappy situation behind me and to be closer to my family.
The head pastor here, J, was a former convict/gangbanger/drug abuser. On day one I learned that J doesn’t come to the church office because he doesn’t “want to be bothered” by parishioners stopping in and taking his time. I, however, was required to be there from 8:30-5:30 every day Mon-Fri. Wearing a tie.
I listened to this “Man of God” Give out the names of two generously tithing families who had recently left our church for another. He then told a packed congregation that the two families “Are not following the will of the Lord and are not to be associated with.” Around the same time I found out two very concerning pieces of information.
The first was the way the elders of that church are elected. J selects the candidates he wants (i.e. people who worship the ground he walks on) and the congregation “votes” on them. Basically, J runs the operation like a Pomona drug dealer runs his crew—anyone who dissents against your decision has no place on the crew and are thus “expendable.”
The second was regarding the title to the church property. It was paid off during my time there and I learned that J’s name and J’s name alone is on the deed. Basically, the people who attended that church have paid him what I imagine to be a pretty decent salary while also handing him a very nice piece of investment property.
When he finally figured out that I wasn’t going to be the best team player I was told the church no longer needed my services.
“It’s what’s best for you,” J told me. “God showed me that this is not your place.”
To say I was ready to take a break from church would be a huge understatement. God and I had a minor argument (we cleared the air) but it took several years before I would even think of going back into a church.
Over the years I’ve made a few attempts at finding a church my daughter and I can feel comfortable at but so far I’m only hitting foul balls. When my daughter was in middle school she asked about going to a church youth group that her friend went to and I told her that she absolutely could. I was happy she wanted to. Just because my church experience has been horrible doesn’t mean hers has to be. I want my daughter to have a positive experience.
But every once in a while I remind her that not everyone is as holy as they profess to be.
—Photo credit: Hobbes vs Boyle/Flickr
About J.R. Reed
I get where you’re coming from. I’ve worked for a church and it certainly lends to an entirely different perspective of Christianity and faith in this age.
That said, however, there are some genuinely decent Christians still in the world. I’m glad you’re allowing your daughter to explore her own spirituality and not fully placing your own experiences in front of her as a road block.
It’s heartbreaking that there are people as you’ve described involved in the faith. It’s even sadder that others are willing to follow them without wising up as you did. I’m thankful for my upbringing in a non-denominational Christian family because it allows me to rely solely upon the Bible for truth, not on mankind. When we lean on mankind alone for truth in our Faith, we stumble.
Thanks Lauren. When we lived in Buffalo we tried a church that some of her friends went to. In five weeks I had no one say hi to me (even the ones I said hi to first) and I felt like it was a social club rather than a church. It’s kind of funny that GMP posted this when they did because I agreed to give it another shot at a church near us. A couple of kids in my daughter’s high school Christian club go there and I agreed to take her tomorrow. We’ll see how that goes.
I am of the belief that spirituality is a personal thing. It’s between yourself and your beliefs. Organized religion, tho it creates community out reaches and puts you together with like minded people, it is not necessary for you to express your faith.
It’s sad that so many people exploit the sensitive issue. May people find it an a
Important part of their lives and taking advantage of that is slimy and morally disgusting.
I don’t blame you for having the feelings you do now. If I had those experiences, I would feel the same. As long as you are able to express your faith within yourself, I think you will be just fine.
Thanks for this. Like I said, me and God have pretty much always been cool and we talk. I haven’t cracked open my Bible in I don’t know how long but I try to do the right thing and ask God for advice along the way.
Nothing is surprising to me here. People are fallible. When exceptionally fallible people gain power, they use power for their own ends, often justifiying it through faith, pride or other dynamics.
Whether it’s a Corporate CEO allowing toxic poisons in products because it’s cheaper, or non-profits Executive embezzling or church people using the whole “god told me so” (which frankly I cannot believe anyone would buy that for a second), people who gain power are as vulnerable to lying, cheating and stealing as anyone else, to activist leaders (feminists are brought here all the time) who make decisions based out of self interest.
Because folks say they are spiritual doesn’t mean jack. In fact, I’d probably watch them harder because so many people are so willing to put faith in these people of god that they often believe them blindly.
Frankly, I don’t think that we find them in places of faith is shocking at all. I think people who are willing to use power so manipulatively might find churches a great place to manipulate. It has nothing to do with faith or god at all, but about people being willing to place trust in someone who says they represent God. when they do not. At all.
I agree Julie. I was recently in the waiting room at a local ER with a nasty pain in my head when a very pushy woman walked up to me and shoved a religious tract in my face. I politely said, “No thank you,” and she went off on me saying that I would suffer because I was “forsaking God.” I wasn’t forsaking God I was trying to tell her I wasn’t interested in what she was shoving in my face. The people who do that sort of thing are the ones I absolutely stay away from.
I completely understand the concept of telling people about God but she didn’t understand that my reason for not taking it had nothing to do with my belief or disbelief in God. It felt like a screwdriver was jammed in my left ear and like someone was pounding on my temple with a hammer and I already knew the general message that was on the paper.
Love this post, JR. A different side, indeed.
You know that guest post I wrote for you Thursday? Reread the first paragraph. The man I was once engaged to was a Lutheran seminary student. I had to take a break from the church after that, which is different than taking a break from faith or God.
I get it.
Plus, living in an Islamic country for 3 years and a Buddhist one for 5 was so extraordinarily educational for me…and formative in terms of my faith.
Yes, I get what you’re saying.
I noticed that first paragraph the first time I read it. I’m sure living in the places you lived has shaped your faith as well. I don’t know a lot about Buddhism but I think there is definitely something to be learned from the meditation they do.
I have a zen garden on my desk, though it’s not a traditional one. Mine is in a wooden wine box and is filled with sand from my favorite beach along with rocks and shells I found there. There’s also a little surfboard and a tiki. I think zen and spirituality is different for everyone and I wish more people would understand that. Thanks for the comment and for your guest post this week. It’s kind of cool seeing a different side of people, huh?
The more I “reed your writing”, the more I see we have in common. As a former youth pastor myself, I have taken a break from church, too. I’ve found that church politics often ruin the church. Although I agree there are genuine Christians who truly do care, I have seen more that are less concerned about the people and more concerned with the bylaws of the church.
Really enjoyed your submission! Keep up the great work!
Thanks Stan. Coming from you that means a lot. Really.
Sorry to hear about your unfortunate experiences. May I share mine? I’ve been the pastor of the same Lutheran church for 28 years; a church that is known in the community for kindness, friendliness and generosity. Though I am their pastor, they all together “pastored” me through some really rough times. We are a place where visitors are welcome; and if they so choose, they become friends of the church and more often than not, part of the church family. We are by no means perfect, but we sincerely try to walk in the steps of Jesus.
Thanks Rev. Dave. I have no doubt that there are churches full of good people out there, it’s just sad that you have to do so much searching to find one. You should be happy and proud that you’ve built a good place because many have not.